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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset

99 replies

Kerrence12 · 28/10/2019 19:44

Sorry about the long post!

So, my boyfriend and I have been together 18 months and we're about to move in together. We both work fulltime, but I have two early finshes a week. He's an avid cyclist and spends hours on a Saturday cycling with his friends. However this means that he only has one full day to get household stuff done - meal prep, washing, cleaning etc. But this one day is our only full day together a week. We live about 30 minutes drive away from each other, so every night, bar Wednesdays as I have a dance class, one of us will drive to the others and spend the night. Which has been ok up until about two months ago when it's started to become really tiresome for us both, as we feel like we're rushing around all the time.

Mondays are my early finish so I finish work, do the weekly shop, get home and do some house work and then it's time to go to his so we can have dinner and go to the gym together. I get to his after he arrives home and everything seems fine until I start getting stuff out for dinner. I was thinking kievs with veg and new potatoes but he got pissed because he wanted something "healthy". And by healthy he means me making a shepherds pie, lasagne or bolognaise from scratch. Keep in mind, I have been to work and have not stopped to even have lunch today so the last thing i want to be doing is spending ages in the kitchen cooking a lasagne or such like. This isn't the first time he's got shitty because I want to do something quick and easy with minimal washing up, as even though I wash as I go along I still have to help him tidy up after dinner. On a few occasions he's kicked up a fuss that I've not been at his house with dinner on the way before he gets in from cycling and I've been pissed off with him then and told him so. I dont mind cooking and usually when I have time I will make a real effort and try out a new recipe or make a fancy dinner, but I feel he expects this every time it's my turn to cook. 4 out of 7 days to be exact and nearly all of those days I make something from scratch.

It's starting to really upset me that he expects me to go all out making dinner each time it's my turn to cook, when I've been at work too and I have a house that needs cleaning and tidying and other day to day chores. He's constantly going on that I have two early finishes a week and he doesn't, so therefore he's busier than me so I should be more active in planning dinner etc. AIBU to be slightly pissed about this?

OP posts:
billybagpuss · 28/10/2019 20:50

How many meals a week does he do and what does he cook for you?

Gileadisreal · 28/10/2019 20:55

Well phew. Thank goodness he's showed you who he is before you've moved in and got pregnant. Lucky escape there OP. Take the advice on here and lose the arrogant twat.

Loveislandaddict · 28/10/2019 20:55

What does he cook for you? Or do you do all the cooking?

If he is at (his) home first, why isn’t he cooking at yours?

In future, why don’t you eat at home and meet him at the gym? Problem solved.

Does he do the housework, washing etc at his house, or have you already fallen into doing all the ‘wife-work’?

Your post made me think that he was in the 1950s, ie. him expecting the good little woman at home to serve the master of the house with a home-made meal.

If he complains you have more time, tell him to do less cycling. Irts a hobby, not compulsory.

I don’t think the relationship is doomed, but I feel some serious conversations needs to be had.

plightofthealbatross · 28/10/2019 20:57

I wouldn't move in with him. I'd reconsider your relationship with him entirely, in fact.

Bluerussian · 28/10/2019 21:05

There's nothing unhealthy about chicken kiev with new potatoes and veg, what planet is the man on? I'm more concerned that he gets so cross if you don't arrive at his with dinner in kit form, never mind cooking from scratch (not everything cooked from scratch is particularly healthy either).

Please do not move in with this man. He still has a lot of growing up to do and he seems to have very old fashioned ideas about a woman's work.

Brideof2020 · 28/10/2019 21:05

Don't move in with him. In fact I think you seriously need to reevaluate your relationship altogether.

restingbitchfacenot · 28/10/2019 21:08

@Kerrence12 he's looking for a mother. Run sister!

HeyNotInMyName · 28/10/2019 21:15

He is getting shitty because you haven’t cooked a meal from scratch AT HIS HOUSE ?!?

I wouldn’t move in with him until he has proven he wants an equal relationship, not a maid. (Which I doubt he will be able to do))

MuchTooTired · 28/10/2019 21:22

Run away. If he’s like this before you’ve even moved in together, god knows what sort of an arse he’ll turn into once you live with him, or (if you want kids!) when you’ll be on ml.

thisneverendingsummer · 28/10/2019 21:23

@Kerrence12

Agree. Run like the wind.

@Bluerussian

There's nothing unhealthy about chicken kiev with new potatoes and veg, what planet is the man on? (not everything cooked from scratch is particularly healthy either.)

Also agree that chicken kiev is not bad or unhealthy or 'fattening,' and neither is lasagne, spaghetti bolognese, shepherds pies, or pasties etc (as several posters have said.)

I never understand this mentality that certain foods are 'bad' or 'unhealthy.' It's toxic and dangerous. NO FOOD IS BAD FOR YOU. Have anything/everything in moderation, and be sensible to have a balanced diet. Eg, I have a mini pizza (like, chicago town,) and I will have a bowl of mixed salad with it. So my meal is 1/3 mini pizza, and 2/3 salad.

As I said, everything in moderation, and be sensible, and FGS dispense with this toxic mindset that any type of food is BAD or UNHEALTHY. No food is bad or unhealthy or 'fattening.' Not if eaten in moderation. Little and often is the key. Not depriving yourself of foods that you deem as fattening and unhealthy.

