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Original poster

Feel like I'm being used - man cheating on wife

61 replies

Shouldertosobstoryon · 29/10/2019 09:34

I've known this guy for about a year. He got married when he was 25 to the woman he has been since he was 19. He's 34 now.

We are just good friends and I do find him amusing.

However.

In the year I have known him alone, he has had three affairs. His wife is also pregnant and due to give birth in January.

The first affair, I let RIP on him. The second one he told me about, i blanked. Now the third one has ended as they always end: with the OW dumping him.

He is doing what he always does, I don't quite understand the process: swing from self pitying and loathing, to raging about the OW. Hes a highly functioning alcoholic with a successful business however he starts drinking at 11.

I'm not sure what I'm asking. Sometimes I think of his wife and feel so angry on her behalf. I don't know her. He tells me she is distraught because shes pregnant and hes out and about and unkind to her and doesn't give a shit.

This evening he wants me to meet him for a drink because hes "at the end of the line" and "i considered throwing myself under a train this morning". He will want me to meet him and tell him what a bad person he is as usual. He never hides his affairs out and about in town. It's like he doesn't care. It's like any attention, good or bad, is fine by him - as long as its attention. I think deep down hes a bit of a coward who settled down out of convention and now feels like he missed out. He seems to change his behaviour depending on the person in front of him. I have seen him manipulate in real time. He screenshots peoples messages in case he "needs" them later. I really hate how this term is bandied about but I do wonder whether he is an actual, clinical narcissist.

I'm not sure what I'm asking guys. Aside from the affairs we share a hobby and hes a pretty reliable and considerate friend, ironically. But I'm not sure how or why but I just get the sense I'm being used for something. I dont feel comfortable in this friendship anymore whilst at the same time valuing it. I dont know how to proceed.

OP posts:
PrincessScarlett · 29/10/2019 10:26

Yes your partner is right. I'm not saying that you are at fault at all OP but I definitely think there's more to your friendship in your friend's eyes. If I were you I would worry about getting caught up in any break up/marriage problems friend and his wife might have.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 29/10/2019 10:29

messolini's reply is perfect. Send that, then freeze him out. You are the audience in his drama OP and you're also enabling it (I can't be that bad or Shoulder, who is after all a woman, wouldn't be friends with me).

He's Narcissus - and you're his mirror.

Original poster
Shouldertosobstoryon · 29/10/2019 10:44

Good point. Hes just sent me a message saying "why arent you replying to me? Are we meeting tonight? I've got a present for you too! :-D"

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 29/10/2019 10:52

There are support groups for friends and family of alcoholics - Al-Anon - in most areas.

Your fear of fallout from ending your enabling of him makes me think you'd really benefit from attending some meetings OP.

TheTrollFairy · 29/10/2019 10:56

Don’t meet him tonight.
He is living off the drama, you need to stop any attention as you have already pointed out that he likes the attention regardless of it being positive or negative.

He isn’t a friend to you, he is a user and he gets by doing what he does because no one stands up to him in a way that will make him realise - by ignoring him.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 29/10/2019 11:00

So are you going to distance yourself from him based on how much of a manipulative dickhead he sounds like?

I personally wouldn't want to be friends with someone so nasty and manipulative.

PrincessScarlett · 29/10/2019 11:03

Don't meet him tonight. Say you are busy if you can't face cutting him off today. But you do need to get this man out of your life.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 29/10/2019 11:04

And @messolini9 has written a brilliant message.

All you're doing at the moment is completely enabling toxic behaviour. People like him are very good at making you feel that without you they wouldn't be able to cope.

Everyone needs to try to learn to cope with their own shit, that's why I've spent years in therapy to explore my behaviour and work on coping strategies.

He doesn't want to get "better" so conceding to what he demands of you is only stopping him changing. He doesn't want to change. It's totally unfair to lean on you so much and also totally unproductive.

Original poster
Shouldertosobstoryon · 29/10/2019 11:07

His last OW was actually a woman I know through a group (we live in a small city). She dumped him last week.

He just sent me a message saying: Any news from my ex?

I totally know I shouldn't enter into his game but I just felt like taking away the importance and swiping at his ego so I said: I will probably see her on Friday. She's hardly an ex though really is she?

And he said: Somebody you see every day? Who says they love you? If that isnt a relationship then what is?

OP posts:
NearlyGranny · 29/10/2019 11:09

I think this person is using you as confessor and absolver. He tells you all, you tell him he's a rat, he feels better and goes off and does it again!

It does sound as if his cycle has grown shorter and more extreme so you probably don't want to be around when he crashes.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 29/10/2019 11:09

In the kindest way @Shouldertosobstoryon it sounds like you're engaging in the drama.

I don't understand why - you said there is nothing in this for you so unless its the intensity and drama that's keeping you interested there is absolutely no other reason for you to continue this "friendship".

