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Original poster

Partner and his mother talking about me behind my back

56 replies

Rmae · 27/10/2019 20:57

So I dont have anybody else to talk to about this but I just discovered that my partner and his mom has been talking about me behind my back. I saw all the messages on his phone when I went to set his alarm for work in the morning and saw a text from her asking if he was okay which I thought I would reply to on his behalf as he does the same for me, that's when I saw all the messages that I'm lazy, I dont do anything, I take ages to wash up my babies bottles and how I cant look after her properly. I've been suffering from depression for years now and now I'm suffering from postnatal depression on top, also my dad passed away very unexpectedly just less than a month after I gave birth. They both know this and I thought I had a fantastic relationship with them both so I thought they would understand, never did i imagine my own partner calling me a lazy bitch and his mom saying she'll have a go at me and that she has to look after my daughter because I cant do it properly and I'm lazy but my partner cant even look after our child for 5 minutes without calling me to have her back. Worst thing is we all live together at his moms and i dont have anywhere else to go. I dont know what else to do but I just want to take me and the baby and just leave them behind. Would you do the same?

OP posts:
Winterdaysarehere · 27/10/2019 21:28

I would be heartbroken to think my dd was living like you are pet, please confide in your dm, call a taxi and take your baby and go to her.

Isitnearlyweekend · 27/10/2019 21:29

How absolutely awful for you. They sound like a piece of work. Pnd is so isolating and it makes you question everything you do. I hope you have someone you can confide in and get support from. Don’t do anything rash, take your time to think about what to do. Big hugs x

Original poster
Rmae · 27/10/2019 21:30

I cant really talk to my partner about anything, when I had a panic attack he shouted in my face and when I told him that my depression might be getting worse he just says that I'm lazy and if I stop being lazy then I'll stop being depressed. I've been depressed since I started self harming when I was 11 years old, OD at 14 and have been recovering ever since, they both know that. The day my dad died was the only day I grieved because the next day they didn't help me look after the baby and my partner went back to moaning at me again. I'm 20 and baby is almost 4 months. They both say they dont understand why I have 'bitch fits' and do nothing when I have the luxury to stay at home all day raising a baby, she didn't even come home one night because she was going to flip at me for huffing and puffing. I honestly feel like a single parent, he won't watch her, won't wash her bottles, wash her clothes, buy her clothes or buy her milk or nappies. I've had to do everything even though they knew I had no money and they both work high pay jobs.

OP posts:
Shooturlocalmethdealer · 27/10/2019 21:31

How horrible. That would knock me for six. I'm so sorry for you OP
Try to make arrangements to leave with your baby asap
Tell your mother or any friends. This isnt something you should be carrying around on your own.

LittleOwl153 · 27/10/2019 21:33

Do you have a number for the health visitor. If you do leave a message saying you need to speak to her / see her urgently, and away from your dh/mil. They will get it can help you.

LittleOwl153 · 27/10/2019 21:35

No strike that Op - just seen your last update. Got to your mothers. Contact the local health visitor there. Get yourself and your little one out of there.

BBBear · 27/10/2019 21:36

Can you go to your Mum’s house?

LittleOwl153 · 27/10/2019 21:36

And if you can do so safely take photos of the messages on his screen, and get any financial info you can too. Your mum will want to help.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 27/10/2019 21:36

Please speak to your Mum, get out of there. I wouldn't be surprised if your depression started improving when you get out of there. It sounds awful and so do they.

Anotheruser02 · 27/10/2019 21:38

Don't screen shot, you'll have to have time to delete the screen shots, then delete the messages where you sent them to yourself.

thatwasMauijustmessingaround · 27/10/2019 21:43

So you have any of your old Midwife's contact details? For example, mine emailed me something and has text me before. If you have a phone/email you could get in contact and ask her for the HVs number or contact details. Arrange ti see her via email/text?

FWIW, I would tell my mum and get her to come fetch me. Regardless of past upsets etc.

You've gotta get out of there...

Original poster
Rmae · 27/10/2019 21:46

I was thinking I might just go to my moms until I can get something of my own sorted, I'd just prefer to be on my own with baby I think, I've always done well on my own and I was getting better at the start of this relationship but so many things have happened in this relationship i think this might be the last straw, the messages go back till September, multiple messages a week about me. I think he's been deleting them because him and his mother text multiple times a day so god knows how long this has been going on for. The last time I borrowed his phone as mine was broke and found he was talking to multiple girls throughout the relationship and pregnancy, knowing we had so many scares that something might be wrong with her and he was flirting with more than 5 girls at the same time, I thought I could let that go and that would be the last incident but they just keep getting worse.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 27/10/2019 22:16

Get out of this asap OP, you and your baby deserve better. Flowers

Lolapusht · 27/10/2019 22:17

OP you sound like you have been very vulnerable for a long time.

