AIBU to feel resentful of my second child

[FuriousR]

I have two boys and, although I was a bit shell-shocked after the first, I really enjoyed the first few years of motherhood. We had a great time with our older boy, I was getting on well at work and was promoted and we bought a business with a view to running it together over the next 10-15 years. I was spinning 2-3 times a week and we had very helpful in-laws so we had decent time to ourselves too. I remember thinking 'maybe we shouldn't have a second baby, this is so great and I'm so happy' but did it anyway.

This is probably the point to emphasise that I realise I am lucky to have two healthy boys, a loving husband etc. Life isn't one long stream of happiness and there are bumps and obstacles,many worse than what happened to me.

However, I'm miserable. I have moderate to severe pelvic organ prolapse and levator avulsion after my second baby. I'm managing with a pessary but the physio has said I may have to reconsider my fairly physical job. It also looks like I probably have a connective tissue disorder and therefore my chances of surgery working are slim. I'm 34. My mother, as it turns out, had four rounds of prolapse surgery and became so depressed she had a breakdown and divorced my father. She says the prolapse ruined her life.

I'm managing - I take daily laxatives, splint to defecate with a footstool to help, wear a pessary, don't run or jump or lift anything unnecessary. I'm just totally miserable. It's been 9 months and I know my prognosis isn't good and I just feel so defective and like so much has been taken from me. I quit my previous job and will be working for my husband but not in the managerial, senior capacity I was before this.

To return to the title, i look at my beautiful second boy and I just feel empty. My mum never bonded with her second child who 'caused' her prolapse (my brother) and they have little to do with each other now.

I don't know how to move forward. I was sick for 7 months of both pregnancies and worked full time and managed by looking forward to getting my body back, exercising and planning for the future. I feel so stuck.

Thanks for reading.

You don't have to have the same (lack of) relationship your mum has with your brother. You understand why you feel disconnected from your son now, so I guess you also understand that since he didn't choose to create your problems you need to find a way to connect with him away from the resentment. I had a hard time connecting with one of my children for other reasons and have turned a lot of that around by purposefully spending alone time with him, cuddling him, doing things that make him feel loved. By him responding well to that, I felt more positive towards him as well and now I like him so much better. It's not fair you're left with these problems but it's up to you to make sure they don't define your relationship with him.

Please get some counselling.

And stop even thinking about the worse things that happen to others - this is about you, your life, your body and your happiness. You used your body to create human beings and it's taken it's toll, don't think you need to minimise it, because it is a huge deal.

You have clearly achieved a great deal in your 34 years so I firmly believe that with some talking therapy, you can overcome your current obstacles too and not go down the same road as your poor mum did.

All the best

Sounds like a lot going on at once. New baby, changes to relationship with DS1 that comes with that, prolapse, restricted exercise options, changing job.

Think you need to separate out each issue into manageable chunks. Maybe get a bit of paper and write a mindmap of everything that's stressful or negative, 1 bubble for each issue then brainstorm steps to take for each. Put a time frame around each so you don't try to do too much at once.

Sounds awful and I feel for you with the prolapse, but it is not your child's fault. You decided to have your second child, you made the conscious decision to bring him into the world.

You have seen first hand what could happen with your mother and your brother.

Only you can ensure that history doesn't repeat itself. See the Dr, talk to the health visitor, get counselling. Whatever you need to do. But you cannot blame or resent your son for simply being born.

Oh and our sex life is non-existent. I have minimal sensation down there and I'm so self conscious that I just lie there clenching my pelvic floor to try and provide some sensation for him but he coukd literally be sticking it in my ear for all the pleasure it provides. I love him so much and want to have sex for his sake but he's got wind of this now and is struggling to enjoy it too.

That sounds really really difficult to deal with, I'm so sorry. However the birth injuries you suffered could probably have happened when you had your first baby, just as easily. I know it must be hard, but try not to look at your 2nd child & see him as the source of your reduced physical health. For your own peace of mind, & relationship with (potentially both) your children, you need to try to separate the idea of the baby from the injuries /aftereffects you've experienced.

FWIW - I had a hideous pregnancy & difficult birth, partly due to a chronic illness I suffer from. Prior to pregnancy, it had been reasonably well under control but since then it has escalated & developed new aspects which have made my life much more difficult. I am now unable to work (at present - I hope that I may eventually be able to work but who knows). My illness is partially triggered by hormonal changes so the pregnancy was undoubtedly a factor. However I've worked very hard to accept that DD didn't cause it. I admit, I really struggled to bond with her at first but she's the light of my life now. I really do sympathise & understand how difficult it can be to feel this way. Take it easy on yourself.

Of course you aren't going to enjoy sex! Jesus! You are ill. Ypu say you might have a connective tissue disorder - do you? Just because surgery didnt work for your mum doesn't mean it won't work for you. Things have imptoved a lot.

That sounds awful for you, OP. I think your feelings are so understandable, I echo a PP - can you seek counselling to help to come to terms with it all?

This sounds so difficult for you OP

I would second counselling and also looking into the various surgical options. Thinks are hugely different since your Mum has issues. A friend of mine had similar issues and the surgery was (in her words) so life changing she sobbed with gratitude

On a side note, have you sorted contraception for now just in case as clear another pregnancy would definitely be an issue for you?

'Things' and 'had' sorry - autocorrect!

