To phone mil and give her a piece of my mind?

[NeedAGoodUsernameThatIsntTaken]

This is a long one and I need to rant as I'm at the end of my tether. I have complained about my Mil before. Summary of my mil:
She gives reminders about every birthday and tells dh when to send people things like flowers or thank you cards. Sometimes even picking gifts for other family members. Because we didn't send thank you cards to people for the baby gifts the first week after we had our dc she sent us a pack of thank you cards to send people. She questions what we spend our money on (even something I bought that I needed for work). She told my DH the maximum amount he should spend on an engagement ring. Said I need to make an effort and wear makeup (even bought me makeup for my birthday). If dh puts on a little weight, she tells him he needs to walk to work (5 miles away) and to only have 1 meal a day. And asks what is he eating and points at his stomach.
She uses emotional blackmail alot like saying it could be DH's grans last Christmas when we suggested alternating Christmas with my parents. She wanted Christmas eve, day and boxing day. She didn’t want us to have a baby telling my DH "I hope your not trying for a baby". She wasn't happy we were having a baby and was almost in tears saying "how will you cope" when dh told her I was pregnant. She asks about my personal medical details even asking what exams I was having after giving birth. She was obsessed with me not breastfeeding. Asking dh every day if I had stopped. Coming into my bedroom when I was bf and telling me their is no shame in giving up. Telling me it was a bad idea to breastfeed when i was pregnant. Then saying she would buy dh a prep machine if I stopped bf. Screaming at dh over the phone because we said she could not visit one weekend when I had a bad mastitis infection. Then being passive aggressive, saying we were keeping her from her grandchild for months. At my dc's christening she was demanding to know how much we intended to donate, getting in our way as we were trying to take photos. Saying I should put DC in nursery because I should work full time and then offered to pay for part of nursery fees.
Now everytime we see her she says I should put DC in nursery because otherwise he won't get into a good school. Saying we need to move house and sell our house and rent if needs be so dc can get onto a better school. And attend church also for same reason. Sending jobs for dh to look at saying he should change career. And she got her husband (DH's step father) to tell him he should be earning more to support his family (DH's job requires a PhD, the jobs she is sending him don't and pay less).

Now she is sending houses for dh to look at and asking how much he can afford. And to check out the schools in the area. We have not asked her to do this! Ffs she thinks she has a say and the right to control every aspect of our lives. How can anyone be this bonkers? How is any of this her business. She is so manipulative and passive aggressive. Ffs I Hate this women. The biggest issue in my marriage. After the latest I feel like phoning her up and giving her a peace of my mind. Though probably a bad idea. Because dh won't, according to dh "looking at houses for us isn't interfering". Surely it is isn't it?

She sounds like a nightmare!

I’ve been there! Mil has always been emotionally distant & never there for DH or any of his siblings yet she always needs to know first about anything happening in the family otherwise she’s in tears and feeling left out

I went through a horrible pregnancy, spent most of it in and out of hospital suffering from a condition which had previously made me MC and not once did she ever ask me or DH if myself or the baby where ok, eventually when baby arrived she’s first in line to hold the baby, we spent months with her intruding and telling me where I was going wrong and always just itching to take the baby from me. Frequently enjoying telling me I was doing things wrong as in her day blah blah blah 🙄

She caused so much trouble between myself and DH and he always downplayed what she did which cause further arguments. Eventually she cross a serious line with me when it came to my DD and I went in all guns blazing. It wasn’t how I wanted things but I had only weeks before given birth to DD2 and she had made my life a misery for 3 years, it was a dangerous mix with hormones!

Yes you do have a DH problem but he’s known her all his life and is conditioned to think it’s okay. My DH certainly did! In my experience trying to pass on messages via the DH just doesn’t work and actually causes more stress as it places them in the middle and then you get more angry!

Every since I had it out with MIL she’s been different. It did fell like things where 10X worse after it but I basically just stepped aside and left DH to visit her and get her birthday/ Christ gifts etc basically everything I would have done. For about 18 months I just played it cool and kept back.

DH was free to see her with the kids as much as he liked but he soon got fed up and he wanted it to be all of the family together like it was when we visited my family. Eventually Dh visits tapered off too and since he was the one in contact with her he soon begat to get fed up with her and before long he was moaning to me how much his mother was irritating him or making him angry with her silly carry on! 😂😂 I did take great delight in that !! I think she must have realised she was going to be very lonely if kept going the way she was going. She started to change literally over night!

She is very keen now not to step on my toes and she always asks if it’s ok to do such and such ? I would say she’s about 80% reformed!! Which I can live with! I know probably underneath she could slap me but o the surface it works as I can be around her in short spells and it’s perfectly pleasant.

