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Original poster

Feel like I'm being used - man cheating on wife

61 replies

Shouldertosobstoryon · 29/10/2019 09:34

I've known this guy for about a year. He got married when he was 25 to the woman he has been since he was 19. He's 34 now.

We are just good friends and I do find him amusing.

However.

In the year I have known him alone, he has had three affairs. His wife is also pregnant and due to give birth in January.

The first affair, I let RIP on him. The second one he told me about, i blanked. Now the third one has ended as they always end: with the OW dumping him.

He is doing what he always does, I don't quite understand the process: swing from self pitying and loathing, to raging about the OW. Hes a highly functioning alcoholic with a successful business however he starts drinking at 11.

I'm not sure what I'm asking. Sometimes I think of his wife and feel so angry on her behalf. I don't know her. He tells me she is distraught because shes pregnant and hes out and about and unkind to her and doesn't give a shit.

This evening he wants me to meet him for a drink because hes "at the end of the line" and "i considered throwing myself under a train this morning". He will want me to meet him and tell him what a bad person he is as usual. He never hides his affairs out and about in town. It's like he doesn't care. It's like any attention, good or bad, is fine by him - as long as its attention. I think deep down hes a bit of a coward who settled down out of convention and now feels like he missed out. He seems to change his behaviour depending on the person in front of him. I have seen him manipulate in real time. He screenshots peoples messages in case he "needs" them later. I really hate how this term is bandied about but I do wonder whether he is an actual, clinical narcissist.

I'm not sure what I'm asking guys. Aside from the affairs we share a hobby and hes a pretty reliable and considerate friend, ironically. But I'm not sure how or why but I just get the sense I'm being used for something. I dont feel comfortable in this friendship anymore whilst at the same time valuing it. I dont know how to proceed.

OP posts:
MrsMaiselsMuff · 29/10/2019 09:38

You're part of the game. Why are you friends with him?

Passthecherrycoke · 29/10/2019 09:40

He’s a train wreck. I either stay at arms length or stop contacting such people

Original poster
Shouldertosobstoryon · 29/10/2019 09:42

Yes I do feel part of the game but its confusing because I dont know what game is. I get this sense it's almost like he thinks his life is a movie.

I'm friends with him as I said because if I put that aside he is a funny person and we have a lot of shared interests. But I'm increasingly uncomfortable because whereas before the affairs were in the background they now seem to be his only point of existence so I can no longer pretend it isnt happening

OP posts:
MrsMaiselsMuff · 29/10/2019 09:43

He's not funny, he's a tit.

Either you stop being friends with him, or you acknowledge that you enjoy the game and carry on.

Original poster
Shouldertosobstoryon · 29/10/2019 09:44

I have been staying at arms length but the thing is when the OW dump him he turns up at their work (onevof them works in a cafe and he just went and sat in it for a week after she dumped him) and to a lesser extent he does it to me, he wouldnt dare show up at my house because hes scared of my DP but he hassles me for replies by text and if I dont reply he starts getting all upset. Its fucking ridiculous, I dont know why/how but then I start feeling obliged to respond

OP posts:
TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 29/10/2019 09:48

He's not "high functioning". I'd guess if all the people around him who regularly prop him up suddenly disappeared you'd find out how useless he actually is. He is not running a successful business if he starts drinking at 11. Someone else is doing all the hard work. He is not a good husband of family man. He's wife is carrying that alone. He's not a good friend. Yet you're still hanging around stroking his self-pitying bruised ego.

Walk away. He's a deadbeat and dragging you down with him. His wife knows better than anyone exactly how bad he is. And she is dealing with it in her own way. If anything, I would try contact her and encourage her to get herself support.

You're all enabling an alcoholic to continue being an alcoholic. Walk away. He won't miss you. He'll find some other sucker to leach off.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 29/10/2019 09:50

How's he running a business of he has time to stalk women by sitting in a café all day?

Block his number.

Original poster
Shouldertosobstoryon · 29/10/2019 09:51

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre Thanks for that I needed that wakeup call. In fact one of his business partners is taking him to court so it cant be all that.

I would dearly love to contact his wife but firstly I think this is the sort of guy who would destroy your life if he found out, and also I get the sense that she already knows and would not want to be told.

OP posts:
LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow · 29/10/2019 09:54

tell him to get himself insured to the hilt and at least his wife won't be penniless if he does the worst.
what an utter bastard he is.
how can you be friends? Oh he's "funny", rightyho. 3)

jellycatspyjamas · 29/10/2019 09:54

But I'm increasingly uncomfortable because whereas before the affairs were in the background they now seem to be his only point of existence so I can no longer pretend it isnt happening

You don’t need to pretend they aren’t happening, just don’t discuss it with him at all. Tell him you’re uncomfortable talking about his cheating and you don’t want to hear about it or talk about it for any reason and if he can’t respect that you’ll assume he wants you to tell his wife and he can deal with the call out from that.

If you enjoy his company in some circumstances only see him in those situations. He clearly isn’t able to keep appropriate boundaries so you’ll need to set and keep some of your own.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 29/10/2019 09:54

I don't mean tell her about the affairs. She almost certainly knows about them. But tell her she has support options available. Tell her about Al-Anon. Or tell her to contact another agency. She needs support. She needs it far more than he does, at the moment.

