My DM and Christmas, AIBU to do it my/DDs way?

[JustForever]

I am separated from DDs dad. Christmas always looks the same, and I am quite happy with that:-

Christmas Eve DD is with me.
Christmas Day:-
DD wakes up with me, does presents including Santa presents, has breakfast
We walk to my mums (20 minute walk at most), do presents with her, have a small lunch (soup or pate with crackers or similar)
Between 2 and 2.30pm ExH picks DD up from my mums and either walks or drives the mile and a half to his parents (he lives with his parents I am 1 mile from my mum and 2.5 miles from ExH roughly, both sets of parents moved to be closer when DD was born) where DD has presents, Christmas Dinner etc with her dad
I stay with my mum and brother (and mums side of the family, which is all adults) and have Christmas Dinner and then walk home (I usually have a drink with Christmas Dinner so won’t drive even if under the limit – if it’s pouring down one of my aunts is teetotal and stays in a hotel near to my house so drops me off)

ExH drops DD back to me sometime between 4 and 5pm on Boxing Day. Then New Year is flipped, so ExH has DD for New Years Eve and Day and I have NYD Afternoon. This works because ExH works Christmas Eve and DD goes to the school my house is in catchment for so basically she’s back with me in time to get back into routine ready for school after the excitement of Christmas.

DD likes it this way. She’s 5 in Year 1. She loves that she in her own words “sees her whole family on Christmas Day, that’s amazing and very very nice”. It worked well last year, there was no arguing over whose Christmas it was and DD was very happy she’d be seeing her dad and her cousins on Christmas Day (My brother is childless by choice so no similar aged cousins on my side). It didn’t feel rushed or like we were counting down the clock at all, as I knew exactly how to fit everything in. I also knew I was going to get the opportunity to have the best of both worlds aka see the magic of Christmas through my child but also have some part of the day which is more adult orientated and allowed me a “rest” of sorts – last year I had a lie-in on Boxing Day which I rarely get due to work.

Week to week DD has regular contact with her dad, is used to sleeping at his house and although he’s not the best dad (slightly Disney etc) he’s not harmful so I don’t worry about her going.

My mum says it’s not fair. We should switch to a year about arrangement so that she can experience a full Christmas with DD. Basically she wants me to stay overnight with DD on her sofa bed and then send DD to her dads for New Year then the following year swap.

AIBU to tell my mum actually I like Christmas how it is? And waking up in my own bed is far nicer especially when she sees DD on Christmas Day anyway?

For context when me and ExH where together, mum and him didn’t get on. She doesn’t like him and thinks I’m too flexible with him when it comes to arrangements for DD. We split when DD was 3 due to ExHs attitude and controlling behaviour we do have a CAO but never stick to it as the arrangements we make are much better for DD compared to the enforced CAO one.

If it works for you and your dd I wouldn't change it. Your daughter happiness is the only thing that matters.

Could always suggest to your mum to do something on Xmas eve together, start a new tradition, maybe your mum could stay at yours and you 3 could have a movie/dinner night and your mum could see the magic of your daughter opening her gifts.

No room to stay at mine or I'd offer that. But she could come over and do movie/one or two presents.

Your house, your Dr, your Xmas so your rules.

I would hate what your dm suggests so would my kids at that age.

Why should you and dd spend Xmas eve anywhere but your own house? This works for everyone your dd loves it so no contest.

It's not about what your DM wants or deems fair. If it's working for you and your ex, and your DD is happy too then stay as you are. Roll out the MN mantra "sorry mum that doesn't work for me".

I spent years dreading Christmas because of the guilt tripping I got over my parents demands over seeing my children.
Once I stood up for myself and we have our own Christmas routine I love it!!
Don’t be me and stand your ground!!

I think if your daughter and both of her parents are happy then it stays in this format unless one of you needs it to change. There could well come a point where one of you gets a new partner or your daughter asks to spend the day in one place. It sounds lovely for her at the moment.

