To have a phobia of spiders? (DH shouted at me!)

[Scaredofspiders]

DH went around to his friend’s house, which is less than a mile away and he went by car so not far at all. I went upstairs and found a very big spider above one of the door frames. The spider then came down the door frame, towards me, so I freaked out and called DH.

I don’t freak out every time I see a spider and I actually feel like I’m getting a lot better but because this was so big, was on the floor, it’s bedtime and it was near the bedroom and I’m home alone, I felt like I needed it gone.

He first protested on the phone saying “I’m not coming home to get a spider” but I felt like that was a bit of bravado for his friend and I begged him (feeling like I might cry as I was so scared) to come and he did. By the time he got there (only about 2 mins later) it had gone under the door into one of the bedrooms. He then basically said he can’t do anything and “it’s gone”. Obviously it wasn’t gone and I just wanted him to check in the room or wait while I had a shower but instead he had a go, shouted, said I was controlling him by calling him home from his friends (he went back and that was always the plan) and that he can’t decide whether I’m manipulative or stupid. He also did his usual of questioning what I’m afraid of and saying it can’t hurt me. That’s not the point. It’s a phobia.

He could have just checked in the room as soon as he got here instead of screaming and shouting about it and stomping up and down the stairs.

I get that it’s an irrational fear and it was probably annoying for him to come home but I just think he was nasty we I didn’t do this deliberately to ruin his evening and it wasn’t exactly pleasant for me.

I’m now home alone again, watching TV downstairs, and dreading going upstairs again because of the massive spider.

Op, I understand your fear. I have a phobia of spiders too - even pictures of them, fake ones, I even react to people moving their hands like them! So I understand what it feels like.

However, I don't let it affect my husband or children. I've found ways to cope by myself - I use an ant and cockroach spray which kills them immediately and you can spray them when they are to high to Hoover them. I've also started if bombing the house every September which means that we don't get any spiders during the winter at all.

I think he thinks it is a little suss that his night out happens to be the first time you react badly to a spider in over a year.

I would be annoyed at being asked to come home and I would be annoyed at the begging. I would probably shout in sheer irritation if I came home, the bloody thing had disappeared and you wanted me to wait for you to have a shower before going back out.

Sort this out For your own sake, as it sounds like your dh is starting to treat you quite unkindly. Also if you have to ring your dh to ‘save’ you in other ordinary life circumstances, I.e. appliance breakdown, car not working etc, whereby going into a complete flap means you avoid having to sort out a situation then that’s not fair to your dh. It’s also not a very good idea to be come so reliant on someone who is already showing contempt for what a lot of people (rightly/wrongly) think is a bit childish.

Vacuum cleaner......don't focus on it...just keep it in peripheral vision....then Dyson it! Give it one hell of a cyclonic carnival ride!

Then put vacuum.outside

I don't think anything excuses how he spoke to you. I'm shocked how many people seem to think that's okay in a relationship. It's not your fault you're afraid - he chose to come home and help you - but no matter what the circumstances might have been, he shouldn't be talking to you like that, ever.

What would a GP do?

Refer you for CBT + graded exposure therapy. It is possible for people to overcome a fear of spiders. Specific phobia is one of the most treatable mental health issues there is. It is fixable. Don't let a fixable problem rule any more of your (or anyone else's) life.

Op I get it but I have a fear too.

My dh gets bad tempered with it sometimes but I reminded him, he shits himself (his words) at the thought of public speaking.

I don't relish it but don't feel I may... Shit myself. But people arnt going to hurt you? They won't bite or kill you if you have to speak to them?

After that comparison he seemed a little kinder.. And he does get them..

I wouldn’t take you seriously unless you sen your GP and actively tried to get help for this. Phobia is a mental illness and not the same as being “really scared” of spiders.

@Stompythedinosaur as another experienced by education, work and personal phobia I have reasons to dislike the focus on graded exposure alone!

My issue, and that of many others I have spoken to, is that any arachnaphobe can be persuaded to hold/touch a red kneed tarantula type spider... they are large, colourful and move very slowly and you don't find them hurtling around your living room.

Older graded exposre and/or floodng courses relied on tarantulas and loudly proclaimed success. Leaving the arachnaphobe happy with exotic spiders and still petrified of house spiders.

Nowadays there is always a mix of therapies, usually hypnotherpay / relaxation sessions mixed with educational elements - most arachnaphobes become 'spider experts' after a good course. Without these other elements exposure to spiders is mostly unsuccessful, so a trip through a Google page won't help!

Paying £100+ for a zoo based spider course is worth every single penny.... I used Bristol Zoo and now understand how I monitor my suroundings, how tiring that can be and how to stop myself doing it. That has been very successful and has reduced my constant state of alert to something far more manageable. I can even calmly leave a room inhabited by a alrge, scurrying spider, rater than running. I can kill l them too... no, I doubt I will ever save the bloody things. But I can now make my home habitable for me...

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras What do you do every September? I think I could cope with a spray...

@Igotthemheavyboobs No it’s not suss. It was the first time in ages ive seen a massive spider in the house but no the first time he went to his friend’s house. His friend lives around the corner and he goes there about once a week - I don’t call him back every time!

Good advice @JavaQ!

Yes I agree @SugarThreat He did apologise this morning as he knows he went a bit too far.

That’s interesting @CuriousaboutSamphire

I do have a phobia. It started when I was a young child after a strange child at school harassed me with a big toy spider and then at some point I got really ill and was hallucinating spiders all over. My mum says that’s when my phobia started. I haven’t been to the gp as honestly it hasn’t occurred to me but I will.

