To end my marriage, even though it’s ok ish.

[Loveisnotavictorymarch]

I’ve looked through threads on relationships and generally people who end marriages where there are children involved are called all sorts of names and selfish etc.
And I guess it’s true. It is selfish - if there’s no abuse obviously.

I’m 35, been married for 15 years. Two primary aged children. Husband is 10 years older than me. It’s ok. My marriage is ok. We never have sex, since dd was born five years ago we’ve had sex three times. Prior to that between ds and dd maybe a handful of times.
When I met dh aged 18 he gave me an sti and even though it was picked up immediately for some reason it left me with pain when having sex and we never really had a reasonable sex life. It didn’t bother me much for years but it’s starting to bother me now. When it does happen it’s not great. Dh wont have oral sex and it’s all over in a few minutes.
We don’t do anything together. We rarely spend any time together as a family. Dh is at work or out. We don’t converse. We sit on our phones / in front of the tv which is inevitably something dh has chosen and I have no interest in. I feel like an entirely different person to the one I was when I got married.
Yet - he tells me I’m the most important thing to him and he wouldn’t cope without me. I don’t feel like that. I feel very little. But we don’t row, we get along ok, it just is. Is that how relationships end up after all this time? Is it just to be expected?
I feel like I want more than this - when the children are gone, what will be left? But it’s also so selfish, because the children are happy. They are ok. They will not be ok if I split the marriage up and nor will dh. I don’t love him as I should but I care about him.
I spend all my life waiting, just waiting, and feeling like I don’t know what to do. Ive tried to talk to dh but he just says he’s happy.
Is it unreasonable to end a relationship just because you want to, even if there are young children? I just don’t know anymore. I feel like it’s their happiness or mine.

You sound very lonely. The marriage has no companionship, no fun. It should not be like that after 15yrs or even 55yrs.
So, no would not be wrong for you to end it.

In a word yes but I warn u I did the same and the financial side of it is really hard if u can support yourself and provide housing go for it otherwise I'd wait till kids are sorted and older x

This marriage doesn't sound ok. I'd get myself some counselling to look at why I think this is ok.

I am lonely.
Financially. I don’t know. I think we’d be ok but not as well off as we are now. Really the children have been very lucky in lots of ways.

dis it’s how plenty of people end up. Most.

It's not their happiness or yours, you can all be happy. Your children will pick up on you being miserable

Sounds like you are a bystander in your own life OP. Something has to change. Have you ever said how you feel?

I am estranged from my husband. We get on brilliantly but he neglected me and my needs for too long. I split up our relationship. It has broken him and I feel for him but it was the right thing for me. It's so difficult to do. We had never argued or anything but he couldnt/didn't meet my needs despite me telling him exactly what I needed.

It has been hard. Luckily I'm financially independent but it has crippled me financially. I'd say no relationship should make you feel so alone.

Honestly its not how most people and up. We may sit on an evening tapping on our phones watching tv but I sit next to him, I rest my feet next to him so I can feel him close and when we look at each other we smile. My husband acts like I'm the best thing ever, he likes to make me happy. You deserve to be happy.

I’m sorry to read this and it is such a horrible place to be in. My MIL found herself very much in a similar position when my DH was 7yo - she cared about his Dad, but she didn’t feel that she loved him anymore, the relationship was stagnant and so she spoke to him, they decided together that it was better they separate as the spark truly had gone.

DH’s Dad wasn’t expecting it, he thought everything was “okay” but when she explained her feelings he agreed it was better for DH to have seperated parents that were happy, than to stick together and allow resentment to build up. So they separated, they sat DH down first and calmly explained (as age appropriately as they could) what was happening and why, reassured him several times it was not anything bad and certainly nobody was to blame, but sometimes people fall out of love.

It was hard for DH I will admit, but he understood then and continues to understand that their decision was right.

I’ve never been in your position @Loveisnotavictorymarch - but I was a child from a family where both my parental figures (my Grandparents) hated each other and they were extremely dysfunctional because they chose to stick it out.

I don’t know if you’ve tried counselling as a couple or if that would help? But if you know in your heart that this is what you need, then so long as you keep your children in mind when making decisions after your separation, hopefully they will see it’s for the better as well

Your marriage is not ok. I’d expect more interaction with a lodger.

Divorce is not the only option. Can you talk about what you want/need? Go to counselling?

