To be hiding spending addiction?

[MrsTargaryan]

NC for this but I've been around a while and DH knows my username

Ok, so IABU. I know that. BUT.

I can't help it.

I've unsubscribed from all emails, I try not to go to shops unless I need something specific but I'm constantly shopping. I owe £3k DH knows nothing about and would be very upset with. It's a small portion of our income (less than our salaries per month) but I can't stop.

I've bought all DCs Xmas gifts, DH's xmas gifts, all other stuff but if I'm bored or have some time on my hands I end up shopping. It's such a compulsion and each item I buy I 'covet'. I imagine DC wearing the clothes I pick out or the toys I buy them or using the arts and crafts materials. It can range from £5-100 every single day. I run a very successful business which means multiple daily parcels aren't out of the ordinary so I never get questioned. We have no debt other than this but I have no idea how to stop spending money.

I buy clothes, books, toys, shoes, naice food, tat, gifts, all sorts. There's no rhyme or reason but it's getting to a point where the thrill is getting shorter each time and it's a true addiction. DH knows I've had issues with it before but basically didn't realise HOW bad it was. I have 18 pairs of boots, and bought another because they were so lovely, but they're almost identical to several other pairs.

DC have ALL the 'big' toys, play kitchen, bikes, scooters, Lego, car garage, for DC1's birthday I bought them the entire range of paw patrol cars, they've played with them once?!

How do I stop this and get back in control - anything to help but please be kind. I want to change.

The first step to getting some help is really speaking to your husband.

I am a bit like you OP, I don’t have a dh and I really have to fight with myself most days not to buy things, I often convince myself that the kids need something or something needs replacing, other days I’m like “fuck it, I could die tomorrow, buy the shoes”. I think for me it’s a way of cheering myself up and filling time. I do have more control than I used to but often get to the “items in my basket” stage before coming to my senses.

The best thing to do is get rid of your credit card. I have had stuff on credit but have now cleared everything and ditched all but one card.

Definitely get help. It’s very difficult to curb addictions yourself and it’s more than just ‘stopping’. You need to figure out why you do this and develop tools to address the compulsive behaviour.

If help is in train and your DH can see you are sincere about tackling the problem he will be more sympathetic.

I truly sympathise and think others have given some great advice but here's the thing. Your DH will in all likelihood already know you are spending too much. Because he sees all the "stuff", and knows (even if you think you hide it well) that you are buying lots more "stuff". Forget the idea that you can hide parcels because of your business - it's the contents that matter. 18 pairs of boots are hard to hide. So is all the stock from the toy shop. And people can't possibly be having birthdays every day! He can tell the difference between "oh that old thing" and the fact that something is patently new.

Now that you can assume he knows already, it's down to the question of why he hasn't brought it up yet. Perhaps he isn't too bothered - you work hard, you have a good joint income, you buy all the family's presents and so that takes a job off him. Or perhaps he is shit scared because he knows it's an addiction and can't work out what to do about it (ostrich syndrome). Or even he thinks you'll work it out for yourself, and when the time's right you'll approach him about it.

Well I think the time is now. It might take a large glass of wine and after the kids are in bed, but you need to do it. As we all know, it's the worry of what might happen which puts us all off doing what we should do - and the reality is often far less stressful, and sometimes a bit of an anti-climax. You know you are ready to quit and you need your DH to help you. I imagine he'll be relieved, and if not relieved, then really grateful that you plucked up the courage before it's too late.

Good luck 🍷🌻

You say I've unsubscribed from all emails, I try not to go to shops unless I need something specific but to be honest these sound like quite half-hearted attempts. If you REALLY want to stop then I think you need to take more drastic action, such as completely curtailing your access to money (eg only having a single card which accesses a joint account so DH can see every purchase - or whatever works in your financial situation).

I don't think you need to be 100% honest with DH about the extent of the problem if you are too embarrassed. But you do need to tell him, so that you can ask him to help you put these measures in place.

If you're not willing to take steps then I think you need to accept the fact that, on some level, you don't want to give up.

Agree with all the advice in disabling cookies for the targeted ads. Have you ever stopped to think how many companies are profiling you if you accept cookies willy nilly without knowing who is harvesting your data?

everywhere I go online has targeted ads and I fall for the 'special offers' every time

Use an Ad Blocker fr all your devices then you won't see them.

Lots of sites detect thead blocker and ask you to disable it, at that point say no and exit the site.

Your kids and your DH don't need all that "stuff" they need a happy Mum and partner who will spend time with them, that's where the fun in life is and the thrills.

Lock your phone in the car, you don't need it. Charge your ipad in the daytime so you're not on it. Lose the tech for a lot of hours in the day then you won't be able to buy crap no-one needs whilst putting yourself into serious debt.

I suggest you google CBT practitioners in your area and find one.
You need professional therapy and CBT can help people like you.

You need help from a professional who can help you stop the emotion / buying loop.

Something is pulling you to buy- some emotional response you crave.

But like all addicts, once you get a fix you are soon onto getting the next one.

You need some serious discussions over what the emotion is you are fulfilling with a purchase . it's clearly not a genuine need for the item, so what is it?

Power? Boredom? Trying to get your kids to love you more?

I dont know but someone will get to the bottom of it with you :)

I used to do the same until I realised I was frittering away my DD's potential savings pot/ university fund. I've now channelled the compulsion into putting money into her accounts, have sold all the tat, and feel better about how I use my family's money. I read a great book called 'The Year of Less' which made me look at 'stuff' and the impulse to buy in a completely new light. I can highly recommend giving it a go (and telling your husband so he's on side if you have a wobble). Good luck!

