To end my marriage, even though it’s ok ish.

[Loveisnotavictorymarch]

I’ve looked through threads on relationships and generally people who end marriages where there are children involved are called all sorts of names and selfish etc.
And I guess it’s true. It is selfish - if there’s no abuse obviously.

I’m 35, been married for 15 years. Two primary aged children. Husband is 10 years older than me. It’s ok. My marriage is ok. We never have sex, since dd was born five years ago we’ve had sex three times. Prior to that between ds and dd maybe a handful of times.
When I met dh aged 18 he gave me an sti and even though it was picked up immediately for some reason it left me with pain when having sex and we never really had a reasonable sex life. It didn’t bother me much for years but it’s starting to bother me now. When it does happen it’s not great. Dh wont have oral sex and it’s all over in a few minutes.
We don’t do anything together. We rarely spend any time together as a family. Dh is at work or out. We don’t converse. We sit on our phones / in front of the tv which is inevitably something dh has chosen and I have no interest in. I feel like an entirely different person to the one I was when I got married.
Yet - he tells me I’m the most important thing to him and he wouldn’t cope without me. I don’t feel like that. I feel very little. But we don’t row, we get along ok, it just is. Is that how relationships end up after all this time? Is it just to be expected?
I feel like I want more than this - when the children are gone, what will be left? But it’s also so selfish, because the children are happy. They are ok. They will not be ok if I split the marriage up and nor will dh. I don’t love him as I should but I care about him.
I spend all my life waiting, just waiting, and feeling like I don’t know what to do. Ive tried to talk to dh but he just says he’s happy.
Is it unreasonable to end a relationship just because you want to, even if there are young children? I just don’t know anymore. I feel like it’s their happiness or mine.

There are alternatives to the pill and condoms. It sounds like you don't really want to have sex or you wouldn't give him condoms as his only option, knowing they ruin the experience for him. I'd never try to insist my husband had sex he couldn't feel, I think it would be a bit strange if only I could get pleasure from it.

It's very easy to end up in a relationship such as you describe, especially when young children are involved. I agree with pp that you should try couple's therapy before you make any final decisions because although you would all be fine after divorce eventually, it would be prettt ghastly in the interim.

Is that how relationships end up after all this time? Is it just to be expected?*

No. It's not. I think it's reasonable to expect considerably more. I'd try for individual counseling first, as it's going to be a lot easier to work together towards a relationship if you know what you want. Not a lot of use having couples counseling it you decide you want out.

I couldn't stay in a marriage like that.

Bold fail.

If you're unhappy you ought to leave. DH and the kids will get used to you visiting once in a while.

My partner has complained about using condoms. It doesn't seem to have a negative effect. Why should it just be the woman that takes or organises contraception. The vasectomy would solve it. But after reading the Op recent post he doesn't sound very appealing anyway!

As for your post OP it's pretty sad to read. Sex may not be everything to all but companionship, conversation, humour comfort and affection are so important. Well they are to much and you don't seem to have much of a relationship with your husband. Life is too short and it's not a decision to take lightly but you are aware of that. But don't stay in an unhappy relationship for the children, I was a child in those circumstances and it's not always the best for the children. I'm sure you will receive lots of useful advice here.

Oops just re read my post the first line should read he has never complained.

But what do you think you are going to achieve by ending the marriage? Are you going to replace you husband with a different man? Men are rarely the thing that makes a woman happy. Obviously your relationship isn’t great but it doesn’t sound like you have much else going on either. I would try to find a way to be happy in yourself first and then address your relationship. Clearly there’s plenty of scope to go out and have a nice life while he’s at home watching tv. My concern about leaving him before finding yourself would be that you’d just end up with the next man that came along which is unlikely to be an improvement for you. I would never end a relationship in an attempt to find happiness unless the person you are married to is actually making you unhappy (as opposed to thinking that you’d be happier with someone else).

There are alternatives to the pill and condoms. It sounds like you don't really want to have sex or you wouldn't give him condoms as his only option, knowing they ruin the experience for him

She offered him vasectomy as well but he didn’t want that either.

There are other options than pill and condoms. All the responsibility of the woman though! I wouldn’t want sex with someone who thought taking care of contraception was all my job either!

