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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset

99 replies

Kerrence12 · 28/10/2019 19:44

Sorry about the long post!

So, my boyfriend and I have been together 18 months and we're about to move in together. We both work fulltime, but I have two early finshes a week. He's an avid cyclist and spends hours on a Saturday cycling with his friends. However this means that he only has one full day to get household stuff done - meal prep, washing, cleaning etc. But this one day is our only full day together a week. We live about 30 minutes drive away from each other, so every night, bar Wednesdays as I have a dance class, one of us will drive to the others and spend the night. Which has been ok up until about two months ago when it's started to become really tiresome for us both, as we feel like we're rushing around all the time.

Mondays are my early finish so I finish work, do the weekly shop, get home and do some house work and then it's time to go to his so we can have dinner and go to the gym together. I get to his after he arrives home and everything seems fine until I start getting stuff out for dinner. I was thinking kievs with veg and new potatoes but he got pissed because he wanted something "healthy". And by healthy he means me making a shepherds pie, lasagne or bolognaise from scratch. Keep in mind, I have been to work and have not stopped to even have lunch today so the last thing i want to be doing is spending ages in the kitchen cooking a lasagne or such like. This isn't the first time he's got shitty because I want to do something quick and easy with minimal washing up, as even though I wash as I go along I still have to help him tidy up after dinner. On a few occasions he's kicked up a fuss that I've not been at his house with dinner on the way before he gets in from cycling and I've been pissed off with him then and told him so. I dont mind cooking and usually when I have time I will make a real effort and try out a new recipe or make a fancy dinner, but I feel he expects this every time it's my turn to cook. 4 out of 7 days to be exact and nearly all of those days I make something from scratch.

It's starting to really upset me that he expects me to go all out making dinner each time it's my turn to cook, when I've been at work too and I have a house that needs cleaning and tidying and other day to day chores. He's constantly going on that I have two early finishes a week and he doesn't, so therefore he's busier than me so I should be more active in planning dinner etc. AIBU to be slightly pissed about this?

OP posts:

AlexaAmbidextra · 28/10/2019 22:25

Fucking cyclists. 🙄

StinkGhoul · 28/10/2019 22:57

Please tell me that you haven’t moved past the “talking about moving in together” phase?

This will only get worse. He’s utterly selfish and entitled. Don’t tie yourself to this!

fireworksandhotdogs · 28/10/2019 23:18

Omg who are you the hired help? Jesus woman sort yourself out and ditch the prick

Aquamarine1029 · 28/10/2019 23:42

I don't think op is interested in what we've all had to say...

eddielizzard · 29/10/2019 08:01

Until we know what effort he makes on his nights, we don't have the full picture.

And the OP is one of those who posts once and then off she fucks.

ragged · 29/10/2019 08:18

Just tell him to cook. Sheesh. Doesn't have to mean relationship end or a drama.

Original poster

Kerrence12 · 29/10/2019 08:48

So after a massive blow out last night and telling him exactly how he's made me feel with his attitude - 1950's housewife sums it up pretty good. He has agreed to put more effort in!

Everything else in our relationship is pretty good, it's just this one element that really bothers me. And now he knows just how much it pisses me off, hopefully he'll stop being an arse. 🤞

Thanks for all your help and advice!

OP posts:

AFairlyHardAvocado · 29/10/2019 09:43

I don't get how this is "just" one thing that's an issue though OP, it's about attitude and respect. You shouldn't have to try to not treat someone as your inferior. If that doesn't come naturally to someone I'm not sure they're a great bet as a long term partner.

He has made it clear by his actions that his default feeling is that he wants you to use your free time to do things that mean he can spend more of his free time how he pleases.

He has made it clear he thinks that you should cook for him because you're available - what if you didn't want to or had something else you wanted to do, presumably he'd feed himself.

Not only that but he actually has the nerve to sulk about what you cook for him! How about a thank you?! The entitlement is baffling and I don't understand how it isn't indicative to you of him being mean spirited and selfish.

He isn't treating these things as favours, but as an expectation.

Like I said to me this isn't even about the hobby or food specifically, it's about expectations, respect and his default mode being selfish.

He sounds like a nob tbh.

isitpossibleto · 29/10/2019 10:22

Hmm..well...give it some time. Put your plans to move in together back, don’t run around after him whilst he’s busy dicking about on his bike.