Moomin8 · 29/10/2019 09:57

Yeah, he sounds like he's getting reinforcement from talking to you about these affairs and you telling him he's wrong etc. If you feel used it's probably because you're playing a role in the drama that is his life.

Surely you have better friends? The only way to stop this is to refuse to talk with him about the affairs.

Moomin8 · 29/10/2019 09:58

You could easily say to him 'well you know how I feel about these affairs so I don't want to talk about them 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
Shouldertosobstoryon · 29/10/2019 10:00

Thanks for talking to me about this. Maybe this is weird but when I think about just having a friendship with him and not discussing his affairs, I cant actually be bothered. I find he drains my energy whatever the subject is. I think I need to find a way to slowly withdraw and kill off the friendship. I'm not getting anything out of it

OP posts:
ConkerGame · 29/10/2019 10:01

OP I think you should just be clear with him that you don’t condone his behaviour and point blank refuse to discuss his affairs any more. If he talks about being suicidal etc just put him in touch with the Samaritans. Have a phrase that you repeat whenever he brings it up - “yes, you really need to contact the Samaritans”

He’ll soon get bored when you’re not participating in his fantasy life anymore.

SkinnyLatteForMe · 29/10/2019 10:04

What are you getting out of this friendship? You are not responsible for him.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 29/10/2019 10:04

How can you have a friendship with someone who is perpetually pissed? Are you a heavy drinker yourself? There's nothing more tedious than a drunk. You don't actually know him as a person at all. Addicts are usually funny and charming because they are highly manipulative and know how to get what they want from people.

He doesn't see your friendship in the same light as you do. Are you female? If so he doesn't see you as a friend at all.. Just his next bit on the side.

HappySonHappyMum · 29/10/2019 10:07

You're an enabler - you're letting him see that it's OK to behave like an arsehole because there are no consequences to his actions. When he finally gets found out you'll be known as the friend who's 'helped' him behave that way and get away with it. I couldn't be friends with someone like that and I wouldn't want to be either.

savingshoes · 29/10/2019 10:09

He sounds like an expert at manipulation and has a pattern of behaviour. It doesn't seem like he takes any responsibility for his actions.

I wonder how they became the OW?
Maybe they'd known him for a year, thought he was amusing and tried to make him see reason and then they started catching feelings.

Keep away.

Simkin · 29/10/2019 10:12

Do him a favour and stay away. He needs people to stop supporting/enabling his behaviour so he can hit rock bottom and want to do something about himself.

You can't beat his drink problem. Neither can his wife, but that's her issue not yours.

PrincessScarlett · 29/10/2019 10:13

Sounds to me that your friendship with him could be interpreted as an emotional affair. Does your partner know about your friendship with him? Why is he scared of your partner? Is it because he knows he's acting inappropriately?

He sounds like he is using you in his sick messed up game. I would distance yourself from him.

Original poster
Shouldertosobstoryon · 29/10/2019 10:13

Oh hell no. I can guarantee you I wont be going down that route, no way. Apart from it being so far removed from my own morals he is also NOT attractive. I dont even know how he gets these OW, although they are all younger.
Weirdly although he drinks from 11 he never seems drunk until late in the night so I guess he has a high tolerance. I think hes using me for the attention so he can tell someone about his exploits and it feels exciting, and also to normalise what hes doing. I agree that there is no reason for us to remain friends.

OP posts:
Simkin · 29/10/2019 10:16

If he tells you he starts drinking at 11 he probably starts drinking at 8.

Original poster
Shouldertosobstoryon · 29/10/2019 10:18

@PrincessScarlett He has never met my partner but he knows I tell my partner about him (I tell my partner everything). My partner is a softie but hes also a boxer.

They have never met but my partner says he is sick of this toxic friendship with this guy, he says hes a dickhead and says it's up to me but he really wants me to consider ending this friendship which only causes stress and a mess. I think hes right.

OP posts:
messolini9 · 29/10/2019 10:24

I dont know why/how but then I start feeling obliged to respond

Have you seen recommendations about this concept/resource for people being manipulated by personality disordered friends/relatives? -
outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

  • REALLY useful for helping you to discover the "why" of how you feel obligated to respond to Mr TrainWreck.

I suspect a useful next response for you needs to be along the lines of -
"we have been through this mill so many times now, & it's not fair of you to threaten suicide & expect me to respond. I am not qualified to manage the problems you are causing yourself & your marriage. You need professional help for your alcoholism, & professional therapy for the MH problems that are causing you to act out with your series of high-octane affairs.
I am sorry you are unhappy, but you simply cannot expect laypeople - i.e. me - to be able to cope with the amount of emotional load you expect them to carry. Please contact AA about your drinking, & then follow their advice about where to find a therapist who will help you address your problems."

He will kick back at that type of message, but when he does, standard MN responses apply - "that doesn't work for me" "no I do not want to meet to discuss your OW" " repeat repeat repeat.

If he then becomes arsey (& I think he will, because he needs to drama in order to feel 'normal') - one final message "You are not listening to me or considering the anxiety & stress you are causing me, so I now have no choice but to stop responding to you at all." And ... .BLOCK.

You don't owe Mr TrainWreck anything, Shoulder.
I hope the method above gives you either a way of getting him to dial back the drama around you, or a foolproof method of finally getting rid. I'm gonna say this again - YOU DON'T OWE HIM ANYTHING.