My DM and Christmas, AIBU to do it my/DDs way?

[JustForever]

I am separated from DDs dad. Christmas always looks the same, and I am quite happy with that:-

Christmas Eve DD is with me.
Christmas Day:-
DD wakes up with me, does presents including Santa presents, has breakfast
We walk to my mums (20 minute walk at most), do presents with her, have a small lunch (soup or pate with crackers or similar)
Between 2 and 2.30pm ExH picks DD up from my mums and either walks or drives the mile and a half to his parents (he lives with his parents I am 1 mile from my mum and 2.5 miles from ExH roughly, both sets of parents moved to be closer when DD was born) where DD has presents, Christmas Dinner etc with her dad
I stay with my mum and brother (and mums side of the family, which is all adults) and have Christmas Dinner and then walk home (I usually have a drink with Christmas Dinner so won’t drive even if under the limit – if it’s pouring down one of my aunts is teetotal and stays in a hotel near to my house so drops me off)

ExH drops DD back to me sometime between 4 and 5pm on Boxing Day. Then New Year is flipped, so ExH has DD for New Years Eve and Day and I have NYD Afternoon. This works because ExH works Christmas Eve and DD goes to the school my house is in catchment for so basically she’s back with me in time to get back into routine ready for school after the excitement of Christmas.

DD likes it this way. She’s 5 in Year 1. She loves that she in her own words “sees her whole family on Christmas Day, that’s amazing and very very nice”. It worked well last year, there was no arguing over whose Christmas it was and DD was very happy she’d be seeing her dad and her cousins on Christmas Day (My brother is childless by choice so no similar aged cousins on my side). It didn’t feel rushed or like we were counting down the clock at all, as I knew exactly how to fit everything in. I also knew I was going to get the opportunity to have the best of both worlds aka see the magic of Christmas through my child but also have some part of the day which is more adult orientated and allowed me a “rest” of sorts – last year I had a lie-in on Boxing Day which I rarely get due to work.

Week to week DD has regular contact with her dad, is used to sleeping at his house and although he’s not the best dad (slightly Disney etc) he’s not harmful so I don’t worry about her going.

My mum says it’s not fair. We should switch to a year about arrangement so that she can experience a full Christmas with DD. Basically she wants me to stay overnight with DD on her sofa bed and then send DD to her dads for New Year then the following year swap.

AIBU to tell my mum actually I like Christmas how it is? And waking up in my own bed is far nicer especially when she sees DD on Christmas Day anyway?

For context when me and ExH where together, mum and him didn’t get on. She doesn’t like him and thinks I’m too flexible with him when it comes to arrangements for DD. We split when DD was 3 due to ExHs attitude and controlling behaviour we do have a CAO but never stick to it as the arrangements we make are much better for DD compared to the enforced CAO one.

You sound a lovely Mum who puts her dd first. If your current plan works then I would continue with it. It sounds like dd has a lovely time and you get a bit of grown up time too. Your Mum should be thankful she gets to see her dgd on Christmas Day.

OP, so:

1. You never have Christmas lunch with DD.
2. Your mum never has Christmas lunch with her GD.
3. XH and XPIL always have Christmas lunch with DD.

I can see why your DM is disappointed as Christmas lunch is an important part of the day. Why don't you alternate so that one year your DD does what she currently does and the next year she spends Christmas lunch with you at your mum's and then is picked up at, say 4p.m. and then goes to her other GM's where she can spend time with her cousins?

I'd be telling my mum that the only time the arrangement will change is when my daughter becomes unhappy with it or her parents need to change it.
It wouldn't be changing to pacify a grown adult

I am not sure many 5 year olds really want to sit around having a big Christmas meal, surely it's far nicer for Grandma to be able to spend some time with DGD rather than being busy cooking . Much nicer for the adults to enjoy a 'civilised' meal amongst themselves and DGD can have her meal with her cousins in a bit of a 'younger' atmosphere. My DS is an only child and although he always behaved well, as I was very aware that it wasn't always much fun being the only young person at the dinner table.

XH gets Christmas lunch, but never gets Christmas morning. I wouldn’t ask him to give up the meal.

You have an arrangement that sounds relaxed and works for your child. I’d stick with it. If your mother wants more. She can get it on other days. She could start a tradition of decorating a gingerbread house with her granddaughter, or baking cookies, or any number of holiday themed activities that can take place from dec 1-24.

Leave it how it is.
It works, Dd is happy.

Your Mum has no business sticking her oar in.

This sounds
Like a lovely arrangement. Your mum sounds selfish. She gets to see your daughter for lunch and your daughter gets to run around with cousins in the afternoon/evening.
Perfect, don’t change a thing

I think the only persons happiness you need to consider is your little girls, and it sounds like you've done that perfectly! And as someone upthread said quite rightly 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it' the problem you have by rocking the boat, is that not only will you upset your little girl but you run the risk of souring the relationship between you and your ex, which could cause you both so much unnecessary stress and tension.

Just explain to your mum, you understand her point, but this set up works for your daughter, and you enjoy your adult time over Christmas too!

I can see why your DM is disappointed as Christmas lunch is an important part of the day.

All that is important is that the little girl is happy on Christmas Day. The OP's DM feeling disappointed is irrelevant. She needs to suck it up and start putting her DGD first.

As a child of divorced parents and enduring years of fraught stress and drama with miserable Christmases being fought over.. well done OP you have struck a balance which is making DD happy! That is no small feat, please appreciate yourself for making it work so well.

Your DM can politely be told to fuck off, it's none of her business. Most worryingly she's on track to ruining it for everyone by singlehandedly creating drama out of thin air! The balance you've got is far too precious and valuable to be disrupted by DM. I'd be telling her in black and white to shut her piehole immediately and stop creating drama and negativity where there doesn't need to be any.

It's going to be difficult enough as it is once DD hits puberty, DM needs to be supportive of her DD (you) not critical.