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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what an acceptable sleep in time is?

108 replies

Cravingpies · 27/10/2019 10:12

DH is having a lay in. He has one once a week and will usually spend the night playing on the PlayStation with mates until the early hours. He was playing until 1am this morning.

DD is 8 months and has a stomach bug (I slept on the floor in her room last night as I was the one dealing with her) so I called him for help at 6.30am just to help with her for a second. Then suggested he go back to bed which he did and is still asleep now.

It’s 10am and he is still in bed.

We need to do a food shop, need to take the dog, need to tidy, I need to wash DDs clothes and sheets from last night etc.

Not that it makes a difference but we both work although I only do 3 days. I don’t usually sleep in as I’m physically unable to so I don’t know what is an acceptable time to wake him?

OP posts:
Pinkblueberry · 27/10/2019 17:41

No one needs to go out to do a big food shop. Ever. Because online is available.

But don’t you pay extra for the delivery? (You did years ago when I last did an online shop). Besides, I do my big shop in Lidl. Surely shopping online when you don’t really need to works out as more expensive?

OrchidInTheSun · 27/10/2019 17:47

Pinkblueberry - my children are teenagers and I've been posting here since I was pregnant with my youngest. It is nearly always the man.

And I thought this site was supposed to make parents' lives easier. The OP has been on her own all week with her baby while her husband has been sleeping in a hotel. She's been up half the night because the baby has a tummy bug and has slept on the floor.

And still posters like you are telling her that it's perfectly reasonable for her husband to stay up gaming and have a lovely long lie in.

He's a cunt and women like you enable that behaviour and make women like the OP feel like they're unreasonable for being pissed off.

As I said, the bar is very, very low. I'm sick of wome cheerleading rubbish men and I will call it out whenever I see it.

crispysausagerolls · 27/10/2019 17:50

I had a lie in today until 6.30am. Felt like a luxury / not even kidding! Due to clocks DH was up at 4 with DS!

Lovemenorca · 27/10/2019 17:57

It is nearly always the man.

Yes because 95% of mumsnet posters are.... women

OrchidInTheSun · 27/10/2019 18:02

Ah you do a beautiful island such a great disservice

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 27/10/2019 18:05

I agree that 90% of the time the men posted about on mumsnet make me very glad I’m single.. However I’m a woman and I love a good lie in.. A proper one where you wake up naturally, when your body wants to, not with an alarm.
When I was married and had young kids, we each got a weekend day to lie in, while the other got up with the kids.

PlatoAteMySnozcumber · 27/10/2019 18:38

*It's funny how it's always men who stay in bed until lunchtime at the weekends when they have babies. It's even more funny how many women on MN fall over themselves to defend them opting out of the crappy early starts.

The bar is set so very, very low by so many. sad*

I also disagree that it’s always the men. Most people I know have the same formula, one lie in each per weekend and most people take advantage of it if there are no other plans. Clearly staying in bed when we have family plans is unacceptable.

DH wakes up to feed the baby once or twice every night while I stay in bed (he gets back to sleep faster as we both work) and gets up in the morning to get both DC dressed and feeds them breakfast while I get ready for work. If he wants to stay in bed until lunch time one day a week when it’s no skin off my nose, I don’t think that makes me some kind of pathetic hand maiden.

The key is having a mutually respectful relationship where you both have a similar amount of free time whether that’s sleeping or hobbying etc. I would be irritated if DH objected to me having a lie in as ‘opting out of family life’.

HappyParent2000 · 27/10/2019 18:43

I usually let my partner lay in until they are ready, I just crack on with the chores.

flirtygirl · 27/10/2019 18:51

You can't lie in but I think it's unreasonable to wake your husband. He already got up and helped.

There is no time setting on a lie in, that's up to each person.

Pinkblueberry · 27/10/2019 18:53

I agree with you Plato. Some people like to turn this into a lazy man/poor woman issue when actually the issue is around basic communication and mutual respect. If the OP has an issue with the lie ins she needs to say so. No doubt someone will come along and say ‘well she shouldn’t have to, DH should just know how she feels and magically stop having lie ins of his own accord...’ - well that’s the man she’s married to so she has to deal with what she’s got and in this instance communication and mutual respect is something that needs a bit of work and building towards and she can take the first step - or do nothing, carry on as before and moan or otherwise by all means someone can no doubt helpfully tell her to LTB instead because he doesn’t get up before 10 on a Sunday Hmm

OrchidInTheSun · 27/10/2019 19:12

But the data doesn't bear that out Plato/Pink. Women do most of the household chores in 93% of households. On average they do 16 hours vs their husbands' 6 hours. They are the ones who stay up all night with the puking kid while the husband (who needs his sleep doncha know) sleeps on obliviously.

