To not want to care for elderly mother

[Sunnydays999]

When the time comes that is . At the moment she is in good enough health . But she has been a poor mother to say the least . After Years of therapy I have little to do with her, an abusive childhood has meant I struggle still at times with anxiety especially when she is around. I have little to do with her very low contact . Yet her and my siblings where shocked when I said I wouldn’t be a carer and we planned to move to another country. It’s always been presumed I will as I’m a sahm ( apart from stints working very part time) to our 4 children. She gets on better , by her own admission, with 2 of my older sisters as they are “ intelligent woman” as she keeps telling me . She knows they won’t want to give their jobs/ lifestyles up . It’s been presumed that despite her dislike for me ( that’s obvious to all with constant mocking)that I will do it .Aibu to not

Having experienced this myself, I'd tell you to run run RUN away from taking on that additional responsibility. I was left to care for a difficult, mean and sometimes loving (confusing, huh?) mother who essentially was capable of doing a lot for herself, but found it easier to get me to do it. I think the ultimate aim was to get me to move in with her, leaving my own husband and family home to focus on her. Two sisters, one overseas and one an hour away, both full of "helpful" advice and suggestions for how I could do things better. Both sat on their fat arses whilst I quite literally shredded myself trying to run my life and home, my own business, tackle serious health problems of my own, and live entirely at our mother's beck and call for a decade. My relationships with them will probably never recover and to be honest, I don't want them to. I despise them both. I received regular lectures on what I was doing wrong, dealt with vile accusations (told them to go to the police, funnily enough they didn't) and spent ten years being told that I wasn't doing enough. I could have bled to death in front of them, they didn't care, as long as they weren't doing the work themselves.

There is no obligation to care for our elderly relatives. We impose it on ourselves, or allow family members to "choose" it for us. I wish I'd been stronger, but it crept in....slowly but surely, we went from taking her food shopping and giving her lifts to appointments, to answering "emergency" phone calls from her at 2am, spending nights in A & E for "heart problems" that turned out to be indigestion, leaving our own meals because she was hungry and wanted a sandwich made, NOW. If we didn't drop everything, she phoned my sisters to complain that we were starving her. We involved social services, mental health professionals, her GP practice.....it was all determined to be manipulation. I wanted to smother her with a pillow for years. I wished for her death. I really did. I hated her, in the end. I had a nervous breakdown when she finally died.

Do. Not. Do. It.

YANBU

Do not feel guilty and do not cave into pressure.

Go even lower contact, but before you do, tell her she can fuck off to the Philippines.

Don’t feel guilty, if she’d been a good enough mum you wouldn’t be feeling —so much— like this.

RUN fast and far! Stop feeling guilt.

Definitely go even lower contact indeed. Just unfollow her on social media and put her on Restricted.

@Teenangels that’s sad about your Mum 😢Your mum sounds fabulous! I hope you can do as she requested without feeling guilty 🌷

They have my full authority to shove me under a bus when I become inconvenient

Except they can’t do that, can they? And if you have enjoyed a relatively normal relationship with them, nor would they be happy to do that. Caring is complex. It doesn’t have to mean giving up your life and having the person live with you. It can be as simple as arranging carers and recognising when the time comes to find a home. Presumably you will want someone to be keeping an eye out, even if it is from a distance? Or do you think you are going to manage health issues, increasing frailty and potentially the loss of memory (which is terrifying) all by yourself?

Fuck them all. I'd go nc with all of them. You treat people like shit then you need to accept the consequences.

@SpookilyBadOooooooh
My mum is a wonderful and I love her so much, although at 69 she sometimes doesn’t remember me or know who I am.
People should not expect anyone to care for them, my ex mother in law did and wanted my ex partner to move aboard and look after her, she was told to F-off.
We in this country really need to look into assisted suicide as I know my mum is scared and hates the thought of how she will become.

It's entirely your choice - don't feel guilty. But in your shoes I'd simply not mention it to the rest of the family. No point asking for them to be judgmental . Since your mother doesn't currently need any care, I'd just ignore the subject if it comes up. And frankly, she may never need any care - not every old person does.

I have zero intention of doing this, even as an only child.

I have been last on her list of priorities for a very long time. She’s not doing that to me as well

Guilt is such a wasted emotion OP....you have been singled out by your siblings and mother because they think you are weak and you will accept it and dutifully carry out their wishes.Anything as long as their lives dont get interuppted. Awful mistake they have all made....show em how strong you are and go live your life as planned.Don;t be guilty be angry, be proud that they have underestimated you.

Absolutely don’t look after her. It will ruin your life. Your siblings sound as cruel as you mother. Why would they want to put you through that?

Don’t do it. And I say that as someone who cared for my much loved parents for years. Had we not had that loving bond, I’d have found it very hard. It’s easy to say don’t feel guilty, you will so get some help to come to terms with it now.

Yeah, fuck that. Don't do it.

She has other kids, let them pull the weight, you don’t have to do anything

Please don’t feel guilty, she wasn’t feeling any guilt while you suffered as a result of her abuse...

She will reap what she has sown.

Ignore the flying monkeys, ignore the Facebook shit - in fact, block em and delete them from your friends list.

Ah no you don't owe her anything, you owe yourself and your mental health and your children to keep well away from such a toxic influence.

Mothers who don't nurture and love their children unconditionally cause such immense lifelong damage.

IMO it is usually better for the child to cut/severely limit contact as there can be nothing positive from a parent/child relationship where the parent does not properly love the child.

I speak from the devastating personal experience of a mother who dislikes me and views me with scorn. No contact for me is so much better for my mental health and hell would freeze over before I undertook any care for her.

Of course you shouldn’t.

But at the moment it’s a hypothetical scenario in any case because you said yourself your mother is in good health. There is no guarantee that she will take ill and experience a gradual decline. She may drop dead without warning. That’s what happened to my seemingly perfectly healthy, fighting fit mother.

It would be ludicrous to jettison your own plans for an eventuality that may never come to pass. And even if it does, well, she has other kids she gets on better with than you so she can look to them.

Yanbu. Move and don't look back. If your sisters start moaning calmly state that you are a SAHP to be a carer for your children, you won't be one for a woman who abused you.

And take her off fb and block.

Definitely don’t do it.
There is always one member of the family who is put upon. This member is expected to toe the line and when they do not are made to feel guilty. Don’t be that family member

Sadly I had a difficult Mother and your post made be quite tearful. I hope to be like your Mother with my own child.

@Teenangels Sorry my earlier post was meant for you. I didn't mean the OP's Mother!

Fuck that. She can't seriously expect you to do all that for her after continuously treating you like shit. She can do one.

YANBU. I have nothing to do with my dad, I will never care for him when the time comes. Neither will I ever care or do anything to make things easier for my PIL's. They are toxic and quite frankly inhumane in the way they have treated my children and DH. My kids have multiple health conditions. They respond by saying it isn't serious/BIL has perfect kids/wont visit as my kids are 'difficult'. I'm of the opinion what comes around goes around I'm afraid.

Please don't feel guilty OP. Your mother is reaping what she sowed. She has already caused you a lot of pain and anxiety and you can't let her keep piling more on. Also bear in mind that the more she takes from you, the less you have to give to the family you created.

Of course she will try to shame you and guilt you, but you can rightly say that if she wanted care from you, she should have cared for you.

Your sisters are being selfish, it suits them to guilt you into taking on the responsibility so they don't have to. It's quite possible that they have picked up some of your mother's traits.

Move abroad and don't look back! It's high time you put yourself first.