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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to ask DH not to interrupt bedtime?

58 replies

broceaulys · 31/10/2019 18:46

I’m on mat leave with baby twins and also have a toddler. Most of the time DH doesn’t get home before the kids are in bed but when he does he always comes up to “help” but ends up over-exciting the kids and bedtime takes three times as long. I can’t leave him to it because I’m still BF the babies.

If he comes home and hears that bedtime is underway I would like him to stay downstairs rather than coming up. He thinks I’m “robbing him of a chance to spend time with the children.”

It’s only about 2 nights a week. The rest of the time he misses it entirely.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 31/10/2019 18:47

How does he over excite them?

Zebraaa · 31/10/2019 18:47

Hmm. I think it’s a shame he can’t see the kids before they go to bed so, although I see your frustration, I do think YABU.

maternity123qwe · 31/10/2019 18:48

YABU

Whatsername7 · 31/10/2019 18:49

I think YABU. Must be crap getting home after your kids are in bed most nights. Tell him to put the toddler to bed.

DryHeave · 31/10/2019 18:51

Surely he can take over todDler bedtime entirely? If he does it, the novelty will wear off and it will just be nice bedtime with daddy?

Sirzy · 31/10/2019 18:51

Surely he can have a role in helping settle them? Seems unfair to stop him being involved but he needs to not do things to make them giddy

nocluewhattodoo · 31/10/2019 18:51

On the nights he is home get him to take over with the toddler surely? It's a shame if he never gets to spend time with his DC during the week. Dd has a later bedtime than I would have thought we'd do (8pm at 3 years old) because it means she gets to play with DP when he gets home.

PurpleDaisies · 31/10/2019 18:51

YABU

Anothernotherone · 31/10/2019 18:52

Could he just put the toddler to bed (and handle the consequences solo if he gets the toddler over excited at bedtime) and stay away from the breastfed babies?

Otherwise you need to jointly agree a bedtime routine he can slot into rather than coming bursting in being Disney entertainment dad at bedtime sporadically.

Daffodil2018 · 31/10/2019 18:52

I can sympathise as my DH does this too. I end up repeating "change the tone, change the tone" at him as he wants to do things like throwing DD up in the air to make her laugh or putting on loud music and dancing around with her. Just as I'm trying to get her to wind down for bed!

Can you tell him that he just needs to be a bit calmer and help you keep things chilled? I can understand why he doesn't want to miss out entirely.

7Worfs · 31/10/2019 18:53

YANBU, we have a similar arrangement at home, but DH works form home some days and also he gets to spend each morning with the baby before he heads out.

user1493413286 · 31/10/2019 18:54

My DH does this but to be honest I just go with it as if I wasn’t seeing my DD all day then I’d want to see them when I came home and they were awake.
Could you not just ask him to be calmer so he doesn’t over excite them?

AmbitiouslyFit · 31/10/2019 18:54

Can’t he play with them before he goes to work ? Presuming they wake up very early?

Lazypuppy · 31/10/2019 18:55

Get him to do toddler bedyime while you do babies

Anothernotherone · 31/10/2019 18:56

i.e. if he gets home at bedtime he takes over reading stories, not chasing the toddler around the house pretending to be a monster...

Common sense you'd have thought, but some people are all about an image they have of themselves being seen as fun regardless of what's actually needed in the specific situation.

TheBabyAteMyBrain · 31/10/2019 18:57

YANBU!! I have had the same issue with dh. I know he wants to see the children but him interrupting bed time means a hour + before all the dc can settle. It leaves me frazzled and annoyed and the dc tired the next day. I basically told him if he comes up he takes over and can spend the night trying to settle them instead of me. He stays downstairs now.

I know he wants to see them but there is a time and a place for fun dad and its not when it's bedtime and they need to sleep. I need time off in the evening too, not playing bad cop and running between over tired and over excited children because he wants 5 minutes of fun.

HalyardHitch · 31/10/2019 18:58

Dh is the one that does bed time in this house. Maybe twice a week I get home while he's doing teeth/stories. I sneak in so the boys don't know I'm home as it'll mess up bedtime. Yanbu

Moreisnnogedag · 31/10/2019 19:07

YABU but i say this as the person who gets home late often. My DC both have later bedtimes so that I can at least see them and do bath/bed with them during the weekday. It would be a bit shit if my DH told me to not take part at all (and it would mean I wouldn’t see them for four days straight).

By all means have a conversation about calming it down but the he only wants to spend some time with his children. Does it really matter? Are they up during the night or crabby the next day? If not, and its just in effect efficiency that is hampered, then let it slide.

Phineyj · 31/10/2019 19:12

YANBU. This is your call as the one impacted. You can re-evaluate in 6 months. Or DH can take a day off some time and you can burst in at 7pm and see what happens!

Disfordarkchocolate · 31/10/2019 19:19

Could he take over the toddler?

gamerchick · 31/10/2019 19:19

You can leave him to it and have some you time downstairs and when he's done you can go feed the babies.

I think a couple of times doing it by himself, you'll have proved your point and there will be no more grumping about it.

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 31/10/2019 19:20

Bloody hell. OP has twin newborns and a toddler. She is NBU in the slightest. IMO she would NBU to kill him!!! She has made it through another day. I found it hard-going with one, she has three!. The end is in sight. Everyone is winding down to that blissful moment when child/children are asleep and husband comes in and delays that end in sight by another hour. He is not thinking of the children's good. He is not thinking of his wife's good. He is thinking about himself. There is a time and a place to be fun lively dad. Five minutes to bed-time is not that time. He either helps towards everyone's benefit or he bloody butts out.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/10/2019 19:23

Agree he’s best off spending time with your toddler. The babies don’t care and you can focus on them.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 31/10/2019 19:25

Def not being unreasonable. I had twins without the addition of a toddler ... when you think you’re on the home straight towards a bit of me time and someone fucks that up Angry

mrsmuddlepies · 31/10/2019 19:26

This reminds me of the bit in Motherland where the nanny told the mum not to disturb her when she was doing bedtime and the mum was desperate to see her kids after being out all day.

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