To phone mil and give her a piece of my mind?

[NeedAGoodUsernameThatIsntTaken]

This is a long one and I need to rant as I'm at the end of my tether. I have complained about my Mil before. Summary of my mil:
She gives reminders about every birthday and tells dh when to send people things like flowers or thank you cards. Sometimes even picking gifts for other family members. Because we didn't send thank you cards to people for the baby gifts the first week after we had our dc she sent us a pack of thank you cards to send people. She questions what we spend our money on (even something I bought that I needed for work). She told my DH the maximum amount he should spend on an engagement ring. Said I need to make an effort and wear makeup (even bought me makeup for my birthday). If dh puts on a little weight, she tells him he needs to walk to work (5 miles away) and to only have 1 meal a day. And asks what is he eating and points at his stomach.
She uses emotional blackmail alot like saying it could be DH's grans last Christmas when we suggested alternating Christmas with my parents. She wanted Christmas eve, day and boxing day. She didn’t want us to have a baby telling my DH "I hope your not trying for a baby". She wasn't happy we were having a baby and was almost in tears saying "how will you cope" when dh told her I was pregnant. She asks about my personal medical details even asking what exams I was having after giving birth. She was obsessed with me not breastfeeding. Asking dh every day if I had stopped. Coming into my bedroom when I was bf and telling me their is no shame in giving up. Telling me it was a bad idea to breastfeed when i was pregnant. Then saying she would buy dh a prep machine if I stopped bf. Screaming at dh over the phone because we said she could not visit one weekend when I had a bad mastitis infection. Then being passive aggressive, saying we were keeping her from her grandchild for months. At my dc's christening she was demanding to know how much we intended to donate, getting in our way as we were trying to take photos. Saying I should put DC in nursery because I should work full time and then offered to pay for part of nursery fees.
Now everytime we see her she says I should put DC in nursery because otherwise he won't get into a good school. Saying we need to move house and sell our house and rent if needs be so dc can get onto a better school. And attend church also for same reason. Sending jobs for dh to look at saying he should change career. And she got her husband (DH's step father) to tell him he should be earning more to support his family (DH's job requires a PhD, the jobs she is sending him don't and pay less).

Now she is sending houses for dh to look at and asking how much he can afford. And to check out the schools in the area. We have not asked her to do this! Ffs she thinks she has a say and the right to control every aspect of our lives. How can anyone be this bonkers? How is any of this her business. She is so manipulative and passive aggressive. Ffs I Hate this women. The biggest issue in my marriage. After the latest I feel like phoning her up and giving her a peace of my mind. Though probably a bad idea. Because dh won't, according to dh "looking at houses for us isn't interfering". Surely it is isn't it?

If I were you OP, I would look at moving far away from MIL. With or without your husband, if I'm honest.

This is why you have a DH problem he refuses to even acknowledge that his Mum is "in the wrong" or "odd"

bigchris it got worse when we got married and then even more so when we had our dc.
Or maybe I just noticed it more? The warning signs were definitely there so I'm a bit of an idiot really. I feel bad for my dc because this crazy woman will always be his grandmother

She thinks you should move? Do it! Move to Australia to get the fuck away from her.

And as @SophiaLarsen has suggested, buy her a pair of period pants as a leaving gift

My mum.has tendencies to be a bit like this. Not this bad and not as interfering but I can tell she'd like to be and has to fight it.

I think from her it comes from a place of being a combination of extremely anxious (cooking a meal for people sends her into a total panic), having massive attention to detail and also having the time to be over involved in other peoples lives. I put up with it because I'm used to it (I had no idea how to do anything when I left home) and I know it actually comes from a place of kindness (which I'm not sure your MiL does - for example my mum will read some medical evidence for something and try and sign me up to supplements so at least she is coming from a place of logic, I'm not sure where your MIL is coming from with the breastfeeding) but I can see it drives my husband a bit mad sometimes as his parents are content with a once a week phone call (my mum probably knows what I'm eating right now). For example if she knows I have to be somewhere for a certain time, she will ask what time I've got to get up and try and check I've put the alarm clock on. I an almost 40 and have 2 kids. It sounds ridiculous written down and she is sheepish when I point it out to her but it's like it's a compulsion for her. I think she had a very controlling father and also unresolved issues from a stillbirth.

I'm not sure what I'm getting at really just wanted to give you an idea of the other side

Jesus! I think sometimes on here, it seems so many people take offence at their MIL's for the pettiest of reasons, but she sounds fucking suffocating, and very over invested. Why the hell is it her business if you breast feed? That's weirdly controlling, telling you what you should and shouldn't do with your own body. In fact, everything you've put about her seems to be all about control. Is DH her only child? Sorry if I've missed that.

I feel for you OP, it sounds so stifling! YANBU.

PennyNotSoWise thanks I do feel it's suffocating. Dh has a younger brother and sister. Think she is just as involved in their lives

Have you tried fobbing her off, just nodding along and saying “okay” until she gets bored. Bit like ignoring s bully, as that is what she is.
Your DH hasn’t been personally nagged as you have, so it’s not bothering him as much as you, as she’s not your mom, so you see her as invasive.
Can you relay all of your OP to DH’s step father and tell him, she stops her controlling and interfering or you’ll not be speaking to her again ever.

