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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

WIBU to talk to my son’s friend about personal hygiene

65 replies

ivegotdreadfulpmttoday · 27/10/2019 08:08

My son’s friend comes to our house regularly and occasionally stays over. They are 15/16. He has terrible BO - I have asked him if he wants a shower when he is here but he says he isn’t comfortable showering anywhere but at home. I need to get the message across though. I spent a large part of yesterday washing everything he had sat on as he had left his smell on everything. The bed he slept on stank through a heavy mattress protector to the mattress. My son says the boys house is awful too. I don’t know if they have a washing machine. His mother has health problems. He is a very overweight boy so it’s not even as if he can “borrow “ some of my son’s clothes while I “accidentally “ wash his. WWYD?

OP posts:
Maccapacca88 · 27/10/2019 08:45

@Pumpkinpie66 Some schools are equipped to deal with these issues. I teach in a very deprived area and we have a washing machine, dryer, shower and deodorant for kids to use if necessary. We have an awesome pastoral team who are very on the ball with these things and very discreet.

Iamnotagoddess · 27/10/2019 08:45

I know that our schools have link Family workers (who work for children’s services not the school) because I am one Smile

WardrobeMalfunction · 27/10/2019 08:47

There's no point giving him deodorant, it'll only mask the dirty smell. He'll probably need a toothbrush, toothpaste, shower gel, etc. By the sound of it, it's a combination of poor personal hygiene, unwashed clothes, unwashed sheets and poor diet. They're clear indicators of neglect, and maybe need a referral to the school (although I find it hard to believe none of his teacher have noticed, if it's as bad as you say)

It's okay to sit him down on his own and tell him what's what. That you like him coming over, and you're glad your son has such great friends, including him. But, he smells. Sometimes teenagers don't realise that their bodies are changing, sweating more, etc. Is everything okay at home? If money is tight, you can sort him out with hygiene products. Has anyone passed any unkind comments in school? You don't mind throwing his clothes in the machine while he's here, and a shower before bed is non-negotiable if he's staying over-make son do the same. Make sure that after the conversation, you move on. "Right, good chat, now let's put the kettle on. What are you boys planning for the night?"

I've known teens who literally don't know how to shower, one who would go into the bathroom, run the water but not actually get in, and some who were so dyspraxic that the organisation required to undress, turn on water, apply soap, rinse, get dry and dress was so much effort that they just didn't do it. One thing we used to do was take them swimming. A staff member ensured they had a shower before they got in the pool and they could copy the actions of others in the communal showers, if you see what I mean.

PlaymobilPirate · 27/10/2019 08:49

Buy some cheap jarmies. Get ds to say 'Mam says you can't stay unless you shower. We all have to and you're nearly part of the family you're here that often'

Wash his gear whilst he's in jarmies. Say 'I washed your stuff as it's a bit whiff. You teenagers need to wash every day!'

Is there a lick on your bathroom door? His reluctance is odd

PlaymobilPirate · 27/10/2019 08:50

Lock!!

Phycadelicsilhouette · 27/10/2019 08:51

I have a similar situation with eldest DS. Him and his friend are 13/14 and I am aware home life isn’t always easy for his friend.
I spoke to the school about my concerns and things seem to have improved for him to some degree and he knows he can always talk to my son or me if he needs help but body odour is something he struggles with and I’m certain it’s down to home life and his needs not always being met.
My biggest concern is that he’s happy and healthy and feels safe and cared for but of course the body odour isn’t nice to be around and it also sticks to things like you’ve said.
He comes for his tea 3/4 nights a week and sleeps over regularly also and the ways I’ve dealt with the smell are similar to suggestions here.
I’ve spoken to my own DS and him together about the importance of washing every day and using deodorant and wearing clean clothes ect because of puberty and body odour.
He has his own bed here (it’s a sofa in DS’s room that pulls out into a bed) and each time he stays the bedding is washed afterwards.
He also has his own pjs here so when they get ready for bed I put his clothes in the wash too ready for the next day.
He never has a deodorant with him (or anything come to that) so DS always encourages him to use his.
Please try not to stop him from coming around. I expect it’s a bit of a lifeline for him to be able to come to your house and it would be such a shame for this to have to stop.

Iamnotagoddess · 27/10/2019 08:52

Is there a youth club that they go to?

That’s another option, get youth worker to talk to them?

Our youth worker (before the youth centres we all closed Sad ) used to keep deodorants in her office and gave them to anyone who needed one (whether they wanted to or not).

I get that it masks the smell and doesn’t get to the root of the issue but it’s better than nothing, and may motivate him to do something.

Northernsoullover · 27/10/2019 08:52

Is it neglect in the strictest sense though? I have a child with ASD who wouldn't shower unless forced (I say force but its more persistent prompting these days) if his mother is unwell then she may need extra support or her son could be a downright awkward sod at home and she chooses her battles.
On the other hand the parents might not give two hoots about him.

Iamnotagoddess · 27/10/2019 08:55

It’s an indicator of neglect.

Chanteuse · 27/10/2019 08:56

If it's as bad as you say teachers will have noticed it. I'm a teacher and I refer the consistently smelly ones to pastoral who will talk to them about it and help if they need it.

I've also spoken discreetly to one or two as the smell was so strong I struggled to get close to teach them.

stucknoue · 27/10/2019 08:56

It sounds like a serious issue at home, school may already be dealing with it but offering to help could change this boy's life. Offering to take the boys shopping at primark and treating him to clothes, buying deodorant and shower gel from Aldi, - school may have funds for things like this too. Helping a child now literally can mean the difference between a life of drudgery and a great future

ffswhatnext · 27/10/2019 09:40

Been through similar and more than once over the years.
I had spares clothes here, new underwear, socks and toothbrushes bought cheaply. And always stuff like deodorants around.

