To not want to care for elderly mother

[Sunnydays999]

When the time comes that is . At the moment she is in good enough health . But she has been a poor mother to say the least . After Years of therapy I have little to do with her, an abusive childhood has meant I struggle still at times with anxiety especially when she is around. I have little to do with her very low contact . Yet her and my siblings where shocked when I said I wouldn’t be a carer and we planned to move to another country. It’s always been presumed I will as I’m a sahm ( apart from stints working very part time) to our 4 children. She gets on better , by her own admission, with 2 of my older sisters as they are “ intelligent woman” as she keeps telling me . She knows they won’t want to give their jobs/ lifestyles up . It’s been presumed that despite her dislike for me ( that’s obvious to all with constant mocking)that I will do it .Aibu to not

The time has come for me. I’m at the stage where my Ils and now my parents are becoming frail and dying one by one. It’s nigh on impossible not to get sucked in to some extent and unless you move away I would caution you that despite what you say you may we’ll end up doing it anyway.

If your number is the one called by a worried neighbour, a nurse in A&E, you mother herself, it takes a lot of strength to say no.

And to the PP above who says it’s simple to arrange carers and nursing homes just hahahaha, possibly you haven’t had to do much of this? Or not much where there is a reluctant parent or a budget. It’s fucking close to impossible sometimes and as complicated as any process I know of.

Move away and learn a lot of stock phrases to say the same thing. And expect even people you know and think care for you to look at you in a different way when they hear you won’t help your own mother. I’m not judging you just saying it’s very hard when it comes to it.

YANBU, definitely not. Don't let yourself be emotionally blackmailed into being her carer. As you yourself said, you're being used as your mother's emotional punchbag and you shouldn't have to put up with that.

I will, if at all possible, without doubt care for my mum when the time comes. But I'll do it because I want to, because she's been a fantastic mother and I'd like to show her the same love she's always shown me.

And that's the only reason anyone should ever be a carer for family, because they actively want to, out of love. For someone who has never shown you love, has been downright unkind to you all your life, like fuck I would! Don't fall for this OP, they just want you to do the donkey work so they don't have to and none of it will be remotely appreciated, not by your mother or the rest of them.

You will be criticised if you don't do it yes, but you will still be criticised even if you do. You will never be able to do right with these people because that's not your role, they've set you up to be in the wrong all your life. So you might as well be criticised for doing what makes you happy, even better if that means you don't actually have to listen to it because you've moved miles away!

@WonderWebbs having read lots of posts on here, I am so lucky to have such a caring, wonderful and selfless mum.
I am so sad and angry that my mum has been struck down with such a terrible disease so young.
My mum couldn’t understand any parent subjecting their children to heartache and I am lucky that I had the best role model, she had a great career, was always independent, loyal, funny, fair and loving... if I am half the mum she is, I will be proud.