To ask when you became ok with being unattractive?

[Mysteriocheerios]

I'm 31. I'm not hideous, not beautiful, not 'hot', but not plain. I feel like I spend a lot of my time being ok with it but every now and again I feel down about my looks. Today we went out for the day and someone took some photos. It just makes me sad, that I look like that. I'm overweight, I never have any time or money to spend on my appearance. Honestly I don't worry about it 80% of the time but just sometimes it upsets me.
My friends are nearly all very attractive and sometimes it gets depressing to read all the 'looking hot' comments and mine are just 'you're so funny' or 'you're always so happy.' One particularly beautiful friend commented the other day that 'it must be so great to just not care so much, to not have any anxiety about the way you look.' Except I do. I really do.
When do you become secure with not being a looker? I just want Kathy Burke confidence.

I just fill my life with other things. I get most of my sense of achievement from work, where nobody cares what I look like, and then sports and exercise give me confidence in what my body can do, as opposed to what I look like.

I did have a bit of a wobble when I had DS, as he is absolutely beautiful (objectively so, he looks like a little cherub with curly strawberry blond hair, big blue eyes and dimples). I feel bad for him having such an odd-looking mother. And I do look weird, a bit like this girl but older, with curly red hair. But there's not much I can do about it so I'll have to get over it.

Over the years I have realised that I am only getting older and it is all downhill with the looks.

In my early 20s I would not go out or wear certain clothes until I had lost a little weight or got a nice dress. It is depressing to think of all the experiences I have missed out on by hiding away and waiting to look a certain way. I look back at how thin and healthy I looked and can't believe how insecure I was (bad relationship).

I suppose my point is that you have your lot. Make the most of it and screw what anyone else thinks or your whole life will just pass you by.

When I realised I looked like my mother - who at 78 is fabulous for her age, beautiful salt n pepper hair, looks ten years younger etc. Only I am 50z
And look like she does at 78

@Sashkin she is beautiful, I would kill for red curly hair!

Sorry I replied as if 'when I became unhappy' . It's a double edged sword

Sashkin that girl is beautiful

I think you must have your eyes in backwards!

As a teen and until I became a mum I was generally told I was very pretty and had a fair bit of attention from various men. I never felt particularly pretty when j looked in the mirror but people would invariably say I was.

Everything went downhill looks wise when I became a mum - thinning hair, changed figure, and just generally looking older and tired! I don’t get many looks anymore and I’m only 34! I also don’t make much effort due to being time poor.

I think I’m ok with it because my looks don’t matter much to my self worth - I have a kind loving husband, friends who definitely don’t care about my appearance (I don’t hang about with models) and my work doesn’t rely on my looks as long as I’m professionally dressed. even if I got attention from men now I wouldn’t be interested, I don’t miss the creepy men on the street and my friends and I rarely discuss appearance as there is so much more interesting stuff to discuss.

I guess I just don’t feel like I’m missing out On anything because of my less attractive appearance.

I've always been a fat shortarse so I've never really been attractive anyway 🤷‍♀️

Beauty fades , dumb is forever . - Judge Judy lol don't feel sad, there is much more important things, like if you're a decent person.. it's up to you though , you can make changes any day if you really really want to. . But as you said yourself it's not all the time you feel like this. Also beauty is in the eye of the beholder , you might think your friends are hot .. I may not ..

I'm absolutely sure you're not unattractive. I always see pictures of me and hate them, to the point of not allowing them to be taken.

The truth is (and yes, I know it sounds like something someone says to make you feel better, but actually it's not) the only thing that matters is what sort of a person you are.

I've met some really attractive people, and like us all, you meet some who are also attractive inside, and some who are absolutely awful.

The truth is, I'd rather be considered unattractive on the outside and be a nice person, than feel like a model and spend my time in this world being a horrible person.

Don't be upset about how you look. Only ever be upset about how you might behave (which is in your control).

Also may I add , I was a model , suppose to be considered "attractive," . Let me tell you something, there is so many different things that can be considered as attractive, I use to compare myself to others who modelled along side me and think " I have nothing they've got" . I thought I was worse off, but no, honestly it just depends on a person's perspective of what attractive is... Please stop being so hard on yourself.

I've never been pretty, always overweight, always plain. I like to think I have a certain something, but I think that's just me trying to make myself feel better

However, I've had several long term relationships including a marriage, loads of hot sex, and my partner tells me I'm beautiful. That's all I'm bothered about really!

I am sure you are not unattractive, life gets on top of all of us.
I think we feel ok the majority of the time in our comfort zone. I only do makeup going to work I'm sure DP notices it.
Take some time for yourself even an hour, right now my nails are chipped, eyebrows over grown, I've just been feeling my chin spikes, it happens to us all.
Attractive is not what you think, a smile fun personality is priceless.
Be nice to yourself.
When I am in a good frame of mind I say I'll do 5 times a week, not that much really but it is a bit of time, my 5 things are nails, eyebrows, lady tash, face pack, hair pack it is over the week and makes me feel good.
Mind you I have not took that time to myself in over a month. It's shit.

5 thing's not 5 times .

That was a bit of a shit thing your "friend" said! "It must be great to not care about the way you look"?! Geez, talk about a backhanded compliment! Maybe not hanging out with that particular friend would help.

