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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or am I a judgemental bitch?

79 replies

crispysausagerolls · 29/10/2019 08:50

Or am I reasonable but still judgemental?

I have an NCT friend who I like, I do. I think she has taken some seriously stupid risks with her baby, and up until now I have said “ok, not my business”. Eg ironing with her baby in a sling, using the schnuggle baby bath as a seat and putting it on kitchen counter/edge of the bed (ended in a trip to a&e obviously), holding 5m old baby with one hand on her shoulders walking on concrete with another hand full of bags.

BUT...to save time meeting a friend she strapped her baby in the normal adult front seat and drove like that. As in the baby seat was in the back, and she saved about 30 seconds to just put her in the front seat, with no baby seat of any kind. I just..it’s very judgemental of me but this is fucking insane isn’t it? I just can’t help myself I don’t want to spend time with her I don’t understand why someone would do that? But she is such a funny and lovely person! AIBU or am I a horrible person. Would you say something?!

OP posts:

seaweedandmarchingbands · 29/10/2019 10:02

I get confused on here. People seem keen enough to report things but there’s very often a reluctance to report it via the appropriate channel: SS. This isn’t a matter for the HV (who is there to assist the parent with matters of health) or the GP(!). It’s neglect, which means SS.

Simkin · 29/10/2019 10:04

The very next time you see her doing something like this you need to tell her. It's no good being worried about getting into trouble, this kid needs help.

There are all sort of reasons why she might be behaving like this. Most of them are nothing to do with being a negligent monster but whatever it is THE KID NEEDS HELP.

PickUpThePieces · 29/10/2019 10:06

It’s one thing being a laid back parent and quite another compromising the safety of your baby.
I struggle to see how in the circumstances you’ve described no one instinctively reacted and intervened ?

Is it possible to have a supportive conversation with her about safety issues ?
It may be that she genuinely doesn’t see or understand risk but it’s not ok to be aware there’s an issue and not do something to help.
This would be an area where the health visitor could provide additional support and information.

Or as you’re part of an NCT group, could you organise a talk about the toddler years and child safety ?

titnomatani · 29/10/2019 10:09

She's an idiot that needs talking to or reporting. She's unnecessarily putting her baby at risk because of her laziness.

WotchaTalkinBoutWillis · 29/10/2019 10:10

I was all for saying butt out, not your business, but for that, I'd definitely have to say something, I wouldn't be able to keep out!
YANBU

Passthecherrycoke · 29/10/2019 10:11

I agree with @seaweedandmarchingbands if you’re going to report at least do it properly

Is she British? In lots of countries car safety is very different to here

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/10/2019 10:19

To be honest, OP, I'm baffled that you'd even need to ask. You know these things are wrong and dangerous.

I think you just want everybody on the thread to give your 'lovely' friend the slapping that you feel you can't because you don't have the courage of your convictions. I won't oblige and I don't think you're much of a friend really.

PickUpThePieces · 29/10/2019 10:22

A huge part of a health visitors role is safeguarding which this definitely comes under.
The health visitor should at least know this family as the child is still so young.
I’d start there.

mamandematribu · 29/10/2019 10:25

My goodness!! But I suppose at least she actually strapped the child in before driving.

PavlovaFaith · 29/10/2019 10:25

I'd go to social services about this. Possibly even the police actually. Her baby could die in her care.

Passthecherrycoke · 29/10/2019 10:25

Why not SS though? The HV idea always seems daft to me. It’s hard enough to get hold of my own HV, what I have to do is phone a central number, leave a message and hope
Someone calls me sometimes they do, and without fail, they tell me to attend a clinic to see someone. So what would a HV service do in this case? Phone SS for you?

PurpleFlower1983 · 29/10/2019 10:31

I would report it to social services.

Sicario · 29/10/2019 10:31

I know a woman who makes her kids ride in the boot so she doesn't have to pay for them when entering attractions or boarding the ferry.

Bowerbird5 · 29/10/2019 10:32

For goodness sake just talk to her!

PavlovaFaith · 29/10/2019 10:35

@Sicario and you've reported this? If someone went into the back or her car, the children could die!

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/10/2019 10:39

How on earth are there 4% of people saying yabu? I know 1% can be a mistake but the other 3??

If you see her doing it, I would report her.

BreatheAndFocus · 29/10/2019 10:42

YANBU - she’s breaking the law with regard to the car travel.

I’d speak to someone. Health visitor? Police? If it was a one-off perhaps it would be worth speaking to her but she seems to have a history of making bad decisions so who’s to say she’d just listen to you, nod enthusiastically - and carry on endangering her child.

Passthecherrycoke · 29/10/2019 10:43

Don’t you just pay by the car for the ferry? We always used to travel in the boots as children 😭 very 80s

I think people have got to be realistic about what reporting will entail. At best, someone will come out and talk to the mum and she’ll be so terrified/ humiliated she won’t do it again. But just because someone persists in doing things like this, it doesn’t mean they haven’t been reported previously. “Someone told me that she strapped her child into the front seat” isn’t really very solid and until she’s caught doing it (maybe multiple times) it’s not really going to be taken that seriously.

Which is why I don’t think the round the houses HV stuff is going to help much

Original poster

crispysausagerolls · 29/10/2019 10:47

Today 10:19 LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

The other people who know about this don’t seem quite as outraged, that’s the thing. So I really wanted to know if it’s as bad as I feel it is, and then, I suppose, what to do.

OP posts:

tempnamechange98765 · 29/10/2019 10:48

Oh my is, YANBU!!!! That is absolutely hideous. Is she all there?!

lborgia · 29/10/2019 10:59

Without wishing to put the cat among the pigeons, I’ve been following the “living with a partner with Aspergers’ thread in Relationships, and one of the things that really resonates with me is that some of the posters cannot leave their other half’s because they don’t trust them with shared custody because they truly have no concept of danger. My own DH used to really scare me with his bafflement about why I would get in a flap about toddlers round the pool without water wings etc... it’s a huge issue for a very small number of people, but worth considering there might be yet another reason.. None of this is a reason not to report it, but it might be helpful for SS to check that she realises that she is being dangerous, because it might actually not occur to her. If in other ways she is very fond of her baby, and there’s no sign of coldness, wanting to be somewhere other than the baby etc. Oh, and depression isn’t a reason for putting your baby in danger generally. Drepssion is extremely common in both diagnosed and undiagnosed ASD though.

Original poster

crispysausagerolls · 29/10/2019 11:18

I don’t really want to report it - she’s my friend, it feels extremely unkind.

I would rather talk to her about it directly, but I don’t know what to say.

OP posts:

SheBloodyNameChangedAgain · 29/10/2019 11:21

But she is such a funny and lovely person

Someone who constantly puts her baby's life at risk, could never be described like this in my mind. For that, YABU

mamandematribu · 29/10/2019 11:21

@crispysausagerolls I would not phone the police or SS if she's a good friend. It would be a shame to lose a friendship over it.

PopGoesTheWeaz · 29/10/2019 11:27

Gosh, when I started reading this I thought it was going to be another overprotective cotton wool is the only way mum spitting vinegar, but man, even when we were kids our parents wouldn't dream of putting a baby in the front seat of the car with no car seat. That's batshit crazy and I agree with others that you should gauge if she understands if it's dangerous or not.

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