To have a phobia of spiders? (DH shouted at me!)

[Scaredofspiders]

DH went around to his friend’s house, which is less than a mile away and he went by car so not far at all. I went upstairs and found a very big spider above one of the door frames. The spider then came down the door frame, towards me, so I freaked out and called DH.

I don’t freak out every time I see a spider and I actually feel like I’m getting a lot better but because this was so big, was on the floor, it’s bedtime and it was near the bedroom and I’m home alone, I felt like I needed it gone.

He first protested on the phone saying “I’m not coming home to get a spider” but I felt like that was a bit of bravado for his friend and I begged him (feeling like I might cry as I was so scared) to come and he did. By the time he got there (only about 2 mins later) it had gone under the door into one of the bedrooms. He then basically said he can’t do anything and “it’s gone”. Obviously it wasn’t gone and I just wanted him to check in the room or wait while I had a shower but instead he had a go, shouted, said I was controlling him by calling him home from his friends (he went back and that was always the plan) and that he can’t decide whether I’m manipulative or stupid. He also did his usual of questioning what I’m afraid of and saying it can’t hurt me. That’s not the point. It’s a phobia.

He could have just checked in the room as soon as he got here instead of screaming and shouting about it and stomping up and down the stairs.

I get that it’s an irrational fear and it was probably annoying for him to come home but I just think he was nasty we I didn’t do this deliberately to ruin his evening and it wasn’t exactly pleasant for me.

I’m now home alone again, watching TV downstairs, and dreading going upstairs again because of the massive spider.

“Get over it”.

If only it were that simple!

Have you thought about the FSP. Friendly spider programme. I think it’s based in London Zoo.
Yes we know they can’t hurt you. However phobias and rationalising don’t go hand in hand. It never has done and never will do.
Eg im terrified of paper straws. They make my stomach literally do somersaults, and my fingers clench up. Obviously they can’t harm me.
Sorry about my username btw. Don’t worry I won’t show you any of my baby spiders. He’s fast asleep all snuggled up in his web.

Anyone undermines my Fear, can go fuck themselves.

It's real and it's frightening and it's something I live with and not through choice. I wish I didn't have it but I do. I don't talk about it in real life, as there are dicks who think it's funny to throw plastic ones at you for a joke.

It's affected my life for nearly 50 years. I have hospitalised myself several times throwing myself out of bed because I see them in my sleep. It is not rational and I know this, I've seen countless doctors therapists and psychologists, but ultimately they want me to confront my fear, and I cannot do it. My career choice was chosen taking my fear into account, so I am rarely near them.

So I get it OP, I really get it.

He didn’t drop his night out. He had just gone to his friend’s around the corner and I called him back for 5 mins. But I can understand it’s annoying. I don’t think he was drunk yet as he can’t have been there long when I called.

I am telling the full story in terms of the phobia. If anything what I am leaving out is that he often overreacts or speaks to me that way as he loses his cool quickly.

I’m sorry to those of you who suffer with phobias. It can be really difficult and I’m sure people have it worse than I do.

Phobias are fairly easy to treat via graded exposure. There are instructions online.

Fuck! All those years, all that angst, therapy, money wasted!

I could have just fucking googled my phobia away!

No. Wait! Graded exposure you say? Yeah, that works about as much as 'Flooding' - that was a great pysch fashion. And no, it didn't work either!

For graded exposure to work the anxiety has to be understood by the sufferer... the trigger identified and then grded exposure allows the anxious person to work through their feelings until the anxiety inducing 'thing' no longer causes anxiety. That that is anxiety as opposed to a phobia. The whole point about phobias is they are not based in logic, so you can't think your way through them, FFS!

I wish people would stop dismssing phobias as if they were life choices.

