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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to ask DH not to interrupt bedtime?

58 replies

broceaulys · 31/10/2019 18:46

I’m on mat leave with baby twins and also have a toddler. Most of the time DH doesn’t get home before the kids are in bed but when he does he always comes up to “help” but ends up over-exciting the kids and bedtime takes three times as long. I can’t leave him to it because I’m still BF the babies.

If he comes home and hears that bedtime is underway I would like him to stay downstairs rather than coming up. He thinks I’m “robbing him of a chance to spend time with the children.”

It’s only about 2 nights a week. The rest of the time he misses it entirely.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 31/10/2019 19:27

Bloody hell. OP has twin newborns and a toddler.

Well, OP and her DH both have twins and a toddler. He’s at work all day, probably missing all of them, and doesn’t want to be relegated to the downstairs, missing any chance of seeing his small children in the evening. Both parents are doing their bit.

If he came in from work and ignored bedtime and spending time with the DC wouldn’t he he accused of being a shit dad and shirking his responsibility and abandoning his poor exhausted wife

LisaSimpsonsbff · 31/10/2019 19:30

Are they all in the same room? Is that why you can't leave him to it with the toddler?

As the one who sometimes gets home close to bedtime I'd be so, so upset if DH told me not to come in once bedtime routine had started. I do take over entirely if I come home during bedtime, though (our general rule is that whoever has seen him less that day puts DS to bed).

Dyrne · 31/10/2019 19:34

I agree with seeing if there is a compromise. If he comes in to see the children, he stays calm and quiet; and responds to excited children by calming them down and getting them settled.

I can sympathise if he wants to see the children when he can, but also agree that he shouldn’t be getting them all wound up just before bed.

PlanDeRaccordement · 31/10/2019 19:36

Babies are adaptable. If he’s home 2/5ths of the work week, that is actually 4/7 week nights. So he should have a set bedtime role for settling them...songs or stories and mum just substitutes the 3/7 he can’t make it. I think it would BU to purposely exclude him not just for him but for her and the kids in the long run. If he never does any bedtime stuff then mum will be doing it 100% of the time for the next umpteen years. Two years from now she will be a shadow of herself

VanyaHargreeves · 31/10/2019 19:37

How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot ?

Expressedways · 31/10/2019 19:37

Im guessing the overexcitement refers to the toddler not the babies? Tell him that if he comes up then he helps and takes over putting the toddler to bed. If he over excites them then he had to settle them and get them to sleep. Don’t step in because he’s not doing it your way. I see where you are coming from but I don’t think it’s great to tell your spouse that they can’t parent their own children. In turn he needs to act like an adult and stay calm at bedtime. You definitely should be able to find a workable compromise.

Impatienceismyvirtue · 31/10/2019 19:39

My husband misses bedtime with the kids frequently. Yes, bedtime takes longer with him there but I won’t deny him time with his kids. I think YABVU.

araiwa · 31/10/2019 19:42

Bookmark for the inevitable thread later on of op complaining that her dh leaves all the childcare to her

VanyaHargreeves · 31/10/2019 19:45

Imagine being the DH going home looking forward to seeing your DC and helping your wife to be met with :

NO I DON'T WANT YOU HERE, YOU'LL ONLY FUCK IT UP

tunnocksreturns2019 · 31/10/2019 19:48

YABU.

What I would give for DH to be alive to interrupt bedtime.

Agree re toddler time for him and twins for you, and I hear and appreciate you are flipping tired Flowers

Original poster
broceaulys · 31/10/2019 19:50

So it’s partly that he does lively stuff like chasing and dancing and throwing them around but also they have spent most of the day with me so I’m a bit boring and I think they’re looking for any excuse to delay bed time! Babies are now 11mo so not tiny.

He sees us all in the mornings - he doesn’t have to leave until 8.

OP posts:
araiwa · 31/10/2019 19:51

Further thinking about it, this is an incredibly horrible thing to do and i think i would leave anyone who prevented me seeing my kids solely for their convenience. Fuck that abuse.

