AIBU to feel resentful of my second child

[FuriousR]

I have two boys and, although I was a bit shell-shocked after the first, I really enjoyed the first few years of motherhood. We had a great time with our older boy, I was getting on well at work and was promoted and we bought a business with a view to running it together over the next 10-15 years. I was spinning 2-3 times a week and we had very helpful in-laws so we had decent time to ourselves too. I remember thinking 'maybe we shouldn't have a second baby, this is so great and I'm so happy' but did it anyway.

This is probably the point to emphasise that I realise I am lucky to have two healthy boys, a loving husband etc. Life isn't one long stream of happiness and there are bumps and obstacles,many worse than what happened to me.

However, I'm miserable. I have moderate to severe pelvic organ prolapse and levator avulsion after my second baby. I'm managing with a pessary but the physio has said I may have to reconsider my fairly physical job. It also looks like I probably have a connective tissue disorder and therefore my chances of surgery working are slim. I'm 34. My mother, as it turns out, had four rounds of prolapse surgery and became so depressed she had a breakdown and divorced my father. She says the prolapse ruined her life.

I'm managing - I take daily laxatives, splint to defecate with a footstool to help, wear a pessary, don't run or jump or lift anything unnecessary. I'm just totally miserable. It's been 9 months and I know my prognosis isn't good and I just feel so defective and like so much has been taken from me. I quit my previous job and will be working for my husband but not in the managerial, senior capacity I was before this.

To return to the title, i look at my beautiful second boy and I just feel empty. My mum never bonded with her second child who 'caused' her prolapse (my brother) and they have little to do with each other now.

I don't know how to move forward. I was sick for 7 months of both pregnancies and worked full time and managed by looking forward to getting my body back, exercising and planning for the future. I feel so stuck.

Thanks for reading.

Counselling counselling and counselling!
Plus having a look at other options than what 'regular' treatments can offer you.

Remember that your dc2 did NOT create your prolapse. Other women have two dcs wo having any. Having anpither child might have been a TRIGGER. But he isnt the CAUSE (see the fact you have other issues going on with connective tossues he has nothing to do with)

OP, there are specialist counsellors for birth trauma, post-natal issues, etc.

www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/for-parents/counsellors-therapists - just as an example. I'm sure there are plenty more. Maybe try BACUP or similar to look for a suitable therapist/counsellor?

You're doing great by recognising the issues and asking for help - often that's the hardest step.

Wishing you all the best.

Please don’t do this to your ds. My health was completely ruined because of having my beautiful dd. She knows I was healthy prepregnancy and how ill I am now. She doesn’t feel responsible in any way because she isn’t. It’s just bloody bad luck. If anything you should be really pissed off with your mother for not discussing her health issues.

As for your health, don’t take what the gps or nhs basic physios as gospel. Investigate. Use savings and forgo holidays to get private specialist care if you cannot get referred.

Oh and get decent therapy. The get on with it line is bullshit especially if coming from a man.

I'm so sorry you do sound very miserable and you've had to cope with some devastating physical injuries.

What I would advise is to shut your mother's voice out of your head. Just because her life collapsed as a result of a similar trauma does NOT mean that yours will. Just because she didn't bond with a second child does NOT mean you won't bond with your son. Also treatments have improved and your outcome may be much much better than hers.

It sounds like you have a supportive husband and in laws who can step in and so that's a solid support network to build on. It's still comparatively early days. Counselling really does sound like a good idea, not least as it seems this is stirring up a lot of feelings about your mother and her relationship towards her children. History really doesn't have to repeat itself. If you can get that clear in your head you may find it easier to cope and feel hopeful about the future. Best of luck

@ShipShapeandBristolFashion this really isn't the thread on which to indulge your idle curiousity about the nature of motherhood

Maybe start your own thread so you're not pissing all over the thoughts of a distressed OP.

Oh OP that sounds so shit 😔

I wonder. Is it worth looking to see what’s available privately? I know sometimes we get caught up with what the NHS can provide and actually if you look beyond the NHS the surgical options are often much wider ranging with a good prognosis.

For example I’ve been left with nasty piles post DS2. It makes me very self conscious during sex, particularly if DP starts heading down south 😬. I went to the doctor and was told there was pretty much nothing on offer. However privately I could sort it out. This makes me feel much better about it weirdly. Even though right now I can live with the situation, if it worsens I know I can sort it, even if it means sticking it on a credit card.

