AIBU to contact the school behind DD's back?

[TabbyT]

DD2 is 17. She was really ill with anorexia in year 11 and, after GCSEs we moved her to another school as we felt the original school had contributed to her problems (it was a highly selective, all girls school and very pressurised).

She moved to the school that DD1 had gone to, and had thrived at. It is co-ed, and less pressurised. Due to her illness DD2 missed the first half of year 12 as she was being treated in hospital for anorexia. She therefore struggled both academically and socially to catch up.

We all decided that it would be better for her to repeat year 12 rather than to move up to year 13 and so in September she started year 12 again. She is doing really well academically, but socially she is finding it really hard. She found a group of girls who she liked and started sitting with them at lunch etc. She thought they were becoming friends but she knows through social media, and conversations at school, that they are meeting up, having parties etc and she is never invited. She is so unhappy, it is heartbreaking. She cries every morning.

I have suggested that I speak to the school as I don't know what else to do. I know they can't intervene directly but I thought they might be able to give me some advice. I know some of the teachers well because of DD1. DD2 says she does not want me to contact the school but I am at my wits end. She always had lots of friends when she was younger and is a bubbly outgoing girl. She is just crushed by everything she has been through.

Does anyone have experience of anything similar and any advice? I have got her a referral to a psychiatrist (privately through my medical insurance) as I hope that will help. The other option would be to move her to another school.

Thanks in advance.

TabbyT, I am so sorry for your daughter and for you.

It's very early days at the school, Tabby. I believe your daughter will make friends, maybe next term. Please encourage her to relax and to do a few interesting things, that will animate her. I'm so glad she's doing well academically.

Other than that I can't add to what others have said. You sound like a great mum.

"Exclusion is a type of bullying and just as damaging." But not inviting someone you don't really know to something already planned by a close group of friends categorically isn't that. These girls might have been having sleepovers together since they were 11.

OP is she in Y12 - so she has 2 years left of 6th form? Personally I think I might have considered/be considering 6th form college. It's a different set up to school. Easier for new friendships. Different kind of social scene. For now I would encourage DD to wait it out, relax and do things with her free time. The ED and its treatment is still very recent, she needs to take time herself as well as let others take time to get to know her. Not just this one group if possible. Give her the option of moving at Xmas if its not working. Sometimes knowing you have a get out means you don't need to use it.

Your poor DD.

I would have a quiet word with someone at school but make sure you reiterate that this is 100% confidential and is just a meeting about getting advice and keeping a close eye on DD.

In terms of her improving her friendships, could you organise something? A pamper party? Christmas? Cinema? Something really good that they can't say no to!

It's hard because they are an established friendship group and your DD is new to them, so give them a chance. It's only been a few weeks.

Oh op this is so painful as a parent to see. I went to sixth form college myself and found it a much more relaxed environment than school.

One problem with moving her though is that this could be a problem with her emotional resilience rather than the actual situation

These girls are really good friends and they are only sixteen so lack the awareness adults might have of ensuring they include a newcomer in everything

Is it possible to talk to her about friendship about emotional resilience and about expectations ? I work freelance and have had many experiences of being slightly left out by colleagues. Sometimes hurt more than others.

In life your daughter will need skills like these often.

Could it be that her expectations here are a bit high when she has just met these girls and they are an established group of friends? There are so many factors that social media doesn't show.

Perhaps the dinner was organised at the house of one of the girls or paid for by a parent. So there wasn't the option easily to extend an invitation. Perhaps they genuinely don't see her as part of their group on quite the same way she does.

The underlying problem here as well as her natural fragility is social media. She is being given painful glimpses of a life that she isn't part of. When we grew up we didn't have to deal with this .

I think school might gently be supportive but they are a bit old for adult intervention. I can't imagine that ever happening at my own sixth form

She could do with help discussing and learning about how making friends is a life long journey. Could she join groups outside school ?

Could you help her do a sort of CBT approach to the situation and look at how little she really knows when she sees stuff on social media

Could you talk about how this group may really like her but still not invite her to a small group dinner just yet.

Could she make a list of ways to build friendships in small manageable ways?

I work in a secondary school (including Sixth Form) in a pastoral capacity and suffered from Anorexia as a teenager.
One of the most difficult things about recovery from Anorexia is the loss of agency- a great deal of choice and control has to be taken away from you before you can get better. You're told what to eat, when to eat, how much, when you can and can't exercise. All these things are necessary of course, but it feels so suffocating when you're in that place. I remember feeling very strongly that no one was listening to me. If your DD is saying she does not want you to contact the school about her friendship issues then I think it's very important that you listen to her. If you go behind her back and she finds out it may well prevent her from confiding in you in the future- which is the absolute last thing you want given how vulnerable she is. If there was anything the school could say or do to make a difference to your DD's difficulty finding a friendship group then I suppose it might be worth running that risk but I genuinely can't think of anything. They would most likely focus on encouraging her to participate in extra-curricular activities to broaden her circle but it sound like you have that covered.
They would also tell you that it is very early days in terms of your DD settling in at a new school, which is true. It's really not surprising that she doesn't have a firm friendship group yet since she only arrived in September and it's important to manage her expectations around this and to keep things positive, reminding her how well she has done and how far she has come. I definitely wouldn't jump to moving schools because it hasn't worked out exactly as she would like it to with the first friends she's made. Her friendship with these girls may yet develop, they may include her more as they get to know her better and start to see her as part of the group. Or she may find another group of friends who are more suited to her. But it certainly won't be any easier to break into an established friendship group at a new school.

OMG don't have a party it's far too high stakes

100% agree with this. A 17 yo recovering from Anorexia does not need that kind of social pressure. She needs to be reminded that it's very early days, she has done brilliantly to have made any friends at all in only a few weeks and that these things take time.

Thank you so much for all your responses. I am really touched that so many people have shared their thoughts and experiences.

I think that @MinisterforCheekyFuckery is right, and I do need to listen to her. She is confiding in me a lot, which is good as it means the issue is not hidden. So I won't speak to the school.

DD actually came home for lunch today (she doesn't normally but I am at home today as I have the day off) and so we agreed she could as a one off, and I showed her this thread. I think it really helped her to read all your responses.

It is early days, she probably overdid it when she suggested a birthday lunch. I have advised her to keep her expectations realistic, to realise that school is not for ever and to be grateful for the things that are going right in her life. (This time last year we spent Halloween at the hospital she was being treated at and I had no idea that this time this year she would be back at school).

Thank you again.