Do you have eds? Is there anything helpful on their support group. I know a lot of parents with hypermobility struggle

Thank you all for the responses so far. All very sensible stuff. I have been offered counselling by my excellent GP but I've always been a 'suck it up and soldier on' sort of person. Not that you could ascertain that from the morning pity-party that prompted this thread. I think I've just cracked. Maybe it would be in the interests of everyone if I made some effort to sort myself out before it gets as bad as it was with my mum. She was not a fun person to be around when we were growing up and I'm currently not speaking to her after I said I was angry she'd not warned me about my family history of prolapse (her, auntie, grandma) and she sent me a horrible email saying I'd 'given myself' a connective tissue disorder due to previous anorexia issues at uni. To respond on the connective tissue stuff, I'm under the care of genetics and have had an initial assessment which was very suggestive but many of these issues are hard to put a diagnostic label on unless you have classical ehrler danlos/hypermobility. I have so many other markers, however (hernias, varicose veins, extreme myopia - ho ho, probably of the ocular and mental varieties given current behaviour -, dental crowding, flat feet, no stretch marks, rapid births...)

I need to, ironically, stay off Google and spend more time actually in the moment with the children. I know it doesn't have to be the same as the situation with my mother but it feels a bit inescapable on the grumpy days.

I sympathise, OP. Don't really have much useful advice but I hope that modern medicine can do something for you. Pregnancy really can ruin our bodies... the impact thereof can be devastating. The only reminder of my pregnancy is a slight sag and stretchmarks here, and I feel utterly annoyed with that.

OTOH, I can't help but feel for your baby. Children need to feel they're a joy for their parents. The thought of a little one being rejected and resented makes me feel so uncomfortable and sad.

Sorry, by 'sort myself out' I meant counselling. I know it would be sensible. I just feel weird about discussing my vagina with them (even though I'm not shy or squeamish) and worried about how they'd react to all the gory stuff.

How old is he?

Sorry you are going through this.

I've nothing sympathy for you OP. I'm echoing others advice to seek counselling.

While you feel like you've hit rock bottom now, at least you're recognising the feelings of resentment towards your son. It's a step in the right direction. Spend as much quality time with him as you can, nurture the relationship. You have the power to not let history repeat itself

Sorry- nothing but sympathy for you!

How old is your son? And were you/are you breastfeeding? I had/have a prolapse following my second birth. It improved significantly after around a year. Yours is clearly a worse situation but it may still get better with time. I read somewhere that it takes around 2.5 years for your body to return.

Have you been having physio? There are some good support groups on Facebook if you’re on there.

I was quite depressed in the period that I had significant symptoms and couldn’t carry my boys or run or walk far. I was very resentful of the fact I had chosen to have a vbac which caused it. I fortunately didn’t have issues bonding with my second boy. Sadly he died recently and this post partum stuff all seems like a distant memory, life did feel very hard then but of course not compared to now. I hope that your physical issues improve soon and your are able to enjoy your boys.

This all sounds very, very difficult to cope with, OP. I'm sorry it happened to you and is restricting your life at present. It isn't fair. But it's a matter oif absolute urgency that you stop projecting this on your poor baby and find a way forward to rebuild your relationship with him. I think that should include therapy (as opposed to counselling). You can be a 'soldier on' person all you like when the only one it affects is yourself, but this is about your boy's whole life. It sounds as if you didn't have an easy time with your mother, but I am imagining it was a whole lot worse for your brother. You seem aware of where your mother went wrong, but (currently) not really putting up much resistance to going down that path yourself.

WhineUp is spot on: 'Children need to feel they're a joy for their parents. The thought of a little one being rejected and resented makes me feel so uncomfortable and sad.' Make sure you get access to all the services that might be able to help repair your birth injuries, but please focus also on your relationship with your son, via private therapy if there's money for it.

Op - listen to woman's hour - they were discussing post-partum colorectal issues the other day. GPs receive very little training in the subject, if any, but according to the discussion, there will be a hospital hub near you treating these sorts of disorders with a consultant and a specialist physio nurse. The treatments/management plans are out there but you have to be dogged and fight to get the help. Good luck.

It's reasonable to be upset about a complicated prolapse.

Have you said all this to your GP? There might be support for your completely reasonable emotional reaction to a crappy situation you are in.

You'll have to manage your prolapse for life, that takes a bit of getting your head round.

Re. the sex, you need to be honest with him. And then probably put penetrative sex off the agenda for a year, at least. And find other things to do that you can both enjoy, when you feel like it.

Find a good therapist to talk about this.

You know it's not your child's fault, of course, but your feelings are there.

My sister was born after my mother lost her own father and my father went through a depression, and, even though my parents love her, they've never treated her in the same way as they treated me (there's always been a sort of internal distance that persists to this day).

Find help. You and your child deserve it. And I don't think you can deal with this on your own - you need professional support.

I remember thinking 'maybe we shouldn't have a second baby, this is so great and I'm so happy' but did it anyway.

I don’t want kids so don’t really get the drive to do it. But can someone please explain this to me because I see so many of our friends doing the same thing.
One kid and everyone’s happy, but they ALWAYS go on to have a second and then are visibly less happy/more stressed.
Is it social pressure to have two? Is it to provide a sibling to the first? I feel so many people acting like it’s not really a choice. It is!

Have you heard of Jilly Bonds?
Change your Google search to a YouTube search, she's got some great clips.