I think mentally we always feel better if we think there’s a solution. Even if we can’t currently afford the solution, it’s good to know it’s there.

Please seek counselling and also speak to your HV. In our area they have more perinatal service some of which could help with your bond with your DS2.

I understand given your history with your Mum your feeling that things may always be this way but they really won’t if you get the right help. For 15 months I felt nothing for my DS2, he’s the love of my life now and brightens every day. We are so close despite no bond at all through pregnancy and until he was 18 months

Please do get help for yourself.

Think it through logically. Your DS didn’t ask to be born and he didn’t cause your underlying medical condition. Neither of you could foresee this outcome. So he is not to blame; no one is to blame. Not him: not you.

You are understandably resentful and angry about how your life has changed but it is not fair to project that anger onto your DS or yourself. Please see about some counselling to talk through and process your feelings.

Half term is when we meet up with people outside of school, perhaps this is the case here too?

If you're actively seeking adult company, can you arrange an adult night cinema trip, drinks etc.

I second listening to the Woman's Hour programme - you can get it via Podcast apps or BBC Sounds. That could give you some ammunition to ask for help.

There are more possibilities than in your mother's day.
You also need some counselling - certainly a lot of the psychologists around me advertise that they offer help for those who have had medical issues.

@acquiescence I'm so sorry about your son

@FuriousR

OMG bless your heart. AND your wee boys too. Both of them.

It's perfectly understandable to feel this way, and you do love your second son deep down.

Is there absolutely NOTHING that can be done? Have you sought options or possibilities of maybe having corrective surgery? I feel like women (and their issues and problems) are overlooked SO much, and SO badly. And birth injuries are very real, more common than people think, and it seems like women are just made to suck it up, and accept that this is 'their lot' in life now.

Please go see a doctor and DEMAND to be seen by a specialist. Even if you have to PAY to go private, (I think it's around £5K but I am happy to be corrected,) it would be worth it, to get this sorted. You're such a young woman. Please don't let your life be ruined like your mother's was.

Also agree with people that you need to get counselling, but it's equally important to see if you can get the problem fixed!

Take care of yourself, your lovely husband, and your gorgeous sons.

FuriousR I have no words of advice. However, you can still plan for the future. A little bit at a time or as my family say, baby steps. You sound like a wonderful person and a very loving mother. Despite your problems, you are being very brave and sensible. You have my admiration and respect. My thoughts and prayers go out to you.
I don’t intend to be patronising, sorry if it comes across that way.

Bless you, you poor thing. You've been through a lot. The health issues alone are a lot to handle plus everything else. Please try not to worry that the relationship your mum and brother have will be what you have. Please get some therapy because you sound really unhappy (which is completely understandable). Be kind to yourself, give yourself a break and talk to a therapist/councellor. When we get physically sick, we see a doctor - mental health just as important. Praying against fears, praying for healing and hope to flourish.

Hi OP, I didn't want to read and run as I can relate to alot of what you have said and want you to know you're not alone.

I'm 25 and 6 months PP with my second, I have a "moderate" prolapse too. This, coupled with a scary birth trauma, has caused me to feel very similarly to how you do.

I saw a urogyno and had one NHS physio appointment where she graded the prolapse and gave me a PFE exercise plan, I was told there is a good chance things will improve - though I'm not overly optimistic myself as I don't see how PFE can lift things back into place iykwim.

Sorry I can't be of more help as I'm very much where you are at the moment, but just wanted to offer some solidarity as I know only too well what a lonely place it can be when you're juggling motherhood/relationships and dealing with birth injuries

Following this thread with interest

Just to add, I had a thread on here when I discovered the prolapse and received lots of really good advice from other posters with their own experience including some really good suggestions for things that can and have helped. I'll link it here so you can scroll through the comments when you have time

All the best

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3605803-To-ask-if-you-have-or-had-a-prolapse-after-birth-Im-25-and-mortified

