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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be saying no every day

84 replies

Thetirednessisreal · 30/10/2019 09:16

35 weeks pregnant with twins I am huge.

DP is making me feel really bad as we haven’t had sex in three weeks. He wanted To last night but I was too tired and sore so he got another form of relief from me...

I finished work last week this week DS 6 is off school so 630am wake up calls. I’m apparently getting a lie in now as DP is up playing fifa yet DS is in bed with me playing with his cars. I could cry with the pain in my back but DP says he ha gave me too many back massages this pregnancy so no more...he has already started this morning about having sex tonight but I already know I don’t want too he is saying it’ll help move the babies along as he is fed up with this pregnancy!

I am going to say no again but he is making me feel so guilty about it there’s no point talking to him as he just thinks I’m a drama queen. Is no sex from this stage normal?!

OP posts:
CatsOnCatnip · 30/10/2019 10:34

@QueenWhatevs that summary made me gag. But so true.

DisneyMadeMeDoIt · 30/10/2019 10:42

Oh OP 💐 this makes me SO sad for you!

The way your DP is behaving is disgusting - for context I’m 18+2 (haven't had a good pregnancy so far HG, cramps and recurring thrush!) and not ONCE has DH asked for, tried to initiate or made me feel bad about sex. We’ve DTD maybe 5 times in that 18 weeks and only when I’ve gone to him! (He’s very eager when I do so know it’s not lack of desire on his part).

Tbh I’ve even initiated on a few occasions and then had to stop due to soreness/cramps and DH has taken it like a champ. Politely refused my offer to ‘help him’ and offered cuddles/rubs.

^ this is how a man should behave when you’re carrying his child (my DH isn’t perfect but he’s good in this regard!)
If you aren’t being given this level of respect OP I would be considering your options.
You deserve 💯 respect and should NEVER in ANY situation (but especially whilst pregnant and vulnerable) be made to feel bad for not offering sexual contact

slipperywhensparticus · 30/10/2019 10:46

Backache? Are you in slow labour or spd?

diddl · 30/10/2019 10:47

He's horrible, isn't he?

He's fed up with the pregnancy?

Doubtless it won't be long before he's fed up with the babiesSad

FluffMagnet · 30/10/2019 10:50

@QueenWhatevs my thoughts exactly. OP, next time he asks I would very bluntly ask him why he finds pleasure in causing you more pain than you are currently suffering. With a singleton my body just wouldn't play ball with sex during pregnancy and my DH didn't even raise the question of sex until I was ready and initiated post birth because he found the very idea of me trying to soldier on when I wasn't getting any enjoyment completely repulsive. Frankly as anyone should!

OrangeSlices998 · 30/10/2019 10:52

Your body, your choice. You do NOT owe your partner sex, whether you're pregnant or not.

He is an arse, and you deserve better. He needs to support you now, because things will change and be more challenging once the twins get here. Set your boundary now, ask for and accept help when you need it, and for goodness sake DO NOT HAVE SEX IF YOU DON'T WANT TO.

HunterAngel · 30/10/2019 10:59

Wow, just wow. If that was my DH he’d never get sex again. And probably an expletive filled rant about consideration as well

shrutefarm · 30/10/2019 11:01

What a sick bastard. I'm 7 months op. Been sick and in pain the whole time. Haven't had sex the entire time. Dh hasn't even mentioned it. My body is going through hell. He can survive without sex.

Are you sure you want to be with him?

DishingOutDone · 30/10/2019 11:19

I think we all need to know why you are with him OP? Surely you don't think this is ok? How is he going to be once the babies come? Aren't you worried about his attitude?

AntiStuff · 30/10/2019 11:19

Punch him in the balls.

Tooner · 30/10/2019 11:42

Wow, he's bloody horrible. I would be telling him not to expect any sexual contact for the next 3 months at least. Selfish git what he is!

TheAirbender · 30/10/2019 11:47

I went off sex immediately during both of my pregnancies and DH just didn’t ask. I don’t think we had sex at all during either. Please ask yourself whether this man truly loves you. You deserve better OP.

Cosmosgrowinmygarden · 30/10/2019 11:49

Agree with Disney and most other posters OP, flowers 💐 for you. I sometimes wonder if some of these men I read about on MN have been in a cave for most of their lives. My husband (we are in our sixties) would never/has never behaved like this and I sincerely hope neither would my sons!

danadas · 30/10/2019 11:52

This is vile.

Having sex with someone who is pain and exhausted and that you have made feel guilty and effectively blackmailed is not consensual sex and anyone who can get off on that has more issues than is healthy for you to deal with.

That's without all the other non-sex related crap you are putting up with.

Genuinely get away.

Nettleskeins · 30/10/2019 11:52

I've had twins elective c(38 weeks)and although 38 weeks is meant to be when twins are "ready" compared to 40 weeks with singletons, I can honestly say mine could have done with another week or two. Dd had reflux and ds2 had a faulty suck and jaundice. Both were quite normal birth weights 6Ibs and 5Ibs but if they had got to 7Ib and 6Ib the early days would have been so much less traumatic (very sleepy unresponsive babies that needed a lot of feeding and prodding for two weeks)

Please look after yourself, and inform your dh about the benefits of having a rest before giving birth and hanging on till at least 38 if the babies want to!

