House guest with IBS

[CaptainWarbeck]

Have guests staying, where one has IBS and is on the fodmap diet: gluten free, no garlic, onions, lactose etc. I didn't know how restrictive it was until they turned up so my meal plan for cooking for them has gone out the window. We're veggie with small kids so it's incredibly difficult to find meals that work for everyone.

AIBU to find it annoying that he insists on this diet when he's eating at home with us and I'm preparing meals, but then eats croissants and onions and lactose etc when he's out (and there are fodmap friendly options), then merrily complains that he'll 'be paying for it later'? He has also bought and eats lots of biscuits (which clearly aren't gluten free) but won't touch any of my cooking if there's gluten/fodmaps in it. And I'm not a bad cook!

I've suggested that we cook some meals together (they're staying for a month) but that they sort most of their meals out and cook meat if they like. I feel like a terrible host as I love cooking for people, and I clearly don't understand IBS very well. In my mind surely you eat something or you don't?

If they are willing to eat anything when out then it can’t be that bad sorry but have people that do this.

The fodmap diet is incredibly restrictive, so I wouldn't blame him for 'falling off the wagon' when he eats out sometimes. However, if he's your house guest for a month he should really offer to make his own food instead of putting you out with all his restrictions!

I think you just need to cook what you’re cooking and suggest he either joins in or cooks for himself.

Staying for a month? Fucking hell I hope you've stocked up on air freshener and bog roll...he is being awkward by the sounds of it I wouldn't have him stay I'm precious about my loo though.

I think you need to have a chat with your sister and say you’re finding it difficult to accommodate his diet and work out some ideas to manage the situation better together Ie they cook for themselves sometimes, some nights they cook a meal for you all etc She might also be able to give you more detail about which foods you can include in limited quantities.

You might even find they’re keen to help and make things easier but weren’t sure how to. Some people wouldn’t what guests using their kitchen and possibly wrecking pans etc so you need to talk about it and make a plan together.

I Wouldn’t mention the ‘paying for it later’ though. Lots of people do that, it’s part of managing the condition and that’s his responsibility. It doesn’t mean he’s faking.

He doesn’t sound a cf to me, just someone trying to live as much of a normal life as possible, which is fair enough.

Perhaps identify half a dozen meals he can eat and serve them in rotation. Alternate these with meals he cooks. As far as what happens outside your home, let that be between him and his digestive system.

I have IBS and in that situation, I would be taking and making my own food.

I think it's exceptionally rude to expect to eat meat in a vegetarian household. They should be doing the cooking for you as a thanks to you letting them stay. I bet if they had to come up with the meals it wouldn't stick to all the restrictions they've given to you..

Your solution is fine, they can just sort out their own food. No need for you to feel guilty!

If they’re considerate, polite guests they’ll offer to cook for you a few times and make suggestions about what to make. But they don’t sound that polite!

Just ask your DSis to shop for and make their own food.

If shops are hard to access on foot, and/or ordering online isn’t available tell her when you’ll next be driving to the supermarket and offer a lift.

I have Crohn’s so watch what I eat but even I wouldn’t have the patience with this guy. He would be told to eat what I cook or cater for himself. End of. I don’t pussyfoot around people who can’t make up their mind, let alone take their illness seriously. But then again, everybody seems to have IBS these days 🤔
If I was your guest, I would have warned you well in advance about what I can’t eat and if my diet was that limiting, I would have brought my own food or tried to source it myself if I was abroad. This guy is taking the mickey.

I suffer from IBS and it’s exhausting trying to work out what foods trigger it. Sometimes you can have a flare up eating a certain food that you have eaten before and been okay with.

He is being a twat, tell him to prepare his own food.

Nah, I suffer ibs (never tried fodmap diet, I think I’d fail miserably) I know the majority of my triggers- although as said above, some will appear and you’re like wtf I’ve always been fine with that 😑

I’d be saying x since you’re eating what you like when out and about, and have such a cavalier attitude to ‘paying for it later’ I’m going to cook what my family normally eat- you’re welcome to join us in that meal, but if you decide that’s not for you, then you’re welcome to go to the local shop and pick up what you need to prepare yourself what you deem suitable and I’ll make sure the kitchen is free for you to do so.

Ain’t got time for idiots like that. You’ve got kids, you’ve got your own life, no way would I be going out of my way for someone who is getting a free holiday and having you shoulder the cost of his food too. Nope.

