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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner and his mother talking about me behind my back

56 replies

Rmae · 27/10/2019 20:57

So I dont have anybody else to talk to about this but I just discovered that my partner and his mom has been talking about me behind my back. I saw all the messages on his phone when I went to set his alarm for work in the morning and saw a text from her asking if he was okay which I thought I would reply to on his behalf as he does the same for me, that's when I saw all the messages that I'm lazy, I dont do anything, I take ages to wash up my babies bottles and how I cant look after her properly. I've been suffering from depression for years now and now I'm suffering from postnatal depression on top, also my dad passed away very unexpectedly just less than a month after I gave birth. They both know this and I thought I had a fantastic relationship with them both so I thought they would understand, never did i imagine my own partner calling me a lazy bitch and his mom saying she'll have a go at me and that she has to look after my daughter because I cant do it properly and I'm lazy but my partner cant even look after our child for 5 minutes without calling me to have her back. Worst thing is we all live together at his moms and i dont have anywhere else to go. I dont know what else to do but I just want to take me and the baby and just leave them behind. Would you do the same?

OP posts:
Candle1000 · 27/10/2019 21:02

You poor thing, I’m so sorry you are having a difficult time. I would certainly look at leaving, you need people who are supportive not two faced back stabbers . Could you ask about social housing , maybe ask your health visitor for help with finding alternative accommodation?

Anotheruser02 · 27/10/2019 21:02

Flowers God you've had so much going on, that must've been so crushing to read. Yes I would want to do the same, do you have a friend nearby you can visit for now?

StarfishOfDoom · 27/10/2019 21:02

Wow. Ok, This does all sound rather shitty. I think you need some third party support OP. Do you have a good relationship with your Health Visitor? Or do you go to a children's centre?
I think talking to a professional outside of the immediate environment will give you clarity.

Witchinaditch · 27/10/2019 21:02

Yes leave. Sorry for your loss

justilou1 · 27/10/2019 21:05

You need to forward these messages to yourself as evidence (so you don’t backtrack) and then apply for every kind of benefit and help available and get the fuck out of that house. No wonder you have had PND!!!

Rmae · 27/10/2019 21:06

I was thinking about applying for a rented house from the council just so I've got somewhere to go and I'm always stuck in the house with them, theres messages saying they hate when I go to my moms because they brainwash me and called them every name under the sun. I would talk to my HV but his mom is always around when she comes over.

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 27/10/2019 21:10

Can your mother come and get you both?

StarfishOfDoom · 27/10/2019 21:11

In that case Rmae book an appointment with your GP.
Tell your GP exactly what is going on and they can put you in touch with relevant agencies like women's refuges.
Obviously you don't want your DP or MIL to know why you are going to the GP so make up an excuse about having an ear infection or similar.

BananaPeach · 27/10/2019 21:11

Please get some advice from the council. Leaving the home could be seen as making yourself intentionally homeless

Anotheruser02 · 27/10/2019 21:13

How often do you see the HV, could you see her at the clinic? or slip her a note asking for a private chat? Do they actually just act normal in front of you when they are thinking all of this?

StarfishOfDoom · 27/10/2019 21:14

The other question I have is why are they texting each other if they live in the same house?
Do get screenshots and send them to a friend or family member.

Rmae · 27/10/2019 21:15

She could yeah but I dont want her to know about the situation. His mom started an arguement when I was in labour, with my mom and my mom left and missed the birth because of her. I dont want things to kick off, I'd rather handle it as quickly and quietly as possible.

OP posts:
Thehop · 27/10/2019 21:15

How old are you and your baby OP?

Candle1000 · 27/10/2019 21:16

Pass your health visitor a note asking for a private chat or go to your mums ?

Candle1000 · 27/10/2019 21:18

Please tell your mum , you shouldn’t have to deal with this alone - your mum obviously knows what they are like .

Rmae · 27/10/2019 21:18

Yeah they both act fine around me that's why I thought we all had a great relationship, obviously when he gets home he stays in his chill out room until night whilst I'm left to look after the baby by myself or when his mother takes her downstairs because 'im that useless of a mother I keep her in the bedroom'.

OP posts:
Stephminx · 27/10/2019 21:19

I’m sorry you’ve found / seen this. You’ve obviously been having a hard time and need support and understanding from your DH and MIL.

First things first - are you getting help for your MH. Do you feel it’s working ? If not, get to the doctors and see what else can done to help.

