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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To phone mil and give her a piece of my mind?

66 replies

NeedAGoodUsernameThatIsntTaken · 01/11/2019 21:02

This is a long one and I need to rant as I'm at the end of my tether. I have complained about my Mil before. Summary of my mil:
She gives reminders about every birthday and tells dh when to send people things like flowers or thank you cards. Sometimes even picking gifts for other family members. Because we didn't send thank you cards to people for the baby gifts the first week after we had our dc she sent us a pack of thank you cards to send people. She questions what we spend our money on (even something I bought that I needed for work). She told my DH the maximum amount he should spend on an engagement ring. Said I need to make an effort and wear makeup (even bought me makeup for my birthday). If dh puts on a little weight, she tells him he needs to walk to work (5 miles away) and to only have 1 meal a day. And asks what is he eating and points at his stomach.
She uses emotional blackmail alot like saying it could be DH's grans last Christmas when we suggested alternating Christmas with my parents. She wanted Christmas eve, day and boxing day. She didn’t want us to have a baby telling my DH "I hope your not trying for a baby". She wasn't happy we were having a baby and was almost in tears saying "how will you cope" when dh told her I was pregnant. She asks about my personal medical details even asking what exams I was having after giving birth. She was obsessed with me not breastfeeding. Asking dh every day if I had stopped. Coming into my bedroom when I was bf and telling me their is no shame in giving up. Telling me it was a bad idea to breastfeed when i was pregnant. Then saying she would buy dh a prep machine if I stopped bf. Screaming at dh over the phone because we said she could not visit one weekend when I had a bad mastitis infection. Then being passive aggressive, saying we were keeping her from her grandchild for months. At my dc's christening she was demanding to know how much we intended to donate, getting in our way as we were trying to take photos. Saying I should put DC in nursery because I should work full time and then offered to pay for part of nursery fees.
Now everytime we see her she says I should put DC in nursery because otherwise he won't get into a good school. Saying we need to move house and sell our house and rent if needs be so dc can get onto a better school. And attend church also for same reason. Sending jobs for dh to look at saying he should change career. And she got her husband (DH's step father) to tell him he should be earning more to support his family (DH's job requires a PhD, the jobs she is sending him don't and pay less).

Now she is sending houses for dh to look at and asking how much he can afford. And to check out the schools in the area. We have not asked her to do this! Ffs she thinks she has a say and the right to control every aspect of our lives. How can anyone be this bonkers? How is any of this her business. She is so manipulative and passive aggressive. Ffs I Hate this women. The biggest issue in my marriage. After the latest I feel like phoning her up and giving her a peace of my mind. Though probably a bad idea. Because dh won't, according to dh "looking at houses for us isn't interfering". Surely it is isn't it?

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 01/11/2019 21:06

You have a DH problem.

Winterdaysarehere · 01/11/2019 21:13

Block her number. Tell dh you don't want to hear about any calls or messages. And he either tells her to stfu or you will.

Howlovely · 01/11/2019 21:15

Your husband really needs to have a word with her.

Cherrysoup · 01/11/2019 21:15

She sounds like a nightmare, tbh. Your dh clearly isn’t standing up to her. Is she not English? It sounds like my friend’s culture where constantly pushing (is your dh first born son?) for betterment and being seen to do so is a constant issue. Keeping up with the Joneses type of thing.

Does your dh know how frustrated you are with her behaviour? Have you been very clear with him about what YOU want and how it should not concern his mother?

1Morewineplease · 01/11/2019 21:16

I agree with @VimFuego101
You have a DH problem.
Your MIL is over invested in her son’s life. From what you ( don’t ) say your DH doesn’t seem too bothered. Your MIL has either, not let go of her son or is demented.
What do you think?

RandomMess · 01/11/2019 21:16

Yes you have a DH problem...

He needs to read up on being enmeshed plus I recommend Toxic Parents.

NeedAGoodUsernameThatIsntTaken · 01/11/2019 21:17

I certainly have a dh problem as well. It's like talking to a brick wall when it comes to his family.
But ill never understand why anyone could think they get that much of a say in the adult children's lives? It's just crazy. Im worried about when dc gets older and what she will say to him.