Communication and mutual respect is great and I'm all for it. However, I would suggest that isn't something that the OP enjoys in her relationship when her husband has a lovely long lie in every single Sunday, regardless of whether he has done any childcare whatsoever during the previous week.

In fact, given that the OP has been caring for their baby, their dog and their home on her own all week long, a mutually respectful thing for the OP's husband to have done this weekend would have been to have let her have lie ins on both mornings.

And yet that hasn't happened. I wonder why not? Could it be that actully the OP doesn't have a lovely relationship based on excellent communication and mutual respect but that actually her husband is a bit of an arsehole?

Oh of course, she just needs to talk to him and then he will all of a sudden become a really great husband. Hmm

Like I said - MN is supposed to be about making parents' lives easier. But it's increasingly the case that AIB U is where people hang out to make women feel shit. So well done you!

OnlineShopping · 27/10/2019 19:15

Surely you discuss in advance what time the lie in ends and you’ll both be up to do whatever needs doing that day?

Pinkblueberry · 27/10/2019 19:47

And yet that hasn't happened. I wonder why not? Could it be that actully the OP doesn't have a lovely relationship based on excellent communication and mutual respect but that actually her husband is a bit of an arsehole?

Possibly yes, and I did explain this in my last reply - and I also explained the options OP therefore has. You talk about how mumsnet should be a helpful place, but other than quoting statistics gathered several years ago from a choice amount of couples (to what effect I don’t know and they certainly don’t apply to me) and identifying OPs DH as a cunt and an arsehole you don’t seem to have much useful advice. And this happens time and again on here - a lot of name calling and outrage but no solutions. You’re right, talking to her DH may make no difference at all for the OP, but like I said before, you can either at least try that or continue complaining... or give up. Those are the options unfortunately.

Rach000 · 27/10/2019 21:29

We try take it turns to have a lie in depending on what we are doing each weekend. Our kids are up early so.one of us usually up from.about 6 so the other may lie in till about 8. We have have stuff to do and only so long to kids can be fairly quiet and watch TV.

ClownsandCowboys · 27/10/2019 21:40

I'm female and the sleeper. DH doesn't do lie ins, or considers 8am a lie in. I would happily stay in bed until 12.

DH is also a "doer" and obsessed with "not wasting the day", getting out and about, doing things. Drives me nuts sometimes. I'd happily spend the whole weekend in pjs, sleeping, dozing, pottering.

DH always brings me a cuppa at 9, I'm never allowed longer.

Cherrysoup · 27/10/2019 22:05

My H is still asleep whilst I have the kids- he a SAHD too and I do every night feed

But why do you let him get away with that? When do you ever get a lie in? Does he get up with the dc every week day?

We both lie in til 9am max. Even if my dh has been out or doesn’t go to bed til 1am or whatever, he’ll normally be up at the same time as me. If he’d chosen to stay up gaming til then, I would expect him to be up with me if the dc weren’t well. Thing is, he would be, I wouldn’t have to ask.

onetimeonlyy · 27/10/2019 22:14

What?! With a poorly baby and being away all week for work I'd expect him to be up 7/8am latest! Why is he entitled to a lie in! I think you suspend that right when you have a baby, and particularly when they are poorly. When is your rest?

SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing · 27/10/2019 22:23

Nobody gets a lie in when there's a vom bug. This thread is daft.

After the fact now, but even if you were feeling generous, I'd have woken him at 9am (bst) at the latest.

Fuck being a martyr, fuck taking on everything. You have another functioning human in the house and he should have been up.

I'm a lone parent, and my 12yo would offer to help with my youngest if he was sick. He'd make breakfast, or sort out laundry (wouldn't let him do pukey stuff).. He'd go to the shop etc. Bit shit that my 12yo is more sympathetic than your husband

Skyejuly · 28/10/2019 06:51

I'd say 11am

Skyejuly · 28/10/2019 06:52

Not always the men. My husband rarely sleeps in late as he just can't sleep that long. I often go back to bed till 9ish but very occasionally I dont wake up till 12ish.

OrchidInTheSun · 28/10/2019 07:21

OP - no it's not okay and your husband is behaving like a lazy child. But this is clearly who he is.

I guess the real question is what are you going to do about it?

ArnoldWhatshisknickers · 28/10/2019 07:42

It isn't possible to answer this question, people's circadian rhythms vary.

JasonPollack · 28/10/2019 09:54

Aye alright @Oysterbabe calm down Halloween Grin

Lovemenorca · 28/10/2019 10:21

He has a lie in once a week.
He chose to go to bed late
This is his lie in.
He got up at 6.30am to help with baby and OP told him to go back to bed
He works full time. Op works part time.

I mean he doesn’t sound particularly unreasonable to me