AIBU to contact the school behind DD's back?

[TabbyT]

DD2 is 17. She was really ill with anorexia in year 11 and, after GCSEs we moved her to another school as we felt the original school had contributed to her problems (it was a highly selective, all girls school and very pressurised).

She moved to the school that DD1 had gone to, and had thrived at. It is co-ed, and less pressurised. Due to her illness DD2 missed the first half of year 12 as she was being treated in hospital for anorexia. She therefore struggled both academically and socially to catch up.

We all decided that it would be better for her to repeat year 12 rather than to move up to year 13 and so in September she started year 12 again. She is doing really well academically, but socially she is finding it really hard. She found a group of girls who she liked and started sitting with them at lunch etc. She thought they were becoming friends but she knows through social media, and conversations at school, that they are meeting up, having parties etc and she is never invited. She is so unhappy, it is heartbreaking. She cries every morning.

I have suggested that I speak to the school as I don't know what else to do. I know they can't intervene directly but I thought they might be able to give me some advice. I know some of the teachers well because of DD1. DD2 says she does not want me to contact the school but I am at my wits end. She always had lots of friends when she was younger and is a bubbly outgoing girl. She is just crushed by everything she has been through.

Does anyone have experience of anything similar and any advice? I have got her a referral to a psychiatrist (privately through my medical insurance) as I hope that will help. The other option would be to move her to another school.

Thanks in advance.

That is such a shame your poor girl nobody wants to be left out I think you could maybe speak to her student support about her struggiling but I don't know what they could do tbh.

What advice do you anticipate? You can’t force these girls to invite your DD to things outside of school time, as hard as that sounds. Getting the school involved could lead to these girls totally cutting your DD out as she’s causing trouble for them or rather, you will have The situation might change with time and time is all you can give it.

Personally I think moving a 17 year oldagain is a terrible Idea fitting into another group etc these kids are established friends it would be too hard for her.

Could she organise something and invite a couple of friends? Even if just a trip to Costa or the cinema or something? This is what I suggested to my 14 year old when he was feeling left out. It's not always intentional.

I don't know really. I appreciate that teachers can't tell people to be friends at this age. I'm just at a loss as to what to do. She was doing so much better but she just seems to be having blow after blow and it is setting her mental health back.

Contact the school. I had problems with DD2 being involved with someone she didn't want to be friends with as they were getting her into trouble and the school said they could engineer it so that she had limited contact with her and was placed more with other girls who would possibly be better influences.
It's worth trying. Just make it very plain it's a confidential and sensitive matter.

That sounds really hard, OP.

I'm guessing this group has been friends for a few years now so well established but nice and welcoming to be friendly at school. At 17 though I guess there isn't much you can do on her behalf and will they be moving on to college/uni next year?

Do you live close enough to them that DD could invite them round to do homework or study. Does she directly ask them if they have any plans for weekends or whatever?

Does she have any social activities outside of school that she can focus on?

I would have been mortified at 17 if my mum had gone to the school about my friends.

I think she has lost all confidence in doing so. Just before half term it was one of the girls birthdays and DD messaged a few of them to suggest they took her out to lunch. They all said they had no money or didn't reply, and then she found out that it was because they were all going out for dinner in the evening, and she was not invited. I have tried to reassure her that it is because she has only known them a few weeks, and they have known each other for years. But I don't know these girls from Adam, so I have no idea whether they quite like her but are not ready to include her in the gang, or whether they are trying to give her the brush off. She says she gets good vibes from them at school.

Thanks @SlightlyWizenedHead, that is helpful. The school know all about her illness, it is a nice school with good pastoral care. So long as it is completely confidential I guess it can't do any harm, and may possibly help. Teachers must have experience of this type of thing.

Thanks @TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup
I would have been mortified too! But I wasn't fragile like my daughter is. I think she seems confident on the outside, and she is getting involved with the school play, running club etc and she also does a lot of dance outside of school. She has quite a few friends from her old school and also girls she met when she was being treated for anorexia so she is not completely friendless, she just struggles going into the sixth form centre every day and not having a "group" to talk to.

I think because they have been friends for years your Dd isn't part of their circle yet so the dinner was probably arranged for the group it sounds tricky could she invite them round or arrange the cinema or something but I think they are just friends at schoolsadly.

Hi i didnt want to read and run, I suffered with anorexia from year 8 to year 11 2 of those years I was hospitalised, on returning to school i found it very hard to fit back in as everyone had formed such close bonds, off the top of my head I talk to one girl from school now (im 30) and we became friends after we both left school. Even now at 30 I feel like I missed out a lot on those crucial years of building friendships.

Has she tried to broaden her circle? instead of focusing on this group of girls, by all means be friends with them but maybe encourage her to talk/meet others in school so her focus is not fixed on this one group.