I hate confrontation but in my experience I was getting nowhere just trying to ignore it or ask DH to tell her!

I have made a promised to myself I will never ever interfere with my children’s life’s especially when they have partners or DC !!

OP it's time you asked yourself some tough questions. I remember a previous tread of yours, also about batshit MIL. The fact is she isn't going to go away, so either you split from your fairly spineless DH and leave the two of them to it, or you have to find a way of coping with it so that it doesn't bug you. However many threads you post, we can't wave a magic wand to make her evaporate into the ether, or to give her a personality transplant.

The only possible way out of this is to start giving your DH hell every single time so that it becomes easier for him to placate you than his mother, but that still has risks. For it to work he has to value his marriage and you and want the marriage to continue. Only you know whether he would choose you or his mother.

The low contact and grey rock when interacting with her was working. I saw an improvement in her behaviour a bit. But then I strained my wrist and couldn't put any weight on it and my DH was abroad for work. Mil offered to come round and help with the dc. Big mistake as she used the opportunity to get me alone and give me a long sob story about her childhood. Getting me to put my defences down and reveal more than I should. She has this way, it's hard to describe. She is a master manipulator I think. She now also always says how's your wrist everytime when I try to grey rock, as a way to guilt me, like I should be beholden to her forever.

I'm also very worried about letting dh go on his own with the dc to see her, especially when they get older. Because I need to protect my dc from my Mil because dh won't. He would not question what she says infront of him. Like the emotional blackmail or manipulative crap. Goodness knows what she would say to my dc, especially when unsupervised.

There is another thread ongoing where posters are criticising the mother in law criticisers for starting the thread. There are rare occasions when it is really justified and this is one of them. She is interfering in every aspect of your life as though she is sometime you must "report" to prior to making any decisions which affect your lives and those of your child.

She sounds completely obsessive and your dh now needs to deal with this before it gets any worse, if it can of course. He needed to nip this in the bud a long time ago. But I can tell you now, if he finally deals with her it will be your fault. It needs to stop and today. It needs to be him and please do not call her.

Just check out of your relationship with her and leave it to your DH.

Tell him that you don't want to hear what she says. Be busy when she visits, don't pick up the phone when she calls, let him visit her alone - quietly go low contact.

He has one domineering controlling woman in his life. Do you really want to be doing the same thing. It's his problem - let him deal with it.

She is interfering in every aspect of your life as though she is sometime you must "report" to prior to making any decisions which affect your lives and those of your child this is definitely true. And yes she will definitely blame me, when dh doesn't do what she wants it's my fault and I'm keeping her from her family

Why not say things completely hyperbolic like you spend all your money on cocaine and hookers and that DH can't come to the phone since he's too busy having sex with all the men after you've had a go.

Might help to call her out or to at least stun her for a bit.

You have to stop caring about what she thinks and what she says, imagine that she is a video clip turn the volume right down then turn down the colour and the brightness so that she's just a grey blur.

You’ve posted about her before haven’t you?

Try and not get annoyed by her as that is what she is trying to do. If you get annoyed she has won her own game. I would refuse all contact with her and let you dh deal with her. Anytime she phones say I am busy that is it. Let your dh take your dc to see her alone. Tell your dh that she stresses you and you need to concentrate on your dc. YOU DO NOT NEED TO TAKE ON HER SO CALLED ADVICE. SHE IS HINDERING YOU NOT HELPING!

DH's mum was born in the UK but her parents come from Eastern Europe.

😂 You poor soul. I’m from Eastern Europe (been in the UK 25+years) and my DM (been NC for years) is like this. It is suffocating. I really feel for you.

DH and I had been together for about 5 years, living together for 3, when I realised all his bank statements (with some of my financial data6 were sent to MiL who reviewed them! MiL is a very loving mother (and now grandmother), but we are so different and IMO was overly invested in my DH’s life so we have had to set boundaries. You need your DH to back you up on this.

She thinks it's ok because your dh has yet to clearly let her know any different. When he puts boundaries in place she'll change. But he hasn't. You have a dh problem.

brittabot
I realised all his bank statements (with some of my financial data6 were sent to MiL who reviewed them
Wow that is bonkers! Has he put a stop to that now? Don't think my dh has ever done that. Though mil has asked what dh and I earned and what things cost that we have bought and questioned some of the things I buy

Yes I was horrified! 20 years on I have a good-ish relationship with my MiL. Think my DH probably still overshares and we’ve had some issues with differing approaches to childcare but I know she loves them and would do anything for us so I try not to focus on what annoys me!