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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Guilt about not making memories

118 replies

FedUp100 · 29/10/2019 20:48

Advice needed please!
My beautiful little girl is 5.
I never took any impressions of her tiny feet or hands when she was a baby.
I don't know why I didn't, I just never thought about it. I was always soooo busy looking after her and my toddler by myself (have a husband but he works such long hours I barely see him) and working part time, it was just something I never got round to doing.
Now I spend a lot of time going round to her friends houses on playdates where they have bronze casts of their baby's feet, or plaster casts of their baby's hands, sitting proudly on display on the mantle piece, and it sends a physical pain through my gut that I never did this. Her tininess is lost, never cast in time.
Help, this is making me feel quite ill with bitter regret!
Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 29/10/2019 21:07

Why do you need to "make memories" ? Have you forgotten who your daughter is ?

thepeopleversuswork · 29/10/2019 21:09

In the nicest possible way OP, this sounds like a massive over-reaction and it makes me wonder if you are feeling OK in yourself? Are you otherwise happy/coping?

I agree with others that these are borderline naff to be honest. Fine if you want to do them but a million miles from being necessary. There are so many other things to worry about as a parent, your focus on this seems quite alarmingly disproportionate.

As plenty of other people have said, you don't have to "make" memories and you certainly don't need to create physical milestones for them. If you're loving your child and enjoying your time with them you're creating memories. Job's a good'un.

Do you think it might help to talk to someone about how you're feeling? It seems a very irrationally strong reaction to something as trivial as this...

Adogwithabone · 29/10/2019 21:12

Take her now and do one of those pottery things where you can have both your hand prints. Much lovelier that a scrunched up supposedly fist that a baby didn't understand that they have to hold their hand still! Blooming impossible

Havelesstravelmore · 29/10/2019 21:13

@FrankiesKnuckle your post was a breath of fresh air 😊

Tellmetruth4 · 29/10/2019 21:13

When a friend has a new baby just borrow it for a bit and get a cast done, nobody will be able to tell...

In all honesty though I think they look creepy like those Victorian death photographs where they used to make the corpse look alive.

Memories are the result of normal cognitive function. You can’t manufacture them with a piece of art which will probably go the way of 90s, tribal tattoos, all grey living rooms and ‘live, laugh, love’ wall hangings.

thecalmorchid · 29/10/2019 21:15

She's five. Do it now!
I have things from when they were 5. It's quite special as they will remember making it but still look back and think they were very young.

The perfect time is right now.

IfWishesWereFishes · 29/10/2019 21:15

Whaaaat?

Presumably you have memories of your own childhood that don't involve someone making casts of your extremities?! That stuff is tacky shite that has fuck all to do with memories, it's just more stuff to buy.

Actual memories are made no matter what you do together. You don't have to do Insta shite to make memories. If that was the case everything before about 2012 would be blank for half the world's population.

TowelNumber42 · 29/10/2019 21:17

You did make memories. Your children have memories of doing stuff with you and you have memories of doing stuff with them.

You didn't make slightly weird souvenirs. Meh. A five year old will keep you in weird tat items of reminders of how tiny they are. Don't you have a massive stack of art tat and "making things" cluttering up your house like the rest of us? Even my teenage sons still sometimes build/draw/make random crap they are extremely proud of. Stick good examples of that on the mantlepiece.

Your children won't care about their tiny feet but will care about that weird pipe cleaner santa they made that is frankly a bit scary.

If you really really think you'll forget that they used to be tiny maybe put an old babygro or their first shoes in a box frame or something.

Like Lisa said, is everything OK? This is a weird thing to get fixated upon.

sheshootssheimplores · 29/10/2019 21:19

I do have these things but honestly the children will not be interested as they get older. They are primarily momentos for you that will end up in the loft. Just live your best life with the kids making actual memories in everyone’s heads. You don’t need to record every moment.

Scardanelli · 29/10/2019 21:19

OP, we didn't even have a digital camera when my DC were little, never mind all this 'making memories' stuff. Really, really don't worry about it. Your DC will be loved and cherished regardless.

Lindy2 · 29/10/2019 21:19

You don't need hand prints to have memories of when she was a baby.

If you want them though, do it now. 5 is still little and prints or a casting will still be lovely.

Justapatchofgrass · 29/10/2019 21:21

It is a bit creepy. They were made as memorial souvenirs in Victorian/ Georgian times.

LittleTopic · 29/10/2019 21:23

Our one looks like DD has half a hand and two toes as she wouldn’t stay still! So now we have one that looks stupid that we will probably never put up.

