To end my marriage, even though it’s ok ish.

[Loveisnotavictorymarch]

I’ve looked through threads on relationships and generally people who end marriages where there are children involved are called all sorts of names and selfish etc.
And I guess it’s true. It is selfish - if there’s no abuse obviously.

I’m 35, been married for 15 years. Two primary aged children. Husband is 10 years older than me. It’s ok. My marriage is ok. We never have sex, since dd was born five years ago we’ve had sex three times. Prior to that between ds and dd maybe a handful of times.
When I met dh aged 18 he gave me an sti and even though it was picked up immediately for some reason it left me with pain when having sex and we never really had a reasonable sex life. It didn’t bother me much for years but it’s starting to bother me now. When it does happen it’s not great. Dh wont have oral sex and it’s all over in a few minutes.
We don’t do anything together. We rarely spend any time together as a family. Dh is at work or out. We don’t converse. We sit on our phones / in front of the tv which is inevitably something dh has chosen and I have no interest in. I feel like an entirely different person to the one I was when I got married.
Yet - he tells me I’m the most important thing to him and he wouldn’t cope without me. I don’t feel like that. I feel very little. But we don’t row, we get along ok, it just is. Is that how relationships end up after all this time? Is it just to be expected?
I feel like I want more than this - when the children are gone, what will be left? But it’s also so selfish, because the children are happy. They are ok. They will not be ok if I split the marriage up and nor will dh. I don’t love him as I should but I care about him.
I spend all my life waiting, just waiting, and feeling like I don’t know what to do. Ive tried to talk to dh but he just says he’s happy.
Is it unreasonable to end a relationship just because you want to, even if there are young children? I just don’t know anymore. I feel like it’s their happiness or mine.

Your about my age op and I have been with my partner for 16 years almost. I can tell you that what you are describing is a good enough reason to end the marriage. He’s happy with the way things are but your left lonely and craving attention. Imagine the butterflies meeting someone new who wants to hold you and spend time with you. Your children will want you to be happy and you matter too.

I think sex is often the place in a relationship where other issues show up.

breaking up the marriage would ruin his life, the childrens’ lives, maybe my life

So, everyone else is hugely happy, despite the fact that you are not? The situation is untenable. You have to include yourself in the family, your wants, needs and emotions. To be blunt, how can divorce ruin what isn't great in the first place?

As the child of divorced parents - it's very possible to have a 'good' divorce, with a good outcome for all involved. It may not be easy, but you are not happy as you are. The kids, and on some level your husband, must be aware of this.

Something clearly has to change. You deserve to be happy, OP, just as much as your kids and husband do.

Life is too short to spend it unhappily.

A friend once told me 'don't spend 75 yrs doing the same thing and call it a life'

If you are unhappy then you need to change things so that your ARE happy.

Talk to your husband and go from there, just communicate with him so that he knows you are unhappy so that you both have the chance to change things if you want to.

Have you explored other forms of contrception such as the mirena coli (Lasts up to 5 years) or the injection or the implant, there are other options other than the pill. I suffer from Endometrios which means sex can be very painfull sometimes, the coli has helped massivly
I agree with what others are saying if you are unhappy you need to make the change, communicate, try couples counselling etc and then after all that if it doesn't work consider your options incluidng leaving

You are allowed to out grow someone. I personally think it naive to think you can like and love someone for an entire life time. People grow and change constantly, if you're lucky your partner will grow along side you but sometimes that doesn't happen. You are allowed to move on and not feel guilty.

people who end marriages where there are children involved are called all sorts of names and selfish etc.

So what if people make comments - people are not in your marriage, ignore them.

I would do other things instead of just penetrative sex but dh wont. Tbh I rarely get any pleasure from it anyway. He does and then I’m just left.

I'm not surprised you won't look at alternative contraception if you don't get any pleasure from sex and your husband is only interested in his own pleasure.

I feel so scared of the future. I’m so lonely. I know he loves me and the children. I know breaking up the marriage would ruin his life, the childrens’ lives, maybe my life. It just feels like I’m slowly dying here.

You deserve to be happy.

In order to do that you need to find who you are first. This can be through counselling, going out and starting new hobbies, making new friends, career change etc.

If ending your marriage is a natural consequence of finding your happiness, then so be it. But your husband and children's lives will not be ruined.

I was going to say try couples counselling and tell your DH how you feel but from your updates he sounds extremely selfish so I'm not sure if that would help. Sounds like he doesn't listen to you or consider your needs tbh. Have you told him you're unhappy?

I do feel horribly guilty. I feel like everything is up in the air, the decision of what to do weighs heavily on me all the time.
I know what I want to do, but I feel so fucking sad about it.