In terms of how to deal with your DH - I’d expect he’s also struggling. A new baby is a lot for anyone, everyone’s sleep deprived and he’s supporting you too. It could be he’s just letting off steam to his mum rather than blowing up at you. It’s better he does this and gets it out of his system than blow up at you. It’s also a lot for at least 3 adults to be living together and I’m guessing the situation has impacted your MIL too. They could just be venting, but I’d be wary of this crossing over into something else with them winding each other up.

However, from what you’ve said it does sound a bit bullying as it appears to have gone beyond just a rant if she’s threatening to sort you out.

Just out of interest - does he feel you are doing what you can to get better ? If not, he might be getting frustrated / resentful as a result.

Can you sit down calmly and talk to him, explain what you saw by accident and how it made you feel ? Explain what you are doing to address your MH and that you want to get better. You’ll need to see what he has to say about the messages.

(Side point you’ll prob get hassle about looking at his phone, but neither my DH or I are precious about ours and from what you’ve said I don’t think it’s really an issue).

Im sure you’re not lazy but MH issues can affect our energy etc... I don’t know if there is any truth to what he’s saying about not washing bottles quickly etc... (although that’s quite a minor thing really - I’m not suffering but still don’t get my washing up done immediately) but I assume they’re done before use ? If not, he’ll have a point that they need doing but if they are he’ll need to relax on his expectations if you are getting it done. Maybe you need to sit together and work out a list of what you feel you can do - it might help you both manage expectations. But it should be done positively and not just be a chance for him to list your perceived failures. You can also tell him what support / help you need.

I know MH issues can be complex, so who knows if what I’m suggesting would work or help. I know some with depression can feel better if they are forced to get up, get moving, endorphins flowing, trying to operate as “normal” as far as possible etc... but that some sufferers find that impossible to cope with.

I’m sure you are doing the best you can for your baby, but part of that is getting your MH in order so you must look after yourself too (which includes the usual fresh air, try going for walks with baby etc).

Good luck.

HeadfirstForHalos · 27/10/2019 21:20

Can't you go and stay with your mum? That's what I'd do if I were you. Staying in this situation will only make your depression worse, you'll probably find your mental health improves when you're away from them.

Anotheruser02 · 27/10/2019 21:20

It will come out anyway, so you may as well tell your mum. I remember a thread about a year ago where a new mum was diagnosed with PND, then when she realised she was a victim of coercive control by the partner and his mother, she made her break and suddenly the PND left her too. I'm not saying you couldn't have it, but people can bring you down too, she sounds like she was already hard work before you knew about here communications.

Stephminx · 27/10/2019 21:21

It looks like I’ve cross posted there and the situation is worse than I initially thought.

I’d second speaking to your own support network - your mum, dr, HV etc...

Rmae · 27/10/2019 21:21

My health visitor is sometimes at the childrens centre but she's only there every 2/3 weeks I'm guessing so I'm never sure when she's there. It also takes a while to get an appointment at the GP as well.

OP posts:
Summercamping · 27/10/2019 21:25

Take your time. Say nothing for now. Make a gp appointment as early as possible and ask them for help. Women's aid would also be a good place to call while you're out. Make a plan first, then you can go.

So sorry for your situation

GruciusMalfoy · 27/10/2019 21:25

OP, go to your mum if you think she will be the support you need just now. I can't imagine living with them will be helping at all with your depression. You may, since you're away from the atmosphere, realise exactly what they're doing to you. If you really can't talk to your mum, insecind the suggestion of seeing HV in clinic alone, or seeing your doctor. Take care of you and LO. I really feel for you Flowers

Jeleste · 27/10/2019 21:27

Im sorry youre going through this OP!

Im a little conflicted about it. Its terrible they talk behind your back like that, but what im i terested in is how they both treat you. Are you feeling the hostility as well when you are around them? Or is it maybe just their way of blowing off steam? Maybe they are also struggling with your depression and need to release their tension somehow?

I think you should try and have an honest talk with you DH. Find out how he feels about the whole situation. If they are lovely to you and help you out and pull themselves together in front of you to help you out i think that should count for something. Sometimes we just need some form of blowing off steam on the things that are hard for us.

Anotheruser02 · 27/10/2019 21:28

Could you have enough access to his phone to photograph the messages without being caught? If you have been vulnerable with your MH, they could make you doubt yourself later. Send to a friend or family member for safe keeping.

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