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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish dp earned more

77 replies

Thesecondfear · 27/10/2019 18:55

And yes. It is horrendously sexist and disgusting. But I do.

I work full time. My friends are part time or SAHMs. We have no family support. Permaskint, permatired, permagrumpy.

And I’m being unreasonable and a most unpleasant person to boot but I can’t help it.

OP posts:
MsAwesomeDragon · 27/10/2019 19:23

I wish my dh earned more too, but he doesn't, so we stuck it up. I'm a full time teacher, he's a full time computer person (he doesn't really have a job title, but works with computers and internet sales in a very small company). I earn roughly double what he does.

Unfortunately, if I want more money in my life it's up to me to make it, as dh will never be ambitious or a big earner. I suspect that's what you'll have to do too.

I get that it's difficult when you see your friends working part time, or having nicer things than you, but it's just life. I have friends who have high earning husbands, but they also have other issues that I would definitely not trade for (like working all hours, working away a lot, expensive/time consuming hobbies, etc). I'd rather keep my lower earning (we're not at poverty levels, but comfortable) dh who does more than his fair share of housework and childcare.

EnglishRose13 · 27/10/2019 19:27

I understand. I read posts on here by women with husbands earning six figures and I feel so envious. He was an accountant but quit because he hated it. I gained a professional qualification so I could earn more myself but I doubt I'll ever get that much.

Ah well, maybe in the next life.

Fraggling · 27/10/2019 19:28

'If the options available can't you work full time earning more and your dh work part time for children?

Makes sense if it's a possible option op'

Op already works full time hours many hours do you want her to do?!

Everyone would like to earn more probs

Not everyone has the skills interest or luck. I earn 2x DH we both ft does shift work. Yes it would be nice if we could earn more, or go pt. Well, he can't as shifts. I don't want to tbh. So yes people are tired things don't get done. So you seek creative solutions to make things better with what you have at that point.

Witchinaditch · 27/10/2019 19:31

If you earn more can he go part time to help with child care costs so not always so skint?

FusionChefGeoff · 27/10/2019 19:39

I hear you OP. It's an anonymous forum so you have permission to be as objectionable as you want Grin.

Surely in an ideal world everyone would want more money?? Obviously that's without looking at the trade offs - next level for DP is mega hours so he's decided he's not going for that now while kids are young and I applaud him and agree with him for having that view.

HOWEVER, in a genie:bottle situation with no negatives Hell Yeah I wish he earned more Smile

But he doesn't and I don't so I try to let the jealousy wash over me quickly so it doesn't leave too much burning resentment and instead try to feel genuine happiness for those around us who earn the mega bucks.

Some days, that even works Smile

RB68 · 27/10/2019 19:40

is this really where your unhappiness stems from - should it be more about the cost of the way you are living - can you change the way you live to cost less so the earn more becomes irrelevant? We are encouraged to consume all the time and anything of any value soon has a pricetag attached to it - even the water we drink. Can you pull back from a consumer style life to something that is less but more?

Lucyccfc68 · 27/10/2019 19:41

40 is not to old to look at earning more. In the last 12 years, since I was 38 I have doubled my salary.

It's not a boast, but I knew my marriage wasn't going to last and I had DS to think about. I went back to college in the evenings and made a plan of how I could gain more experience and apply for promotions. Bit of a bump in the road when I got made redundant.

I get that it would be ideal for you if your other half earned more, but you can never 100% rely on someone else.

Catty99 · 27/10/2019 19:46

I hear ya op.

I work ft. DH is a SAHD. Logistically it works fine, and even financially too but I feel like I have no flex. Even if DH was working he wouldn’t earn the same as I do (well, he could, but that’s another thread). I like my job but that could all change and I have limited other options in our current location. So I’m kind of trapped. And work is stressful and takes up a lot of headspace, I feel I’m not quite there enough for the little things for the kids (eg. seeing who plays with who at pick up and drop off, taking them to their activities, getting to know the other parents etc etc), I’m overweight and have no time to do anything positive for myself (exercise, clothes shopping, socializing).

The SAHMs who I know might be a bit bored but have a great social life, time for the kids, time for the gym, a good support network with each other.... They can train for marathons or learn another language whilst the kids are at school. They all seem to be relaxed and have v little stress. For sure some are a bit bored and underchallenged but they find ways to fill their time.

I wish we were in a position where if I needed to become the SAHP I could. But currently that’s not remotely possible. I don’t necessarily want to but the fact that I don’t even have the option pisses me off.

So I figure I need to be more resourceful and creative to get that balance. Not there yet but feel I’m slowly shifting in the right direction.

PepePig · 27/10/2019 19:51

YABU, if you want more money then do it yourself. It's awful to put financial pressure on someone who is employed and earns an honest wage. I'd be absolutely humiliated if my DP turned around and said that to me.

Ginger1982 · 27/10/2019 19:51

"I am ginger!"

Trust me, it's not all it's cracked up to be! I've just gone back to work after 2.5 years as a SAHM and I'm honestly loving the break from the endless neediness of a toddler!

GreyGardens88 · 27/10/2019 19:52

YABU and you know you are YABU

PracticallySpeaking · 27/10/2019 19:54

YANBU. I’m in the same situation. When I met DH I was earning 100k and he didn’t have stable employment. I was exhausted and resentful having to be the breadwinner, primary caregiver and doing all the house stuff.

