AIBU to contact the school behind DD's back?

[TabbyT]

DD2 is 17. She was really ill with anorexia in year 11 and, after GCSEs we moved her to another school as we felt the original school had contributed to her problems (it was a highly selective, all girls school and very pressurised).

She moved to the school that DD1 had gone to, and had thrived at. It is co-ed, and less pressurised. Due to her illness DD2 missed the first half of year 12 as she was being treated in hospital for anorexia. She therefore struggled both academically and socially to catch up.

We all decided that it would be better for her to repeat year 12 rather than to move up to year 13 and so in September she started year 12 again. She is doing really well academically, but socially she is finding it really hard. She found a group of girls who she liked and started sitting with them at lunch etc. She thought they were becoming friends but she knows through social media, and conversations at school, that they are meeting up, having parties etc and she is never invited. She is so unhappy, it is heartbreaking. She cries every morning.

I have suggested that I speak to the school as I don't know what else to do. I know they can't intervene directly but I thought they might be able to give me some advice. I know some of the teachers well because of DD1. DD2 says she does not want me to contact the school but I am at my wits end. She always had lots of friends when she was younger and is a bubbly outgoing girl. She is just crushed by everything she has been through.

Does anyone have experience of anything similar and any advice? I have got her a referral to a psychiatrist (privately through my medical insurance) as I hope that will help. The other option would be to move her to another school.

Thanks in advance.

Dd, who has been through this - exactly the same anorexia, hospital 6 months, changing schools - came off social media. We decided together that school friends and education was her 'daytime challenge' and the evenings and holiday time was rest and recuperation time. It made life so much easier. A whole day at school is a lot for a recovering anorexic. Out of school we decided physical and emotional rest was the priority.

But yes, I would also say speak to the school.

Hi OP. My dd is in a similar situation, she’s almost 16 (year 11) and has always struggled socially, she has friends but they don’t include her in anything and she sees things on social media about what a great time they have all had without her . It makes me sad but dd insists that I don’t interfere and that she’s ok. She has 2 closer friends who are boys, they come over to our house and occasionally I will take them into town or to the cinema. It does upset me that she has no close female friends and that she misses out but dd is also very stubborn and doesn’t really put herself out to try and join in with others. I’m looking forward to her finishing school and going to uni, I hope she finds her people but I think she will always struggle socially.

Don’t contact the school. The girls have a tight group and your DD is not in it. Whatever chance she has of making other friends will be made worse if these girls gossip about her mum getting involved in friendship issues. I hope things improve for your DD and other friendship opportunities present themselves.

My daughter had friendship problems in year 11 and I advised her to make friends with some boys as there seemed to be less drama with their circle. She was in a slightly different situation but it did help her to have people to sit with and talk to. She's still friends with some of them now (she's left school now).

Why don’t you ask your DD if she wants to go out for food or to the cinema with her friends (and you’ll pay, if you can afford to)
I personally wouldn’t contact the school as it may backfire and if the girls are spoken to they may get the hump x

That sounds awful op.

Could your daughter have her own party? It’s Christmas soon so you have the perfect party reason.

Not only will it provide a bit of fun and excitement for your daughter, but socialising with these girls out of school will really help.

She might even make some other friends too?

She has only known them a few weeks and they are a whole year younger than her and have been friends for a long time. I think it’s perfectly reasonable for them to be doing things without your dd. I think you need to sit her down and gently talk to her about getting to widen her social circle. She seems so desperate to be part of a group but really her focus should be to meet as many people as possible at this stage.

Oh OP it sounds stressful for you and DD. I think at sixth form it will be more difficult for the school to intervene effectively and I would respect DD's wishes that you don't contact the school. By intervening you'll probably actually damage her resilience and confidence by sending the message that she needs her mother's help socially. Much more important than being invited to parties right now is that DD boosts her confidence. It's really quite early on in the year. These girls may have known each other for years. I would encourage DD to be a bit more forward - maybe invite someone out for coffee or something. If that doesn't work encourage her to seek friendship elsewhere.

I would not contact the school, and Id def not move her.

I would do things that help build her self esteem.

Id also give her a pep talk - i did this with my son when he moved school and it worked really well. Basically, he has to remember that people have inertia - espcially teens. They are all waiting for someone to organise something or plan something. SO she needs to be that person - you can help in the background if needed.

