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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to talk to my son’s friend about personal hygiene

65 replies

ivegotdreadfulpmttoday · 27/10/2019 08:08

My son’s friend comes to our house regularly and occasionally stays over. They are 15/16. He has terrible BO - I have asked him if he wants a shower when he is here but he says he isn’t comfortable showering anywhere but at home. I need to get the message across though. I spent a large part of yesterday washing everything he had sat on as he had left his smell on everything. The bed he slept on stank through a heavy mattress protector to the mattress. My son says the boys house is awful too. I don’t know if they have a washing machine. His mother has health problems. He is a very overweight boy so it’s not even as if he can “borrow “ some of my son’s clothes while I “accidentally “ wash his. WWYD?

OP posts:
Iamnotagoddess · 27/10/2019 08:12

Discretely email the school and ask of the school nurse can speak to him.

Or next time he’s over say Boots had a three for one offer on deodorants and give both him and your son one each?

ThatFlamingCandle · 27/10/2019 08:16

If I were you, I'd stop inviting him round for a start. You can't be washing every piece of upholstery he comes into contact with, and I'm sure it's uncomfortable for you.

Give them both some money and tell them to go out somewhere, or meet at another friends house.

The root problem is at home, and you're going to struggle to address this tactfully. I'd just leave it and divert them both elsewhere.

Original poster
ivegotdreadfulpmttoday · 27/10/2019 08:18

I thought about involving the school. Is it the sort of thing they would do? It can’t have gone unnoticed at school. My husband just told me that the other friend who was here on Friday was loudly complaining about the smell and spraying deodorant around.

OP posts:
peachypetite · 27/10/2019 08:19

Tell him he isn’t allowed round unless he has a shower. Fucking hell.

Original poster
ivegotdreadfulpmttoday · 27/10/2019 08:20

It seems mean to stop having him here but I can’t have the smell in here - it smells like rotting vegetation.

OP posts:
Pinkyyy · 27/10/2019 08:21

This is exactly they type of thing the school pastoral team are there for. Let them know because there could well be some neglect going on.

MatildaTheCat · 27/10/2019 08:21

I would involve the school. His needs are being neglected.

Halo1234 · 27/10/2019 08:21

Ohhh it's a tough one. His feelings are important to. His self esteem and confidence. Whilst it is not nice that he has bad BO to be told u smell by your friends mum but not be able to do much about it (if he doesn't have access to a washing machine at home) leaves u in a tough place. That being said he will get on a lot better and prob be happier in life if he didnt have to go through each day with bo. I would pick up some extra deodorant. Next time he is over give him one and your son one and tell them about using it at their age say they were on offer so friend can have the extra one. Speak to your son in front of him saying something a long the lines of makesure u have a shower and give me your clothes to wash. Its important to do it every day. Then could ask friend again shall I wash your clothes too. There are fresh towels in the bathroom and a t shirt/shorts that will fit u. And I will have your stuff washed and ready for u in the morning? Means u might have to buy a cheap pj set for him. It's not really your place but someones got to help him so think I would try once if his mum isnt telling him. If he doesn't take u up think u need to back off. Cant keep telling him to wash his clothes and shower.

Iamnotagoddess · 27/10/2019 08:22

Schools have link workers (Family workers) who will normally have a team around the school meeting once every half term. Where vulnerable children will be discussed (the school nurse should be there).

He will probably already be on their radar but raise your concerns anyway

Original poster
ivegotdreadfulpmttoday · 27/10/2019 08:27

I have tried to get him to take a shower here but felt odd about actually buying clothes for him while I wash his - it would be obvious I’d bought them for him as he is XXXL. If he doesn’t have a washing machine at home, I am happy for him to bring his stuff here to do. I will contact school.

OP posts:
Lulualla · 27/10/2019 08:28

If you don’t want things to continue as they are, with him coming over with the smell then you’ve got 2 choices. Ban him from your hours or have the conversation with him.