Why is speaking to the husband the solution?

Being open is the solution @managedmis

I got myself into loads of debt during my mid twenties and I'll be paying back companies through a debt management plan until I'm 34. I've found moving my spending sidewise into fantasy really useful as an outlet. So instead of buying stuff I really don't need on Amazon for £20-30 which was triggering away my paycheck, I now am going 'oooh which house on rightmove would I buy if I was spending £700,000-800000?' Which gives me the same outlet but without actually spending any money.

Also Yes, definitely get it sorted and paid off whilst you 'only' owe £3000. That's easily paid back within a year or even a couple of months if you're really frugal.

*frittering not triggering. Sorry

well I for one have just dashed off to amazon to buy The Year of Less on Kindle!

I'm addicted to overspending so:

I deleted my card details from PayPal & Apple Pay.

I cut up my credit cards.

I've given my debit card to my sensible sister & she gives me a cash allowance each week after my monthly direct debits have been paid.

Perhaps you could go and talk to your doctor and explain how much of an addiction it has become. They might be able to refer you for counselling or to a self-help group.

Is there something missing from your life?

I was brought up with everything second hand or older and was in my teens before I ever had anything new so have tended to buy lots of things as a result. There is also something missing from my life, affection, among other things, my mother was never loving or affectionate, my father was rarely home. I think this is the reason I buy stuff, and knowing the reason makes it easier to curb the shopping.

I also examine everything in great detail before I buy it and find an excuse for it not to be right. Lots of stuff that is bought is also returned for refunds if it is not exactly what I want, although that is more to do with not being sure in the first place.

Try to work out why you need to buy things and see if you can start to reduce it, then reduce it a bit more, and so on.

@DontCallMeShitley, I can really relate to that. While I usually will only buy in the sales, I do think I sometimes spend on things that I shouldn't... and I think to some extent it might be because I never really had new things when I was younger (when I did it was usually chosen by my parents rather than me anyway) and then at uni I had no grant or help from my parents so it was all I could do to afford to eat, never mind clothes or other treats...

@MrsTargaryan, what has really helped me a lot is looking into minimalism, decluttering videos on YouTube, reading Marie Kondo's books, etc... I still wouldn't say I always make the best choices, but doing those things helps keep me inspired and motivated to make the most of what I do have rather than always buying more.

Another idea could be to start keeping a bullet journal with habit tracker, then keeping track of every day that you are able to consciously not spend.

But... if those things don't work, maybe CBT or counseling could help?

One more thing... if you're in debt... and you've already admitted you have things you don't need, but just got a thrill out of buying... maybe you could help pay off some of the debt by doing a Konmari-style declutter but then selling the bits off on ebay rather than just donating them? (If it was just about having too much then selling might be counterproductive, but in your case I think it could be worthwhile, especially if there are things you haven't even worn/used!)

You have made a start. You have admitted to us online and yourself that you have a problem.
A good councillor is what I suggest. ( I use one myself) It is something that you need help with .
Would having a card with a fixed small ammount help ?
I buy kindle reads and keep my spend less than £10 per week .I get a fix and have a limit .
Be kind to yourself

Ask your husband to take your cards away from you and give you a cash allowance to live on - to give you some space to change your ways.
My MIL, who is now 70, has been a spending addict her entire life and her kids hate her for it. She’s burnt through every penny her and her husband have had access to, cashed out the pensions, sold valuable antiques to her own siblings to raise funds, rinsed her inheritance from parents and in-laws, received £40k of PPI because of all of the loans the greedy fool has taken out over the years etc etc etc. They had to sell their home in a hurry a few years ago because it turned out she was in £110k of debt. It’s all gone on little luxuries from John Lewis, trips to Liberties and Harrods thinking she’s something special, art, jewellery, cookware etc etc. We all think she’s pathetic (for this issue alone) and every time it’s clear she’s on a bender, my husband likens it to a recovering-alcoholic parent turning up on your doorstep, wasted, having vomited all over them self.
Take action now before it’s too late.

Thank you all for your support - I'm absolutely identifying with those who's homes are too cluttered, I'm constantly stressed by it. I feel an emotional attachment to a lot of my things and the kids toys, I find it really hard to dispose of the DC's stuff whether it's clothes or toys etc.

I'll try the journal idea and look into kondo again, it just feels... overwhelming

I think you need to wise up TBH. Of course ads follow you, they're designed to make you spend!

You're an adult with what sounds like a good income - you should have £1000s of savings, not debt!

OP, well done for coming back to thread. I realise that must be difficult for you as it's part of facing up to your addiction.

It's also great that you've identified a couple of ideas that may help you tackle this problem.

However, just to point out that the ideas you've picked up on are two of the milder, easier suggestions made. You've got to start somewhere, but if you are really serious about addressing this, some of the more drastic ideas may be necessary.

You need professional help see your GP ASAP
Tell your OH ASAP
There are groups you can go to in real life and on line
Trauma and loss are the main triggers of this addiction so a therapist can get to the bottom of this
Also your business may need to change, in the same way an alcoholic can’t work in a pub you can’t be online receiving packages

An addiction is an addiction you have taken the most important step. You say it’s boredom try to keep occupied. But ultimately you will need help. Tell you husband he might surprise you.