OP posts:
purplepalace · 01/11/2019 21:18

Who is providing this woman with all this information and insight into your lives? Stop over sharing every little detail of your lives with her.

R2G · 01/11/2019 21:19

I'd think about letting it go over your head and keeping your distance

NeedAGoodUsernameThatIsntTaken · 01/11/2019 21:20

Cherrysoup DH's mum was born in the UK but her parents come from Eastern Europe. Dh is the first born child/ son. He has 2 siblings.
DH definitely knows how frustated I am, it's the main thing we argue about.

OP posts:
7salmonswimming · 01/11/2019 21:20

Your MIL needs a job or a hobby. This is mental.

If your DH won’t speak to his mum, you will have to. She’s negatively impacting your life, not his.

Speak up for yourself. Be candid - people like your MIL are deliberately obtuse and especially forgetful.

Gird yourself. She will get ugly and she will create more issues in your marriage as your DH will get upset. He will accuse YOU of causing all this drama.

But it is what it is. You’ve married this man. This woman is his mother. This is your life now. You just have to deal with it.

TabbyMumz · 01/11/2019 21:20

I think I'd say to her in a jokey way "why on earth are you sending DH jobs and houses to look at? Then make it absolutely clear you have no plans to change job or move house

NeedAGoodUsernameThatIsntTaken · 01/11/2019 21:22

purplepalace he is, even my personal medical details in the past. Even what I earned before I was a sahm and how much the equipment I bought with my own money for work!

OP posts:
Rainwilds · 01/11/2019 21:25

Start sending her details of jobs/clubs/courses and send a little pa note saying...you must have too much time on your hands so thought this might help occupy your days...

NeedAGoodUsernameThatIsntTaken · 01/11/2019 21:25

7salmonswimming yes she definitely is forgetful about the things she has done. Or makes it out like she is just trying to help. Or turn it around like it's might fault.

OP posts:
NeedAGoodUsernameThatIsntTaken · 01/11/2019 21:27

Rainwilds I like that idea

Not sure where she gets the time. When she worked full time she would always say how busy she is working every day until late at night. Yet finds the time to interfere to this level

OP posts:
Mummy0ftwo12 · 01/11/2019 21:28

I knew someone like this, gaslighting, narcissistic behaviour etc eventually it turned into very serious MH problems.

24hourshomeedderandcarer · 01/11/2019 21:30

forget a husband problem you have a you problem

you shouldnt have left this go one so long

she should have been nipped in the bud at thr first incident,do that a few times if she persisted and she would have know you are not taking her shit

NeedAGoodUsernameThatIsntTaken · 01/11/2019 21:31

Mummy0ftwo12* yes I think she might be a narcissist. Were the serious MH issues for the narcissist or the victim of the narcissist if you don't mind me asking.

OP posts:
Island35 · 01/11/2019 21:32

If your DH read this would he then realise how stressful his mum is? I think sometimes we can treat them as a one of but written like this might give a new perspective. You could say to your DH that you find the house hunting on your behalf rude and it is the cherry on the top. Take out some of the emotion and list the facts. It might help you to make him see why you're stressed about your mil. I'm lucky, mine lives abroad Grin

SophiaLarsen · 01/11/2019 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bigchris · 01/11/2019 21:34

Did this all only come about when you got married?

I'd move away

bigchris · 01/11/2019 21:35

Sophia Grin

HappyHarlot · 01/11/2019 21:37

Another one here saying you have a DH problem. He needs to grow up and tell his DM to butt out of his business.

NeedAGoodUsernameThatIsntTaken · 01/11/2019 21:39

Island35 I wrote a similar thread a while ago with alot of the issues stated above asking if my mil's behaviour was normal or controlling. All the replies said how she wasn't normal, I needed to distance myself, grey rock and I have a dh problem. I showed him the thread and he said "you sure you haven't exaggerated some of the things" and "if my mum put her side of the story people would give different replies" and "she hasn't done anything like that in weeks" and "it isn't as bad now". I asked what had I exaggerated and made up. He didn't give me an answer. And it has hot worse since having our dc.

OP posts:
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