Please don’t use words like “silly” as you cannot really understand what someone else is dealing with even if you have a phobia yourself it can be different for all of us.

I suggested to DH we both seek help - me for my phobia and him for the smoking - as suggested by PP!

He apologised this morning and realised he has gone over the top in shouting at me and throwing things.

One thing I didn’t mention was that he’d gone to his friend’s to smoke some weed(!) and I called him before he had smoked it! He went back...

Thanks all

Perfect example of his lack of understanding. Phobias aren't something that you just get over or overcome. It's a fear! An it's very real to you! Also, you can't compare your fear because it's different experiences to someone else!

You were very scared and it's a normal reaction to ask your partner to come protect you. His attitude fucking stinks- bloody bollocks! (Sorry) He is unreasonable!

I would suggust to try and get to the source of your fear. My 9 year old has a fear of spiders - so rather than force him to just put a "cup over it" I've educated him on the different types of spiders, like how many species there are, where they come from etc. He is slowly overcoming his fear. He can cope with the smaller ones, we are working on the bigger ones. I have found the source to his fear (its not the spider) also and we are working on that too.

YABU. it is ridiculous to have a phobia of spiders but at least don't make it other people's problem too.

It’s absolutely not ridiculous to have a phobia of spiders- but I do not think I have ever met anyone with a selective phobia before......

Phobias are fairly easy to treat via graded exposure. There are instructions online.

I had CBT for my phobia (birds) and the therapist used the "graded exposure" method. It worked really well. I'm not completely over it, but I've gone from having a complete freak out at being in the proximity of a stuffed bird in a glass case to being able to stay in the house when a bird had managed to get into our spare bedroom: I just shut the door so it couldn't get into the rest of the house.

My therapy was under the NHS. I don't know if they still fund that sort of thing, OP, but I'd really recommend you give it a go. It was life changing for me.

I was getting to the point where I thought I was going to have to give up driving (I would flinch really badly every time a bird flew towards the windscreen), and that would have meant leaving my job.

Arachnophobia must be so much worse. Spiders are everywhere at this time of year.

Not a case of are you being unreasonable. You have a phobia. You can't help it. But if it's affecting your life to that extent, it might be possible to seek help for it. (Says me, who am still trying).

I can relate. I have a disproportionate, ridiculous phobia about wasps which is severe enough to affect my life in late summer and autumn. I won't eat or drink outside or wear scented products, and I can't be in a room if there's one buzzing around. I try to move away from them and the intrusive little fuckers follow me. To me it seems it's hard to escape from them, and I watch with envy as other people nonchalantly waft them away and just carry on with their day.

I've had therapy for this but don't know as yet how successful it's been. There were not very many wasps around this year (joy). Last year's hot summer, when everywhere was teeming with the evil critters, was my idea of hell. I loved the warm summer that year, the wasps were the one thing that spoiled it for me.

If anyone's ever fully overcome a phobia this severe, I'd very much like to hear how they did it! I'm determined to conquer this one day. I think it makes me look an idiot and I don't like that :)

I had to piss in my favourite mug once, in my living room, because there was a fat fucking spider right by the door and I couldn't bring myself to walk past it to get to the loo

Sorry, but that made me . And it trumps the time I had to piss in the washing up bowl, in a tent, because there was a flock of pigeons just outside pecking at a load of breadcrumbs some cunt bird lover had sprinkled on the grass.

If the situation was reversed would you have come home from a friends house for this? Would you fuck.

Get a grip and stop infantilism yourself.

Infantilising.

I used to be you, my fear was awful had to get DH to do it. But now I’m on my own and when you have to deal with things you just do.

There was a bloody monster on my bedroom wall the other day, it has pincers! But I have no one to call so a Dyson pipe Hoover is your friend, you Satan’s very far away and suck it up into the pipe.

Same with flying, terrified, HAVE to do it for my job so you just get on with it.

I get it but in the gentlest possible way you need to get a grip and find a solution because calling your DH back isn’t reasonable and if he wasn’t there you WOULD get over it.

*stand not sure where Satan came from!

Lakie CBT based graded exposure is offered in our area for phobias. It is really effective if people engage with it.

I totally understand your fear. Arachnophobia is real and cannot just be ‘got over’ even if spiders are harmless. I strongly advise you to get outside, collect a bagful of conkers and put one on the floor in every corner of every room. Yes, it really does work. I’ve been doing it for several years. When the autumn spider invasion stops you can throw the conkers out as they lose their effectiveness eventually. Then you won’t need to call anyone to deal with spiders.

I needed a laugh. Can't believe you called your partner home because of a spider. I'm not a big fan of them but I just use the hoover or put a glass over it until my partner will get rid of it later.

Bit much to expect him to come home but tbf he should have been more understanding once he got there. Arachnophobia is completely irrational. I used to just call my dad to catch them as a kid. Nowadays my DP is more crippling afraid of them than me. He has to look away if a tv show has a tarantula in it for example.

As the now designated spider catcher my arachnophobia is just really annoying. I dont want to hate them, it's just a visceral reaction. I've trained myself out of fearing really little ones and the exotic types people keep as pets (tarantulas, orb weavers and so on), but theres something about the speed of huntsman/giant house types and the ease of losing a cellar spider that I'll probably never get over.

Raid Ant and Cockroach Killer is your friend!!! It's the Novichock of the spider world (it works in the same way). One spray from 2m away will kill them within seconds. Spray it into gaps/behind furniture and it will keep on killing for 4 weeks! In spider season I have a can in every room. Without it I would be utterly terrified. With it, I can just about cope if I have to.