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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or am I a judgemental bitch?

79 replies

crispysausagerolls · 29/10/2019 08:50

Or am I reasonable but still judgemental?

I have an NCT friend who I like, I do. I think she has taken some seriously stupid risks with her baby, and up until now I have said “ok, not my business”. Eg ironing with her baby in a sling, using the schnuggle baby bath as a seat and putting it on kitchen counter/edge of the bed (ended in a trip to a&e obviously), holding 5m old baby with one hand on her shoulders walking on concrete with another hand full of bags.

BUT...to save time meeting a friend she strapped her baby in the normal adult front seat and drove like that. As in the baby seat was in the back, and she saved about 30 seconds to just put her in the front seat, with no baby seat of any kind. I just..it’s very judgemental of me but this is fucking insane isn’t it? I just can’t help myself I don’t want to spend time with her I don’t understand why someone would do that? But she is such a funny and lovely person! AIBU or am I a horrible person. Would you say something?!

OP posts:
titnomatani · 29/10/2019 11:34

@mamandematribu I would not phone the police or SS if she's a good friend. It would be a shame to lose a friendship over it.

As opposed to (hopefully not) losing a child just because someone is a friend?!.

OP you can anonymously report people. There's a child involved who can't defend themselves involved in the situation. It's going to take a responsible person (clearly not the mother) to stand up for it.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 29/10/2019 13:30

How would people bring this up with her?

Look, I wouldn’t leave my child with her. But I also don’t feel comfortable reporting her, I would just like to mention to her and make her aware of the dangers/understand why she did it I suppose.

OP posts:
recklessruby · 29/10/2019 13:50

Yanbu. I m sure its illegal and if the police saw it she would be stopped.
Depression isnt an excuse. I was depressed after the birth of my son which made me even more concerned with his safety!
Maybe you could start a conversation about driving and how the laws have changed since we were all kids.
Something like "these car seats can be awfully hard to get sorted out. Remember when we were kids and our parents just let us sit in the front with only a seatbelt? You d get pulled over by the police for that now!".
I dont think that sounds like you're blaming her, just reflecting on modern vs past times.
Maybe she doesn't actually know its illegal if its her first baby and she s doing it all for the first time?

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 29/10/2019 13:55

recklessruby

That’s a great idea of how to bring it up, thank you.

It’s just like the “safety” switch in her brain is off. From the beginning she would happily leave her baby on an adult armchair and go to the loo or something in a cafe. To be honest I am absolutely amazed/she has been very very lucky at how few injuries her daughter has suffered.

OP posts:
BarrenFieldofFucks · 29/10/2019 14:00

Car thing is nuts, sling etc fine.

Alicia9999 · 29/10/2019 14:12

I think you just need to bring it up when you see it happening. E.g. if you see her leave her baby on an adult armchair when she goes to the toilet say "ooh gosh let me hold her it's not safe to leave her there" etc

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 29/10/2019 14:15

*sling etc fine

I disagree - ironing a baby in a sling is an accident waiting to happen! Especially with steam etc. But yes the car thing is much worse.

alicia

I always said that! And she’d just say oh no she’s fine!

OP posts:
OnceFreshFish · 29/10/2019 14:18

I'm not sure where the first things lie on the scale of wouldn't do this myself to negligent parenting but the car seat thing is ridiculous. I'd have to say something.

EleanorShellstrop100 · 29/10/2019 14:20

I’d report everything to social services. Reading this genuinely made me feel a bit sick with anxiety.

fussychica · 29/10/2019 14:30

Blimey I'm in my 60s and a new mum at a time of rather less health and safety advice than now and there was no way I would think any of that was safe. The car seat is just insane. As to those who think the ironing with baby in a sling is ok, I burnt my stomach many years ago when stupidly ironing with a bare midriffShock.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 29/10/2019 15:04

I've ironed with kids in the sling before, just never with steam etc.

KarmaStar · 29/10/2019 15:32

Op,you need to contact the children and young person's safeguarding team.
This is an accident waiting to happen.
She should get the help she needs with her mh issues
But more importantly she will be made aware she is being,at the very least,careless with her child's safety.
I think if you fail to act,you will bitterly regret your decision.

HavelockVetinari · 29/10/2019 15:34

OMG @PennyBryn tell me you didn't ever leave your child with her again?! Shock

PennyBryn · 29/10/2019 15:46

Nope, never unsupervised again

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 29/10/2019 15:49

Pennybyrn

Not surprised! Awful!

OP posts:
Nixen · 29/10/2019 15:52

I would report to social services. You’ll never forgive yourself if something happens to the little one and this woman needs a short sharp shock of reality

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 29/10/2019 15:54

But why report rather than talk to her? Surely talking to her would be just as effective but less extreme?

OP posts:
IamWaggingBrenda · 29/10/2019 16:09

I would report her, absolutely. She is either stupid or has no clue and needs a person in authority to talk sense into her.

OopsieDaisyB · 29/10/2019 16:09

I have worked with young children since I was 16. I have done many safeguarding courses, you need to report this. Time and time again in cases of children's deaths it's revealed there were ''missed opportunities" to help the child. Do you really want to risk being one?
That poor baby is defenceless and needs someone to stand up for her and protect her. It's all well and good saying you can talk to her but you say you already have and she says she's fine.
Good friend or not, a baby's health is repeatedly being put at risk. Your duty to protect her outweighs a friendship any day.
Make a list of incidents you remember and report her anonymously. Your friend may not be an uncaring mother but she is a negligent one and that is just as dangerous.

Billben · 29/10/2019 16:10

I don’t consider it judging when you see people doing things that are clearly fucking stupid for anybody with some common sense.
I don’t think I would ever trust a person with anything if they strapped a baby into an adult front seat without a car seat to be honest. That is jaw dropping 😱

Nixen · 29/10/2019 16:14

What’s the point in talking to her? She knows what she is doing is wrong

BeanBag7 · 29/10/2019 16:23

Surely talking to her would be just as effective but less extreme?
It will be less effective because it is less extreme.
You can say something to her and she will nod along and then ignore you / brush it off as you being over protective.
Social services talking to her about it and explaining the consequences (legal and safety) might actually shock her into doing something.

TildaTurnip · 29/10/2019 16:30

You’ve tried talking to her:
I always said that! And she’d just say oh no she’s fine

Hasn’t worked.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 29/10/2019 16:31

She is an idiot. YANBU

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/10/2019 16:33

OP, Ok, if I've misjudged the reason for your thread then I apologise.

The fact remains though, you are are in doubt that this is dangerous, you say so in your first post. So, what are you waiting for exactly? If you're genuinely concerned and truly want to do something about it then do it.

If it were my friend, I'd tell her that in all conscience, I can't stand by and see her do this dangerous things, putting her baby at risk and that, if she doesn't take steps to prevent that risk then I'd report it to people who can help her. I'd be assuming that shes a loving parent and that she wanted her baby and that being devastated 'after the fact' won't bring her baby back or protect it from harm.

If I felt that strongly about it, that's what I'd do OP. You in no doubt in your first post which is why I wondered why you were posting for validation. It's commonsense. Some people don't have that. You know it's happening and she's your friend; you care about her so do something.