How he has treated you wrt your panic attack/depression is appalling and unforgivable. Stopping being lazy (and I don’t think for one second you are! No mother of a 4 month old baby can possibly be lazy. Sounds like classic projection.) does not get rid of depression. You don’t just have a quick tidy up, pop a washing on and read a book and your depression goes. From what you’ve posted, it sounds like you are in an abusive relationship plus you’re living with his mum who bullies and belittles you too. Both of those things would definitely add to your depression and removing yourself from that situation would probably help lessen your depression.

Why are you both living at his mum’s? If they’ve both got well paid jobs, why isn’t he living on his own and why on Earth is he not contributing financially to his daughter? Leave and claim through CMS. What is “his chill out room”? Does he still have his childhood bedroom by chance that he takes himself off to play on his computer while you look after his daughter?? In any day, how much time does he spend interacting with her? That might help you decide if you’re going to leave.

The texting other women would be enough for me to LTB. I might be wrong, but he sounds like an abusive mummy’s boy who is never going to a parent who is sucking the joy out of your life and bringing nothing positive to you. If that is the case, please tell your mum and go and stay with her. Not sure, but you may get additional help re housing if you’re leaving an abusive relationship.

Look after yourself Flowers

Original poster
Rmae · 27/10/2019 22:33

He transformed his garage into his chill out room where he smokes and has his friends over most of the time. I'd say in a day he interacts with his daughter for like 30 minutes. He does have a very controlling mentality, even his mother said he does, I can't wear or buy certain clothes, I dont have any friends, wants to know who I'm texting and what they've said, if I go out he needs to know where I'm going, I cant stay out too long even if I'm at my moms and he won't let me take our daughter out to certain places on my own. The only social media I have is Facebook and he doesn't like me on that either. I was going to leave but then I got pregnant and he got better with it but he's gone back to his old self. He had the opportunity to buy a car and get himself an apartment but he's wasted his money and still does, then moans at me that he's wasted money and always brings up that he spends so much money on me but that's on food and nothing else. He's only brought her nappies twice and that's it. When my dad passed away he left me and my siblings with money but I wanted to save that up to get a place of my own, instead I'm using it to provide for our daughter and do the shopping. I joked about how he doesn't want me to wear certain clothes like jean's and he said he said he would prefer it if I wore a burka. My last relationship was just as controlling and I've jumped back into another one. I've told him if I could work then I would because I loved it and i do miss it, even when i was studying law at college he didn't like it because there was loads of boys around. He said hes partly like that because I've had a lot of past relationships and I talked to people he knows but that was before I started talking to him and he makes me feel so guilty because of it because I'm his first for everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rmae · 27/10/2019 22:35

I think I've just realised how controlling he is by talking about his behaviour towards me. I just ignored it before I think because I didn't want to believe he was like that

OP posts:
ExcitedForFuture · 27/10/2019 22:38

Ask your HV to meet you at your mums for an appointment as you need to discuss something with her. She should be happy to do that. Also you can speak to any HV at the clinic, not just your allocated one. If you get the chance you could also call the HVs and ask for yours or the Duty HV (if they have one).

lakeswimmer · 27/10/2019 22:38

OP he has no redeeming features at all - you need to leave - he's bad for you and your daughter Flowers

Beesandcheese · 27/10/2019 22:46

The controlling ones are like that. It seems really obvious that it's control once you get it all out in a list. But within it you're too "conditioned" just trying to think straight is difficult sometimes.

Magicmama92 · 27/10/2019 22:47

Oh love :( please go to your mums. This isn't healthy and him and his mum are being disgusting to you. You can apply for council housing and go from there. Dont let him
worm his way back in.

Original poster
Rmae · 27/10/2019 23:03

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate it, I guess I needed this advice from those that aren't afraid to tell me how it is. I dont think I deserve this, I've tried for so long to have a positive outlook on life because I want to live, you've all made me realise that staying with them is making me question that. They dont understand how long I've been trying to heal and it feels like I'll have to start over again. Leaving is definitely the best choice for me, my mom would be more than happy to have me staying with her for a while especially now my dad has gone. It's just upsetting that I let my dad meet him thinking he was the perfect one and I know hes passed away thinking I'm in good hands and I'm safe.

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 27/10/2019 23:04

Please just go to your mums with your baby. You can find your feet afterwards.

You sound so unhappy and this is a completely abusive situation from the pair of them. Bastards.

ThreeLittleDots · 27/10/2019 23:05

Cross-posted - stay safe OP, hope you can call your mum soon x

ThreeLittleDots · 27/10/2019 23:06

And so sorry to hear about your Dad - you are much stronger than you think I'll bet - you sound like a real survivor.

Lolapusht · 27/10/2019 23:20

Your dad would just want you to be safe and happy and if he knew what was really going on he’d want you back home straight away.

Keep posting if you need support/help/someone to listen to you.

Have a look at this when you can as it may help Freedom Programme

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