GettingABitDesperateNow my Mil would also like to be more involved than she is, especially if dh would let her. Not sure why she is like she is. My Mil says her parents were narcissist but I'm not sure. For me if feels more like trying to control than out of kindness

Send her a link to apply for an Australian/Canadian/ American visa.

Then send her another message saying whoops that was meant for DH.

VenusTiger no doubt she would play the victim. Saying she is just trying to help and I'm trying to prevent her from seeing her family. I'm seen as the black sheep of the family by mil, step fil and DH's siblings

Oh it's you again.
Nothing anyone says makes any difference
See you in a couple of months time

Somebody needs to tell her to stop, but it isn’t you, it’s your DH.

In a very calm, factual way the next time she over steps, he needs to explain why it’s not ok, how it’s part of a larger pattern, and that she will end up alienating both of you if she carries on.

You need to learn to ignore her

She sounds like she can't let her son go. I think sometimes parents can't accept their kids are Independent and grown up. It's like she thinks she is still incharge and is trying to force you both into doing things her way so she remains needed and in control.

I do understand that sometimes a parent may worry about their adult children managing etc. But clearly you can. Clearly you are fine. Your husband does need to be the one to say back of mum it's not your life it's mine. We know what's best for our children etc. I don't know what else you can do other than one of you put her back in her place. She sounds awful!!!

I think the tricky part is that nobody has ever told her that her behaviour is ridiculous. Everyone's always gone along with it and it often takes an outsider to point out how crazy the behaviour is. I have no idea why she does it but assume it's because she likes to feel like she has some element of control over her family and that it makes her feel included, relevant and important still. She needs to realise that her behaviour will have the opposite effect but how do you make someone like her see that her behaviour is beyond ridiculous? I'm not sure she will ever change so I guess it's up to you to change the way you interact with her. I couldn't bear to interact with her at all to be honest, either directly or via your husband. I think before I blew up and told her to fuck off I'd try ignoring her completely, just cut her out like she's not there.

I read your op to my dh and he admitted that I could have written a similar one myself. One of the significant issues I have is that my dh works in the family business with her and so sees her every day. I've numbed to much of it but there is still plenty that grates me. I had the same issue with breastfeeding as she couldn't do it with her children and it meant my dc were less likely to be left with her for any length of time. I wish I had advice but just solidarity though if you can I'd consider moving away.

Most of those things don’t sound that bad to me! Apart from the one about hogging all three of the Christmas days. And screaming when you weren’t going over - but what was the event and what was the prep done by her. Of course she shouldn’t scream but is that culture a bit more shouty than white British? (The Serbs that I know definitely are. I don’t know exactly what your MIL’s background is.)
Would you feel the same if it was your mum doing it?
Buying the thank you cards just sounds like she’s trying to be helpful, as do the reminders for birthdays. I can see I’m in the minority here though.
Asking about the medial exams and the donation to the church, and other things you think are nosey, would just be normal conversation between my friends and family and we wouldn’t think anything of it.
Is it a vicious circle where you find her slightly nosey questions annoying, so you two don’t tell her anything, so she asks more and more to find out things that to her are just normal?
Obviously she’s going overboard with the school thing now though. Your DH needs to say “Yep, we know all that. Stop going on about it. You’re annoying me.”
Good luck anyway. I’m sorry you’re upset.

Howlovely yes definitely is the element of control over her family and that it makes her feel included, relevant and important still

willieversleep a mil like mine and your dh sees her every day and works in the family business - you have my sympathy. That would drive be bonkers. I live an hour and a half drive from my Mil and that isn't far enough. Wish I could move to the other side of the world.

She sounds toxic I completely agree and I'm so sorry, but your issue is your husband. He needs to get his head out of the sand and see her behaviour for what it is. Communicate with him about how it affects you.

PenelopeFlintstone it was mil wanting to visit us on a random weekend. No preparation involved by mil. I was almost bedridden and we said she could visit another weekend instead. That wasn't good enough.
It's not normal conversation though, alot of the time it is manipulative emotional blackmail and passive aggressive behaviour. And even bribery to try to get her way. It's normal conversation for your Mil to ask about your vaginal exams? My own mother would not ask in such detail.

PenelopeFlintstone
And her parents are from an Eastern European country. But she was born and raised in England. Don't want to say which one as it will be even more outing

Don't give her a piece of your mind it will be a waste of time and breath, just block her, shut her down, grey rock her, don't engage with her, brush aside or ignore everything she says
She has no authority over you

I'm surprised you haven't punched her in the face to be honest
not really I wouldn't actually advocate violence but she sounds completely off The charts I mean full-on personality disorder 😲

OP That's annoying/sad. MIL can't see she's massively overstepping the mark. OH thinks you're basically making it up and they are the one person who should have your back. Maybe you should give MIL a piece of your mind, might make your OH realise you're not making it up. But in reality it probably won't achieve anything and therefore pointless. In an ideal world OH will wake up and put you first