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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why a group of friends would suddenly blank someone?

53 replies

Lolitaorchid · 28/10/2019 20:07

Something happened a few years ago and although it doesn’t keep me up at night I’d be interested in some views.

In brief, I was with a previous DP for a few years and we had many mutual friends that we had known for close to 10 years (some couples, some not) as we had been friends before. We had an amicable break up due to just drifting apart. We stayed perfectly civil and occasionally caught up after work or by text but there was no chance of us getting back together, both agreed we had grown apart etc. No hard feelings whatsoever, or so I thought.

Initially I made an effort to continue to socialise with said mutual friends group despite it being awkward when ex-DP was there (which he often was). At first I was fine and we used to just chat normally and I thought hiding the awkwardness quite well for the sake of not making friends choose sides etc.

As the months went on, the invites to events became less and less frequent. A couple of texts to friends went unanswered. I had other friends so hadn’t worried about it too much. I was a bit puzzled as I presumed things would have been more awkward at first but it seemed that as the months went on this group were finding it harder and harder socialising/remaining friends with both of us.

I then saw via social media that a group of them including ex-DP had gone on a holiday together and I had known nothing about it. I invited all of them to a house warming party and they either totally ignored it or made an excuse why not to attend. One of the couples got married and I wasn’t invited, again I just found out on social media.

As I said, I have totally moved on friends wise and am now married myself and have nothing to do with these people whatsoever.

However, I remain totally baffled as to what on earth could have happened to have made this group of people totally disown me after this break up, when it was amicable (and as far as I know ex-DP wasn’t heartbroken). I was closer to some of these people than DP was and some of them I had known longer than him.

I know people will just say ‘they didn’t really like you’ but I’m totally baffled and think ex-DP must have fed them some lies or something.

Has anyone had similar happen?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lolitaorchid · 29/10/2019 06:47

@cunningartificer at the time that was what I told myself- he didn’t really have any other friends at all whereas I had lots of unconnected friends. I saw it as him getting the friends in the ‘divorce’ Grin but it was just never discussed and it was a weird way to be treated.

I am very independent and as I said it’s just something I ponder occasionally as it’s strange and I never had an explanation!

OP posts:
TheCatInAHat · 29/10/2019 06:50

Also if you moved on to other friends and looked like you were doing well getting on with life they might have felt more of a connection to him if he changed less/didn’t crack on with making new friends and starting again.
Some people can start to question their own relationship and things when others go through separations and seem happier afterwards, might have felt uncomfortable for some hence distancing themselves.

sheshootssheimplores · 29/10/2019 06:52

Sounds to me like you came as a pair and once split up they picked the preferred person to stay in the group. Was he the super social one? Did he have some deeper or longer connections with some of the group?

BlouseAndSkirt · 29/10/2019 06:56

Was he more upset than he let on to you, or you missed the extent of his upset?

Or did you make a less good job of hiding the awkwardness than you thought you had?

Clangus00 · 29/10/2019 07:20

Maybe they all just didn’t like you to begin with and only put up with you because you were with your ex? Then when you broke up they were glad of the excuse to be rid of you?

Marnie76 · 29/10/2019 07:24

From your update it sounds as though they thought you were doing ok whereas he needed them more.

Original poster
Lolitaorchid · 29/10/2019 07:36

@TheCatInAHat that’s probably a very likely explanation actually

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Original poster
Lolitaorchid · 29/10/2019 07:38

@BlouseAndSkirt possibly - I mean he only once ever sent me a typical drunk ex text but I know that doesn’t mean he was fine!

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Original poster
Lolitaorchid · 29/10/2019 07:38

@Marnie76 probably but I guess I just can’t imagine treating anyone like that - ditching a friend completely because someone else was needy?

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Original poster
Lolitaorchid · 29/10/2019 07:39

@Clangus00 that’s what I have often thought - makes me look back at times as a group and holidays we went on and think god, maybe they hated me all along. A few of them I knew even before my ex though so that’s even worse.

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Original poster
Lolitaorchid · 29/10/2019 07:41

@sheshootssheimplores the funny thing is he had a tendency to rub people up the wrong way and wasn’t your typical likeable person really (like you wouldn’t meet him and instantly want to be his friend) so I wouldn’t say he was the most sociable at all. That’s what puzzles me a lot!

