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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset by being told to f*** off by my dp?

55 replies

Kaylasmum49 · 31/10/2019 10:18

My relationship with my dp is extremely rocky, we argue a lot. Sometimes about petty things but also about more serious issues. Nearly every time at some point in the arguement he tells me to f* off. It upsets me and i've told him this but still he does it! Am I being pathetic to get upset over this?

OP posts:

CatonNZ · 31/10/2019 17:03

apologies @BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack!!

The rest was for OP!

CatonNZ · 31/10/2019 17:04

@Kaylasmum49 Love doesn't hurt. All abuse starts with psychological/emotional abuse. Words. Then continues from there. You are being abused. Your partner has a personal problem with his behaviour - and despite having anger management - his problem isn't 'fixed'. His behaviour is immature, disrespectful and not picking up after yourself is something children - and teenagers do - not grown men. Picking up dirty clothes left on the floor - may be ok if you live on your own (despite it being a filthy habit) but when you are in the company of others - not acceptable. The way he is abusive in order to "shut you up" is not acceptable. You sound unhappy and in need of help. I would seriously consider leaving. His disrespect of you indicates he does not value you or your relationship. Best of luck

Baboomtsk · 31/10/2019 17:42

I don't think you're being pathetic but it's hard to know how to take this without some more context. I've certainly heard worse in the best of the moment without any lasting damage. I'm more concerned about the fact that you argue so frequently.

What's at the root of this?

Also curious as to how many hours your husband works? You say you do 22 hours and 80% of the housework. If your husband works around 40 hours a week then I don't think it's unreasonable for you to do about 75% of the housework.

Motoko · 31/10/2019 18:42

I don't think we should be together tbh.

You're right, you shouldn't be together. If a relationship is "rocky", then it should be ended, because it means it's the wrong relationship. There's no point in flogging a dead horse, and it's not fair on the children to have to live in it.

He has no respect for you, so have some respect for yourself, and your children, and end it. It will be the best thing you can do.

Wheat2Harvest · 31/10/2019 19:01

You admit you argue a lot.

Have you ever told him to eff off? Or made any objectionable comment to him? Ever?

Because if you consider what he says to be emotional abuse, if you have done the same then you are guilty of it too.

Wildorchidz · 31/10/2019 19:11

You should not be together. You - both of you - are doing serious harm to your children. Do either of you care enough about them to make the decision to separate. They must hate living like this.

Original poster

Kaylasmum49 · 31/10/2019 20:53

Wheat2Harvest

I've never been one to be verbally abusive until I met my dp and if he swears at me I will retaliate. I rarely if ever insult him verbally without him having done it first. I never said it was emotional abuse, other people did.

Baboomtsk

I don't particularly like being sworn at and as I said I find it upsetting to be told to fuck off. It's more the fact that i've told him how it makes me feel and he can't or won't respect my wishes on it.

As far as how much he does in the house is concerned, I cook all the meals, clean the house, wash the clothes, do the shopping, deal with the dc's. My 12 yo ds is being assessed for autism and has severe anxiety and has issues surrounding school. We've lived in this house for 16 years, he's cleaned the bathroom maybe 5 times maximum. He's a hoarder and hates me throwing anything out. He has been verbally abusive a lot over the years, he once told me to (go and lie in my own pish!) He has punched holes in walls, driven erratically if we have a disagreement in the car and many other things.

I don't know how to manage financially on my own.

OP posts:

Motoko · 01/11/2019 01:15

You'll have to learn. Speak to Women's Aid.

If your 12 year old has anxiety, it's probably been brought on by his dad punching holes in walls.

Josette77 · 01/11/2019 01:18

You say you work 22 hours a week? Can you start working full time? This sounds very very unhealthy. I think you need to split up now. The damage being done to the kids isn't fair. You both are the adults. Him being an abusive ass is bad enough, but on top of it you say you retaliate. Neither of you are behaving like adults.

BIWitch · 01/11/2019 08:27

@Kaylasmum49

I don't know how to manage financially on my own

Seriously, please, go and talk to someone who can help you work something out - this man is not someone you need in your life - and will not be helping your DC's anxiety.

ShatnersWig · 01/11/2019 08:47

I don't think we should be together tbh

It's taken you 18 years to realise this?

Always amazes me when I see so many people on MN say "we row all the time" as if it's perfectly normal and natural. Why on earth would you stay in a situation where you keep arguing and disrespecting each other? Don't get it. My ex and I never once swore at each other and only ever raised voices to each other once in 11 years.

Motoko · 01/11/2019 11:44

I agree @ShatnersWig. So many people think it's normal. Probably saw it growing up with their own parents. Then you get people saying it's not normal to NOT argue with your partner, and imply that there's something wrong with your relationship if you don't. They don't understand that it doesn't mean you never have disagreements. A good relationship means you can discuss them, with respect for each other.

Original poster

Kaylasmum49 · 01/11/2019 11:55

Ok, I feel the need to defend myself here. I do know that its not normal to be arguing all the time, and my parents did argue when I was a child and eventually split up when I was 9 year old, I was devastated when they split. It took me years to come to terms with it.

