AIBU to think it's no wonder some children will grow up to hate their lives.. .

[Spookytoast3]

.... And people should bloody well be more careful about how they speak to children sometimes?

My nephew, DH's sister's son, is ten. I have known him since he was a young toddler,and I have been biting my tongue for exactly that long. He has never had any boundaries, has always been allowed all the sweets, TV and xbox time he wants, is bought whatever he wants (only for SIL to chuck it in the bin weeks later when he loses interest)

BIL and SIL are very preoccupied with their own lives, and left him with PIL all the time, from babyhood. They never took him out anywhere. His first trip to the swimming pool was with DH and I when he was six, and his first trip to the local library (which he lives minutes away from) was with his school.

On top of that, and in my opinion the worst thing, is the language used by SIL and PIL towards him. They would call him "a nightmare" in front of him, "a bad egg," and say things like 'well there's no point in your mummy and daddy trying to do anything with you, you're bad, you're a menace" that sort of thing. SIL resents having to parent, and is very much the spoilt golden child - I think they've set DN up as a child who is "born bad" and is making poor Sils life hard, rather than admitting the truth that BIL and SIL have both shirked their responsibilities

I've seen him come into PILs from school, all excited about something, only to have the excitement squelched out of him by them sniffing and sneering.

DH and I tried our best, we have taken him for many, many days out and overnights, and found him a lovely boy.

Recently however, he is miserable - he stays up until midnight playing his video games, he doesn't want to see his friends any more, and he says he hates his life. I asked if SIL and BIL were going to take him to the GP- no, he's a moan, he's always been the same.

DH and I now have a baby of our own, and I can see the comments starting up again. PIL fell out with me a bit after her birth, as apparently I was "too excited and worked up" and "thought my child was better than everyone else's". Now that she's becoming a (very stubborn!) toddler, they're coming out with the comments. I've been told that DD is going to be "a nightmare" "a tomboy" and "not to expect she'll do anything she's told", they've tried to feed her sweets (hard jellies, a choking hazard) and they huff because I don't make her give them kisses,calling her "a bad girl"

I have been doing the silly "talk through your child" thing - "tell Nana you aren't a bad girl, you're a lovely girl, nobody has to give kisses" but I'm not sure if it's passive aggressive.

I'm just so sad for my nephew, and angry that they're now trying it with DD. I don't mean to sound precious, but that attitude is just not what I want for my child. DH has poor self esteem and low confidence, though it's got a lot better in recent years - but I can see why.

Sorry, not quite sure what my AIBU is- just a rant really, as I don't have anyone else to talk about this to, and don't want to rant too much to DH as it is his family at the end of the day. And I suppose some validation that I'm not some sort of naive snob, which I'm pretty sure they think I am

CodenameVillanelle - I completely agree with this. I think it's hard to predict which children will survive abusive upbringings unscathed and which won't, because there are so many interacting factors. My childhood wasn't as bad as some but my mother was very controlling (even when I was a young adult at university, she asserted her "right" to control my movements, e.g. there were areas of London such as Leicester Square where I wasn't allowed to go in case of terrorism, and I ended up dropping a club I loved because my mother made so much fuss about not wanting me taking the bus back to Halls at 6.45 pm in winter), my feelings were always dismissed and I was sneered at for being "ridiculous" and "making trouble" if I was upset, and I was afraid of my mother's meltdowns if I accidentally bruised her ego or innocently undermined her image of herself as the perfect mother. I don't have any answer to the question of why I first considered suicide aged 10 and was on antidepressants for most of my twenties, whilst my sibling - who grew up in the same environment - has dealt with his issues from our childhood with far more resilience.

Thank you all for your replies. I did in fact start to take DN to an activity that I was involved in, years ago, but SIL put a stop to it.. I think she felt I was showing her up. There was much discussion and agreement amongst PILs for weeks afterwards, regarding what a stupid activity it is and how DN shouldn't have to do it if he didn't want to. DN had loved the activity as far as I can see.

They are like crabs in a bucket - anything that is different from what they know is immediately dismissed as crap and pointless. I got an item for my baby which is meant to be a good toy to help with her development - it wasn't a toy they'd ever seen before, so immediately it was crap and DD obviously hated it, take it away. DN had been subject to this attitude on a constant basis since birth

Screwtheclock some resilience factors are internal. Being above average intelligence and attractiveness are factors (not that I'm suggesting you are not!!) but they can enable kids to engage positively with school or draw the attention of other adults who will look out for them. Some children just have less vulnerability to low self esteem which is a personality trait that is probably partly genetic.

