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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to care for elderly mother

54 replies

Sunnydays999 · 29/10/2019 09:30

When the time comes that is . At the moment she is in good enough health . But she has been a poor mother to say the least . After Years of therapy I have little to do with her, an abusive childhood has meant I struggle still at times with anxiety especially when she is around. I have little to do with her very low contact . Yet her and my siblings where shocked when I said I wouldn’t be a carer and we planned to move to another country. It’s always been presumed I will as I’m a sahm ( apart from stints working very part time) to our 4 children. She gets on better , by her own admission, with 2 of my older sisters as they are “ intelligent woman” as she keeps telling me . She knows they won’t want to give their jobs/ lifestyles up . It’s been presumed that despite her dislike for me ( that’s obvious to all with constant mocking)that I will do it .Aibu to not

OP posts:
DartmoorDoughnut · 29/10/2019 09:31

Yanbu

Asta19 · 29/10/2019 09:35

YANBU in the slightest! I will also not be caring for my mother when she's old. She didn't care for me as a kid. She was neglectful at best and walked out on me when I was 11. We do speak but pretty LC. Do not feel even a second of guilt over it. Take care of yourself and your family, the ones that actually love and respect you.

Original poster
Sunnydays999 · 29/10/2019 09:41

I actually feel guilt if I’m honest . She has recently posted something on face book about how in the Philippines you can be sued for not looking after parents . I just can’t even low level shopping and cooking she would use the contact as a chance for criticism . My siblings would no doubt put money forward - amounts I couldn’t afford . I feel I paid with my childhood and have recently cut contact a lot - and now she is trying to claw me back in . She doesn’t love me I’m just the emotional punch bag I know that .

OP posts:
Applesanbananas · 29/10/2019 09:41

Yanbu, I was in this very same position right down to the sahm and she did become ill. Unfortunately as she was such a bad mother to me, she didnt deserve my time and effort to take care of her. But to get to that point of putting myself and my mH first, I had alot of therapy.

Sicario · 29/10/2019 09:42

Don't feel bad about it. This is your life, your decision, and that is okay.

Some parents/siblings get really angry when a family member refuses to toe the line. This sense of entitlement is toxic. My mother and sister became a complete nightmare and I won't have anything to do with either of them any more. They are both abusive women and they deserve each other.

I have made it absolutely clear to my adult kids that they owe me nothing and no way on earth would I expect them (or want them) to care for me. They have my full authority to shove me under a bus when I become inconvenient.

Stick to your guns and well done for not taking any shit. Solidarity!

LagunaBubbles · 29/10/2019 09:45

Please don't waste time feeling guilty about this. You have a life now without your Mother emotionally abusing you, concentrate on what you and who you do have in your life. People like your Mum rely on others guilt to get what they want and manipulate people. You don't owe her anything at all.

Didiusfalco · 29/10/2019 09:45

Well, we’re not in the Philippines, so she can do one. The thing is, it’s going to involve some resolve and strength of character on your part not to do this. Don’t get sucked in.

Sicario · 29/10/2019 09:46

The PP who mentioned counselling is quite right. It takes a lot to unravel and understand the guilt us women are burdened with. It's part of our conditioning and needs to be unlearned.

You have every right to put yourself and your loved ones first. Your mental health is very important, and YOU MATTER.

I managed to work through the guilt and am out the other side now. It took a while, but I am now so much happier having gone no contact. I am never going back there. Good riddance to all of them.

mankyfourthtoe · 29/10/2019 09:47

Could you post on Facebook that it's illegal to not look after your children...

Prob not, but no in your shoes I wouldn't offer care

LavendarGreen · 29/10/2019 09:49

@Sunnydays999

WOW, of COURSE YANBU! Shock

Your mother sounds toxic and spoilt, and your older siblings don't sound too great either! Sad Move far, far, far away from them and never come back. Keep on being the wonderful SAHM you are to your 4 adorable kiddies.

I don't understand why some people are total shits to their children, and then piss and moan when they don't want to be their carer. One of your siblings can do it, seeing as they're soooooo much better than you.

