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Original poster

Guilt about not making memories

118 replies

FedUp100 · 29/10/2019 20:48

Advice needed please!
My beautiful little girl is 5.
I never took any impressions of her tiny feet or hands when she was a baby.
I don't know why I didn't, I just never thought about it. I was always soooo busy looking after her and my toddler by myself (have a husband but he works such long hours I barely see him) and working part time, it was just something I never got round to doing.
Now I spend a lot of time going round to her friends houses on playdates where they have bronze casts of their baby's feet, or plaster casts of their baby's hands, sitting proudly on display on the mantle piece, and it sends a physical pain through my gut that I never did this. Her tininess is lost, never cast in time.
Help, this is making me feel quite ill with bitter regret!
Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

OP posts:
LisaSimpsonsbff · 29/10/2019 21:52

I can see why it's bothering you after losing all the photos - I'm generally very unsentimental about things like photos (only mother in the office who doesn't have a framed picture on her desk) but losing them all would hurt. On a practical note, are there no other photos or other copies of some of those photos - relatives or friends that you might have sent them to or who took their own photos of her?

TowelNumber42 · 29/10/2019 21:52

We made videos of boring shit like a normal breakfast time, every day bath time, a game of snap. They roar with laughter and adore those videos now. It is rare that anyone looks at the baby pictures.

speakout · 29/10/2019 21:54

I think sometime precious moments are spolied because of "making memories".

I would not have had a camera anywhere near me when my babies were born we were far too enagaged in the present to worry about a photograph.

Some things are too precious to interrupt or intrude on with a camera.

FurrySlipperBoots · 29/10/2019 22:01

I don't have any plaster or bronze moulds of my babyhood body parts but I'm making it in life alright! i wouldn't worry about it.

NaviSprite · 29/10/2019 22:05

As PP have said the casts were originally for babies that passed, the only cast I have is for the baby I lost, it’s in it's box still as it’s for me and DH rather than display.

DD and DS (twins) never got any done, but I have two pictures (scribbles) on my fridge from today when they decided to copy me rather than trying to eat the wax crayons - the pictures may get lost with time, but my pride at seeing them do it will stay with me.

I’m so sorry about the lost photos Sad my computer wiped most of the photos I had of DD and DS in their earliest days and even though relatives have been able to send me photos they took, they won’t replace the ones I took.

HappySonHappyMum · 29/10/2019 22:05

I can understand why you would be so unhappy having lost all of those images. Do you still have the memory stick? Those images if they haven't been copied over would still be recoverable with the right software. If not why don't you ask your friends and family for all the pics they took of your DD when she was little - you may find other people have lovely pics even if you don't.

saraclara · 29/10/2019 22:11

I'm sorry about those photos, OP. That would upset me. The casts and things though, I would never do. I think they're simultaneously creepy and tacky!

Thing is, at the moment you think your 5 year old is big. But in a few years time you'll hark back to now and think how little she was! So start saving the things that you'll both look back on. Her first drawings, little notes that she writes. Maybe buy a page a day diary and note down some things about her - achievements - funnyy things she says - who her friends are and what they do together.
The nice thing for her when she looks back at the things you save at this point, is that she'll have faint memories of these times, and so you'll be sharing rather than you telling. My girls are in their 30s, and still love seeing their first writing, and cards they made for me/their dad/each other. These show personality and have far more meaning than a cast of their feet.

Roussette · 29/10/2019 22:20

FedUp100
Forget the plaster casts of feet and all that malarkey. Mine are late 20s, early 30s and I promise you, the memories that matter are the ones that are in your head. There was no digital photography when mine were young so all I've got are some pretty fuzzy pics.

What matters is the memories you have... my lot love hearing stories of what they were like when they were little and the mispronounced words, the naughty stuff they did, the daft stories of things that happened etc. You won't be forgetting all that.

Enjoy every minute Flowers

TheSandman · 29/10/2019 22:28

I think sometime precious moments are spoiled because of "making memories".

THIS!

The number of times my wife has ruined the moment by making the kids 'do it again' for the camera.

Elbowedout · 29/10/2019 22:31

Sorry to hear about the photos OP. That must be very upsetting.
But there will be many more happy times to record in the future.
My children are all teens or young adults now and looking back on their childhoods I can say that most of the really great memories are not big events but things that happened spontaneously, unexpectedly, and often when things didn't go according to plan! In years to come, you are far more likely to enjoy sitting round with your DCs laughing hysterically at "do you remember when..." stories than you are to look at plaster casts etc. Often when people talk about "creating memories" what they really mean is "curating memories." We have got so obsessed with this kind of thing as a society that we are in danger of forgetting to actually DO stuff.

Loaf90 · 29/10/2019 22:31

Don't feel bad, they're so tacky!!

MollysMummy2010 · 29/10/2019 22:32

My daughter was in scbu for first first few weeks and it did not even occur to me to do a cast of her hands and feet. I remember the feel of her tiny hand in mine and we have traditions that I hope will mean more to her in future when I am longer here. I have mine from my parents.

viques · 29/10/2019 22:32

She is five. In a couple of years she will be losing her baby teeth, you could have the first one cast in gold and wear it as a pendant.