But, I have thousands of pictures of her and I can remember exactly how those tiny baby cuddles felt ❤️

My parents and grandparents didn’t have any of that stuff but they have hundreds of stories to tell about our childhoods. In 40 years, I expect you won’t miss a plaster cast of her feet, but you will relish telling people about all the lovely things you do together and your best memories.

Jeleste · 29/10/2019 21:24

We did all that with our first, not with our second! I dont feel guilty yet, but sometimes i do wonder what im gonna tell her if she asks when shes older.
Its the same in my family though. I have lots of photo albums from when i was little, my younger siblings dont even have one full one.

NotTheMrMenAgain · 29/10/2019 21:25

I find those hand/feet casts rather macabre - I think the Victorians used to have them made when babies had sadly died. So that's what springs to mind when I see them.

I have a little chest with special baby clothes and mementos in, which bring back some lovely memories. DD likes to hold up the tiny clothes and see how much she's grown.

BackforGood · 29/10/2019 21:26

.....and it sends a physical pain through my gut that I never did this. Her tininess is lost, never cast in time.
Help, this is making me feel quite ill with bitter regret!
Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Seriously ? I've never said this on MN before, but my advice is that you really need to get a grip.
I don't even like those tiny footprint casts but am happy to understand that we all have different tastes, but buying something like that has nothing to do with "creating memories".
Get out and do stuff together, and 'memories' are what they remember doing (nothing to do with an object you have bought).

Excellent post @FrankiesKnuckle

When a friend has a new baby just borrow it for a bit and get a cast done, nobody will be able to tell...

@Tellmetruth4
That is SO true. Genius!

That stuff is tacky shite that has fuck all to do with memories, it's just more stuff to buy.

This is spot on.

Elbowedout · 29/10/2019 21:27

I also wonder if you are ok OP? You sound lonely and sad - with your husband away a lot it can't be easy.
Honestly, you have in no way "failed" by not having casts of your baby's hands and feet. You don't need things like that to have good memories or to be a good mum. I haven't even got any photos of my youngest on the day he was born as my DH went home with the camera in his pocket after he dropped me off at the hospital. Does it mean that baby is any less precious than my older ones who were all photographed dozens of times within an hour of birth? No, of course not!
Enjoy the here and now, don't fret about things you can't change and really don't matter hugely anyway. But maybe have a chat with your HV or GP if you are finding things are getting on top of you or you are feeling low a lot of the time. Take care of yourself.

NoMorePawPatrolPlease · 29/10/2019 21:27

I’m going to be honest, those hand and feet casts really freak me out! I think they’re really creepy. I walk past my friend’s little girl’s hand & feet casts on the way to her loo every time I visit, and I really don’t like it at all. I appreciate I’m in a minority, but urgh!

But if you like them, you could maybe try to get a bronze cast of her first shoes?

BlackSwan · 29/10/2019 21:28

You are joking right? You make memories by doing things with your kids and taking some photos. A plaster or bronze cast of their feet is just a tacky gimmick.

Leeds2 · 29/10/2019 21:29

I find those things really tacky, and my DD certainly didn't partake!

If you feel bad about it, you could always do them now. A 5 year old is still tiny, and she will remember it now as a fun experience.

Diy2019 · 29/10/2019 21:30

I have a 6 year old and I've just decided I'm going to put together a big photo scrapbook for him with one photo from each important day in his life. I pulled together photos from each birthday, Christmas, Halloween, holiday, first days, achievements etc. I have 124 photos up to his 6th birthday. I think this is a much better way of looking back at his life

raspberryk · 29/10/2019 21:30

I got their foot & handprints at 1 & 4 made into penguin & reindeer on xmas baubles, never did the footprints when tiny though.

TowelNumber42 · 29/10/2019 21:30

I don't mind the tininess being lost. Children are supposed to grow. They want to be big. It is fun seeing them become big. Just the other day my eldest teen boy was laughing about being a big boy now because he could touch the ceiling without jumping. We all agreed that he is a very big boy eating me out of house and home that one, the fridge locust

Bcnamechanger · 29/10/2019 21:32

Memories are personal, right? So who's anyone else to tell you that you're doing it wrong?

Step away from instawesome and just keep on keeping on with taking care of and loving your kids. Memories will flow from the wee mundanities of life, not the manufactured hallmarks of perfection.

One thing I do is tell my kids the stories from when they were wee, and get their gps to do the same. But it's not a performance piece to be shown off to everyone who comes into our home; it's lovely - an oral history that's entirely unique to each of them.

TowelNumber42 · 29/10/2019 21:33

A scrapbook diy? You are brave. I am so glad I hardly any of that with the eldest because I already feel a bit guilty about doing less with number two and bugger all with number three. There weren't enough hours in my day.

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