You have a very good arrangement that suits you do not change it to suit your mum

Christmas should be about what your dd wants - dm had here childhood ones, let your dd enjoy hers

YWBVVVU to change an arrangement that sounds like it perfectly suits your daughter and both her parents, just because your mum feels entitled to have it a different way!

Your way sounds like it works for everyone else, why should your mums image of a “proper” Christmas ruin it? Navigating Christmas arrangements between separated parents is a minefield and frequently leaves one or both parents and/or the child feeling that it’s unfair. You’ve somehow balanced it perfectly ( for your specific circumstances, obviously it wouldn’t suit everyone but it suits you and ex and did which is what matters) so hang on to it!

the arrangement is brilliant. i would stick toit -in a well meaning way - your mum needs to butt out!!

Just because your mum wants to see her GD all day on Christmas day doesn't take away from the fact that your DD has a mum and a dad who ALSO want to see her over Christmas.

Do what YOU and your DD want and don't let your DM make you feel guilty. She's had her Christmases with her children. Now it's your turn.

You’d be mad to change it. It works. Also, she does get Christmas. You go to hers every year. Also, there’s no way as an adult I’m sleeping on someone’s sofa bed when I have my bed 15 mins walk away!

Stick to your guns. This is not your mums business.

I wouldn’t be messing with a contact agreement that works for everyone else in order to please your DM. Christmas can be a difficult time when it comes to contact, but you have found an arrangement that works so stick to it.

I thought this thread was going to be EXH wants to change it and was shocked to see it’s your mum that does. It has nothing to do with her just say no. That’s it. Problem solved.

I do see where your mum is coming from. The fun of Christmas lunch or dinner with her grandchild has been denied to her. All she gets is one sparse meal with her....but she could make that more exciting with crackers and things so... Yanbu

I kind of think that your DD's dad has more dibs to see DD on Christmas Day than your mum getting to see her all day. Sure it might be nice, but your DD should see her dad if that's what's agreed between you both. I wonder how your DM might feel if your MIL insisted that DD spent the whole of Christmas Day with them instead?

I agree with starting a new tradition with your mum. We used to go to my grandparents on Christmas Eve and open one present (from overseas family friends). As it came via airmail, it was super exciting to see what unusual items/foods we had. Grandad or my uncle would play the piano and we'd sing carols. I'm sure you could have a really special Christmas Eve.

I think your way of doing it is actually wonderful! Since DD is happy, then that's the way it should be done.

As far as your mum, if she can't stay over (blow up bed?) then she can get up early and come over to watch DD open presents if she's that keen on it. After all, she's just a mile away and if you ring her as soon as DD stirs she could be at yours in 5 minutes (assuming she drives).

We never spent the night at either parent's house. Xmas morning was always 'at home'. My DC always woke at the butt-crack of dawn and neither set of grandparents wanted to get up and come over that early. So they came a little later for breakfast (DH cooked) and to see what Santa brought.

Your dd comes first. You and your ex are happy parents. Your mum is being selfish.

She can drive yes so could come over Christmas Morning.

I get the point about Christmas Dinner and mum never seeing her but I couldn't find a fairer way of doing it without swapping year about and then we both lose out as ExH gets double time for working CE which then benefits DD in terms of maintenance and school trips and things in January etc.

Plus DD loves seeing her cousins Christmas Day and I can't imagine having to spend 3 days without her EO year.

I do wonder where @BillHadersNewWife might have a good thought around Christmas dinner though, but that might be any easy thing to coordinate with your ex.

Good grief, if it ain't broke don't fix it!

Sounds like it suits the most important people namely DD, then her 2 parents. Well done you for having established a way of sorting things with DD at the heart.

There are plenty of other opportunities for family traditions if your DM wants to.

If the three of you are happy that's all that matters.

You and Ex are putting DD first. Your DM wants to put herself first. Stick with what has worked so far.

You could maybe chat about having a lunch time Christmas dinner sometimes with your mum, and ex has DD as usual but is aware she might not eat a full dinner later on with him. Just a thought if you were bothered by it.

You do what you want,and what’s best for you and your daughter. What you do now works at the moment, so great carry on. Your mother will just have to accept it