I quit my job. Soon after he found a job. Now we’re working on upping his income and focusing on developing his career as expecting DC2.

We have less money now but money isn’t everything- I was miserable before and really wanted to be a SAHM.

As you earn more, can you drop down to part time or consult?

Now I do periodical consulting. Work maybe 5 days a month at £500+ per day

andyoldlabour · 27/10/2019 19:55

I cannot believe this thread.
My OH and me have been together for thirty years, and our economic siituation has been like the tide going in and out.
I would say we love each other now more than at any other time, because we do not judge each other.
We have had better and worse jobs the whole time, and now we own our own home, have no credit card debt - because we are both grounded.
You have to be a team to succeed, working together, just support each other please.

Original poster
Thesecondfear · 27/10/2019 20:04

I think it’s a bit naive to keep saying “earn more”

My salary is OK. It’s not mega bucks but a long long way from poverty and starvation.

However we are always going to be scraping around the bottom of the middle classes somewhere. I am trained in my job and I can’t do anything else. So that’s that.

OP posts:
OneMoreForExtra · 27/10/2019 20:08

YANBU OP. I'm the primary earner and DH works freelance for about 1/3 my salary, the plus side being he's flexible for the kids. I have to work really hard not to let my resentment intrude into day to day life and its pretty much done for our romantic relationship. I've never considered not stepping up to provide for the DCs and therefore work a big job with long hours, missing bedtimes and school events regularly and being too shattered to do much outside that. We're OK, comfortable but with nothing spare for anything but basic treats / hols etc. I really wish he had the drive to work in partnership with me to attain the life we envisioned, but he doesn't. He wants it but gives up at the first obstacle. To those saying OP shouldn't have had kids with her DP, these things arent always obvious prior to DC or career challenges.

Anotherlongdrive · 27/10/2019 20:08

I’m 40 odd in any case, a bit old to be chasing the career in investment banking or stem!

You are only 40 odd! Many peoples income keeps going up.

Why aren't you wishing YOU earned more? Why is it his responsibility?

Anotherlongdrive · 27/10/2019 20:09

I think it’s a bit naive to keep saying “earn more”

And yet, you think it about him.

Original poster
Thesecondfear · 27/10/2019 20:10

I’ve been promoted as far as I realistically can for now.

In another three / four years I may be able to look at another promotion. But I’m realistically going to hit a ceiling at the 50k mark. Now that’s a lot of money squawks everybody - it is - but it doesn’t go THAT far. And a lot of work involved.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thesecondfear · 27/10/2019 20:11

He probably thinks it about me too another

I am being unreasonable. I know it. I just wish life was a tad easier I suppose.

OP posts:
Woodlandwitch · 27/10/2019 20:12

I earn more than DH (at the moment as I am probably going to be leaving and potentially taking a pay cut soon)

I love that DH has a job he loves and wouldn’t want to leave. That’s the dream.
The dream isn’t the high pressured job I have that means I still feel undervalued despite high(ish) earnings

Fraggling · 27/10/2019 20:12

'However we are always going to be scraping around the bottom of the middle classes somewhere.'

Very little point in comparing yourself to others. There is always someone better off. If the bills are paid, food etc and necessities, money for treats and a hol then that's all you need. Of course nice to have more. but comparing to others always is a bad idea.

'I am trained in my job and I can’t do anything else'
You can always do something else.

'I’m 40 odd in any case, a bit old to be chasing the career in investment banking or stem!'
I've moved to a different sector in last few years. Increased salary by 30% recently and was already doing ok. I'm 45.

You sound happy to moan but not interested in looking for solutions.

Woodlandwitch · 27/10/2019 20:14

Ps - when I hit the £50k earnings mark, I dropped my hours to work part time.

It bought my actual income to match DH but gave me the extra time I wanted to myself

Anotherlongdrive · 27/10/2019 20:19

I know it. I just wish life was a tad easier I suppose.

That's reasonable. Putting it at his door isnt.

LolaSmiles · 27/10/2019 20:26

YABU in my opinion.

It's normal to think that it would be a bit easier to have a little more cash, but people spend what they have and a household having £5,000/10,000 extra a year would still find times when things are tight because their spending and lifestyle etc would reflect their new income.

This feels very much like you have the idea that a man should be the breadwinner and you're comparing your life to your friends who have breadwinner husbands and can stay home. Ultimately, if you wanted a high earning husband, loads of financial float etc then you needed to settle down with a different man.
Of course with a high earning husband there's often the expectation that their wife will put her career second and on hold around their big and important man job, the wife stays home 'because it makes financial sense' for her to facilitate his career.
The grass isn't always greener.

Alarae · 27/10/2019 20:35

I earn 20k more than DH, and will continue to outstrip his earnings easily.

He has a job that he loves and he isn't career minded to chase salary, which I'm fine with as it is who he is.

Don't get me wrong, it would be great if he earned more as it would mean more on savings, more slack in the finances etc. However, we are not in an uncomfortable situation, so it is what it is.

At the end of the day, as long as we have enough to pay the bills and enjoy ourselves within reason I'm happy with that hand in life and regardless, signed up for it when I married him.