It's not healthy to have had sex only three times in five years IMO. I don't think the marriage is as 'ok' as you think it is. You need to communicate and talk to your husband, perhaps consider couples counselling x

Why won’t you use any other contraception? My husband also won’t have a vasectomy yet (he’s told me he’s scared of it, fair enough). I know it ‘shouldn’t’ be the responsibility of the woman but the fact is that there are plenty of options for women and not a lot for men. I think you need to talk to him properly, tell him what you’ve put in here. Compromise, use a different contraception so you can both enjoy sex again. Tell him that you want him to research a vasectomy. Go for counselling, set an evening a week when you both have to leave phones in kitchen and the tv goes off, play board games or cards, eat dinner with no distractions - just once a week. Start talking again, you obviously enjoyed each other’s company once, see if you can get back there before ending the marriage x

The combined pill didn’t suit me and the gp advised that any contraceptive they used oestrogen probably would. The mini pill was ok but I took it for a long time. I guess I could go back on it, but I don’t want.
I’m happy to use condoms and to try different ones. I don’t see why something that basically is of no risk to either us should be ruled out. It’s been years since he tried them and they’ve probably improved. I don’t get why he won’t give it a go but is happy for me to put hormones into my body.

probably wouldn’t suit me

I don’t get why he won’t give it a go but is happy for me to put hormones into my body

Because he’s selfish

It sounds miserable OP, you deserve better than this. But maybe try building up the rest of your life first - it will be easier once you have left if you have friends, hobbies etc.

Life and sex can be far more rewarding. You might be brilliant at parenting together but the intimacy might have just gone. These things can run their course. You get one life. He might find fulfilment with another too.

He sounds very selfish, OP. I'm sure mine isn't hugely mad on wearing condoms either but he doesn't want the snip, it would be unwise for me to take the pill because of clotting issues and tbh I don't really want to put hormones into me anyway, and nfw am I having a coil. So he does his bit. Your dh seems as if he expects everything to revolve around him (not just in this arena - you said he always chooses the TV programme etc). And to not bother looking after his sexual health and give his 18yo girlfriend an STI

I do wonder if in choosing someone so much younger (and I have to say if any of mine came home at 18 with a 28yo I would be worried to say the least and having a serious talk with them) he thought he would be able to set a pattern of being the one who came first?

He’d been engaged a few times before me. I think to a degree he was just ready to get married.
I’m just lonely but would it be any better actually alone, with limited access to the children? I don’t know.

He was just blasé about his sexual health. Didn’t think it would happen to him. I was the first partner he’d even used condoms with at all it transpired. Prior to me he’d just never bothered. I didn’t know that when we stopped using them though.

It always enrages me when I hear this 'but he doesn't like condoms' argument. Do men think it's okay then for women to take false hormones for years on end that play havoc with their bodies? Why should it be women who suffer and always the men who focus on their pleasure at the expense of women's wellbeing. He can get a vasectomy if he's so concerned about it.

It always enrages me when I hear this 'but he doesn't like condoms' argument. Do men think it's okay then for women to take false hormones for years on end that play havoc with their bodies? Why should it be women who suffer and always the men who focus on their pleasure at the expense of women's wellbeing. He can get a vasectomy if he's so concerned about it.

This. The pill made me a hell of a human being so I had to stop taking it. I tried about five of them and each and every one ruined my life. We use natural conception methods now, and if it fails we are both on the same page with what we would do in the event of an unplanned pregnancy.

I would do other things instead of just penetrative sex but dh wont. Tbh I rarely get any pleasure from it anyway. He does and then I’m just left.

You're stuck in a root because it sounds like both of you have taken your marriage for granted. Making it work takes efforts on both sides.

You need to talk and decide both of you are willing to put the effort in. If not, no point in staying as you are.

Ah, the "can't feel anything with a condom" argument.

Either it's:

A) a case of fucking lazy selfish lying bastard.

or

B) a case of an insensitive prick who has an insensitive prick.

'He does and then I’m just left.'

Which fits the picture you are building up of a deeply selfish person.

In terms of loneliness, I think it is possible to feel lonelier with someone than on your own. Plus, if you are lonely on your own then there is a reason for it, iyswim. Being lonely with someone else is not a state anyone should be spending their life in.

It does sound as if this may be a case of 'better alone than badly accompanied'.