I work with kids in care. If there was a formula for resilience we would be doing an amazing job but sadly it's always a bit random.

@Velveteenfruitbowl some children can be very resilient but also this slow chipping away and branding a child a certain way at a young age can really have an impact long term. I had a lot of negative comments about what was "wrong" with me particularly from my father and it definitely had a massive effect - low self-esteem, eating issues, depression, ending up in emotionally abusive relationships etc. I know a lot of people who have struggled similarly.

I have been resilient in the sense that I have come through it all and built a good life for myself and am generally speaking quite happy, but it certainly has been difficult and there are still some things which echo in my mind at times, two decades after I left home, and I will probably never form a healthy romantic relationship.

I know you are trying to be comforting to the OP but you are generalizing and minimizing as a consequence.

Screwtheclockchange are you me? I could have written your post. DM genuinely believes she has a right to control DB and I even though we are both in our thirties. She comes from a very toxic and enmeshed family system and just doesnt understand boundaries. Thoughts and feelings were always dismissed, and any opinions that were different to hers caused a strop and a sulk. More recently she hit the roof when DB and I both dared to publicly declare our support to a different political party than the one she has always voted for. Her response to that was one of genuine anger!

She's also said many times over the years that she wished that DB and I could have stayed as babies! Aapparently we were easier then. For years I never got this, but now I realise its because babies are helpless, dependent on their adult carers and cant talk. They dont yet have opinions, thoughts and feelings of their own and are unable to to do things for themselves.

There’s a Barnardos poster currently on a bus stop I go past every day and it says The way you speak to a child becomes their inner voice. It really resonates with me because my parents, my dad in particular, were quite negative and critical people. Nothing as bad as your ILs and I don’t think done intentionally but they always seemed to speak to us very impatiently, were much quicker to criticize than to praise eg focus on the one spelling or sum you got wrong and not the 9 you got right!

It does have a negative affect and it’s very hard to change that inner voice even as an adult. There’s only so much you can do for your nephew unfortunately but IMO you really need to limit your child’s contact with them so they’re not able to do this to her too.

Get your dh on side if you can but even if he’s reluctant to rock the boat I think you still need to make up your mind what you will and won’t put up with. If the “talking through dd” isn’t working then you need to tell them directly. Every time they do it pull them up and don’t let a fear of causing upset stop you. After all, they’re not too bothered about upsetting dd or dn are they? Your child’s mental health is way more important than keeping the peace with the ILs.

YADNBU. It's awful for your nephew and unacceptable for your daughter. Be very blunt when they say she's bad. Tell them she's not and she has the choice to kiss or not kiss whomever she wants. Do what you can for your nephew, it seems like you're limited there, but you have 100% control over theor actions towards your daughter.

I remember, although I liked my SIL a lot (she died when her kids were 5 yo and 15 yo, unfortunately), i absolutely couldn't stand the wsy she spoke to her older daughter. The tone every time they talked made me cringe. I say my husband starting it with my daughters and put a very quick halt to it. You speak to people (especially your children ffs) in a tone that shows them they are worthy of respect and should expect that from anyone they encounter (and to give it to other people as well!). Help your daughter grow into a woman who won't accept abuse. And keep doing whatever you can for your poor nephew.

That is abuse.

I have a very anxious 14 year old. Hr has Dyslexia and hates school. Every day is a battle to get him up and to school. Today I just have tears and being told he just wants.to be on his own. He got up and just walked.out of the house. I jumped in the car drove around and couldn't find him. I rang him and he is in our caravan on our drive. I spoke to him and he.says its all too much and he just wants to be on his own. So I messaved the school and said he is anxious and needs a mental health day. I told him he can tidy the caravan get the quilts out and spend the day there chilling. Have I don't the right thing. Need a parent guide book

Those saying contact NSPCC etc..no point, as long as DC is materially cared for they will do nothing. 20 odd years ago we had this with a relative. The DC were emotionally/verbally/physically abused. Numerous reports were made to school/SS/NSPCC. On one occasion police were called to a disturbance at the house. The police woman asked the 8yr old if mummy hit him, he said yes. Nothing happened. The children were clean, well fed, immaculate house that should ring alarmbells We ended up going LC to NC after a couple of years. We couldn't protect the DC and we weren't prepared to expose our DC to it. The DC no longer have contact with their family or each other.