Peace and love to you. Smile

FatArse123 · 29/10/2019 09:49

YANBU x1,000,000

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 29/10/2019 09:49

Gosh, this is me all over.
I did actually move abroad and mum did become very ill, eventually passing away.
I feel guilt though I shouldn't. She really messed up my childhood and was mentally abusive, but did also have such a lovely side to her too (but I think that may have been part of her manipulation). It's still pretty raw as has only been a couple of months since she passed away.

LavendarGreen · 29/10/2019 09:51

@Sunnydays999 OH, and delete her from facebook, and anyone who is in regular contact with her - and then BLOCK them.

LavendarGreen · 29/10/2019 09:51

@Sunnydays999 In fact, deactivate your facebook for a month or so. Till the dust settles.

HappySonHappyMum · 29/10/2019 09:52

YANBU - you need to make the best decision for you. Be aware that your older 'more intelligent(!)' siblings with their good jobs would also love for you to be her carer so her care will not disrupt their lives or lifestyles. Move to another country - leave them all to it. Don't get sucked into this - it seems to benefit everyone else apart from you.

RavenLG · 29/10/2019 09:53

She has recently posted something on face book about how in the Philippines you can be sued for not looking after parents
I'd point out that your sisters would be sued too as they seemingly are palming her off on you.

My siblings would no doubt put money forward - amounts I couldn’t afford
If that's the case they can pay for a FT carer / home for her then.

Fuck them all OP. Do not feel any guilt for this, if she had been a decent mother she wouldn't be in this position. Flowers

Dandelion1993 · 29/10/2019 09:55

Nobody should feel like they have to care for an elderly relative at all.

There seems to be a presumption in life that we have to care for our parents when they're older and we don't.

If you can, are financially able to and want to that's great but if not never pile that pressure on yourself.

SapatSea · 29/10/2019 09:55

If you are planning to move then go, best thing I ever did. Try not to feel guilty or that you are setting a bad example to your DC, let her "golden" children take the responsibility.

Zenithbear · 29/10/2019 10:03

You are not responsible for your mother's care. Give up the guilt and get yourself some counselling.
Say no to anything you don't want to do.
My mother is the same and I suffered from complete emotional and sometimes physical neglect as a child while two of my siblings were spoiled favourites and had so much compared to me. I'm leaving all care up to them as it's only fair.

Teenangels · 29/10/2019 10:03

I am not going to care for my wonderful caring mother, who at the age of 65 was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and has become ill really quickly, before she become ill and even now she says please do not care for me, putting your life on hold not being there for my Grandchildren, put me in a nice home, come and see me as you would if I were living at home.
I feel guilt but also a sense of relief as I would of course care for her but with her permission I do not have to. My mum said that she didn’t have children to look after her she had children to love, make her proud and strive for a great life.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 29/10/2019 10:05

YANBU. And screw the lot of them!

HappyPunky · 29/10/2019 10:05

Yanbu. I won't be caring for mine either.
She prefers my brother so he can look after her.

holrosea · 29/10/2019 10:05

YANBU - there is so much in your post to suggest that even if you were physically present to care for her (you won't be) that you shouldn't do it anyway:

  1. She abused you, you need(ed) therapy and she exacerbates your anxiety. None of these are good for your own health or your own family unit (DH, kids).

  2. Why the presumption that you will care for her ? It sounds as though your sisters also assume that you are the family dogsbody. If they are unwilling to give up their careers/lifestyles (as is also reasonable) then surely they can make financial contributions to her care?

  3. Being a SAHM doesn't automatically make you available to all and sundry for all caring needs. Also, it is no less valuable than your sisters' careers, especially not to your own family unit.

Also, take a deep breath, continue with therapy if you need to and stick to your boundaries. YANBU.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 29/10/2019 10:21

Nope don’t even consider it. You will be the sibling dealing with all the crap while your sisters get all the praise. Fuck the lot of them. Not your problem. Don’t give them an pinch of guilt. Not one pinch.

Longdistance · 29/10/2019 10:30

She can go to an old folks home. Bugger looking after her.