Ask your son to go upstairs and do something for 5 minutes, like strip the beds or something, and then say to the boy that you’re sorry that this is going to be uncomfortable for you both but you’re worried about things at home for him. Ask if everything is OK because you’ve noticed that he doesn’t seem to clean himself or his clothes and he has a very string smell, which clings to all the fabric in your house. Remind him that when you hit teenage years, your body changes and it smells. Everyone has that problem, so it means you need to shower every morning and you need to wear clean, washed clothes. Apologise again for the uncomfortable situation, and tell him it’s not just him... tell him your son smells horrible if he doesn’t keep on top of it because it’s part of being a boy, but unfortunately you can’t keep quiet because it’s affecting your home. Tell him that if his mum is struggling to keep on top of things then you’d be happy to wash his clothes if he brings them over and tell him that he simply must shower when he arrives at your house for a sleepover etc.

It will be horrible, but you either get through it or you ban him.

peachypetite · 27/10/2019 08:31

Giving him a deodorant isn’t going to do anything if he doesn’t wash and his clothes are dirty.

Monestasi · 27/10/2019 08:32

Just reading that made me feel nauseous.

I could't have him in my home, and giving him a tin of deodorant won't make a jot of difference.

How can your son stand to be in his friend's company if he smells so much that it remains long after he has left your home?

It's a tough one, as approaching him directly will mortify him, and possibly your son.

HyggeHeart · 27/10/2019 08:35

Agree with Lula a frank, private discussion is needed. He is old enough to manage his own personal hygiene now. I'd teach him (and your son if he doesn't already know) how to use a washing machine, sort their own laundry and change their beds. Maybe he could bring the first couple of loads to yours so you could supervise. Discuss showering everyday is required if they ever want a girlfriend!

doxxed · 27/10/2019 08:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

Iamnotagoddess · 27/10/2019 08:37

@peachypetite

No but it might make him feel a bit more in control of the issue.

Original poster
ivegotdreadfulpmttoday · 27/10/2019 08:39

My son is willing to have the conversation with him. Should I let him do it as they are friends it might be less embarrassing for the boy?

OP posts:
Maccapacca88 · 27/10/2019 08:40

I’d buy both lads some cheapo pjs /trackers from Primark and some deodorant. Tell the friend since he stays over you thought it’d be nice for him to have some of his own things at yours. Make a joke about smelly teenagers and tell them both if they don’t have a shower you’ll chuck them in the garden and hose them down!

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/10/2019 08:41

Yes I would talk to him discreetly. And buy him some pjs so he can shower. Show him how to use the washing machine so that he knows how to use his and offer to wash his stuff.

Pinkyyy · 27/10/2019 08:41

I was just about to suggest asking your son to have the conversation, I think that's a good idea.

Pumpkinpie66 · 27/10/2019 08:42

I think your options are that you talk to him privately, as Lulualla suggests - if you're understanding about his mum being poorly and offer him help using your washing machine that might be really good at that age, as he will be able to be a bit independent but with you talking him through it.
Otherwise, speak to the school - Head of Year, or tutor if the boys are in the same tutor group. We come across this type of thing all the time - the problem is that if it's a case of cleaning not happening because his mum is unwell there is very little schools can do practically, and you will actually be in a better position to help.

Watermelondoesntbelonginasalad · 27/10/2019 08:42

My brother had a friend with this issue. My mum would always say right shower and PJ time and whisk everyone up one by one. She would then say don’t forget deodorant I know what you teens are like! As there was a group of them she wasn’t making him stand out and they just thought she was weird with routines. She would wash and iron everyone’s clothes for the next day too.

Pumpkinpie66 · 27/10/2019 08:43

Cross post! Definitely let your son have the conversation if he's up for it, but let him know in advance anything that you are able to offer to help practically (eg washing machine use).

superram · 27/10/2019 08:43

I would let your son say something and you be supportive (do some washing for him maybe). I do think you should contact school and they will provide support. Not as much as pp says as no school I have worked in has had a family team or school nurse (we have a first aider who checks asthma etc.).

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/10/2019 08:44

If your ds can broach it in a sensitive way, yes. But that doesn’t sort out the practicalities of washing clothes and bedding etc.

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