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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DM and Christmas, AIBU to do it my/DDs way?

60 replies

JustForever · 31/10/2019 19:05

I am separated from DDs dad. Christmas always looks the same, and I am quite happy with that:-

Christmas Eve DD is with me.
Christmas Day:-
DD wakes up with me, does presents including Santa presents, has breakfast
We walk to my mums (20 minute walk at most), do presents with her, have a small lunch (soup or pate with crackers or similar)
Between 2 and 2.30pm ExH picks DD up from my mums and either walks or drives the mile and a half to his parents (he lives with his parents I am 1 mile from my mum and 2.5 miles from ExH roughly, both sets of parents moved to be closer when DD was born) where DD has presents, Christmas Dinner etc with her dad
I stay with my mum and brother (and mums side of the family, which is all adults) and have Christmas Dinner and then walk home (I usually have a drink with Christmas Dinner so won’t drive even if under the limit – if it’s pouring down one of my aunts is teetotal and stays in a hotel near to my house so drops me off)

ExH drops DD back to me sometime between 4 and 5pm on Boxing Day. Then New Year is flipped, so ExH has DD for New Years Eve and Day and I have NYD Afternoon. This works because ExH works Christmas Eve and DD goes to the school my house is in catchment for so basically she’s back with me in time to get back into routine ready for school after the excitement of Christmas.

DD likes it this way. She’s 5 in Year 1. She loves that she in her own words “sees her whole family on Christmas Day, that’s amazing and very very nice”. It worked well last year, there was no arguing over whose Christmas it was and DD was very happy she’d be seeing her dad and her cousins on Christmas Day (My brother is childless by choice so no similar aged cousins on my side). It didn’t feel rushed or like we were counting down the clock at all, as I knew exactly how to fit everything in. I also knew I was going to get the opportunity to have the best of both worlds aka see the magic of Christmas through my child but also have some part of the day which is more adult orientated and allowed me a “rest” of sorts – last year I had a lie-in on Boxing Day which I rarely get due to work.

Week to week DD has regular contact with her dad, is used to sleeping at his house and although he’s not the best dad (slightly Disney etc) he’s not harmful so I don’t worry about her going.

My mum says it’s not fair. We should switch to a year about arrangement so that she can experience a full Christmas with DD. Basically she wants me to stay overnight with DD on her sofa bed and then send DD to her dads for New Year then the following year swap.

AIBU to tell my mum actually I like Christmas how it is? And waking up in my own bed is far nicer especially when she sees DD on Christmas Day anyway?

For context when me and ExH where together, mum and him didn’t get on. She doesn’t like him and thinks I’m too flexible with him when it comes to arrangements for DD. We split when DD was 3 due to ExHs attitude and controlling behaviour we do have a CAO but never stick to it as the arrangements we make are much better for DD compared to the enforced CAO one.

OP posts:
GertiMJN · 31/10/2019 20:16

My ex's family shifted their main celebration day to New Years day because it got so complicated for couples rotating whose parents they went to etc. etc (and 2 divorced families). It was great.

Disfordarkchocolate · 31/10/2019 20:26

You don't get Christmas dinner either and it's fine with you. Your Mum doesn't get to figure in the sharing up of Christmas in the same way as you and your X do.

GertiMJN · 31/10/2019 20:31

OP gets Christmas dinner at her DM's @Disfordarkchocolate

I stay with my mum and brother (and mums side of the family, which is all adults) and have Christmas Dinner and then walk home

ifoundthebread · 31/10/2019 20:36

I had a similar routine when I was younger, and I liked it. Got to see everyone important over the festive period and I got to have 4 Christmas dinners in 2 days 😁😋 and I wonder why I'm over weight now do what works for you and your dd. Your mother had her years of doing Christmas how she wanted and now it's your turn.

TriciaH87 · 31/10/2019 20:37

Your child your choice.

BlueJava · 31/10/2019 20:43

Your DD, you and ExH are all happy with the arrangement, I really wouldn't rock the boat and change anything. I wouldn't even offer on the morning because that some nice one to one time with DD and why should you give that up. Tell her nicely and politely that it's staying as it is. Repeat as often as necessary!

Poppinjay · 31/10/2019 20:43

For as long as your DD is happy with the arrangement it should remain unchanged. She is the priority here, not her grandparent.

Contact is for the benefit of the child, not the adults.

Your DM is being selfish. Who in their right minds would rock this boat and risk there being conflict which ruins Christmas for your DD for the rest of her childhood and beyond.