Whataliberty · 28/10/2019 21:23

@LordNibbler spot on!

GodammitGreg · 28/10/2019 21:27

I would put the brakes on moving in. He will expect scratch cooking every night. Tell him t' get on his bike! 🖕🏿🚴🏿‍♂️

spongedog · 28/10/2019 21:27
  1. How old are you both? Seriously just wondering if he has ever lived away from home independently. I know he has his own home - not quite the same.
  1. He is #entitled - please do not move in with him until this has been sorted for several years. He sounds dreadful and this will only get worse after children.
  1. Please make yourself less available at weekends. Go away for weekends with friends, develop a solo hobby - extend your dancing.
  1. You are moving in together? Please dont buy or sign a long term rental contract with this man.
Wearywithteens · 28/10/2019 21:31

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

VanyaHargreeves · 28/10/2019 21:32

Look,

MN is AWASH with FWOC

Frustrated Wives Of Cyclists

So much so that the first reply to a vague mention of a DH having a hobby is...

Is it cycling?

If the husband is a cycling hobbyist then generally the DC and family life come way down the list in his priorities

As many have said "get out before you have kids with him"

Jennifer11 · 28/10/2019 21:33

Please listen to the answers on here - he's an arse and wants a skivvy/mother not a partner. Please dont move in with him.

Interestedwoman · 28/10/2019 21:33

Yep, no food is unhealthy, and besides, spag bol, lasagne and shepherds can all be made really low fat etc. Especially spag bol can be made really healthy with lots of veg, tomatoes etc so it's kind of the mediterranean diet and really good. Lasagne could probably made similarly. Even the mashed potato in shepherds is unduly stigmatised- it's a vegetable.

Anyway OP! :) He sounds annoying, in this respect at least. At the very least you need to put your foot down and say you don't want to cook that much, and what you want from him with the other chores etc, or whatever else that's on your mind. Better that than staying with, moving in with or marrying someone with draining expectations. Go for it :)

category12 · 28/10/2019 21:39

Why do so many pricks love cycling? Every Lycra clad male cyclist I’ve ever known or heard about is a total arse...

And why do women put up with this?

Muscly thighs?

MouseMartin · 28/10/2019 21:39

This does sound like a relationship that is out of balance at best but please don't confuse cyclists with sport cyclists. Riding a bike is a great thing to do but it doesn't automatically turn you into a selfish individual.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 28/10/2019 21:49

About to move in together?!

Regardless of his unfair and selfish expectations?

I don't understand why someone would want to leave their own place to move in with their partner when the partner in question isn't even nice to them!

He has as much free time as you, he just spends some of his cycling and you spend the same amount of time cooking for you both (because he's cycling!)

His behaviour is childish at best and cunty at worst. The latter is a better description I think.

Chin him off OP he's treating you like a mum and a maid all rolled into one!

ShadowOnTheSun · 28/10/2019 21:53

Ugh. I HATE people who are fussy about food, fucking HATE them! Grew up with a dad like that. My mum, admittedly, is not a great cook, but that's irrelevant. He used to come home from work, walk into the kitchen, check the pots and pans and then immediately start bitching, winning and ranting about its contents. Every. Single. Time. Often he would kick up a right storm just because the meal was not what he imagined. Fucker.

I grew up practically wanting to find a man just like him JUST SO I could tell him what a pathetic bastardly moronic twat he is, and how he can fuck right off with his stupid whinging (and whatever's in the pot would end up on his head). Half joking here, but only half.

Leave the twat. Seriously, leave him. Let him cook his own Shepherd's pies after full day's work. You're not even living together just yet, and he's already treating you like his subservient 'little woman'. Fuck that.

Wearywithteens · 28/10/2019 21:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

thisneverendingsummer · 28/10/2019 22:02

@ShadowOnTheSun

No, no, no. don't sit on the fence! Please say what you think! Grin

thisneverendingsummer · 28/10/2019 22:19

@Interestedwoman

Yep, no food is unhealthy, and besides, spag bol, lasagne and shepherds can all be made really low fat etc. Especially spag bol can be made really healthy with lots of veg, tomatoes etc so it's kind of the Mediterranean diet and really good. Lasagne could probably made similarly. Even the mashed potato in shepherds is unduly stigmatised- it's a vegetable.

Well said. Smile

thisneverendingsummer · 28/10/2019 22:20

@VanyaHargreeves

MN is AWASH with FWOC.

Frustrated Wives Of Cyclists.

LOL. Also FWOF, and FWOG and FWOR (frustrated wives of Fishermen, frustrated wives of Golfers, and frustrated wives of Runners.)

In short, they're all frustrated wives of men who take up hobbies that enable them to spend as much time away from the wife, home, and kids, and any responsibilities.

Have to agree with @Wearywithteens that every lycra clad man I have ever known/met/encountered is a total twunt.

I know there are plenty who are quite nice, decent, pleasant people, but I have never met any unfortunately!!! And SOME are bloody arrogant and annoying, they ride 4 abreast on the main A roads!, and they think they own the roads!