To have a phobia of spiders? (DH shouted at me!)

[Scaredofspiders]

DH went around to his friend’s house, which is less than a mile away and he went by car so not far at all. I went upstairs and found a very big spider above one of the door frames. The spider then came down the door frame, towards me, so I freaked out and called DH.

I don’t freak out every time I see a spider and I actually feel like I’m getting a lot better but because this was so big, was on the floor, it’s bedtime and it was near the bedroom and I’m home alone, I felt like I needed it gone.

He first protested on the phone saying “I’m not coming home to get a spider” but I felt like that was a bit of bravado for his friend and I begged him (feeling like I might cry as I was so scared) to come and he did. By the time he got there (only about 2 mins later) it had gone under the door into one of the bedrooms. He then basically said he can’t do anything and “it’s gone”. Obviously it wasn’t gone and I just wanted him to check in the room or wait while I had a shower but instead he had a go, shouted, said I was controlling him by calling him home from his friends (he went back and that was always the plan) and that he can’t decide whether I’m manipulative or stupid. He also did his usual of questioning what I’m afraid of and saying it can’t hurt me. That’s not the point. It’s a phobia.

He could have just checked in the room as soon as he got here instead of screaming and shouting about it and stomping up and down the stairs.

I get that it’s an irrational fear and it was probably annoying for him to come home but I just think he was nasty we I didn’t do this deliberately to ruin his evening and it wasn’t exactly pleasant for me.

I’m now home alone again, watching TV downstairs, and dreading going upstairs again because of the massive spider.

@RatThink I’ve honestly never thought as a phobia as a big compatibility issue. It rarely impacts even my life. His smoking impacts our life much more on a daily basis. But yes I would consider such a trade off.

You'll never be able to sleep again

Why is no one saying how nasty your DH was? Shouting & labelling you manipulative or stupid! Charming!

@KobeLondon You are obviously a capable “fucking adult” without a phobia, knowledge or what a phobia is or empathy.

I meant this is a rare thing for us. This kind of thing doesn’t happen a lot.

Exactly @Bunnylady53 I might be annoying but I wasn’t deliberately mean.

@RatThink Yes tonight it impacted his life but it doesn’t very often. I’m not completely dismissing what you say. For me the issue is more the fact that he’d react so badly and yes he came home but I called him knowing he was only round the corner and so if could have been something that took 5-10 mins and it really impacted his evening that much. He should have either come home and sorted it or just not come home. Why come home to shout at me?!

I don’t know. I’m just stressed and tired now and scared to go to bed.

Nope YANBU my DP forgot to remove a spider from the back door for 4 days. I didn’t use the back door for 4 days ha

I just do not believe that the number of posters who say they have phobias of spiders really do. On MN, it’s a competitive stream of girlish giggling on who can be the most afraid “oh, you must burn down the house! No other choice!”

I get that true phobias can be devastating but I’d be pretty fucked off if I was your husband too

Maybe @RatThink but there are lots of things that can make people “incompatible“ like smoker / non smoker, vegetarian / non vegetarian, ambitious person / laid back person, tidy / untidy, person who wants kids / person who doesnt...

I hate that DH smokes. I get annoyed that he’s untidy. Well not even untidy, it’s that he walks out of a room and can’t leave it as he found eg cushions from sofa will be left on the floor, empty cups left around the house, he rolls a cigerette and leaves the mess lying around, he moved things and then had no idea where they are... but then should we only be with people exactly like ourselves?

Maybe you are right but we are married now so I don’t intend to break up over this but I do feel tonight that if I could find a way to get rid of this phobia then that would be a good thing

He was cunty. Who screams at someone they love when that person is panicky and you can help them? Speaking of cunts, those posters making sneery remarks at someone's phobia, go and fuck yourselves. My mum is agoraphobic and the internet is her lifeline. Would you mock and sneer at her? You dickheads.

You have my total sympathy.

I too have a ridiculous fear of spiders, to the point where I once called my dad to come and rescue me from one, and that was a 7 mile drive for him. And he came, bless him, with just a bit of eye-rolling when he arrived!

I've also gone to a never-before-spoken-to next door neighbour to rescue me - needs must

I'm a bit better now - I can tackle them with a hoover (as long as it's got the very long extension tube on) but couldn't ever consider going near enough to put a glass over one. Thankfully I think my cat chomps them these days as I haven't seen one for months (hope I haven't jinxed myself there). It's a good job really as DP isn't much fonder of them than me!

But like you, I'd struggle to sleep knowing that there's one on the loose somewhere upstairs.

Phobias are illogical, but knowing that there is no logic doesn't make them any less real.

