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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by being told to f*** off by my dp?

55 replies

Kaylasmum49 · 31/10/2019 10:18

My relationship with my dp is extremely rocky, we argue a lot. Sometimes about petty things but also about more serious issues. Nearly every time at some point in the arguement he tells me to f* off. It upsets me and i've told him this but still he does it! Am I being pathetic to get upset over this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 31/10/2019 11:01

Any thoughts on this?

OP posts:
Winterdaysarehere · 31/10/2019 11:03

Get off mn and get packing his stuff....

ThreeLittleDots · 31/10/2019 11:04

Am I being pathetic to get upset over this

No, it's emotional abuse.

Shannith · 31/10/2019 11:05

Do you really have to ask?

QueenofmyPrinces · 31/10/2019 11:06

You are not unreasonable at all.

Me and DH have been together for 9 years and only once in that time did he tell me to fuck off (during an argument) and it really hurt and I still hate thinking about it.

I’ve never uttered those words to him, and apart from that one occasion (which was 5 years ago) he’s never said it again.

I think it’s a really awful thing to say to your partner (well anyone really) and YANBU at allFlowers

MyKingdomForBrie · 31/10/2019 11:08

I would struggle with once incidence of this, let alone repeatedly. He needs to stop it or I'd consider leaving.

AryaStarkWolf · 31/10/2019 11:11

Yeah I would be upset about this but also, why is your relationship so rocky and argumentative, are you tackling that? Is it even a relationship worth saving?

Hont1986 · 31/10/2019 11:13

Depends on the details really. If my partner kept starting arguments over petty things then I think I would also tell him to fuck off tbh.

BIWitch · 31/10/2019 11:13

No YANBU to be upset about this - it's abusive. Why would you stay with a man who talks to you like this, especially if your relationship is rocky. What are you getting out of it? Leave him and find someone who you deserve, who will treat you better.

YABU though to use asterisks! We can swear freely on MN - so all the fucks you like! (Starting with telling your DP that he can fuck off!)

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 31/10/2019 11:34

Its absolutely horrible that he speaks to you like that
but.
Is he in denial?. can't deal with anything difficult and just resorts to this?
Do you pick the best time to discuss things and try to talk about it in a logical way or do you just get upset and angry as you try to discuss it. Are either of you really listening to each other?
Are you getting more and more angry as you try to talk to him and it all gets too heated?
I'm not saying this is what happens or that any of this is your fault. But Rather than just accepting it and fucking off.. make him go to marriage guidance and they can talk him through why that is always his go to response whenever he reaches a stage in a disagreement where he just can't handle it and maybe that might give him some insight into how he could deal with it differently. Then at least you'd get him to explain himself, unless he also tells the MG to fuck off.

Because other than that you are stuck with someone who isn't listening to you and tells you to fuck off when you try to discuss anything difficult and that is probably not going to get easier as time goes by. Best of luck.

TwistedAnkle · 31/10/2019 12:09

Of course it's upsetting but before you call it abuse it might be helpful to consider the intention behind it. If his intention is to belittle you or stop you expressing yourself then that is clearly unacceptable. However if for example it's said as an expression of frustration and inability to make himself heard or feeling unheard then it's another thing entirely. Have you tried asking him in a calm separate moment what's going on for him when he says it?

TwistedAnkle · 31/10/2019 12:11

Should have added that it sounds like you could both learn some better communication skills if you end up arguing so much. Some relationship counselling?

TheDarkPassenger · 31/10/2019 13:58

This wpukdnt really bother me but I couldn’t be arsed fighting
All the tome

TheDarkPassenger · 31/10/2019 13:58

God sorry I’m not drunk I promise. My arthritic hands are suffering today and usually autocorrect helps me. Clearly has given uo

Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 31/10/2019 15:39

Thanks for the replies.

We've been together for 18 years and have 2 kids together, dd 16 and ds 12. I also have 3 other adult children from a previous marriage. Maybe it's my fault, he says i'm a nag. I do nag him because it's the only way I can get any help in the house. I work 22 hours a week in two jobs, do about 80% of the housework, childcare, cooking etc. I get really fed up that he just won't help enough.

He has a quick temper and has been to anger management a couple of times over the years. I don't think we should be together tbh.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 31/10/2019 15:45

Oh yes "nag" what a fantastic word men invented to try and put women down and shirk their responsibilities. Him doing his fair share in his own home isn't "helping" you out OP. He sounds awful

Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 31/10/2019 16:23

I try to talk calmly and civily but he ends up sighing and acting like he's having such a tough time. He has 4 pairs of dirty work jeans (he's a gardener) sitting on our shoe rack, I asked him three days ago to sort them out, he said he would! I mentioned it to him last night and he told me he was wearing them. Then when I said I wanted them moved he told me to fuck off.

Really don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 31/10/2019 16:28

My ex DH regularly used to tell me to fuck off and I told him one day that one day I actually would. He carried on saying it so I did fuck off, and I never went back. it's soul destroying, and not the way to talk to someone you are supposed to love.

BIWitch · 31/10/2019 16:30

@Kaylasmum49

Really don't know what to do for the best

You kick him out. That's what's for the best.

If he's already been to anger management more than once, it's either a) not working or b) he chooses to treat you/talk to you like this.

You don't need a man like this in your lives. And, in many ways more importantly, your children don't need to see you being treated like this by a man.

HollowTalk · 31/10/2019 16:31

If you had a daughter that this was happening to, what would you tell her?

LochJessMonster · 31/10/2019 16:34

Depends on the details really. If my partner kept starting arguments over petty things then I think I would also tell him to fuck off tbh.

However if for example it's said as an expression of frustration

This.
Entirely depends on context

Shoxfordian · 31/10/2019 16:40

He sounds like a knob

You know you're not happy op, you do know what to do

BIWitch · 31/10/2019 16:41

Hmm. Not sure it's enough of an excuse that he might be 'frustrated'. He's already had anger management counselling, which should mean he's been given/developed techniques and strategies for dealing with mere 'frustration'. More that he's a nasty, abusive person.

I'm a bit Hmm that people are minimising what he's doing here

squirrelspatchcock · 31/10/2019 16:59

I don't have that many arguments with my husband, but to be honest, if we have a row we quite often tell each other to fuck off in the heat of the moment. I don't think either of us take too much offense.

However, YANBU OP, as you have told him how much it upsets you and he still does it. That is worse than the words 'fuck off' in my opinion.

CatonNZ · 31/10/2019 17:02

@BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack Amen to that! Love doesn't hurt. All abuse starts with psychological/emotional abuse. Words. Then continues from there. You are being abused. Your partner has a personal problem with his behaviour - and despite having anger management - his problem isn't 'fixed'. His behaviour is immature, disrespectful and not picking up after yourself is something children - and teenagers do - not grown men. Picking up dirty clothes left on the floor - may be ok if you live on your own (despite it being a filthy habit) but when you are in the company of others - not acceptable. The way he is abusive in order to "shut you up" is not acceptable. You sound unhappy and in need of help. I would seriously consider leaving. His disrespect of you indicates he does not value you or your relationship. Best of luck