Sorry. You don't need to do anything of the sort, as long as you have your own memories and pictures to back them up then the memories are there, as is your beautiful daughter who you can see everyday and watch as she grows into an amazing person. It's the future that counts, not a sticky encounter with plaster of Paris in the past . (Disclaimer, not sure how they do casts, maybe it's silicone)

Gazelda · 29/10/2019 22:41

We were given a DIY casting kit when DD was born. One quiet afternoon, we attempted to do the fucking casting. It was impossible. Baby wriggled, DH didn't read the instructions properly, I was trying to squeeze her hand into the muck while she resisted. DH and i ended up having the most enormous row and then I threw the whole kit in the bin with a dramatic huff.
That's my memory of baby fist casting. One I'm incredibly embarrassed about and only now, 11 years later, that DH and I can talk and laugh about it.

Carriecakes80 · 29/10/2019 22:46

The only time I saw this done was when my friend lost her stillborn daughter. We had them done at the hospital, so I never got them done for any of my children.
I know you might think this sounds harsh, but my friend would give those foot print pictures up in a heartbeat to have the actual memories in her head and heart with her little girl growing up. I don't think you want your baby to grow up, but the thing is, while you worry about daft things like this, really fun memories for your little girl are passing you by.....

TatianaLarina · 29/10/2019 22:49

Why on earth would you want them?

Nobody had this shit in the 70s.

Yoohoo16 · 29/10/2019 22:50

I haven’t got casts of dds hands or feet and I don’t feel I should have, I have pictures and some lovely memories.

Why not find a pottery place, go along together and get a hand print from her now? Maybe a coaster or something. She could paint it too. She would probably love you both doing it together.

Thehagonthehill · 29/10/2019 22:51

They are your memories not hers.She will build her own memories based on a sound foundation of her family.
You can still talk to her about things you have all done and those will count too.
As for foot casts,no generation has suffered from the lack.
I savedy DDS milk teeth as the tooth fairy took them,I still haven't thrown them out but I retrospect it is very creepy.
Have real times with your children,that helps makes them the people they will be not stage managed 'memories'.

cosytoaster · 29/10/2019 22:59

Honestly, I think stuff like that is just one more thing for the kids to throw out when I die

^ this. Memories are just that, thoughts and feelings you remember.

The constant need to evidence every experience and moment drives me mad. People miss enjoying things whilst they are happening in their eagerness to make a record of it.

BarcelonaFreddie · 29/10/2019 23:04

Our wee one is adopted - didn't even know his name until he was two and a half. We're making our memories now.
It doesn't matter, OP.
You've got a childhood and an entire lifetime to make memories.
Start from now.
Stop stressing.
Life is too short.
And life is good.
They won't even remember earlier than now!

Yestermo · 29/10/2019 23:08

Just be. Be with them at the present time. Give them your full attention every day. Not all the time (you would go insane!) but for a good 15 minutes. Enjoy them and let them have you not distracted by a camera or phone.

It's like going to a concert and filming it while failing to enjoy the moment.

Original poster
FedUp100 · 29/10/2019 23:10

Thanks everyone.
I do live in the present usually. I'm loving sharing my life with my amazing little girl and we both love all the fun, interesting and joyful things we do together.
I think I am having a sudden nostalgic phase.
Of course I don't want her to not grow up.
I'm proud of every day that she wakes up with a terrific great smile on her face, excited for her day ahead, and I look at her and think how beautiful she is with every new little phase/growth spurt. I'm not wanting her to still be a baby.
My memories of her being a baby are so sketchy though. They're not very clear at all because I was so incredibly busy looking after my children and so tired!
I really do get a pang in my stomach when I see how carefully other people have preserved those little images.

OP posts:
StillMedusa · 29/10/2019 23:14

4 kids..now young adults here. Not a foot cast among them! Not much in the way of baby books either... I did fill in no1 but no 2 came along 13 months later and no 3 12 months after that...

But..what they remember..the stuff they laugh about when they are all home together, isn't in a picture or a video or a foot print; it's remembering how DD1 pushed DS1 into the pond, and how dad dangled her by her ankles over it (she was laughing... they have always messed about like that) How DD2 was sick from the top bunk and it went all over DD1... daft silly stuff..not even the 'brilliant holiday' 'best day at the beach' stuff, just funny every day life memories.

I too lost a ton of photos... our first digital camera..all on the computer and it went bang and we lost about 3 years of photos. I have very little at all of my younger two's first years as a result. Gutting but I don't need every day reminders of who they were... the beautiful, funny real people they are now, matter more.

Let the worry and angst go!

(I did collect their baby teeth tho... I have enough to make a tribal necklace !!!!!)

BarcelonaFreddie · 29/10/2019 23:15

The pang in your stomach is the feeling we all get with we look back. When I watch videos of our DS from three years ago, I get that wee kick and pang of regret: awww - look how little he was! Look how he's growing up - can't believe how big he is now.
Your feelings are normal.
Try to relax a little.

Wheredidigowrongggggg · 29/10/2019 23:21

Oh god we never did this - it’s modern commercialism gone mad!! We didn’t do any of this, or take gazillions Of photos or Videos. We took some, but spent time enjoying (or afternoon number two came along, barely surviving!) our children instead of immortalising them in as many media as possible as people seem to do these days.

Feet casts, horrifically ‘posed’ photo shoots in fairy outfits/soft focus/naked, photos ten foot tall on walls, it’s all bizarre and very ‘look how much I love my baby’. Is it making up for something? I don’t know. All I know is that you don’t need it.

I ploughed all that energy into them, rather than ‘making memories’ of them. My memories are all there, upstairs, ready to access whenever I like. I don’t need some shit bit of plaster to remind me how beautiful their feet were. I feel it inside.