AIBU to feel resentful of my second child

[FuriousR]

I have two boys and, although I was a bit shell-shocked after the first, I really enjoyed the first few years of motherhood. We had a great time with our older boy, I was getting on well at work and was promoted and we bought a business with a view to running it together over the next 10-15 years. I was spinning 2-3 times a week and we had very helpful in-laws so we had decent time to ourselves too. I remember thinking 'maybe we shouldn't have a second baby, this is so great and I'm so happy' but did it anyway.

This is probably the point to emphasise that I realise I am lucky to have two healthy boys, a loving husband etc. Life isn't one long stream of happiness and there are bumps and obstacles,many worse than what happened to me.

However, I'm miserable. I have moderate to severe pelvic organ prolapse and levator avulsion after my second baby. I'm managing with a pessary but the physio has said I may have to reconsider my fairly physical job. It also looks like I probably have a connective tissue disorder and therefore my chances of surgery working are slim. I'm 34. My mother, as it turns out, had four rounds of prolapse surgery and became so depressed she had a breakdown and divorced my father. She says the prolapse ruined her life.

I'm managing - I take daily laxatives, splint to defecate with a footstool to help, wear a pessary, don't run or jump or lift anything unnecessary. I'm just totally miserable. It's been 9 months and I know my prognosis isn't good and I just feel so defective and like so much has been taken from me. I quit my previous job and will be working for my husband but not in the managerial, senior capacity I was before this.

To return to the title, i look at my beautiful second boy and I just feel empty. My mum never bonded with her second child who 'caused' her prolapse (my brother) and they have little to do with each other now.

I don't know how to move forward. I was sick for 7 months of both pregnancies and worked full time and managed by looking forward to getting my body back, exercising and planning for the future. I feel so stuck.

Thanks for reading.

What kinds of veterinary practice are you interested in?

It certainly is a shock lovely, too often women aren't prepared for things like this (me for example) as despite having already had a child I had not the first clue about the risk of prolapse.

I can also relate to the fear you've mentioned about every kilo your baby gains is more weight being put on your pelvic floor. I have two under 2 (which is undoubtedly a huge factor in my prolapse, aswell as being genetically predisposed as my mother suffered from it too) and I get quite anxious about the fact they require alot of lifting. It's unavoidable isn't it

I've been pretty much told that surgery won't be an option for me, partly because of my age and the fact I may not have "completed my family" which I bloody have but I've also read alot about the surgery failing and women needing to go through the op and recovery more than once, which doesn't sound appealing to me.

I'm part of a really supportive Facebook group with 13k members who are all fab and can offer support, advice and experience. It's called Association for pelvic organ prolapse support (APOPS) and they've been so helpful and reassuring when I've bad questions and worries. Alot of the women there have had the surgery and had varied outcomes, whilst many have decided for various reasons that it's not for them and share their own tips / wisdom on making things a little more bearable.

Please don't beat yourself up about the current lack of bond with your youngest, it's very common even among mum's who don't have significant birth injuries to deal with on top of being postnatal. If it helps, I'm starting to fall in love with my DD more and more as time goes on. You will get there, I promise.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria - small animal, no large. My husband bought me a table that goes up and down which might help. I can sit to consult. It's the busy Friday night when the receptionist and nurse are both on the phone and an elderly lady shows up with three chunky cats in baskets or a collapsed dog and they need me to carry it.... I can mitigate a lot but it is scary enough going back to work after mat leave, to a new practice, to work for and with my husband (we're quite competitive at work!) and with the constant fear of making the prolapse worse. If I need to start carving out an alternative career, I want it to be something with longevity and no health issues. I've tried research and hated the sedentary nature and lack of client and animal contact but maybe it's time to reconsider. My mum was a researcher and lecturer in a very niche field with my dad and she walked away entirely after the divorce and ended up in a jobs she hated. She is very bright (managed a Cambridge PhD after being kicked out by her parents at 16yo) and never got over that either! Writing this very therapeutic thread has reminded me how things don't happen in isolation, there's always fall-out. I don't want my children to be fall-out the way we were although I really understand her now in a way I never thought I would.

