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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why a group of friends would suddenly blank someone?

53 replies

Lolitaorchid · 28/10/2019 20:07

Something happened a few years ago and although it doesn’t keep me up at night I’d be interested in some views.

In brief, I was with a previous DP for a few years and we had many mutual friends that we had known for close to 10 years (some couples, some not) as we had been friends before. We had an amicable break up due to just drifting apart. We stayed perfectly civil and occasionally caught up after work or by text but there was no chance of us getting back together, both agreed we had grown apart etc. No hard feelings whatsoever, or so I thought.

Initially I made an effort to continue to socialise with said mutual friends group despite it being awkward when ex-DP was there (which he often was). At first I was fine and we used to just chat normally and I thought hiding the awkwardness quite well for the sake of not making friends choose sides etc.

As the months went on, the invites to events became less and less frequent. A couple of texts to friends went unanswered. I had other friends so hadn’t worried about it too much. I was a bit puzzled as I presumed things would have been more awkward at first but it seemed that as the months went on this group were finding it harder and harder socialising/remaining friends with both of us.

I then saw via social media that a group of them including ex-DP had gone on a holiday together and I had known nothing about it. I invited all of them to a house warming party and they either totally ignored it or made an excuse why not to attend. One of the couples got married and I wasn’t invited, again I just found out on social media.

As I said, I have totally moved on friends wise and am now married myself and have nothing to do with these people whatsoever.

However, I remain totally baffled as to what on earth could have happened to have made this group of people totally disown me after this break up, when it was amicable (and as far as I know ex-DP wasn’t heartbroken). I was closer to some of these people than DP was and some of them I had known longer than him.

I know people will just say ‘they didn’t really like you’ but I’m totally baffled and think ex-DP must have fed them some lies or something.

Has anyone had similar happen?

OP posts:
slowdownplease · 28/10/2019 20:08

Could your ex have badmouthed you to them all?

Original poster
Lolitaorchid · 28/10/2019 20:10

@slowdownplease that’s what I have always presumed but it would be totally unfounded, neither of us were unfaithful, I never said a bad word about any of them, we were fairly old friends. I would love to know what they actually thought. I did try to confront one of them once about it and they denied anything had happened and acted as if I had just imagined it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lolitaorchid · 28/10/2019 20:21

Bump Grin

OP posts:
Organicmamahope · 28/10/2019 20:24

Yep I split up with an ex and they invited him round for dinner and no one checked I was alive for 2 years. It was horrific. I can only think it is a mysogonist society.

Original poster
Lolitaorchid · 28/10/2019 20:28

@Organicmamahope - sadly sounds quite similar! Do you mean perhaps no one cared as I was the woman? Bizarre as more than half of the group were women themselves.

Oh and none of them has ended up dating ex-DP or anything like that so I don’t think it was even that one of them fancied him!

OP posts:
CigarsofthePharoahs · 28/10/2019 20:32

I wouldn't be surprised if your ex was making you out to be the bad guy in the break up. He may have been reasonable to your face, but that's no guarantee of behaviour at other times. He may well have told lies about the actual reason for the break up.

Original poster
Lolitaorchid · 28/10/2019 20:35

@CigarsofthePharoahs I suppose that’s probably the likely answer - slightly hurtful that after all those years not one of them thought to question it!

The weirdest thing is out of all of them the ex was the one that remained most civil with me and continued to occasionally text me for a couple of years (nothing inappropriate, just checking in etc) and I often used to think ‘why are you talking to me and none of the others have for ages??’

OP posts:
Organicmamahope · 28/10/2019 20:36

The woman is often seen as the bad guy in my experience even if she's done nothing wrong. Halo effect means the man is looked as some kind of poor puppy who was wronged. Utterly unfair.

Original poster
Lolitaorchid · 28/10/2019 20:36

Surely bad mouthing someone/making shit up is massively immature behaviour for someone who was in their late 20s at the time?? Like school behaviour?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lolitaorchid · 28/10/2019 20:37

@Organicmamahope sadly you are probably right.

I mean good riddance to all of them but still, it’s hurtful!!

OP posts:
PianoTuner567 · 28/10/2019 20:40

Some women (bonkers ones) don’t like single women in their circle, they see them as potential husband-snatchers. Could there be an element of that?