When 1 of mine were 15/16 I phoned her pupil support with her not know and they were brilliant the Ps did keep an eye on Dd discreetly .

I know you're in a really difficult position because you'll feel really protective of your daughter but I don't think there's much you can do - I don't think getting involved will help.

My sister got an apprenticeship at 17, got sacked and my mom went in to the store to find out what happened.
I'd have been mortified but my sister was happy because it meant she didn't have to stand up for herself.

I think the only thing you can do is encourage your daughter to try and make other friends so she has options and doesn't just rely on this group who don't seem ready to include her.

I think a confidential word with a teacher you trust at the school is a good idea. She’s a vulnerable pupil and the school have a duty of care to her.

They will know if this is a nice group who if she perseveres with will welcome her properly or likely be able to give you the heads up that remaining distanced from them is sensible for your daughter.

If they know a little about your DDs issues and they are nice but badly informed they may think it’s inappropriate to invite DD to events that involve food. Just a thought.

Thanks @Tink1989 - that's the problem with anorexia. It's not just the illness itself (now thankfully over - she had the most wonderful treatment, all on the NHS) but the knock on effects of having missed out on those teenage experiences. She seems very young for her age (most people think she's 15 not 17). I am hoping being in the school play, and doing sport will help her get to know other people in the school

Thanks @Mrsjayy - I was thinking that the teachers might be able to keep a bit of an eye, and just go a little easy on her, as she gets so upset if told off eg for being slightly late.

If she has other friends outside of school then I'd maybe focus on building up her resolve that these are not friends for life people but at least she has them to chat to in school. Maybe in a few more weeks they'll be more inclusive out of school but no big deal if they aren't. Focus on getting her qualifications and being able to do what she wants with them when she leaves.

Since high school (20 yrs now) I literally only see one of my former friend group at concerts for a band we both like. Couldn't tell you about any of the others, never see them. I have a large group of close friends though I've had for about 10 years now.

I get that she's fragile but, having had many friends with various mental health problems, sometimes treating them like they are isn't the way. Supporting doesn't mean taking away their autonomy. She's asked you not to speak to the school, respect that.

@AppleKatie I think that's good advice. That's what I was thinking. These girls may be worth perservering with, or they may not be. The school will know and the teacher I am thinking about contacting is someone I know really well.

@AmIThough - I completely understand about not fighting our children's battles for them. But she is so vulnerable right now. I have two other children, and they are so robust, I think until you have had a mentally ill child it's so hard to know what it is like.

There is a point do her friends know she has an ED 16 year olds trying to be tactful can be bull in a china shop !

Thanks so much for all your replies. It is a huge help. I am going out now but will check back in later.

Just before half term it was one of the girls birthdays and DD messaged a few of them to suggest they took her out to lunch. They all said they had no money or didn't reply, and then she found out that it was because they were all going out for dinner in the evening, and she was not invited.

That sounds to me as though she’s not really part of that group. I think that even if she’s only known them a few weeks, she would have been invited if she was ‘in the group’. It must be very hurtful if she feels they’re friends.

If it was my DD, I’d gently advise her to see these girls more as casual acquaintances - people to chat to when she gets into school, rather than best friends. That way hopefully she’ll feel less hurt when they don’t include her.

You mention she’s doing a number of activities, which sounds great. Perhaps there are people she’s meeting then that she can form more mutually friendly relationships with?

I do empathise. I felt left out in the 6th form and it hurts. But I did find a friend in someone I’d discounted before. I hope your DD can too.

DONT contact the school! When I was this age a new girl started and my friendship group always made the effort to be nice to her and welcome her at lunch and stuff. We didn’t invite her to stuff outside of school as we didn’t really know her that well and she never asked us to do anything outside of school so it never really occurred to us! Her mum contacted the school and we were all hauled into the head of years office and accused of bullying her! All we had done was try to be friendly! Although we managed to clear up the misunderstanding with the HOY we were really hurt about this girl reporting us to the school and kept our distance after that. Getting teachers involved at this age can really make things worse and you can’t be sure her teachers won’t react badly like mine did and make it all worse! Can’t you encourage her to invite them out? Maybe it’s the same sort of situation we were in? L

And no the other girls don't know about the ED - but she is recovered now, eats normally, and is slim but not strangely so.

I’d also agree that there’s very little that the school can actually do or advice that they can give. I think the best outcome of contacting the school is not that great and the worst outcome could be really bad.

Could you try having her start a group/hobby outside of school?

A friend’s daughter was having similar issues and so she joined a local youth theatre - not performing but doing technical stuff (no prior experience) and she has thrived. Made new friends so school stuff isn’t relevant anymore.