To be hiding spending addiction?

[MrsTargaryan]

NC for this but I've been around a while and DH knows my username

Ok, so IABU. I know that. BUT.

I can't help it.

I've unsubscribed from all emails, I try not to go to shops unless I need something specific but I'm constantly shopping. I owe £3k DH knows nothing about and would be very upset with. It's a small portion of our income (less than our salaries per month) but I can't stop.

I've bought all DCs Xmas gifts, DH's xmas gifts, all other stuff but if I'm bored or have some time on my hands I end up shopping. It's such a compulsion and each item I buy I 'covet'. I imagine DC wearing the clothes I pick out or the toys I buy them or using the arts and crafts materials. It can range from £5-100 every single day. I run a very successful business which means multiple daily parcels aren't out of the ordinary so I never get questioned. We have no debt other than this but I have no idea how to stop spending money.

I buy clothes, books, toys, shoes, naice food, tat, gifts, all sorts. There's no rhyme or reason but it's getting to a point where the thrill is getting shorter each time and it's a true addiction. DH knows I've had issues with it before but basically didn't realise HOW bad it was. I have 18 pairs of boots, and bought another because they were so lovely, but they're almost identical to several other pairs.

DC have ALL the 'big' toys, play kitchen, bikes, scooters, Lego, car garage, for DC1's birthday I bought them the entire range of paw patrol cars, they've played with them once?!

How do I stop this and get back in control - anything to help but please be kind. I want to change.

I think this sounds like all addictions OP. It starts off as a thrill, which you keep chasing. Then the thrill gets smaller, so you chase it harder. And you get in deeper. Until there’s no thrill left, but now you can’t stop and eventually it consumes you.

My advice would be:

Let it out into the open air and expose it to the sunlight. Stop scrabbling around in the dark trying to hide it. Tell your husband, a friend, a therapist.

Read about addiction. Learn about the underlying brain chemistry that drives it, and understand why you are stuck in what you can now recognise as a self-destructive cycle of behaviour.

Get to a therapist to identify what is lacking or missing or absent: what hole are you trying to fill or cover up with all that «stuff» ?

You have an incline for obsessive behaviour and a need for a thrill. You get bored easily, The one area where this can be a benefit is sport. Sign up to your local gym, join a club, take up running etc...whatever is going to get your heart rate up to a max.

You'll get the thrill after you've pushed yourself and the endorphins afterwards. You'll get healthier getting the same, if not a better thrill than spending.

I think you should talk to your husband too.
Could you have a big clear out and sell loads to try and pay some back? I actually quite like selling stuff so you might too?
Could you give yourself a budget to work to that's realistic?

OP, my mum was like this and you wouldn’t believe the stress it caused her near the end of her life trying to deal with all the borrowing (which had turned into remortgaging, to the point she was a year short of the end of her interest only mortgage and having to sell the house when she got terminal cancer and her life insurance paid out).

I picked up a bit of a spending thing from her and the only way it stopped was going cold turkey. I had no credit or debit card for a year, just as basic cash account with a cashpoint card. Not sure how feasible that would be these days to be honest.

Definitely delete cookies, get an ad blocker, seek some help. Sell off the things you don’t need. I now get a thrill from clearing things out, making money from selling things (I accumulated so much stuff before we moved that I made over £2k selling things on eBay - you could probably pay off most of your debt by selling the things you don’t actually need, especially if barely used and expensive). I am also now an expert bargain hunter and buy whatever I can second hand, for a lot less money. If I actually need something I put my energy into finding the best deal I can, which I enjoy and makes me feel better - but to be honest I now seriously consider whether I do need something before buying it, and often feel bad about spending money.

Hi op.

I went through a stage of spending too much on-line when I was adjusting to being an expat before I became properly integrated and I was adjusting to my DH travelling constantly. It was a sign of boredom and sadness (leaving family etc). I was never in debt but the resultant clutter did get me down. And like you, I mainly bought toys and children's clothes and presents. So you need to get to the bottom of why you love it so much.

The best way I found of stopping was starting to "shop virtually" ie still "shop" and choose everything you would normally and put it in the website basket. However, do NOT pay for it immediately. Make yourself wait a week to ten days before you go back to the basket - it gets easier the longer you leave it - and I promise you that at least half the stuff won't appeal to you any more. So delete the items that you no longer want, and then leave the basket for another week or so, and so on. This teaches you to delay the instant gratification which is at the crux of this problem and gives you that happy "hit". Once you have control over that, you are away!

The other thing that helped me was starting to declutter (Flylady) and I began selling my dd's old clothes twice a year. They were good quality and had never been tumble dried and I used to make around Euros 250 each time. Once I had that money in my hand which was quite hard won (the sales took a lot of effort and hard work) I didn't want to spend it on more excess and I either saved it, or used it to spend on necessities for Christmas.

The other thing that helps is to do something creative or active like gardening or painting or horse-riding which plugs that emotional gap (although all of those are opportunities to spend more if you are not careful) although the main point is to redirect your energies elsewhere.

Good luck op!

You can get apps that block certain websites between certain hours of the day - that can help if you are working from home.