So ask her to invite everyone over for fireworks - they can all go to a display and then come back to yours for a sleepover

Or they could plan a christmas shopping trip together in a big city

Or a meal at nandos

Or to meet up and see the latest movie together - maybe you could volunteer to drive them

The more she tries and succeeds in organising things, the more she will get to know people and she will start to develop a social network with herself as a key player.

Hey @TabbyT

I completely understand your concerns, I know how hard it is. My best friend suffered with anorexia for many years so I know how vulnerable sufferers can be, even when in recovery, and how hard it is to watch someone you love struggle. You feel so desperate to help and want things to be as 'normal' as possible for them as quickly as they can be.

What I would say though is that it is only the 1st November and your daughter just started this school in September - she is still a very new addition. It sounds like she's actually made a really good start with this group of girls, and it seems like they like her too. It does take a little while to become part of an established group.

I am part of a group of six school friends and a couple of those arrived later than the rest - it took several months for them to become a true part of the group and we likely would never invited a new person to one of our birthdays after a matter of weeks. Not because we didn't like them but just because it takes a while to get comfortable with people and forge a real friendship.

I really think your DD should give inviting the girls somewhere another shot. It was probably a little naive of her to try and organise an actual birthday event for someone she's only recently met - it stands to reason that the birthday girl would already have something organised with her pals - but I bet she would get a different result if she asked them to go to the cinema or shopping or something.

I would really encourage her to invite them to something casual like that and just keep reminding her that she's still very new and friendships take a little while to build. Also she may find that as time goes by she meets others at the school she has more in common with anyway.

It’s hard. Very hard. But I think I would hold of contacting the school. It’s still fairly early in the year really. It takes time to build up friendships.

It’s nice that they are friendly and welcoming to her at school but as others have said they have been friends for a while now and it just may take your dd a bit longer to meld with with group enough that she is invited to stuff outside school.

I think I would advise her to just carry on being friendly for the moment and maybe think about her arranging something. A night at the cinema or meeting up for a shopping trip and coffee or invite them over for a movie and pizza night at home. I wouldn’t do it straight away but in a month or so.

I think it will be like this until she moves on to college.
I'd be telling mie that these aren't people she will know after leaving school.
They are nice to her which is all that can be expected as she is new, a year older and only going to be there a short time.

Encourage her to meet up with existing friends after school, at this age much is taken up with studies anyway.

I have a child with mh issues, sometimes you do have to let them get on with it and find their own way, as tough as that sounds.
I wouldn't contact school unless it was affecting her mh at that time.

Having been in a similar set up to your daughter please do not contact the school. I was bulimic and slightly older and we had moved towns due to being sexually assaulted in a previous school. When the new school found out they decided to sit me down with a couple of other kids from the school and that we should be friends. There is NOTHING worse than that. And so embarrassing because I just wanted to finish school. It also resulted in me doing crap and despite wanting to go back to education I can't bring myself to do it because of bad experiences with school.
Please support your girl in other ways, even if it means you being her best friend. I am so grateful my mum did that for me, and after the year at said school we moved again and at that point I was old enough to do my education online.

As a teacher I would expect a parent to get in touch over something like this, no we can't force friendships but class teachers could be made aware she is upset and just show her some extra kindness, make sure she isn't left out of group work etc.

PS. I wouldn't speak to the school unless it's just to give a trusted teacher the heads up to keep an eye on her.

At 17 there is very little they can do to help with friendships outside of completely embarrassing your DD but actually speaking to the girls in question about it.

She honestly sounds like she's doing great and just needs to carry on as she is. In the meantime, she has her friends from her previous school - maybe get her to make some plans with them on the weekends too.

OMG don't have a party it's far too high stakes.

It's only been 7 weeks. They're 17. It's not like when they were 8 and new friendships form in days. Friendships take time. Like a pp said, they will be welcoming in the school environment and perhaps not ready yet to bring her more into the group.

School play, sport, all good. Chat to the person you know for some intelligence perhaps but don't expect an intervention. I'd suggest DD also invites them for low key coffee etc - at some point. Not too in your face. Does she have friends from old school or outside school, that she can rekindle?

I can't offer any advice, but you sound like a fantastic mum x

I second the above post, you have gone to great lengths to ensure she excels at school. The first move was a bit drastic, as now she is the "New kid on the block" so to speak; her only saviour would have been another newbie as a friend. I don’t see any harm in contacting the school, they would definitely be discrete, but it does depend upon how they handle the situation, perhaps if they discuss a plan that you could both agree to. If none of that works, could she finish her schooling at how, or indeed is it possible to find yet another school.