He doesn't believe you.

The only way he will is for you to find the spider, catch it and show him that you weren't making it up and it was huge/more than 7mm across.

Until that point he will continue to think that you lied to make him come back.

I used to have a terrible phobia but it lessened over time. I never expected anyone to pander to it though so I just had to deal with it if there was one in the house. By deal with it I mean i'd have to just wait it out.

Ha you understand @CheerioGirl

@ShirleyPhallus Really? Even if This didn’t happen often and you were 2 minutes away and I did lots of things for you?

I think there is a real lack of understanding when it comes to phobias @Dljlr

Thanks for understanding @TheRattleBag i thought i had got better too but not tonight!

@MitziK No it seemed like he didn’t believe me. But I took a picture! And I really don’t get why he’d think I’d be that desperate to get him home otherwise.

@penisbeakers Maybe if he wasn’t so close I wouldn’t have called.

Phobias are fairly easy to treat via graded exposure. There are instructions online.

The way you are currently acting (restricting your life and trying to restrict your partner's life) will make your phobia worse (as it will reinforce the idea that you are only safe because you avoided the spider).

I had a terrible phobia as a teenager. Then I lived alone and had to deal with them. Now my phobia is much, much less severe.

Your dh shouldn't have shouted at you, but I don't think you were reasonable to ask him to drop his night out.

Oh I do understand I’m terrible with spiders. I’m petrified & crane flys. If there’s one in my house and DO isn’t home I can’t relax I’ve been known to sit & watch it so when DP gets home I know where it is for him to get it out. I think your DH was a little insensitive my DP understands but he can get a little ratty with me

Op I fully admit I don't understand the drama around this phobia but I fully accept that's because I don't have a phobit so struggle to empathise. That's a me issue not a you issue so to speak.

The way I see it

Either your dp is a Dick and was nasty for no reason of it was a rare occureence as you state. I've done some really stupid stuff (I'm not really the dramatic kind but more stupid stuff like decorating badly because I thought I knew better and dp rolls his eyes and takes the mick and would not ever shout at me....even when I definitely deserved it a couple of times)

There was once a turkey incident I'm aged he didn't leave me for.

Or

You aren't quite presenting the whole story. Phobias are phobias I understand and not having one , I don't have the right to judge if you're being reasonable. Buy how often do you become histrionic about things , or dramatic (I honestly don't mean to be mean but this does seem quite over the top to be scared to go to bed)

Is it possible that your dp reacted after a slow drip of you being dramatic over things? When I'm anxious I can panic from every noise to the slightest change in air pressure and it understandably drives dp mad (to be fair he still doesn't shout at me)

I think you can only answer that, honestly consider if you are being a bit dramatic over other things and this has been the straw that broke the camels back.

Or if he is in fact being a giant arse.

However be honest with yourself , My dsis claims she's calm and relaxed and last month she screamed and sobbed because she ran out of her favourite butter (I am not exaggerating in the slightest)

I wouldn’t have called my DH in these circumstances OP - but I completely get why you did.

I have a horrible phobia of spiders - like cold sweat, freeze on the spot and can’t take my eyes off the bastard until it’s fucked off to fuck! I was so bad before I had my DC that I couldn’t even get close enough to trap or squash them, just back away from them slowly!

I’ve only recently started getting through this because I am 100% determined that my twins not develop a phobia of them because they see how afraid I am of them. I have my size limits, I can now just about tolerate small-medium sized ones but the big house spiders still make me internally shriek.

I started talking to the spiders (within my size comfort zone) which my DH thinks is hilarious but it actually helps me a bit, I’ve also named the two that like to hang out in the corner of my living room, they’re spindly so not as horrific as the big ones (also after a bit of googling I found out they’re Daddy Long Leg spiders and they eat other spiders so they’re allowed to stay 😂).

I am not impressed by what your ‘D’H had to say on the matter, arachnophobia is probably one of the best known phobias and yet it is still considered ridiculous by those who don’t experience it.

If you need cheering up and like stand up comedy, look for Phil Jupitus’ routine on arachnophobia (from an old tour named Quadraphobia) 😊m.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL243732C3A1FA69E4

Gah the link didn’t work but it’s on YouTube 😊

YANBU you are just phobic. Phobias are irrational but terrifying!

It would be a good idea to have some Exposure Response Prevention treatment for the phobia. I have severe OCD and know what it's like to feel terrified and for people to react in angrily- it just makes things 10x worse.

A phobia is a psychiatric disorder so people saying just get over it, clearly don't get it!

Oh also it made me wonder whether maybe your DH had been drinking for him to see annoyed?