I have been applying for jobs for months now but it's made difficult for me because my ds has major problems with school attendance and can't cope with leaving me to go to school so atm I am going into school with him every morning and spending a couple of hours in the support base with him. It's very difficult to fit full time working into that.

I know our relationship is harmful and we have tried to access couple counselling but the waiting lists are huge.

OP posts:

BIWitch · 01/11/2019 11:59

I don't think you need to defend yourself @Kaylasmum49. You obviously have a difficult situation - but you need proper advice about how you can access finances so that you can separate yourself from this man, and also the toxic, dysfunctional atmosphere that you (and your DC) are living in.

theWarOnPeace · 01/11/2019 12:07

But you’re on the waiting list for counselling with an abusive man? That’s not recommended at all, I mean it’s not recommended to go to couples counselling with an abuser.

People do throw the word ‘abusive’ around a lot these days, but there’s no doubt that your husband is abusive. Punching holes in walls?? No wonder your DS has crippling anxiety, look what he’s living with!

Him telling you to fuck off is a red herring. It’s all about context, the context here is that your husband is an abusive pig. You need to work on breaking away for your children’s sakes. You’re worrying about hurting them because you were hurt by your parents’ divorce, but there are ways of managing the pain and upset that they will feel. Nothing can be worse than giving them this example of a man, surely?

bookwormsforever · 01/11/2019 12:42

Don't go for counselling with him. He's abusive.

I actually think the housework split is ok, if you're only working 22 hours a week. Asssuming he works 40 hours, do you spend 18 hours on housework? Probably not.

But how he speaks to you is completely disrespectful and inapproriate and damaging - to your dc as well.

Doesn't sound like he's going to change, and your whole relationship sounds toxic. I suggest you focus your energy on getting away from him. Google is your friend. Google what benefits you'd be entitled to as a single parent. What CM would he pay? Could you increase your hours to FT?

Ring Women's Aid or see a solicitor. Do you have savings that would pay for a rental property? Can you borrow money from family?

Motoko · 01/11/2019 13:04

There are ways and means to leave a relationship. Stop making excuses, and take the advice that's been offered to you.

Many women have left relationships with only the clothes on their backs, but there is help out there for those suffering domestic abuse. You just have to get on with it, and cross each bridge as you come to it.

No-one's saying it will be easy, but it WILL be worth it in the end, and your children will benefit from it. DS must be terrified, that's why you have to spend time with him at school.

Ring Women's Aid. Today.

Milsplus3 · 01/11/2019 13:21

He has no respect for you I would be packing his bags today

Toooldfornonsense · 01/11/2019 13:34

@Kaylasmum49 I’m really sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I think you said it all in a previous reply when you said you shouldn’t be with your OH.

What other accessible help is around particularly for your DS? You’re obviously a caring mother and help him to settle into school but staying for 2hrs every morning is not helping him or you to get settled. What have the school suggested (if anything about this). I understand for now it calms him and you but you can’t do this for him forever. There will come a time when he goes out into the world and can’t take his mum to settle him in. I apologise if you think I’m sounding harsh (I don’t want to come across like this as it’s not my intention).

As for coping financially on your own, have you got large outgoings due to debts or is this in relation to general living costs? Thee are lots of things you can do now, particularly concerning personal debt that can help. I work in this area so can point you in the right direction if this is a concern

FizzyIce · 01/11/2019 13:38

Really?? People are so black and white you’d end the marriage because he told you to fuck off ?!
Dh and I don’t argue much now but sure I’ve told him to fuck off when I’ve had enough of the to and fro and so has he!
It’s not abuse ffs, we love each other and we swear a lot .. it’s just how it is

Vampyress · 01/11/2019 13:44

I can't deny having said and recieved a f**k off in the heat of the argument albeit very very rarely, however the context in which he has said it is contemptuous and unacceptable. It says a great deal about how he regards you.

Motoko · 01/11/2019 14:27

Really?? People are so black and white you’d end the marriage because he told you to fuck off

Don't be so obtuse. It's because it's a pattern of behaviour, that is abusive.

theWarOnPeace · 01/11/2019 14:34

Really?? People are so black and white you’d end the marriage because he told you to fuck off ?!

And are you so black and white that you’ve decided it’s all fine, despite the OP’s updates about him punching holes in walls and driving erratically while she’s in the car to frighten her? Is that really ok? Her son has horrendous anxiety and school refusal, so OP has to go in with him every morning for hours, plus does 22hrs on top of that but her DH does nothing - is that really ok? Ffs the shit people put up with always astonishes me, but to encourage other people to grin and bear it??

FizzyIce · 01/11/2019 14:44

I read the first couple of comments straight after her original post and both said to leave!
That was before any of the other follow ups ..

BIWI · 02/11/2019 08:32

... so how did you miss the OP's very first sentence? Obviously this is more than just a bit of swearing.

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