Get a cat or carry a handheld dyson with you everywhere like I do. Both options work

He belittled you for a phobia he knew about before you married and accuses you of being stupid or manipulative? I've mentioned this before on here many moons ago but I also have the same phobia as you. I used to literally vomit at seeing or hearing the word. I have had some treatment and am obviously much better now (even read this thread ) but I still have to call somebody to my house if there is one. I do think people mistake fear/phobia and exaggerate, they often think I am, but if it's as bad as you say for you then he was a complete dick and he needs to apologise.

I think you were unreasonable to make him come home from seeing his friend. If my DH did that I’d be furious too. It’s not an emergency and you’re an adult.

So what would his reaction be if you had a phobia to wasps? They reduce me to a statue, I had a wasp land on my lip once, while drinking a can of dr pepper, my boyfriend sat opposite me, I was wearing shades, he only did something when he saw a tear roll down my face.
What about trypophobia?
I have a selective phobia to spiders, if it has a large abdomen, then I'm a wreck, plughole spiders don't hold the same fear.
I had a false widow living in my kitchen for a year and never opened the window, it's now gone.

Curious graded exposure as a method for treated phobias has a solid evidence base. I suggested it as someone who is qualified in the area.

Phobias aren't a lifestyle choice, but they also aren't untreatable.

You can’t call your DP home on a regular basis when they see their wider network and expect them to be fine with that because of your phobia, it’s stifling and they will come to begrudge you, not because they are somehow cruel but because it is an unreasonable requirement

grooooooooan

And I do have a phobia, I just don’t expect anyone else to manage it for me

I hate spiders just the thought of them makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.
I would have lobbed a shoe at it OP.

YNBU to be scared.

Those posters telling you to grow up, put a cup over it etc are twats with no understanding of phobias.

Of course a spider won't hurt you and it's irrational (in the UK) to be scared of spiders. But phobias aren't rational. The primative part of the brain takes over, you're swamped with panic and the advanced, rational part of the brain doesn't get a look in.

But it is possible to desensitise yourself if you really want to. As a child, I was so scared of spiders that I couldn't even look at a photograph of one. Now I can pick up small ones and spindly ones in my hands and can trap the horrible big ones under a glass and put them outside.

I do think that YWBU to call your dp/dh (on phone so can't read the op). In your circumstances, I think that I'd have crashed downstairs on the settee until my dp came home rather than expecting him to come back. Although, he was such a pig to you that he doesn't deserve any sympathy.

I had to piss in my favourite mug once, in my living room, because there was a fat fucking spider right by the door and I couldn't bring myself to walk past it to get to the loo.

But, I can see where you're both coming from. The fear is crippling and can't be helped, but I suppose it does get tedious for the other person who doesn't 'get it'. Being as he was so close anyway though, and doesn't seem to have been doing anything urgent (?) I don't think he should have had a go the way he did.

We all have our phobias op

One of mine is frogs/lizards. I cannot look at pics , even the little emoticon that pops up when I type in the f word......they really freak me out

I have another phobia too

Your dp should have been kinder to you. If he's often angry then maybe you should consider if you want to be with him

Have you tried those plugin anti spider devices from amazon? I hardly ever get spiders indoors and I think it works.

I do completely understand why you called him, having been phobic myself until a few years ago. However I also understand why he got the hump.

You need the London zoo friendly spider program. It honestly changed my life.

I wouldn’t have come home if I was out just to rescue you from a spider.
If it affects your life this much it’s up to you to find treatments not inflict it on others.

OP, I'm so sorry! I'd be the exact same as you. You can't help it!

You could seek help to address this. Unfair to inconvenience DH.

I totally get why you freaked out - I used to be terrified of spiders to the point they had me in tears and I couldn't sleep if I knew one had been in the bedroom.

But I get your husbands viewpoint too. You can't just expect him to come home every single time you see a spider. He was out with his friend and you panicked and called him back - that's not fair on him. He should be able to go out and enjoy himself without being phoned for a spider emergency!

Also, what would you have done if he was at work? Or several hours away? You could hardly ring him at work and get him to come home!

YABU. You should get treatment for the phobia. It's actually quite silly.