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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish dp earned more

77 replies

Thesecondfear · 27/10/2019 18:55

And yes. It is horrendously sexist and disgusting. But I do.

I work full time. My friends are part time or SAHMs. We have no family support. Permaskint, permatired, permagrumpy.

And I’m being unreasonable and a most unpleasant person to boot but I can’t help it.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 27/10/2019 18:56

Do you earn as much as him?

Original poster
Thesecondfear · 27/10/2019 18:56

I earn more in fact

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 27/10/2019 18:57

You’re not an unpleasant person.

Are you happy in your job? With your salary? Can you change the things that are within your power to change?

He might well wish you earned more.

yellowpolkadots101 · 27/10/2019 18:57

What does he do and what does he earn? Is there potential for him to progress?

NameChangedNoImagination · 27/10/2019 18:58

If you want more money, earn more money. You can wish all you like but at the end of the day it's his life, his choice if he wants to progress in career or not.

HeadLikeAFuckinOrange · 27/10/2019 18:58

YANBU to wish for more.

YABVU for resenting him for something you already knew before you married (and had a family with?) him.

thisisthetime · 27/10/2019 18:58

YANBU. You probably wish you earned more too. Life is generally easier with a larger income. Is he in any position to increase his salary over time? Are you?

Mummyshark2018 · 27/10/2019 18:59

If you earn more can your dh work less then maybe you'd be less tired and grumpy? Doesn't resolve money issue though!

marblesgoing · 27/10/2019 19:00

If the options available can't you work full time earning more and your dh work part time for children?

Makes sense if it's a possible option op

Anotherlongdrive · 27/10/2019 19:02

Yes yabu.

If you wanted a higher earning dp you shouldnt have had a baby with this man.

Are you saying g you want to be a sahp? Or part time? Because that sounds like you are saying 'he should earn more so I can contribute less'.

Being skint, is shit. If you dont want to be skint work on your own career.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 27/10/2019 19:04

Does he want to progress/earn more, or is he not bothered,? Ime the issue is usually that someone just will not try and is ok with a more modest financial position.

Gizlotsmum · 27/10/2019 19:04

We are just attempting to make the above suggestion work. I am currently part time but have more earning potential than my husband (and not comission dependant) so I am trying to go full time and once I have he will look for something part time.

Ginger1982 · 27/10/2019 19:06

Did you not consider this before having kids? Sounds like you're jealous of your friends.

june2007 · 27/10/2019 19:09

I wish I earned more, I mean don,t we all. But some jobs aren,t that well paid.

Gizlotsmum · 27/10/2019 19:11

Also my husbands wage has dropped (commission based) so it might not be that the op married the husband with the earning potential he has now.

Babymamaroon · 27/10/2019 19:13

YANBU. It's one of those things that can creep in over time, quite insidiously. One day you wake up and wish you could spend more time with the kids or have a little more time to deal with the domestic side of life or just feel less frazzled in general.

So I'm going to go with try and work towards goals that keep you as stress free as you can, outsource what you can afford to make life easier and use your earnings to plan time out.

Comfort yourself with the knowledge that so many of us are in the same boat and it won't last forever.

Original poster
Thesecondfear · 27/10/2019 19:13

It’s logical isn’t it - want more, earn more.

But the truth is that’s not always possible. I’m 40 odd in any case, a bit old to be chasing the career in investment banking or stem!

I know I’m being a twat.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thesecondfear · 27/10/2019 19:13

I am ginger!

OP posts:
itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 27/10/2019 19:17

Yes completely unreasonable and shallow

You knew this going in so shouldn't have come as a surprise....

Paying for childcare is only for a relatively few number of years anyway in the grand scheme of things

I earn 3x DH so there was no way I'd be able to be a STAHM and to be honest I'd likely outearn most men so this was always going to be the case for me - no point bitching and moaning about it. Very few families these days can afford for one parent to be a STAHP

edwinbear · 27/10/2019 19:17

I understand OP. DH is about to be made redundant for the 2nd time in 7 years. In his industry, at his age, realistically, he won’t get another job so our income will halve.

It’s not his fault at all, but I feel resentful. I agree with PP’s that the only sphere of influence you have is over your own career/income. So maybe try to up your own salary to take some pressure off.

BilboBercow · 27/10/2019 19:19

If you earn more than him surely it makes sense for you to work full time and him part time? Or does that mess up your old fashioned sensibilities?

BilboBercow · 27/10/2019 19:19

If you earn more than him surely it makes sense for you to work full time and him part time? Or does that mess up your old fashioned sensibilities?

MummytoCSJH · 27/10/2019 19:20

Eh @BilboBercow ? OP says she works full time! YANBU OP - everyone wishes for something they don't have once in a while. It's harder when you work hard and feel like you get nothing from it.

orangeteal · 27/10/2019 19:22

You are not even half way through your working life assuming you retire at 68, so it is far from too late to improve your own earning potential. Is your DH happy with his job? With his lot? Is he able to retrain?

lynzpynz · 27/10/2019 19:23

There's nothing wrong to wish your family had more cash flow, you could work less and be less tired, grumpy and constantly juggling bills. That's normal!!

I also earn more than DH, work ft and whilst I'm proud of where I've got to in my career I do look wistfully at sahm friends coffee schedules, time with kids, no work stress! That being said they have their own woes, complain of feeling like a skivvy, kids taken over their lives, no me time etc. and I'm sure they hear of my overnights away with work (which I dread!) wistfully as an excuse for a full night's sleep etc.! The grass isn't always greener.

Wishing is one thing, I'd ask yourself what can you do to make your work life balance better? Can you downsize, amalgamate bills, budget shop, side hustle business, open university short term pain for long term gain (assuming you haven't or don't already that is)? Im not saying you are one of them but I know several people who are killing themselves paying for the bigger than needed house, bigger than needed car etc. yet are missing out on family time and worry they will regret it later.

Still hoping for my lottery win...