To be hiding spending addiction?

[MrsTargaryan]

NC for this but I've been around a while and DH knows my username

Ok, so IABU. I know that. BUT.

I can't help it.

I've unsubscribed from all emails, I try not to go to shops unless I need something specific but I'm constantly shopping. I owe £3k DH knows nothing about and would be very upset with. It's a small portion of our income (less than our salaries per month) but I can't stop.

I've bought all DCs Xmas gifts, DH's xmas gifts, all other stuff but if I'm bored or have some time on my hands I end up shopping. It's such a compulsion and each item I buy I 'covet'. I imagine DC wearing the clothes I pick out or the toys I buy them or using the arts and crafts materials. It can range from £5-100 every single day. I run a very successful business which means multiple daily parcels aren't out of the ordinary so I never get questioned. We have no debt other than this but I have no idea how to stop spending money.

I buy clothes, books, toys, shoes, naice food, tat, gifts, all sorts. There's no rhyme or reason but it's getting to a point where the thrill is getting shorter each time and it's a true addiction. DH knows I've had issues with it before but basically didn't realise HOW bad it was. I have 18 pairs of boots, and bought another because they were so lovely, but they're almost identical to several other pairs.

DC have ALL the 'big' toys, play kitchen, bikes, scooters, Lego, car garage, for DC1's birthday I bought them the entire range of paw patrol cars, they've played with them once?!

How do I stop this and get back in control - anything to help but please be kind. I want to change.

I would talk to your husband.

I had some success at curbing an ebay addiction with self-help books from the library about changing bad habits.

@apacketofcrisps and say what?

I don't want to break down and explain to him how much of a compulsion this is. And he's not with me in the day. My business is run online and everywhere I go online has targeted ads and I fall for the 'special offers' every time

he's your husband. You have a mental health problem. Why would he not support you?

addiction is an illness and not your fault, but doing nothing about it would be your fault. And you would drag him and the kids down with you. Please tell him and get help.

you need professional help and (later) more interesting things in your life than shopping. Good luck with changing - recognising the problem is the first step.

You need therapy. It doesn't need seem like you can stop on your own. You have an addiction and need help. A colleague ended up in rehab for the same addiction after they were caught stealing money from work to pay for their random spending. Needless to say they were sacked. Tell your husband you have a problem and need help. If you are not willing to tell him then you are not willing to give up. You need to think of the effect of the debt on your family - while it is £3k now it could escalate well beyond that. Can you return some of the stuff you bought? Or sell it on if it's too late to return?

Deleting your cookies will stop the targeted ads.

A thread earlier today from a woman in your husband's position was categorically told to leave him. You need to be honest with him before it reaches that point.

Treat paying off your debt as a job in itself. Set yourself a budget, look at savings, make your income work harder.
Or alternatively get a job outside the home that takes up a lot of your time (and ideally nowhere near shops). All the time you're earning you won't be spending.

You need to talk with him and explain what's happening. Then get help.

The longer your keep it to yourself the harder it is to break the cycle.

The fact you're on here asking suggests you know this though and just need some nudging and hand holding to make the right decision

@MrsMaiselsMuff that's the thread that prompted this one. I'm so stressed.

I have a stupidly busy life but even when I'm in bed at night in 'planning' my next purchases.
New Burberry coat? Sure!
Kids need new wellies? Yes!
Dog needs a new collar for Christmas? Absolutely

I get such a Thrill from it!

But you've just admitted the thrill is getting smaller and smaller? Do you want to change? Or if you magically ended up in a position where this sort of spending had no impact in the family or your finances would you still carry it on? If you would then you perhaps are not ready to give it up alone and need to seek help immediately, including from your husband.

I get such a Thrill from it!

Of course you do - you're an addict. You really need to take this seriously and get help. Telling your husband is the first step.

Better to confess than be found out.

And to flip somewheres comment, if your business went under and your husband suddenly lost his job would you simply be able to stop spending the amount you do or shop within your new means? Sounds like you wouldn't. You are an addict. You need to seek help.

everywhere I go online has targeted ads

Step 1, every website you visit select to not store cookies. You should get a pop up to choose.
Step 2, browse online using incognito mode or similar, maybe use a browser that automatically deletes cookies or whatever.

Always delete your browsing histories and cookies after searching for something in case some have slipped through.

This will remove targeted ads and your online experience will change dramatically.

This won't clear your compulsion, for which you should probably seek some professional advice or help but it's a good start and will help.
I'd also advise discussing it with your husband. I'd personally see something like this as a betrayal of my trust and would take it very seriously. I don't know your dynamic with your DH but secrets like this both have a way of coming out and then causing a lot of problems when they do.

I think speak to your dh while your debt is small and can be easily paid off. The bigger it gets, it will be harder to talk to him. You have done the first step by recognizing you have an addiction and asking here for help. But I think you need support in RL too.

I don't want to break down and explain to him how much of a compulsion this is

This is, however, exactly what you need to do. Until you are able to admit that this is a problem, you won't do anything to stop it.

I overspent in my early twenties and only got debt free in times for my thirtieth birthday.

The first thing you need to do is stop hiding it. The more you hide it the worse it will get.

You need to have an honest conversation with your DP.

Go through your DC's toys and list anything they don't play with regularly on Facebook market place. That won't pay off all your debt but it will make you feel like you are doing something positive.

I would consider limiting your social media until you have got this under control.

Continue to buy whatever you want, but return it & get a refund.

I think it would be helpful to redirect some of the money you are spending into paying for a therapist to help you deal with this.

Someone I know did this @MrsTargaryan and has never sought help. Now they owe more than their annual salary and they can't pay it back (close to retirement). They still insist nothing is wrong so ultimately I expect they will lose their house to pay it back.

Well done for recognising you have a problem and wanting to change.

I think you have to tell your husband because, realistically, you need to give up all credit cards which you can't do if you owe money on them. Therefore someone needs to hold them for you whilst you pay back what you currently owe.

It sounds like you've got way too much stuff as well. I'd recommend selling as much as you can - I used to have a minor shopping habit and could never bear to part with anything. Then I read Maria Kondo's book (and moved to a smaller house!) and started getting rid of stuff. Now I take pleasure in a tidy and uncluttered house. It honestly gives me more happiness that the stuff used to. You can use the money to pay back the debt faster.

And please don't ever get a credit card again. I don't have one (and got a mortgage fine without one). If I want to make a big purchase I save up, ask DH to borrow his card and then pay him back immediately.

Oh bless you, I am much the same, a bit more careful now I'm oldish but when younger I was definitely a spending addict and got into all sorts of deep doo doo.

If I was stressed, couldn't sleep or bored I comforted myself by buying things.

Honestly, if you get yourself financially straight now, you won't go there again in a hurry and will feel satisfied that you have finances under control. It's not going to happen overnight but it will happen if you really want it.

@MrsMaiselsMuff are you able to link to that thread please? I’ve tried searching with no luck and it sounds helpful?

Firstly delete your card details from being stored on sites apart from groceries. Secondly lock away your credit card, neither will solve your problem but the less convenient something is the longer time you have to question yourself.

Setting a monthly budget can work, again it's worth trying. Otherwise you are going to have to confess to your husband and consider cutting your cards up and having set housekeeping

Admitting it to yourself is the first step so well done.
The second step is telling your DH. At the moment it's all a secret but if you carry on this will spiral out of control. You need support, you can't do this alone. As hard as it will be you have to tell him. If he is a supportive DH he will want to help as it impacts him too. Like any addiction, the more support you have , the better you can tackle it. Wishing you well