I would look into counselling, either individually or together ( preferably together). Could the issue of painful/ unsatisfying sex life be addressed with counselling?

How about life outside of marriage for you? Do you have a job you enjoy? Do you have a social life?

Something has to give. Give it all you have with counselling before moving on

"and he wouldn’t cope without me." That would make my skin crawl. What a pathetic thing to rely on someone else so much. That alone would have me drier than the sahara and never want to even attempt the 3 times a decade sex.

He's using you as a breed mare and a house keeper.

Run. Reclaim your life. Live a new one. You deserve that much.

Honestly I cannot see any good reason to stay except the financial one. Don’t waste your life like this. My parents stayed together for the children. I wished they would split up and it made my childhood miserable.

I would never stay with a man who gave me a sexual disease. That's awful.

I agree with the counselling. I also think you need to talk to dh properly and say how close you are to leaving. If he doesn't want it to end then hopefully you can work through it, spend more time together, both put in extra effort.
Also, do you work? As you sound so lonely, I just wonder if you have other adult interaction during the day, and a sense of self worth.

I personally wouldn't pull the plug just yet. I've had these moments with dh, where I've just thought I'm done, but then I remember the dc and how I dont want to damage them and split parent them. Plus not all relationships are passionate affairs all the time. There are many many many people in arranged marriages, or married someone suitable as opposed to the love of their life and they work really well on a basis of mutual respect. But some effort is required, on both sides

From what you say, the main problem is the feeling of being trapped.

So I would start by focussing on that - it's an idea, it's not true. You can leave. You can try to improve the relationship. You have lots of options. I think the first thing to do is to address how you are feeling, so that you start to feel more in control of your life. Maybe counselling or therapy would help.

What do you want to be doing with your life? You need focus and a sense of purpose and meaning. I think we all do, and I've found that having kids does knock everything sideways, to say the least. Time to rediscover yourself, maybe?

I think you should at the very least enjoy your significant other's company, you can do without a sizzling sex life or a Mr/Mrs Perfect - but if coming home fills you with dread or you sit next to them wishing you were somewhere else, then I don't see any other option, because another option is just delaying the inevitible. So ask yourself that quetsion and you will answer your own.

That doesn't sound OKish to me. I've been married 20 yrs and although it might not be as thrilling as when we met, there's still a lot more to our relationship than what you describe and we still enjoy each other's company. Sounds like you need something - if you do want to make a go of it, maybe counselling would help? or at least some deep conversations and the pair of you spending some proper time together.

Life is too short for this. He's being lazy about your relationship, and you need to tell him how you are feeling about everything. I wouldn't just break it up without warning, but I would say "This is what I need from you, tell me what you need me to do to make it better for you." Then if things don't improve, you need to leave.

This doesn't sound ok, it sounds miserable. If you want to be sure you could have individual & couples counselling before deciding, but YANBU to end it.

Op, have you talked to him about this?

mama he didn’t know he had it - he’s never really liked using condoms though but I should have insisted he go and be checked before we stopped using them six months in.
I don’t have pain with sex now. It caused issues for about three years or so afterwards. Constantly had cystitis and would bleed after sex etc. We didn’t even have sex on our honeymoon.
Now we don’t have sex partly because dh wont have a vasectomy or use condoms and we seem to get pregnant easily. He wants me to take the pill or risk timing it around when it’s ‘safe.’ I don’t want to go back on the pill, I’m happy to use condoms but he says there’s no point having sex in that instance because he can’t feel anything. We don’t do anything else either like oral sex etc because dh says he finds it frustrating that he can’t then have full sex. We rarely kiss or anything like that. Dh makes advances by saying things like ‘I want to knock the back out of you’ and he makes me just cringe. I then reject him on the grounds I don’t want to risk another pregnancy and he won’t use condoms and he gets annoyed or persistent but either was we end up not having sex.
I feel so scared of the future. I’m so lonely. I know he loves me and the children. I know breaking up the marriage would ruin his life, the childrens’ lives, maybe my life. It just feels like I’m slowly dying here.

Breaking up a marriage will not as a matter of course ruin your children’s lives.

Staying in an unhappy marriage could though.

I've tried to talk to dh but he just says he’s happy.

What does he say when you reply 'well I'm not'? I think you need to spell it out to him.
I reckon a relationship can survive without sex, but not without companionship. You have to like the person you live with even if the passion has gone and it seems that has happened.