I put in an everyone has to shower before bed rule, including all adults. One of the teens would then grab all their clothes and chuck them in the washer. Whilst having a chat with a friend so they would follow them into the kitchen. And at some point, they were told they could use it whenever they wanted. Some were embarrassed at the thought and said something like oh it's fine mum won't even realise who's clothes are in the machine.
My dc's would have the chat as they knew their mate better and how they would respond.
The basics were - make no promises only that you will do what you can, can talk to my dc or sibling (close in age) or myself about anything, ask how things were at home. And that there were times when an adult would have to be brought into it.

My dc's were always upfront when a friend told them something and they weren't sure, that they would talk to me, or the mate could come directly. The friend was always reassured that if they wanted it could be an anonymous chat to start with. And they would come to me for anonymous chats.

It was always handled sensitivity without drawing additional attention to the teen. They know they smell. They get told every single day. In time they come directly to you as trust is built especially when there's any type of abuse at home. They'd talk about health because let's face it if clothes aren't being washed what's the likelihood of them seeing gp etc. And being overweight there might be health issues going on. Mine basically did their usual daily things and drag their mate along, instead of let's meet at 5 after my gp's appointment, they'd come home first, get showered and changed and of course, the mate didn't want to be in the uniform. Which gets the uniform in the machine as I didn't always have school night sleepovers.

I also made sure that my dc's were also supported when dealing with these things. Remember until that friend starts to trust no-one really knows what's going on, and hopefully by which time you are already involved directly. Not that I am saying theres really bad things going on, just mentally prepare yourself for just in case. Have some type of plan in place for just in case, so IF needed you appear to be in control whilst on the inside you aint,

Each teen is different of course, and there are moments when you ask yourself wtf are you doing.

Talk to the school of course. They will already be aware. However, even if they did refer to the family link people if mum says no then nothing can go ahead. Depending on additional info, a referral to SS will be made, you can also go down this route. Don't feel guilty if you have to make the call, there's only so much you can do. It's nice that you care enough to help rather than go down that route. It could be a temporary thing at home, and they just need a bit of support. It could be more and by opening dialogue you can help them contact SS. Going the SS route is hard for teens, and of course all children. They are dealing with all the usual teen stuff, with stuff going on at home, and these strangers wanting to know everything about them, and few if any people they can talk to.

Iamnotagoddess · 27/10/2019 09:46

Social Care will not touch this with a barge pole.

It will be looked at and then given to Family Worker Team and you’d be lucky if they did anything either.

Better off going the route of school first and being as upfront as you can about it rather than alienating this boy by “reporting him” he probably feels protective/defensive of his mother.

ffswhatnext · 27/10/2019 09:50

On its own no they wouldn't, as part of the bigger picture they might depending on what else has been observed.

Iamnotagoddess · 27/10/2019 09:53

If others have reported different concerns yes.

On BO alone no.

IME school would have raised concerns if they had any and it would have been a phone call home from SC and then closed at contact unless Mother says she’s struggling and agrees to support.

Serin · 27/10/2019 10:03

See my lads would just have said "Jeez mate you stink, have a shower". I cant believe that other kids at school or his teachers haven't said anything?
Its also worrying that a teen is size XXXL, I would definitely contact the school and see if they can intervene.

FionaOgre · 27/10/2019 10:07

I've had this before and I'm pretty straight forward about it now. Don't ask him to shower, TELL him. Something blunt but keep a smile on. "Right you, shower before bed please. Hand DS your clothes and I'll pop them on a wash tonight ready for morning" and that's it. No room for a "no thank you" or "I don't like showering away from home".

Charley1988 · 27/10/2019 10:08

This is a difficult one but I go with poster above who said divert then elsewhere

Lolwhat · 27/10/2019 10:11

We had this issue when my brother was around this age and his smelly friend was round all the time stinking my mums house out, what she did was buy them both a ‘care package’ with deodorant and chocolate and a few other bits like spare socks, he used the deodorant and changed his socks which at least stopped the carpet smelling like someone had died on it and it wasn’t too unbearable going into their room

CheerioGirl · 27/10/2019 10:15

Oh whatever you do please be sensitive. You don’t want to embarrass him. I have no read the whole post but I think I’ve seen his mum is poorly. He’s obviously going through a tough time be kind to him x

Iamnotagoddess · 27/10/2019 10:17

If his mum is ill and there is no father around he might qualify as a young carer?

SuchAToDo · 27/10/2019 10:20

He will know his circumstances and probably feels ashamed...I remember I had a controlling mother and as a child she made me wear the same underwear and socks all week with no washing them, the same school uniform with no washing them...I was allowed no deodorant and one shower a week so I drink and had greasy hair and could smell myself especially when I got puberty....we had a working washing machine, we had a working shower, it was just one of her rules...and if I had stayed at someone else's home and they offered a shower and to wash my clothes I probably would have said no like your son's friend because I would have got hell from my mother for having a shower or having my clothes washes without her allowing it...so bear in mind, he may not be dirty on purpose...I knew I was not clean like other kids but mine was because of my home life...

I recommend telling the school but asking them to keep your name out of it (so it doesn't affect your son's friendship with the boy)...I wish someone had done that for me when I was a child...

Iamnotagoddess · 27/10/2019 10:21

@SuchAToDo.

Sad
CheerioGirl · 27/10/2019 10:21

@iamnotagoddess I agree. Good suggestion if he they both may qualify for home help (carers) my mum does this for a young lady with MS. She goes to their home makes breakfast for all makes sure they are all washed/dressed & washes their clothes, cleans their home

SuchAToDo · 27/10/2019 10:22

*so I stank...not so I drinkConfused