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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pissed off at partner - AIBU?

63 replies

LadyFuchsiaGroan · 27/10/2019 11:14

My dp said today that he would refuse to attend our children's party, as there would be no point in him being there.

My daughter has a party coming up soon and I am annoyed that he thinks it is fine for him to stay at home playing computer games while I do the party by myself. Plus I think it is sad for the children that their father will never be present for their parties.

So aibu? Also is this normal for most families and am I just blowing it out of proportion?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/10/2019 11:23

I'm wondering why you're with him, to be honest. He clearly doesn't give a fuck about your child's feelings.

stucknoue · 27/10/2019 11:25

Totally unreasonable! My ex was like that (of course years later he forgets all of that!)

flouncyfanny · 27/10/2019 11:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RightYesButNo · 27/10/2019 11:33

Flowers I’m sorry, OP. Without a huge wake-up call, he will probably eventually become an ex, an uninvolved father, and the kind that teenage girls rant about hating, sadly. Someone who doesn’t care about being there to support you or the children, who has already checked out of family life, isn’t going to be someone you can make excuses for. I know because I’ve seen what feels like a thousand in exactly the same mold. And I had a father like that myself before my grandparents took over. Your daughter and other children deserve better, and so do you.

Queenoftheashes · 27/10/2019 11:33

Wanker

Wildorchidz · 27/10/2019 11:34

So aibu? Also is this normal for most families and am I just blowing it out of proportion?

It’s sad that you have to ask that question

transformandriseup · 27/10/2019 11:36

Wow Shock

quincejamplease · 27/10/2019 11:38

Of course it's not normal.

CTRL · 27/10/2019 11:39

He needs to be there regardless of how he feels. Surely he wants to see his child’s face when he/ she blows out the candles on the cake...
If not that surely he knows you might need help preparing and setting up and looking after your guests.

How selfish

Quartz2208 · 27/10/2019 11:41

I think you arent reacting enough

Does he always check out?

midnightmisssuki · 27/10/2019 11:44

What are you with someone who doesn’t appear interested in their own child?

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 27/10/2019 11:45

So aibu? Also is this normal for most families and am I just blowing it out of proportion?

This is absolutely 100% not normal. The fact that you've even had to ask suggests that your DP is a rubbish Dad and you've been conditioned to expect very little input from him.

ChoccieEClaire · 27/10/2019 11:46

Parties are seriously hard work, to make it fun you will be non-stop.
Is this the first party you have done for her?
Do not allow him to simply 'opt-out' of this.
It's completely out of order and the fact you're asking would indicate that your expectations of him are already quite low.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 27/10/2019 11:47

I would genuinely love to hear from the 3% who have voted that OP is BU. I'm struggling to understand how anyone could think this attitude is acceptable.

Witchinaditch · 27/10/2019 11:48

Who are the 3% that think yabu??

sarahjconnor · 27/10/2019 11:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nowayhose · 27/10/2019 11:50

I agree with everyone else I'm afraid, your DP is not doing any parenting at all, and neither is he even being a descent partner who'd want to help you !

I'm also sad that you even had to ask if him 'opting out' of both yours and your child's life just cos he can't be arsed ! :(

PotterHead1985 · 27/10/2019 12:00

Um. No point in him being there.

  1. It's HIS CHILDS BIRTHDAY party
  2. Said child might WANT him there
  3. Why the fuck should you do all the work and have all the stress whilst he sits on his arse at home playing video games?

Is he like this generally? Uninterested and uninvolved in his kids lives and leaves you to do it all?

ParkLife123 · 27/10/2019 12:01

This is awful. Your poor children. That is not a father.

If my DH refused to go to our children’s party for any reason other than a serious illness it would not end well!

FWIW this is not normal, at our parties and all the parties I have been to, dads are present and helpful, ensuring guests are looked after, helping entertain the kids, sorting out food and drink etc.

Not even being there is simply unacceptable.

Stompythedinosaur · 27/10/2019 12:09

No one enjoys running a kid's party, it is something you do for your dc, and he should 100% be helping.

Him not wanting to says something about what feels for both you and your dc.

ShawshanksRedemption · 27/10/2019 12:10

I would tell him that the point of him being there is:

  1. because it's his daughter too as well as yours - responsibility
  2. because it may mean a lot to your DD that both parents are there - parties mean a lot to kids!
  3. because it's memories that are made - it's not like she'll repeat being this age again
  4. to support you and help out! Kids parties can be hard work if you're hosting.

If this is in any way indicative of how he treats you and his DD I'd be having a very serious think as to what the future holds. If it's a one off (and he's incapable of understanding why he should be there) you need to say why it's important he is there and spell it out to him.

cstaff · 27/10/2019 12:23

So he is just being a lazy "it's all about me" useless father. I know this usually applies to kids misbehaving but if it is computer games he wants to play instead of attending his own kids party just change the Wi-Fi password. Fuck that.

ChilledBee · 27/10/2019 12:35

Is he on a PS or Xbox? Take the controller with you, then he can come to you and get it (oh, and attend his own childs party).

I can't believe that women stoop to these levels to try and create a decent partner out of a shit one.

Firstly, regardless of who is right and who is wrong about the party (you're right, obviously, OP), it would be completely unacceptable to do this to your partner. They are (hopefully) an adult. This is a totally violation of boundaries and thinking this would be okay (taking the controller) is a red flag for someone abusive.

Secondly, you can't go into a relationship thinking that anything you don't like you will condition or discipline your partner until they change. Maybe this guy thinks that he has no obligation or desire to attend so he won't. That's about his shitty values and a perfectly apt reason to cut this person out of your life (where reasonable and legal). What you refrain from doing us adopting his shitty values and try to create rules to control and adult and make them be the person you want them to be. Even if that's the person they should be.

ChilledBee · 27/10/2019 12:36

And no to changing the wifi password too for the same reasons.

Drogosnextwife · 27/10/2019 12:37

My dp fucks off to football everytime we have a birthday party on a Saturday. It's selfish.