Have you been offered an appointment with a specially trained midwife? Can't remember what they call them, but it's a kind of debrief. I had a terrible birth with my first and suffered terribly afterwards and never been the same since. I refused to see them at the time but when pregnant with my second I was so terrified they suggested again and I can't say it helped, but it helped me understand my problems.
I'm so sorry you are going through this, it is not spoken about enough, and there is not enough support for the all the issues and incontinence suffered in silence by so many women. It's understandable you have struggled to bond with your baby because of all you are suffering, and I think counselling would be good to help you connect with your baby, and move your resentment away from him.
How much does your husband understand of your problems? Is there more he could do to help and support you? I know most exercise is a no go, but would swimming me ok? Please don't let this ruin your life, easier said than done I know! But keep going, make a nuisance of yourself at the doctor's and hopefully you can get the diagnosis and treatment you need to help

Just remembered, it was called birth reflections. It is a kind of counselling but with a trained midwife that can read your notes and explain things to you. They will understand your problems and emotions a lot more than an ordinary counsellor. Good luck

Please have therapy OP, I had terrible birth injuries with my DC and couldn’t have any more and don’t have a sex life either. But I have a lovely bond with my child and don’t resent them at all. My DH understands and we are still together despite lack of sex. You need some help psychologically with this issue. Good luck.

@acquiescence I'm so sorry for your loss.

I really appreciate all the practical and emotional support.

@3ll3nor it's such a shock, isn't it? Mine was getting better but now it's suddenly got worse and I don't understand why. I think it tipped me over the edge. Both the front and back are protruding and my urethral prolapse is worse. I just hate living like this. I know it could be worse but I don't think I can be happy as I am. To those who have asked about surgery - the two factors that make it very likely the surgery will fail (potentially leaving you worse off, in pain or incontinent) are connective tissue issues (weak tissue that is hard to repair and just goes again) and damage to the levator muscles (80% failure rate for anterior prolapse even without weak tissue problems). So unless someone comes up with a better solution, I'm stuck like this. The pessary was working well but as the prolapse has worsened, it's not really working. It's half the life I had. Every kilo the baby gains is a kilo more downward pressure on my pelvic floor so I don't carry him anywhere. I used to take my older son all over, even up a mountain or two, in the sling. Maybe it's time to speak seriously, as suggested, to the gp. It's just not like have a broken leg - no one wants to hear about your vagina. I'm a vet and I've only ever wanted to be a vet and my job is so important to me and a big part of my identity. Sorry, just struggling to manage today. I'm supposed to be starting at our practice in a couple of weeks - this was our dream, our own vet practice that we could run together the way we wanted to until we retired. I'm sorry for being so miserable.

OP I am so sorry you are going through this difficult time. Your health is one thing which we all can associate with as mothers who have gave birth. YANBU For that. You truly need help to recover quickly. As for resenting your dear boy it's just not the little boy has done this. Your mother went through the same as you are going through now. I found it extremely difficult to bond with my DS1 as I was on heparin in hospital for 2 1/2 month after he was born it's a difficult situation you are in but when you look at your son try and not pass the blame on as he is your son who came from you with love not to hurt you or make you feel bad. Talking therapy doesn't alway's work if you have opinions. I think when you have sorted your own health out then your relationship with your son will sort itself out.
PLEASE GET HELP FOR YOU
ASK YOUR GP EVERYDAY UNTIL YOU HAVE THE HELP YOU NEED.

Huge hugs OP, you're going through an awful lot. Important to be aware of and remember that counselling wouldn't actually be about your vagina though, it's your feelings towards your body and your son since his birth. Pushing your feelings down or away, and suppressing them won't help, and will lead to those feelings festering away. Talking them through, acknowledging them and getting support will help.

Please do look into support via your GP/IAPT/privately if you can afford it.

oP. You talk about being a soldier on person. Counselling is not a weak option. It is to enable you to deal properly with what is hurting you so that you can be a good and caring parent. And so that you can find happiness again.

I think you are in danger of becoming convinced that you will be like your mother. But you are not your mother and you have the wisdom to look for ways to be different.

Hi all, thanks again for the support today. I've made an appointment to see my GP tomorrow, I've spent the afternoon just relaxing with the boys and playing with them rather than stomping round some outdoor activity (I get very fidgety on mat leave and tend to want to be somewhere different every day but relentless trips to farm parks etc are draining my bank account and making it hard to rest my busted vagina) and I'll try to keep a more positive mindset. I just need to think of a career I'd like as much as vetting - I was finally getting really confident and relaxed at work at the ten year mark. I hate sitting down but I'm sure there's something I could turn my hand to... Thank you all again for the support.