I know lots of people are saying don't contact the school but this isn't about getting these girls to include her, it is about making the school aware that she is struggling with friendships and pastoral care/mental health and well being of students is paramount. So yes, contact the school as endorsed above by a teacher.

Ds1 has also started sixth form and is trying to move on from the friends he had at secondary due to their idiotic behaviour and trying to disassociate from them. He is also finding it hard to break into friendship cliques.

Sixth form are aware and have advised that people stick with what they know and then between November and December they start to form new friendships when they become more comfortable with going into sixth form.

You sound like a lovely Mum, it is good that she is going to clubs and involving herself in extra curricular things too. I think it is important for your DD to realise how far she has come, and that friendships take time.

OP, please do not contact the school yet. This is a group of girls, a year younger with established friendships and they are being nice to her in school. I would not want to jeopardise that - which may happen if the school gets involved.

Are they “cool” girls or more studious? That matters.

I was in a similar position to your DD a long time ago, a year older, new school after an ED. I wanted to join a group of “cool” girls, and I was successful, but it was exhausting with trying to fit in, say right things, look the part and after about a year I realised that I didn’t like my friends very much. It was not the right group for me.

Could you try to encourage friendships on a one to one basis instead? More low key and less high stakes for a cautious start. Go shopping for a great pair of jeans, study, going for coffee, whatever the girls are in to? If she does want to join this group, close relationships with one or two of the girls is crucial. Or / and do that with some of the girls from the activities she is doing?

How did she word her invite?

‘Take me out to lunch’ might sound like she expected them to pay?

I think starting off really small- for example, if they’re in class together P5 on a Friday, walk into town after school and get a coffee- or whatever.

Is she planning on going to university? Maybe start her thinking about that.

Your daughter sounds so very fragile, and I can totally understand your concern, but I don’t think these girls are necessarily the issue.

They have, as pp have said, made their bonds etc already, and may just not be ready to include your DD in their possibly pre-planned events. They could be vile bullies/mean girls, but it’s way too early to know either way. If you can talk to a teacher that you know really well, but there’s no chance of them all being hauled in and given a talking to, then I would talk to that teacher. In an informal ‘please watch out for my kid’ kind of way. They may have some insight into how it’s all playing out in the group, or know whether these girls are awful or just more bonded with one another than with your very new DD.

It’s so very upsetting feeling left out, but if you can get your DD to change her perception and understating of things, she may realise that she isn’t truly being pushed away, but that people sometimes need more time to get to know others. They might have got a prepaid set menu at the dinner place that was booked ages before, a parent might have paid for the girl’s birthday and only paid for x amount of girls that they knew of well. The possibilities as to why they didn’t include her are endless, and don’t have to be spiteful or deliberate.

Your DD needs her self esteem worked on, so that she’s not so devastated by others’ actions, which at her age will almost always be difficult to work out. I really hope things get better for her soon, she’s lucky to have such a loving and concerned mum.

Exclusion is a type of bullying and just as damaging. But if she isn’t physically being bullied I wouldn’t move her at this stage when she probably only has one year left. Instead I’d focus on getting her involved with hobbies and making other friends so she isn’t as reliant on these mean girls. Amateur theatre groups are usually a good bet for someone who needs to improve their confidence.

I agree that friendships take time, and it is hard to become part of an established group. My eldest went through a time when she had no good friends in school at all, but did have a good friend in another school. Somehow she soldiered through it and has a group of friends now, boys and girls (year 11).
I agree with befriending boys as well as girls. Also making an effort with anyone else who seems a bit out on a limb. It may seem forever, but she only has five more terms, and much of that will be taken up with exams. I suggest she remains neutral with the group of girls and waits it out, seeming too needy can make groups less likely to include a child . She may have more luck getting to know one person a bit better, rather than wanting to join a gang. One by one is a much better way to go about it, also accepting that her better friends might not be in her school, she just needs to get through the day.
I would also chat to the school, it is good for them to know how she is settling in, and I imagine they will be able to reassure you. Things can change so much over a term for a start.
Of course sixth form college is an option too, but I would see how she is at Christmas before even thinking of that.