3ll3nor - I'm so sorry you're in the same boat. I think the whole area is so poorly supported and understood. They were pushing mesh until it became apparent that it crippled an unacceptably high number of women and now they have flipped back to conservative management but without proper, comprehensive peripheral services to help you live with it e.g competent pessary advice (not met anyone in the nhs yet who knows as much about pessaries as I do!), rectocele help to avoid worsening things (pooping is my nemesis), lifestyle and exercise advice to help with unavoidable lifting etc. The services I've encountered are mainly aimed at women substantially older without day to day childcare responsibilities and manual jobs. I told one male doctor who was particularly patronising ('you're delightfully feminine about this, I don't think men care about bowel trouble' and 'what really is the issue (with having an immovable bit of poo stuck up my bum and more passing downwards with every snack or meal throughout the day to the point I stopped eating in the day)' that if one day his prostate blew up and he was pissing himself and unable to shit and walking with discomfort that I hoped he'd look back on how he spoke to female gynae patients. I'm a terrible patient.

You're a brilliant patient, he needed to hear that. These are perfectly valid points and he sounds like a dick.

sounds like you have a good handle on making work adaptations. Trolley for moving animals from the waiting room?

And, see how it goes, lots of prolapses change as you get further away from post partum. Fingers crossed for you.

Would something like this work for lifting animals?

www.mobile-scissor-tables.co.uk/product-tag/hydraulic-lifting-trolley-cart/

Thanks, I think my husband was looking for something like that so hopefully it will help. I'll just have to behave as I did pregnant and hope people aren't annoyed as I appear perfectly capable on the outside. We've had a good morning - took DS 1 and 2 to the river to ride bigger one's bike and going to spend a little time with DS2 this afternoon. Haven't been to any classes with him at all so going to book a couple of bits before I go back to work.

I am glad you are sounding a bit more positive. You will find a path through this but you are also allowed to be utterly pissed off that it has happened and that nobody is offering you viable solutions yet.

@FuriousR, I would have a look at acupuncture and nutrition to help with your symptoms.
Ive never had issues as severe as yours but i know they helped my my own propalse/incontinence. The way i looked at it, ensuring that my body was at the best place for healing made the healing easier iyswim.

Your consultant was attrocious! Well done to have put him right!

You sound a little brighter today OP.

I hope this reassures you - I got injured badly whilst pregnant with DC2, not gynae but I'm looking at lifelong pain and restrictions to my mobility, it has seriously reduced my options in terms of career progression as well. When my son was tiny I looked at him and felt nothing, I remember thinking "I don't think I even love you". But I did really, it was just buried under pain, exhaustion, fear, the shock of a whole new outlook on life. I forced myself to do the whole 'fake it til you make it' thing, I made myself hold him, massage him, sing to him, read stories, tell stupid nursery rhymes etc then one day before I knew it I was able to feel the love I had for him. And he's an absolute delight.

One more point - apologies if you can't do this but would your prolapse preclude you from baby swimming? The water will support his weight so you could perhaps hold him more comfortably? Its a lovely bonding activity where you're forced to give them your full attention. If that's a stupid idea then tell me to piss off.

I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. The birth of my second dc triggered a chronic illness and I resented her for the way my life changed for a long time. She has just turned 4 and it’s the first birthday that she’s had where I actually celebrated her birthday rather than seeing it as the anniversary of how my life changed and what I lost having her.

In the early days when I was sorting out treatment plans it felt like I’d never get back to any sense of normality. Four years on I manage my condition well and though there are still things I can’t do I am generally fulfilled and have adapted.

Please give it time. If you can’t feel genuine love and affection for your dc then pretend. Show him affection and do as much as you can with him. Eventually you will probably find that you feel as bonded to him as you do with your first. Mainly, be kind to yourself.

Thank you all for your experiences - I'm sorry to hear of your health issues @QueenWhatevs and @thisisthetime. It's good to know you adapted and your relationships with your babies grew. He loves water so baby swimming is a good idea - will look and see what we can do. My husband is going to have one day a week off so that's great and would facilitate swimming with DS2. He really is the easiest baby in the world too which has helped loads.