I would just tell him each day what you are planning to make and if he doesn't want that invite him to make his own. You can't bend over backwards for him when you're doing him a favour letting him stay. I would have zero patience for this!

As someone with IBS and who has a big issue with onions and cannot tolerate gluten, your sister's DP is being a twat.

I've just been to stay abroad with family. They were very accommodating such as not adding onions into dishes etc however I cooked as well and I was very careful eating out. It would be a total pisstake to eat forbidden foods whilst being generously catered for. Seriously, have a word with your Dsis

Nope, if he can eat it while out, he can eat it at home.

I’d be saying x since you’re eating what you like when out and about, and have such a cavalier attitude to ‘paying for it later’ I’m going to cook what my family normally eat- you’re welcome to join us in that meal, but if you decide that’s not for you, then you’re welcome to go to the local shop and pick up what you need to prepare yourself what you deem suitable and I’ll make sure the kitchen is free for you to do so.

Totally agree with this ^. You can't restrict what your entire family is eating FOR A MONTH for an idiot who eats whatever he likes as soon as he walks out the door. I have IBS and follow a wheat-free diet, as a result, but always make it clear that I will bring my own food/cook or just not eat the bits I can't eat. I'd never want to put anyone out or be a twat about it. Either you can't eat those foods, or you can, and if you can then you should shut the fuck up when you're staying with other people who are kindly cooking for you!

Fodmap is so restrictive, it requires loads of planning and being really strict. You absolutely cannot dip in and out of it as it's about elimination and reintroduction, its not meant to be a lifelong diet. He's taking the piss!

If they choose to eat the non-conforming food when out but not when you cook at home they are being a CF

This.

there are different ways IBS affects you - & as pp state different foods affect different people - if someone knows they want to occasionally come off diet they may well prepare or use medication after - which can be as simple as drinking peppermint tea, if you'r lucky - however, to many people do self diagnose (mostly because gps don't have time or aren't interested or won't/can't refer you to specialised dietitian) over time people learn their own bodies tolerance - but - although I love veggie diets I have found I that many recipes can cause me hours of problems. If your staying at someones house & you need a special diet the visitor needs to discuss with you & if its difficult for you to provide their diet than they need to help themselves (but not inconvenience you either). i wish people would talk through issues more - we wouldn't have half the issues we have on mums net (& this is def not getting at you op!)

That would drive me up the wall

after seeing their cavalier approach to their 'diet' when out and about, why should I bend over backwards to accommodate it at home!

This in spades.

I bet if they had to come up with the meals it wouldn't stick to all the restrictions they've given to you.

I was thinking exactly the same thing.

I would say that if he is prepared to take a risk with his "forbidden" foods, then he should take that risk in your home, rather than when he is out. It's really unfair to expect you to fanny on with a difficult and really restricted diet, and then stuff himself when he is out.

Speaking from a gluten-free, full-on low FODMAP household – My husband has Coeliac disease & follows FODMAP regime recommended by NHS Consultant Gastroenterologist to manage inflammation & mitigate longer terms risks of developing gastrointestinal tumours – I sympathise @CaptainWarbeck about what a pain in the arse(!) this can all be.

Let alone all the extra effort & lateral thinking to get in & pull together good foods from such a limited range, how ‘effin’ annoying that your guest goes out & indulges in all the stuff they are due to avoid or exclude. Also how selfish & self-centred to impose their smelly guts etc when they ‘pay for it later’, & also short – sighted as the pay for it later actually may mean an increased risk of longer term gastrointestinal damage.

You sound like a charming thoughtful host but they are CF so I’d reign back your helpfulness & make just a few concessions, such as cooking with GF pastas, using FODMAP free stock powders (the Massel vegetable one we use is just fine, from AmazonUK ), using grated courgette in lieu of a sautéed onions, pasta sauces fodyfoods.co.uk/collections/all. Staying for more than a few days, it’d be reasonable for them to bring foods AND for you draw up an Amazon list of GF low FODMAP foods delivered to you that they pay for.

Also when we stay away for a while with friends & family, not only do we take a range of GF & low FODMAP goodies, we stump up for the ingredients & cook several times for our hosts as a treat & to give them a break from accommodating our dietary needs. We are always invited back 😊.