Stick with what is working for your DD and ask your mum politely to wind her neck in.

saraclara · 31/10/2019 20:44

You've managed to solve the Christmas/NY jigsaw in a way that more than suits you, your ex and your daughter. And your Mum still gets to see your DD on Christmas Day. That's impressive!

So no, you don't destroy this perfectly balanced arrangement for your Mum.

pickingdaisies · 31/10/2019 20:52

Instead of breakfast and lunch, how about a special Christmas brunch at yours or your mum's, with pancakes or muffins, an extra special juice or smoothie, hot chocolate, that sort of thing. Just something nice and Christmassy that makes it feel special. (It's bagels and smoked salmon at ours!) But don't mess with the rest of it, it works!

Original poster
JustForever · 31/10/2019 21:04

Instead of breakfast and lunch, how about a special Christmas brunch at yours or your mum's, with pancakes or muffins, an extra special juice or smoothie, hot chocolate, that sort of thing

DD is up super early on Christmas Day only time of year she doesn't need waking up! so I do breakfast early hence the lighter lunch with my mum. I didn't add that in as I didn't feel it relevant. I could go to my mums slightly earlier to give her more time though or invite her for mid morning.

OP posts:
Fimat · 31/10/2019 21:07

I would 100 percent not change the setup you have if it suits you but could you make a bigger deal of Christmas Eve. Could your mum come over and have a hot chocolate and be there for the excitement of putting out the carrot for Rudolph and mince pie for Santa etc. Christmas Eve and Christmas morning are the most exciting parts for young children so try and get her on board for that.

QueenEnid · 31/10/2019 21:07

Christmas has changed a lot in our household since we have children and my DM has had to understand that things will no longer be her way.

She's not been overly happy about it but had accepted it.

Christmas is an entire holiday period. She doesn't need to see your daughter all day on 25th Dec. What about choosing another date?

We have Christmas Day at home. All who want to come are welcome but we aren't going anywhere. Boxing Day is with OHs family. New Year's Day mum has started having "Christmas" and doing a dinner for my side.

It's actually lovely. Very little stress. No rushing around thinking that you need to be seeing someone else that day too. Much better all round!

georgialondon · 31/10/2019 21:12

I bet your mom got to choose how her children spent their Christmases now it's your turn to choose for your child.
Its not her choice.

Disfordarkchocolate · 31/10/2019 21:13

Surely you deserve some time with just you and your daughter? Your Mum is not deprived of time with her granddaughter.

Original poster
JustForever · 31/10/2019 21:16

Surely you deserve some time with just you and your daughter? Your Mum is not deprived of time with her granddaughter.

True she does see her most weeks too and we live close enough that we can meet up at another point over the holidays.

OP posts:
mankyfourthtoe · 31/10/2019 21:21

You could do presents on xmas eve with your mum and have a roast etc? Or will she be precious about the actual day?

Drum2018 · 31/10/2019 21:23

Your current arrangement seems to work well for you, ex and most importantly dd. I wouldn't consider changing it.

Original poster
JustForever · 31/10/2019 21:24

Or will she be precious about the actual day?

I get the feeling she more thinks I'm being too nice to ExH by letting him have it "his way" every year as he works CE, but it doesn't really matter to me as my work closes around 22nd or 23rd and doesn't open again until 2nd so it doesn't actually matter whether we swap or not.

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 31/10/2019 21:24

And most importantly your daughter is happy, that's hard to do with so many people to balance. I bet there are things you would change if it was up to you but you put your daughter first.

Original poster
JustForever · 31/10/2019 21:27

you would change if it was up to you but you put your daughter first.

Actually I like the Christmas arrangement as I said best of both worlds. The week to week contact I'd change slightly but won't rock the boat as DD is happy and that's all that matters.

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 31/10/2019 21:29

It certainly is.

TheoneandObi · 31/10/2019 21:31

Sounds like a perfectly lovely xmas for everyone! Don’t change it

EdHelpPls · 31/10/2019 21:37

They sounds like a fantastic arrangement! Keep it how it is!

Would you do something extra on Xmas Eve with your mum so she can be part of the buildup?

EdHelpPls · 31/10/2019 21:38

Ooops- see you just answered that while I took forever typing my post 😳

user1486131602 · 31/10/2019 21:42

No.
Being from divorced parents and having the back and forth etc, trying to please everyone.
Please just do what right for your child.
Everyone else should shit up and grow up.

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