And look up ‘cycle of abuse’ and watch how long it takes to come back to near full circle before you end up ‘blowing up’ again. Also, you ‘blowing up’ will be used against you and YOU will end up the unreasonable/aggressive/middy/mental/demanding one.

I hope I’m wrong about the above, but I very much doubt it.

FinallyHere · 29/10/2019 10:25

Still following the thread to find out what sort of thing he cooks on his nights.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 29/10/2019 10:28

So many red flags.

You don't need to see each other every single bloody night!

And if you're at his; he cooks. If at your's, you cook if that's what you feel like doing.

Oh you can say 'Sod it' and get a takeaway once in a while (like we are tonight).

Please think very seriously about moving in with him. He has already shown you who he is. And listen to everyone else who has posted.

If you go through with this, and end up posting again in 6 months time about being stuck in a controlling relationship, that's on you. I really, sincerely, hope you don't do this.

eddielizzard · 29/10/2019 10:45

Give it a few weeks Kerrence, and see if he doesn't revert back. Def don't plan to move in with him for at least 6 months. If this is who he really is, he won't be able to keep the facade going for that long.

Boireannachlaidir · 29/10/2019 10:56

And now he knows just how much it pisses me off, hopefully he'll stop being an arse. 🤞

Er...no I don't think it's going to be as simple as that, sorry OP.

I still can't believe he expects you to cook a fucking lasagne/bolognese etc from scratch after your work and early finish Monday after being at your own home then a 30 min drive to his. What is he cooking from scratch for you? Fucking hell.

Shoxfordian · 29/10/2019 11:06

It's not one little issue
It's how he treats you and will continue to treat you if you let him.

Motoko · 29/10/2019 11:13

So that's it, is it? You post a thread, then don't come back until the next day, tell us you had a row and he's said he's going to "try", and you don't answer any of the questions pps have asked, and ignore all the warnings about your relationship.

swingofthings · 29/10/2019 11:18

I don't cook, I eat healthy. There's a lot of things you can get that mix the two. Just agree what quick meals he would be happy with health-wise.

It's really not that complicated.

swingofthings · 29/10/2019 11:23

Oh and I don't get how he is treating you like a maid if he cooks half of the time.

He is into healthy meals, so it's fair he isn't happy with what you were suggesting. I too wouldn't have chicken Kiev, full of butter nor potatoes in the evening.

You just need to communicate better

Furrydogmum · 29/10/2019 11:47

My DH enjoys mtb and road biking - never at the cost of family life.. If your DP is being like this now I wouldn't even consider moving in together.
Food wise DH is delighted with anything I cook on a daily basis - I do 90% of the cooking because I enjoy it, he does 100% diy because he enjoys it so we are balanced to a degree - the entitlement your DP is exhibiting does not bode well!

OkayGoooouuuuuullllll · 29/10/2019 11:50

Run run run run run run run

I cannot emphasise this enough.

category12 · 29/10/2019 19:50

Ahh, the innocence of youth - if I tell him how entitled and selfish he is, he'll stop and won't treat me like a skivvy anymore.

pictish · 29/10/2019 20:04

I do think it’s pretty galling that in this day and age he expects you to trot over to his place and get his dinner ready for him. You don’t live together, there is no need for either of you to do this. If he’s at yours, dinner is your remit and vice versa. I can’t imagine shopping and cooking for someone I didn’t live with. I certainly can’t fathom being moaned at for not coming up to scratch.
He may not be responsible for this dynamic alone. I’d have railed at being stuck with this task in the first place. How did you come by this arrangement at all? It sucks!

shrutefarm · 29/10/2019 23:14

He's not suddenly going to become not a misogynistic dick. It's who he is.

1Morewineplease · 29/10/2019 23:40

If you’re having such a major issue now, then don’t even think about moving in with him.
You say that he has said that he’ll put more effort in, but do you really think that it will be sustainable after about six months, when he might decide to become more competitive?
You should NOT be cooking for scratch for him on his return. Is he cooking from scratch for you at other times?
Don’t be a cycling widow!

Bluerussian · 30/10/2019 01:14

Lots of good suggestions on this thread, op, and I am glad you have tackled the issue with your man. He may see it your way and make an effort towards things being different - that does happen sometimes.

If he doesn't take it firmly on board, you know what to do without me advising it!

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