SpaceDinosaur · 31/10/2019 19:53

@broceaulys talk to him.

Ask him why he wants to overexcite them rather than enjoy warm sleepy cuddles and stories?

I BF my "older" baby (nearly 3 now) but would always make a point of leaving daddy to it and coming back for "boob and bed" I would only come back when baby was calm and ready for a feed.

He soon cottoned on

Autumnfresh · 31/10/2019 19:56

YANotBU. Even if he didn’t play I doubt it would make a difference because it’s a novelty. I send my Dh downstairs as 2 mins chatting is about 2 hours to resettle. Not happening.

museumum · 31/10/2019 19:57

Yabu. Poor guy wants to see his kids.
But you should leave him to it a bit, let him do bath and pjs and stories and just call you for the bfing bit. Or do the bf then leave them with him depending on how/when you do the feeding bit.

GreasyFryUp · 31/10/2019 19:58

You are being selfish. You resent him for not being around at bedtime for the rest of the week and you are wanting to punish him on the evenings he is able to see them.

Talk to him. Get him to time things down a bit.

But stay downstairs? YABU

HB2019 · 31/10/2019 20:01

Oh my god my husband does this. Riles DD 4m up to screaming in delight then hands her over for me to try and get her to sleep.

The noise is interrupted by DH calling out to me: "come and see what the baby's doing! She's so amazing! Look! I love her so much!"

I'm going to live with it until I go back to work then we'll have to work as a team to get her to bed quietly.

Loaf90 · 31/10/2019 20:05

YABVU

Chloemol · 31/10/2019 20:07

Just sit down with him and discuss a plan, ie when he gets home he comes upstairs, says hello to the toddler, reads to him/ her and puts her to bed.

It can’t be nice to be at work all day and then ‘ forbidden’ to see his own children when he gets home, how would you feel? You say it’s two nights, why should he forgo time with them because he is providing for you all

Agree some ground rules so he helps

SimonJT · 31/10/2019 20:10

I have just put my four year old to bed after getting in a bit late due to a halloween party, he was a ninja turtle and stopped any baddies taking over the city.

I only miss bed time about once every three weeks, I’ll miss bed time tomorrow and Saturday night, I have never missed two bedtimes in a row before. I hate missing bedtime, he doesn’t get a cuddle from me and I don’t get one from him. If someone stopped me from being with my son at bedtime I would be very upset.

OP how would you feel if you only have a short time with your children in the morning?

HaveeeeYouMetTed · 31/10/2019 20:11

YABU.

You're choosing for him to miss out on time with his children for your own convenience.

StCharlotte · 31/10/2019 20:19

My dad left for work before i was up and got home from work after I was asleep. Apparently he actually came and woke me up when I was little because he hadn't seen me for days. Which is really sad.

I do understand it must be frustrating but just tell him - sorry ask him - to rein it in a bit. Don't "ban" him though Smile

Preggosaurus9 · 31/10/2019 20:20

YABU for not training him how to do bedtime.

Leave him on his own to settle the toddler. No matter how long it takes. He will soon regret his boisterous twattishness.

Iputtherustedscrewinyoureye · 31/10/2019 20:25

I am a working mum! I get home at 6is so get an hour with my kids. There are times I have to work late. Dp will keep the kids up for a bit of a later night so I can get my cuddles in.
When kids have fallen to sleep on sofa I am gutted! If DP told me I couldn't be a part of the bedtime routine because it doesn't suit him I would be so upset!
They are your dh's kids too! He has been working to provide for you all, at least let him have time with them!
YABVVU!

user159 · 31/10/2019 20:35

I think yabu. Can't you have a chat and say stories and quiet time only? This is what we do as DH hardly ever gets home for bedtime so when he does there is no way I am denying him that joy and cuddle. We have agreed to keep it calm though.. playtime can wait for the morning!

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