It's all very teenage!

PrincessScarlett · 29/10/2019 11:14

Stop it OP! If I was this OW I would be furious you were reporting on me to the man I just dumped.

He is really doing a number on you and turning you into a thoroughly unpleasant person by enabling his behaviour, reporting on woman you are meant to be friends with to feed his ego.

Cheeseandwin5 · 29/10/2019 11:33

If he is your friend- you should be supportive of him, this is not just about listening to what he has to say, but telling him how you feel. That his behaviour and his attitude to others is making you very unhappy and questioning whether you want to be friends with him.
Than slowly become unavailable to meet or contact him and get on with your own life

DontLettuceBrexitLettuceRomain · 29/10/2019 11:39

He tells me she is distraught because shes pregnant and hes out and about and unkind to her and doesn't give a shit.

Fucking hell thats grim. That he's causing it, that he knows, and that he doesn't care.

Next time you waver OP, look at that.

HoneyandSpice · 29/10/2019 11:54

You first posted this at 9.34 today.

Fairly overwhelmingly, you get told not to engage. To block. To stop enabling. You admit this is what your partner wants you to do too. You admit everyone is right. You thank one poster for giving you a wake up call.

Yet by your 11.07 post, you are engaging with him again (because he berates you with 'why aren't you replying?' messages)
And in your 11.07 post you say you know you shouldn't be entering into his game.
Except of course you do so.

Wtaf? I can only surmise that you enjoy the drama. If you were one of those people who came to me asking for advice then consistently ignoring spind advice, I'd leave you to it.

However, if I was your partner and this went on any longer, I'd be saying goodbye to you. You are giving this arsehole too much of your time which equals in his eyes as him being super important.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 29/10/2019 12:07

Stop engaging OP. You're just feeding him the attention he clearly lives for. Your partner is right.

FizzyGreenWater · 29/10/2019 12:13

And he said: Somebody you see every day? Who says they love you? If that isnt a relationship then what is?

Why not reply:

'It's called a nasty cheating shit doing the dirty on his pregnant wife yet again. Can you leave me alone please? I'm really done with your self-pity, I'd rather save my sympathy for your wife tbh.'

I would dearly love to contact his wife but firstly I think this is the sort of guy who would destroy your life if he found out

I disagree, actually. He's useless - everyone in this guy's life is colluding to pretend to him that he can achieve anything at all - business, life, love. I'd bet instead that if you told him where to go and if he started threatening to cause trouble, all you'd have to do is SNARL right back at him to fucking try it and the first time you saw him at your workplace you'd be calling the police AND his wife to tell her what was up AND your partner, you'd hear no more from him.

Fucking waster.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 29/10/2019 12:17

There is absolutely no reason to be in contact with this man. Have you other friends you are in as much contact with? I wouldn't even bother with the text messolini9 suggested. I know a few addicts. They would love that sort of message. It's feeding their ego. They would twist it and turn it and it would not be wrapped up in the neat little ending that you imagine.

Block him. Now.

Unless of course you enjoy his "need" to have you close. I think your partner must be a saint, or a fool, to be happy with what goes on between you two.

ThreeLittleDots · 29/10/2019 12:30

Revolting, abusive cheating drunk.

Are you frightened of him OP?

longwayoff · 29/10/2019 12:33

Oh do shut up, you're plainly enjoying it and will continue your bizarre relationship so, bye.

LannisterLion1 · 29/10/2019 12:36

Stop playing a game you can't win. You aren't bruising his ego, it's too large and wrapped up.in self importance.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 29/10/2019 12:52

Addicts are inheritently selfish. Everyone around them, even those thru are supposed to love are just commodities. Items to be used for their own gain. Be that money, or affection, or attention. His wife is a commodity. The women he has affairs with are commodities. His business partners and employees. His friends. You.

You are all there to be used by him to get what it is he needs at that particular time.

He's not bothered. If he doesn't get what he wants from you. He'll simply and seamlessly move along.

How did he manage before he met you?! Hmm

ThreeLittleDots · 29/10/2019 13:01

OP I'd advise that you work on your own boundaries and why you are propping up this man? I assume you're either naive about addiction behaviour, or perhaps have a blindspot due to alcoholic parents yourself.

You really need to educate and remove yourself. You've known him just a year and owe him nothing.

PicsInRed · 29/10/2019 13:22

By your own description of his behaviour towards his wife, he is at minimum emotionally abusing his pregnant wife.

He is a domestic abuser. Mull on that for a bit.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 29/10/2019 13:30

This is a toxic, one-way friendship.

He's emotionally using you to dump all his shit on, including his affairs.

I don't think being 'funny' cuts it in terms of why you're friends with him.

Stop enabling his shitty behaviour and tel him to grow up. Personally, I'd tell him to fuck off, but that's up to you.

He drinks all day from 11am? God knows how he's running a business.