I wonder if she meant that you are so confident in yourself that you don’t need to worry overly much about the artificial things we do to make ourselves attractive?

I’ve been considered, not pretty exactly, but attractive in my own way. Except all I see are my flaws and think I look dreadful in photos. A friend the other day said I always look great in pics 🤷🏽‍♀️. We are our own worse critic, if you’re happy in your own skin, you’re already winning

that say more about them than you hun.it really does.and it says more about our culture vision of beauty too!
who says overweight isnt beauty
who says plain isnt
who says thin is
who says what is attractive.
what has given you your line of pretty or beliefs in whats attractive...diet culture?modern life?celebrity looks?magaines?media?immature men?deseased modern culture who really has set in stone this vision of beauty people see.who says it isnt you?
believe in your own beauty.the bits that make up you be it from your soul and heart to your little ears or big toe nails they make up every movement you make but your body is the vehicle of all the other things yo uare and do.it is the skin to the whole of you and that whole comes from the smile.the humour,the fun,the love you are and give.
i think your beautiful.so tough shit.
go an show it.
go and feel it.
for all those that say or think you arent
screw em.
they dont know what beauty is.noone does.
it isnt a thing.its not somethign you can pin point
the most beautiful people can look really fucking ugly beause they are psiteful cruel sods.
the most unaccepted looking people can just shine something lvoely because they are from their hearts.they truly give off somthing gorgeous.
it takes something more than what is percieved as beauty
you are.beieve it.
and i know thatsounds all luvvy and soppy and blah blah sickening.but what if its true.what if you could feel bloody good enough and it could make all the difference.

Ha! I think the lady in the picture is beautiful! All shiny eyes and enthusiasm. If you are anything like her you are beautiful indeed. Flowers

I agree with @1300cakes. That was a really stupid thing to say or unpleasant if it was meant to be a dig.

You obviously are attractive, but are comparing yourself to a group of (what sounds like) very image-conscious friends. Good looks are only a part of attractiveness - personality, confidence, intelligence and soh are a big part too.

I was considered attractive in my 20s/30s but, as I am now in my early 50s, I have become invisible. I am not particularly that bothered but would like the Kathy Burke/Jo Brand confidence too!

What I do find depressing is the current importance placed on womens' looks (I'd hate to be a teenager today). It all seems to me a bit Benny Hill. Other qualities aren't deemed as important. Feminism/female empowerment seems to take one step forward and two steps back. But I just carry on in my own sweet way!

My advice OP is don't compare yourself to your friends (or anyone else), remember that you are probably the most critical about yourself (give yourself a break), everyone has bad days but we don't usually see them (including your "attractive" friends) and to think about the good/positive things in your life and be thankful.

I never have any time or money to spend on my appearance

How about spending a little time making yourself feel good? Doing something nice for yourself most days. Small things like a bubble bath with candles, a cheap/homemade facemask, home manicure, or whatever floats your boat! May sound daft but little things like that do make a difference because you are prioritising yourself.

It was more realising that I am attractive - enough. I'm ok. I don't have to be the most beautiful or compete with anyone.

My fuck it time has come in my late 40’s. Having had major surgeries and being chronically ill / disabled makes me look shit. But to a certain extent this is helping me with not caring so much because I just can’t - I struggle to anything basic like feed myself some days so clothes and makeup are way down there. I hate being so fat though. This is what disability has made of me. I used to be pretty.

I’ve felt ugly for as long as I can remember. If anything,it’s got worse with age (now 46). I can’t have mirrors in my house or look at any kind of reflection

Only a few people get really objectively, universally beautiful features and even they have to work at a perfect figure. I have noticed, however, that what makes most individuals attractive is the life and confidence shining from their faces.

I noticed, when teaching, that top set children were almost always attractive because of their sense of worth whether they were good looking in a conventional sense or not and whether they were extroverted or introverted. Some were overweight, some dressed badly, some were unfashionable and so on - but they were popular and projected attraction.

Strangely, pupils in the sets at the other end of the academic spectrum were often handsome by nature in that they had good features, skin and hair but did not seem so attractive because of the personalities and difficulties in life they were projecting.

I am nearly six years older than my DS and it clear that, on the whole, she got the looks and I got the brains.She is by no means dim and I am by no means fugly but, on the whole, that is how the fairy godmother divided the spoils. I find I can make up for it, ( even though I am the quieter one) by projecting confidence. I also watch my weight, dress smartly, always have my hair sorted and do my ‘best’ pose in photos so I am not caught out.

I married a man who inherited a tendency to be overweight from his mother’s family who were all huge. He is a little chubby and my children are both very overweight. However, they are all very clever and do not care what others think. They have both got many friends and I really do not think they give a damn what anyone else thinks about their looks.

I have known beautiful people and beauty can be a burden. Some beauties think of nothing but their own looks and are utterly dull, others worry constantly about losing their looks with age, others have a false view of the world because they have nothing but positivity shown towards their looks, not them as people. They feel like empty fakes.

OP, I would seriously try to forget about the looks trap and throw yourself into life unselfconsciously. I know life has dealt me a bad hand when I look in the mirror and a Jennifer Aniston does not look out but I just get on with it. I do not look like the back of a bus and people still talk to me.

My horrible personality - now that’s a different matter.