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Countryescape · 29/10/2019 07:43

I’d say a friend or tour experience bad mouthed you to the rest of the group. This happened to me. No one believed my version of events and low and behold, it was all confirmed recently. They (the friendship group) were all feeling very sheepish. I’ve moved on from them. They didn’t have my back and I’ll never forget that.

Redspider1 · 29/10/2019 07:43

This often happens when couples split up. He’s probably got a new partner and they feel the need to be loyal to him if they were his friends first. We had a couple we were really close to; went on holidays, meals out regularly. They split and we tried to stay friends with both but it drifted and we eventually lost both. Very sad.

Original poster
Lolitaorchid · 29/10/2019 07:45

@Countryescape I’m sure I’d feel the same - sorry to hear you went through that. I sometimes think about what I would say if I was face to face with them again!

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MintyMabel · 29/10/2019 07:57

Mutual friends are rarely mutual friends. Sounds like they were glad you split up.

Could your ex have badmouthed you to them all?

Yes, let’s jump to the conclusion it was the man what did it. After all, we know women are so quick to take their side in any break up. 🙄

MRex · 29/10/2019 07:59

It can definitely be awkward inviting both halves of a split-up couple out, when one has a new partner or when you want to introduce them to somebody else, then inviting a particular one could slip into habit. If you had a new boyfriend then perhaps they were worried you'd want to bring him along, which would hurt your ex. My parents knew one ex couple who got along well enough to be invited with their new partners, but generally in my experience you invite the exes separately; if they're out then they hear about another event and gradually it takes over that you're seeing just one of them. One of my friends was quite put out that we invited her ex (good friends with DH) to one thing that she wasn't going to, despite being invited to loads of other things herself, them supposedly getting along and her being responsible for the break-up. She was grumpy recently thinking we had been inviting him not her, when we hadn't invited anybody at all because we just took a break from hosting! It's a really tricky line to walk with friends, it might just be that the line of least resistance for them was to keep just one of you, they may not even have consciously picked but it just ended up being him because he happened to be at the events that led on to the next ones.

MrsFezziwig · 29/10/2019 08:00

I do think there’s a bit of different treatment in these things. Like you quite often see a spare man hanging out with a couple but rarely a spare woman (eg Prince Harry pre Megan with Kate and William). Just can’t see Kate plus mate with William all the time.

I think there’s some truth in this. I am lucky in that I had some really good friends who stuck by me even though I was a “spare woman”, but I went to group counselling post breakup and I was the exception in that most women there had just been dropped by their friendship groups.
Even if you didn’t feel awkward after the split probably your friends did, and if your ex didn’t really have any other friendship groups then they would probably have chosen him as they felt sorry for him, if they didn’t want to socialise with both of you. It doesn’t mean that he was bad mouthing you.

BlueJava · 29/10/2019 08:01

When a couple split up I think lots of people find it difficult to stay friends with both. I don't think he necessarily did bad mouth you - perhaps they found it difficult or awkward with you both there. That's tough on you though.

Original poster
Lolitaorchid · 29/10/2019 08:09

@MintyMabel I don’t think it’s stereotyping - unless they did a really good job of hiding their dislike for years then there’s not really another explanation for the sudden change!

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Original poster
Lolitaorchid · 29/10/2019 08:09

@BlueJava just makes you second guess friendships/relationships I suppose as you never know what people really think!

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Lolitaorchid · 29/10/2019 08:14

@MrsFezziwig that’s probably a fair assessment - it’s just disappointing to have friends act like that. Luckily I always had closer, much more supportive friends but it was just odd to lose a whole group!

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MintyMabel · 29/10/2019 11:22

I don’t think it’s stereotyping - unless they did a really good job of hiding their dislike for years then there’s not really another explanation for the sudden change!

That he is slagging you off is, I'm sure, a much more palatable reason for you.

MrsFezziwig · 29/10/2019 12:38

TBH OP the people who kept including me were the ones I was mainly bothered about, some of the others not so much (certainly wouldn’t have wanted to go on holiday in the early days with my ex as part of a group). And now time has passed we all socialise together again (including ex & partner) so it’s fine.

DNR · 29/10/2019 13:53

Might just be he had more contact with people in the group immediately after the break up. Maybe he was confiding in one of two about his feelings and kind of got in there first as far as staying part of the group.

weymouthswanderingmermaid · 29/10/2019 14:40

When you say you had mutual friends, do you mean that there are people in the group that were your friend first?

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