Dljlr · 28/10/2019 20:41

Actually my ex husband has experienced this - all our mutual friends (some of whom I met through him) have completely phased him out, he's not invited to anything. Now, I think he's a cock. But, that's no one's business but mine, I've never said a single bad word about him to any of them (I kept that for my friends who were not at all mutual!), he and I are perfectly friendly - we get along really well, in fact, having been friends for years prior to getting together (and when it's kept to superficial social gatherings / him collecting DC etc.) and I never asked for them to do this; in fact I remarked a few times that it was odd that he hadn't been included in things. We're now almost 4 years post break-up and they have nothing to do with him. I can only assume that a) they never liked him much and/or b) his unpleasant behaviour towards me when we were together means I've not needed to ever bitch about him, because they'd already sussed he was a cock.

Not sure how much this helps you op, but thought I'd give another perspective where it's happened to the man instead!

Original poster
Lolitaorchid · 28/10/2019 20:45

@Dljlr that’s really interesting! Seems like it’s a group-think mentality in these situations.

I never really let on there was anything wrong in the relationship as I was mindful they were mutual friends and I certainly never acted horribly towards him so I don’t think they can have formed that opinion themselves. By the end he was a total nightmare/bore to be with and that’s how we drifted apart but I doubt anyone was aware of that! Weird that he was the one who kept that group!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lolitaorchid · 28/10/2019 20:46

@PianoTuner567 I hadn’t thought of that - I mean a few of them were single but most were coupled up. The man is never a threat then Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Lolitaorchid · 28/10/2019 21:31

Any other theories? Hmm

OP posts:
Doobigetta · 28/10/2019 21:57

Is it possible he started seeing someone, started inviting her out with the group, and they decided it would be awkward having you there as well?

Original poster
Lolitaorchid · 28/10/2019 22:13

@Doobigetta possibly but weird to just hear nothing of it and be blanked with no word?

OP posts:
Greenwingmemories · 28/10/2019 22:27

I do think there’s a bit of different treatment in these things. Like you quite often see a spare man hanging out with a couple but rarely a spare woman (eg Prince Harry pre Megan with Kate and William). Just can’t see Kate plus mate with William all the time.

Maybe there’s a societal thing that a bloke doesn’t want to hang out with two women. Or that a woman doesn’t want an unattached woman as a potential threat.

When you think about it, it’s weird but somehow it does seem to happen unconsciously that the woman in these scenarios is often excluded.

Andysbestadventure · 28/10/2019 22:51

They preferred him/maybe just tolerated you previously? Or if you think about it, did the friendship group revolve more around the males than the females?

StillCoughingandLaughing · 29/10/2019 01:31

Perhaps the friendships weren’t as mutual as you thought. Not to say that they disliked you; just that perhaps they saw you as X’s girlfriend rather than a friend in your own right.

I personally think it’s like Doobigetta says - he has a new woman who was less than keen on the idea of an ex being around.

GrumpyHoonMain · 29/10/2019 01:41

I agree that he probably moved on fairly quickly (or tried to) after your breakup and it was probably easier for the friends to welcome the presumably happier couple(s) than support you. The fact that you turned to other friends suggests they probably weren’t good friends to you in the first place so it’s no great loss. Don’t devote any brain space to them

cunningartificer · 29/10/2019 06:42

OP, you sound fairly independent, other friends etc. Could it be that they just saw him as more needy, asking him over when there were single women around etc to cheer him up and then felt more awkward including you? I saw this happen with friends of DP where actually everyone knew the man was to blame in a tough breakup, but because she got on with life and he was always sad, they tended to ask
him out to cheer him up and then didn’t ask her. They liked her, but understandably she prioritised other friends...

Original poster
Lolitaorchid · 29/10/2019 06:44

@Andysbestadventure maybe that’s it - i’d say the women were more the ring leaders/focus of the group though really.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lolitaorchid · 29/10/2019 06:45

@GrumpyHoonMain the funny thing is it was me who moved on and started dating pretty soon afterwards - he knew about it but I definitely didn’t flaunt it and i wasn’t at the stage where I’d bring someone along anyway.

OP posts:
TheCatInAHat · 29/10/2019 06:47

People possibly felt a bit uncomfortable with both of you in the group and feeling slightly awkward at get together and they picked a #team. Your ex possibly fed them a few lies along the way and they felt sorry for him.