Meanwhile, how are you preparing for the actual days after the birth? changing tables upstairs and downstairs. Lots of ready meals. Camp bed in sitting room so someone gets a rest sometimes if you've been up all night. Paternity leave..how is that going to go..what is your dh going to do to help then?

I think twin pregnancys can be so exhausting that you just want the babies out and then you forget what is going to be like with two screaming little mites tugging at your heart strings. A sling for both parents, a really good comfortable to push double buggy or even twin pram is essential, and so many people don't factor this in, thinking it will be fine, they will make it up as they go along. Second hand is fine, just get the basics right before they are born.
It really is nothing like having a singleton, I had a toddler at the same time and wasn't prepared for how exhausting it would be dealing with twins, although my toddler had been a baby very recently and I could remember everything about early days with a baby etc/breastfeeding etc.

Impress on your dh right now how helpful he is going to be, tell him you know how supportive he is going to be, and explain what it is you need before the arguments start (after the birth) So it might be, I need you to take a baby first thing and give your ds breakfast every morning before work. Or I will need you to bring me a plate of sandwiches when I am sittingon the sofa back from hospital feeding (breast or bottle) Show confidence in him and he might surprise you.

This is his first baby[ies] presumably so you need to lay it on thick what a helpful handson dad he is going to be and be very specific.

Nettleskeins · 30/10/2019 11:58

having said all that, I think it is a red flag that you feel grateful for your dh being nice to your little boy of six. Your little boy is going to be incredibly vulnerable in this situation if you start feeling controlled in any way by your dh, your eldest and your babies are the absolute priority in this, and you as their mum should be putting them first and not your dh's expectations of his own comfort.
If your dh starts showing any unpleasantness or selfishness to your ds1 I would absolutely not put up with him, father of the babies or not, and even if he is an improvement on the last model.Sad
Your little boy comes FIRST not your new dh.

Gillian1980 · 30/10/2019 12:04

Yanbu.

He is being massively unreasonable!!

We didn’t have sex for at least the last 2 months of pregnancy and the first 3 months of ds being here. Have done it twice in 7 months.... and DH doesn’t ever nag me about it, because he’s not a selfish twat.

Honestly, he shouldn’t be asking about it at all at this stage, never mind every day. And you should never feel bad for not wanting sex whatever the reason.

QueSera · 30/10/2019 13:12

Good lord what a selfish pig! He's fed up of this pregnancy?! No concern for the person who is actually experiencing this pregnancy of TWINS in their own body? Honestly I continually wonder why so many women are with disgusting selfish pigs like this. Much better to be on your own.
Does he know that post-childbirth, many women are not totally interested/able/etc in sex? possibly for some time? Women are not sex machines fgs
I worry for you OP, and your kids, going forward. You will have a young DS, 2 babies and a sex-pest selfish manchild on your hands. Life will not be easy, looking after the DC, twins, feeding, changing, cleaning, sleepless nights etc. You need DP to be a partner, helping you, supporting you, working together. I fear that he's going to be lazy and selfish and make you do all the work, and he'll expect regular sex since you'll no longer be pregnant.
I truly hope the reality is better than my fears OP. Good luck.

FriedasCarLoad · 30/10/2019 13:17

No sex from 35 weeks wouldn’t be unusual with a single pregnancy.

Surely a twin pregnancy is even more uncomfortable and exhausting?!

Sounds like you need to have a serious conversation with him.

SoupDragon · 30/10/2019 13:18

Why did you get back together after he dumped you after your birthday? He's a twat.

Booksandwine80 · 30/10/2019 13:22

Fuck me, and you’re with this wanker why now?!

YANBU there was no sex at this point in my marriage and I was only carrying one baby.

formerbabe · 30/10/2019 13:23

Your husband is disgusting

Wobblywobble321 · 30/10/2019 13:30

When I was pregnant with dc 3 a few years ago my hormones were mental and I was either desperate for sex or go weeks where I just couldn't bare the thought of sex. My dh went with it and never pressured me in the weeks where there would be no sex at all because he respected me, respected the fact I was growing his child and how hard that was and respected that I was a person and not an object to satisfy his needs. You and your DP need to have a very serious chat about respect and how he sees you. His attitude to you is awful. How any man can behave that way is disgusting and I honestly would struggle to find him attractive enough to have sex with if that's how he treated me. You are his partner not an object for him to get his needs fulfilled with.

Harriett123 · 30/10/2019 13:44

DS is not his so I don’t like to ask him to do too much unless he offers and he is usually very good with him but when anyone looks after DS for me I feel like I ‘owe’ them my ex used to make me feel like it was such a chore to do anything with his son so I think it stems from that.

This is bollocks. I'm a step parent and if DP is feeling unwell I would take DSS and leave him have a lie in. The same can be said the other way around.

I'm also pregnant and not having a massive sex drive. I know my partner probably wants more sex but he would never ever try and pressure me or make me feel like I owe him sex. Instead he does the things I need from him like picking up slack on household stuff and running little man around the park when I lack the energy. your partner sounds like a knob I would be reading him the riot act.

WorldEndingFire · 30/10/2019 14:06

This has given goosebumps of disgust, what a hideous creep. "Normal" is whatever YOU want it to be, it's your body and your consent to give! If you are suffering and uncomfortable carrying twins who could be born any week now then it's normal not to want to! You don't need a reason to say no. This man sounds truly awful. Best of luck with your pregnancy.